Billboard’s Most Forgettable Hits

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Mike Oldfield’s Single

Track Listing

“And Looking”

“For A SWF”

“Age And Race Not Important”

“No Kids”

“Preferably Disease Free”

“But, Not Like It’s A Deal-Breaker Or Anything”

“Must Love Birds”
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Velvet Gloves And Spit -Neil Diamond

Track Listing

“Velvet Gloves And Spit”

“Hair Gel And A Sock”

“Plastic Baggie And Vaseline”

“Baby Oil And My Right Hand”

“Canola Oil And My Left Hand”

“Two Pillows and A Banana Peel”

“Or, Sometimes If I’m Desperate I’ll Just Hump My Bed”.

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Nana’s Book Of Songs -Nana Mouskouri

Track Listing

“Nana Bread”

“Nana Split”

“Nana Cream Pie”

“Nana Milkshake”

“Peanut Butter And Nana Sandwiches”

“Nana Hammock”

“Nana Republic”..

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Ask Me What I Am -Burt Reynolds

Track Listing

“Guess”

“Nope, Not A Cowboy”

“Guess Again”

“Not A Cheesy Porn Star, Either”

“Nope, Not A Child Predator”

“…Or A Pervert”

“Give Up?”

“I’m A Tree!”

“With A Huge Trunk….Oh, And A Porn Stache”

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Comments

  1. 1. “Are You Sure You’re Conscious?”
    “Positive?”
    “Okay, Good”
    So Anyway, While You’re Down There…”

    DYING! (yeah, that’s right: I used CAPS LOCK)

    2. The Neil Diamond one . . . “Plastic baggie and vaseline.” Love this.

    3. Everything by Nana.

    Nana really walked into that one, didn’t she?

  2. Quivering Loins and I Once Made out with a Sunshine Boy . . . I nearly missed that.

    I don’t mind loins when they shake or even when they pulsate. But Quivering is really a different thing. It took a lot of courage to write that. Such honesty.

    • Not to brag or anything, but my “honesty face” really brings out my eyes.

      • “My honesty face.” We do vulnerable so well.

        Word on the street is that you’re ill and rapidly becoming addicted to Cherry NyQuil.

        Can I have all your unpublished writings and the small key to your last diary?

        Cool, lemme know k?

        • It’s a gateway drug, Vodka. You start out with NyQuil, and next thing you know you’re snorting OB tampons because you can’t find your Vicks Nasal Inhaler.

          Of course you can have my unpublished writings. Technically they’re yours anyway (I was going to steal them from you before you had a chance to publish them).

          Oh, and if you’re looking for my Sunshine Boys’ phone number, it’s not in my diary. We were only together twice, so I didn’t feel right asking for his digits. (Or name, for that matter.)

  3. First of all, let me just start with the giant white dove, which appears to be performing some kind of bizarre mating dance, or perhaps even conducting a giant white dove orchestra, to play love songs for the stoner. Nice imagery (exhale . . . bubble bubble).

    The skiers! Most people think it’s the woman who is injured, but they would be sadly mis-take-oon (French for “mistaken”)!
    For it is the MAN who is rudely injured, his spine LOCKED into a “bendover beeitch” position, after a rollicking good time with a particular kind of marital aide which shall remain nameless (giant dildo). Oops. The trampled snow tells a sordid tale! “Can you even MOVE?” she asks. “Was it good?”

    So Neil Diamond and Burt Reynolds made some bad career moves, and now their sadly dated mistakes shall haunt them forever. At least Neil will always have his voice, but can Burt still flaunt the porn star persona? Aging is such a cruel but honest messenger. Package delivered!

    Hi Nana! Not my real Nanna, which is discerned by two ns, but prays just like Nana, and wears similiar glasses. Where was I? Nana! Nanna! Nanu nanu! Nahahahahahahah!

    Go B!!!

    • Brilliant synopsis Dan!

