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Ben Matlockisms
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-When Ben Matlock is around, Exhibit A submits itself.
-When Ben Matlock’s LeBuick Sabre runs out of gas, he simply intimidates it from point A to point B.
-Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper. Ben Matlock acquitted all three.
-Ben Matlock doesn’t wear suspenders. He just threatens to hold his pants in contempt if they don’t stay up.
-In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. Ben Matlock then turned that wine in to the authorities.
-Ben Matlock played a game of lawn bowling with nothing but circumstantial evidence. AND HE WON.
-Ben Matlock doesn’t read books. He puts them on the stand and questions them until they finally break down and tell their story.
-Ben Matlock came out of his mother’s womb with the umbilical cord tied around his neck. He immediately had her convicted for attempted manslaughter.
-When an episode of Matlock was aired in South America, the entire Latino population confessed to the crime.
-Ben Matlock does not get dementia. Ben Matlock gets RE-mentia.
-Only Ben Matlock knows what RE-mentia means.
-Ben Matlock once ate seventeen hot dogs in one hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes convincing the cows to give up their extra organs.
-Ben Matlock bottles his sweat and sells as “Eau de Justice”.
-The only reason Carmen SanDiego was found is because Ben Matlock subpoenaed her.
-If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Ben Matlock.
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Just Making Convo 
He looks like a gay version of “Big” John Cannon, proprietor of the High Chaparral.
…Or, does “Big” John Cannon look like a heterosexual version of Ben Matlock?
I guess we’ll never know…
(Huh?)
AHHAHAAHAHH..You are the funniest person i know….zman sends
Thanks, Z. But really, I couldn’t have done it without the miracle that is Ben Matlock.
He’s like the Rodney Dangerfield of the Legal system.
I forgot to re-mentia that you need to re-mentia to bring me a present back from your trip.
HA!
No need to re-mentia me, it’s already taken care of. I got you something that’s even better than a gift. This comment entitles you to one free life-coaching session (valid as soon as I finish my self-taught life-coaching program).
I nearly subpoenaed my pants reading this :)
Ha! I’ll let you keep the evidence, FL.
Even though Chuck Norris is above the law, he still has Ben Matlock on retainer.
Haha! You’re right, Dan.
He pays him in roundhouse kicks to the groin…
Wow, I want Ben Matlock on my lawn bowling team! I could sit around and let him take the championship and I wouldn’t have to actually participate :)
Hope all is well, b, and that you are safe and smiling!
I know for a fact that Ben Matlock would be proud to be on your lawn bowling team, T. Provided he could still wear his grey suit…
Ben is the man I want to marry I’m gonna go put a matlockism up as my status on FB (properly attributed of course).
I hope you’re having the time of your life and you swear you never felt this way before, and you owe it all to Ben Matlock.
Vaya con dios y rico suave, mi amiga.
I’m not sure that marrying Ben would be such a good idea, Lisa. Only because I heard he gets a lot of objections in the bedroom.
*awkward silence*
ps. Rico suave, indeed!
Cute.
I actually liked that show.
Come to Nicaragua, then! Trust me, it’s on every hour on the hour.
That, and “Touched By an Angel”.
Say…. isn’t that Sheriff Andy? where’s Barney and Opie?
Opie off making for the most part excellent movies.
God I sound like a foreigner in that sentence above… not that there’s anything wrong with that. :-)
Canadian?
I’m from the USA but I live in a non-English speaking European country (non military). I am learning the language so I think at times this messes up my sentence structure.
Don’t worry, Mel, I sound like a foreigner all the time! (Granted, I guess it doesn’t help that I’m in a foreign country.)
I heard they got “Matlocked”.
Because I drink too much… I can’t remember when/why I was talking about Matlock recently…. However, your post is way more funny than whatever I was talking about!!!!
HAHAHAHAHA Love it!
Haha! Thanks Kap. I´m glad it wasn´t just my heatstroke talking. True story, I went for a nap after I posted it and when I woke up I was praying that I had just hallucinated the whole thing.
Eau de Justice = Hilarious!
It smells like equal parts Stetson and BenGay.
I use generic haitus. Much cheaper.
President´s Choice?