      If I ever decide to start up a Rolling Stone-type publication, I hope you’ll consider working with me. Not only because your French skills are second to none (I’ve been told that Quebecers have the highest level of disposable income), but because you always seem to add a gritty edginess and raw emotion to these already gritty-edged and rawly-emoted pieces.

      All I ask is that you think about it.

  4. -ahahaha!

  5. I’m really digging that second cover. I may start adding “Le” to everything I say.

  6. Neil Diamond just phoned to say you should add “Hey, I was only adjusting my fly!” and “Why won’t you believe me?” to his list of tracks.

    I really wanted to say something about Nana. but nothing I thought of could compete with her sheer Nana-ness.

  7. I really enjoy listening to Nana Mouskouri. You will be happy to know that she is working on a collaboration with Jon “Bowser” Bowman. The CD is going to be called, “Sha-Nana.”

  8. Hooray!! I’ve been waiting for another one of these posts! LOVE IT! I feel like the entire Neil Diamond song list could also be used for the very single Mike Oldfield.

  9. I’m just wondering what the Poster inside the Neil Diamond album is of?

  10. I am actually partial to Neil Diamond’s previous album Latex Gloves and Phlegm.

    Hey, but is there anything funnier than Neil punching his clown on a wall poster?? I think not.

    Masturbatory brilliance B…really!!

  11. lol! I’m glad that Claude was gentleman enough to inquire if she was okay before he told her not to waste her time down there – lol!

    Neil Diamond’s spit? There’s probably a market for that on ebay!

    • Haha! It’s the French…they’re really respectful like that.

      I bet that saliva isn’t not the only bodily fluid of Neil Diamond’s that would sell on EBay!

      *ba dum ching*

      (Er, sorry, T. Sadly, my typing fingers don’t come with a filter.)

  12. 1. Mike Oldfield’s
    a. Headless dove fly away
    b. Fly away for some paper please.
    c. Drum sticks in the sky.

    2. Histoires De Neige
    a. My ski ‘s stuck in her back
    b. These pants are crushing me
    c. She broke her back for me

    3. Neil Diamond
    a. I need my pants to sing
    b. This chair is going be falling
    c. Zip it up before it go-goes

    4. Nana Mouskouri
    a. If there are three balls something’s wrong.
    b. Gold digging in the motel room.
    c. If you go away I won’t pay for a long time
    .
    5. Burt Reynolds
    a. I can’t sing you can’t sing we can’t sing together.
    b. My fake mustache I burnt smoking grass
    c. My head don’t fit, my body’s wrong

    • HA! You did it again, somehow you took my already staggering brilliance and made it er, even brilliancer.

      You probably don’t know this, but “Headless Dove Fly Away” is the soundtrack of my life. And had I heard Nana’s “If there are three balls something’s wrong” years ago, I would have saved myself unnecessary heart break.

      You are a making-up-song-titles-based-on-cheesy-album-covers genius to be reckoned with, desk49. I mean it.

      ps. Please tell me where I can get a copy of Burt Reynold’s album? Christmas is coming up and I know my mother would love it…

  13. Oh Neil Diamond, you and your velvet gloves will be in my dreams tonight. And a little spit of course. Mmmmmmm…

    *slobber*

  14. I’ve got a single friend that would be perfect for Mike Oldfield, so far she’s been lookin’ for love in all the wrong places and there’s no fine boys, just ugly faces. I have a feeling these two would just hit it off, as long as Mike’s willing to overlook the fact that she’s an 89r old Inuit – oh, and that she has bird flu (which although technically is a disease, does indicate some serious bird loving)

    • Sounds to me like your 89 year old Inuit friend is on a mission and she’s wishin someone could cure her lonely (and possibly contagious) condition?
      I’ll have to ask him to make sure, but I have a feeling he’d really be into that.

      (If not, there’s always Burt….er, I mean, Tree.)

  15. I usually love these posts but I think you may have gone too far with this one. Now you’ve got me worried for your safety. And since we are business partners, BFF’s and doppelgangers, these horrible people might decide to come after me as well. I’m afraid that you’ve satired with the wrong people this time.

    I’m pretty sure that Mike Oldfield is a Satanist. Just look at what he did to that poor bird. And his own hair.

    I guess the skiers are pretty safe; the worst they’d do is kidnap us and put us in a musical or make us do some Cinimax soft core porn. Nothing I haven’t already done, at least.

    But the last three scare the shit out of me. You’re talking about Neil Fucking Diamond and Burt Fucking Reynolds. If they got that crazy, lonely chick in the middle to work for them, there’s no telling what they’d do to us. But I assume it would involve Jazz Singing and Hands, bad dialogue and a bukkake.

    Maybe you should issue an apology or something. I don’t want to get bukkaked.

    • I know it looks that way, Scott, but trust me, Mike is not a Satanist.

      Would a Satanist look like this? – http://www.mikeoldfield.net/images/mike/mikethumbs/comp.jpg

      As you can tell, he feels really bad about the bird. (Though he’s obviously still in denial about the hair.)

      And seeing as Neil Diamond is, um “busy” and Burt Reynolds is a tree, I think we’re safe.

      But if it means that much to you, here’s what I’ll do. I’ll start a Neil Diamond/Tree Facebook group, and make a formal apology…

  16. the neil diamond track listing was classic bschooled humor… how hilarious!

  17. Neil Diamond and Bert Reynolds:

    “Guess”

    “Plastic Baggie And Vaseline?”

    “Guess Again”

    “Baby Oil And My Right Hand?”

    “Give Up?”

    “Two Pillows and A Banana Peel?”

    “I’m A Tree With A Huge Trunk….Oh, And A Porn Stache! So Anyway, While You’re Down There…”

    • OMG, Jammer. This is like the best virtual mix tape ever!

      Now all we need to do is throw in some Burt Bacharach… (only because I really like his name.)

  18. No wonder Mike Oldfield is single, his tubular bells weren’t what they were cracked up to be :(
    Might as well kiss her now Claude, bleeding on the brain is fatal….right Natasha? :(
    I didn’t know Neil was gay?
    You forgot Nana Moussaka!!!
    Burt are you bald?

    • Neil isn’t gay, FL. He’s just not picky.

      No, I didn’t forget the Moussaka, I just don’t eat exotic meat. (Ask my ex-boyfriend, aka. King Ekewaka Matata.)

  19. Hole in the bed filled with Crisco and honey, followed by a long, slow bodysurf into sweet lady pleasure’s warm, wet embrace.

  20. I didn’t know Neil Diamond was into “kink” like that, I didn’t know he had that “spit” album either, so it kind of adds up. Fun post!

    • To be honest, it didn’t really surprise me. Ever since the first time I heard “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon,” I’ve been suspicious.

      Thanks for stopping by, Ken!

  21. Little known fact that there were some tracks that didn’t make the second album…

    “My tungh eh thtuck to your forehead”
    “Ha ha tricked you”
    “Theeriuthly, geh help. Umm thtarting to freak out.”

    and ..
    “don’t be such a pansy”

  22. elizabeth3hersh says:

    This post reminded me that I have the album that featured a collaboration between Nana and Rosanne Roseannadanna (and Rosanne’s musically inclined family: Pollyanna Roseannadanna, Lola Falana Roseannadanna, Carlos Santana Roseannadanna, and Hosanna Roseannadanna). Granted, the songs were all about body functions, toilet paper and such, but I think her biggest hit (and my favorite) was “It’s Always Something!”

    • Ha! That reminds me of the poem that my parents used to read me at bedtime:

      “Doctors are whippersnappers in ironed white coats
      who spy up your rectums and look down your throats
      And press you and poke you with sterilized tools
      And stab at solutions that pacify fools.
      I used to revere them and do what they said
      Till I learned what they learned on was already dead.”

      Ahhh, to be young again.

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