Haha! You’re right, Dan. He pays him in roundhouse kicks to the groin…
This shit is absolutely BRILLIANT! Chuck Norris just rolled over in his hyperbaric chamber. Yes, that one. He got a great deal on it.
So this is what they’re watching in Nicaragua. I bet Matlock is even funnier in Spanish.
It is! Ben Matlock is quite the card in the Latin American version of his show.
I think it´s his accent…
If you want to leave Central America, just tell Matlock and he will have you extradited on the next flight.
Ben Matlock would save me the trip by bringing Canada to me.
Bschooled If Parry Masion and Matlock faced each other who would win.
I plead the fifth.
(Only because between you and me, l think Horatio Cane would take them both to school. Or Bingo. Or wherever it is that old people go these days. )
May I jump in here please? I watched an awful lot of TV in the 60s and 70s.
In desk49’s imaginary contest, believe it or not, the winner should have been Monte Markham. Unfortunately, there was a huge CBS FAIL*. So the winner, according to my precise calculation, is Walker, Texas Ranger. Boo yah!
*The New Perry Mason
Monte Markham – Perry Mason
Sharon Acker – Della Street
Harry Guardino – Hamilton Burger
The Case of the Frenzied Feminist
Director: Murray Golden
Original Air Date: 16 December 1973 (1:12) – CBS
What about Angela Lansbury? Does she not count because she´s a chick?
Sorry bschooled, Angela don’t enter into it. She wasn’t a lawyer.
What? What the hell was she, then?
The nosy cat lady?
Reminds me of a lawyer joke (ther are so many Bea!!):
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” the cop said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”
Have a safe trip home Bea.
HA!! HILARIOUS, E!
That reminds me of a joke. I won`t type it out now (only b/c I’m at an internet cafe and the keyboard sucks), but I will say it involves two gay guys, a birthday dinner and a strategically-placed Rolex.
Actually, that’s pretty much the joke.
Holy hell, that’s some crazy funny shit. They’re all winners, but in a much more subjective way, this one is the true winner:
“-In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. Ben Matlock then turned that wine in to the authorities.”
That made my chest hurt. It was either the intense burst of laughter or some sort of envious brain stem response.
Funny, funny shit, bschooled. Consider me “slayed enough.”
Thanks, CLT. Sorry about the delayed response, I’m currently living life as a Nicaraguan, which means I am forced to follow their rules:
1) Do not run. Ever.
2) If you get hit by a car while crossing the street, it’s your fault for not running.
3) Do not run. Ever.
There’s also something about unreliable internet, but I can’t remember it right now. (I’m too busy not running.)
Matlock’s packin some heat there.
He also has a gun.
Matlock’s heat has it’s own area code.
I loved this, B, but I kept wishing for Aunt Bea to swing out of the kitchen with a casserole–or better yet, an apple pie–noting her furrowed brow intense upon solving a mysteriously minute problem that no one else cared about but would be the whole crux of the half hour, then crying out in her shrill, discordant tone, “An-DY?! An-DY?!”
Matlock is a mirage. There is only Paw.
;)
TSIB! I think you might be on to something here, have you ever thought of taking this idea to the TV Networks? With all that swinging and crying out and talking about stuff that nobody cares about, it could be like an old-fashioned Jersey Shore!
Great to see you, TSIB!
Well played B, I’m laughing out loud.
Crap. I was hoping you’d be rolling on the floor laughing. But I’ll take what I can get. ;)
How about an LOL?
LMAO or forget it.
Ben Matlock told a woman, while walking down the street, she was pregnant, and nine months later Chuck Norris was born.
Ha! Maybe that’s why Chuck has so much pent up anger. Because he was born via immaculate conception, he never had a father figure.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the best shit I’ve seen since the internet was invented. This is going to be HUGE!
I’m going to get to work now so that when you get back from your vacation I can contribute a few of these gems so that I’ll be able to claim partial ownership when this thing blows up like the popularity of Kim Kardashian’s ass.
And, you know, her ass itself.
Get on it, Scott! (on the gems, not on Kim´s ass.)
Speaking of Kardashian ass, I´ve been seeing a lot of it lately. Too much, in fact.
I find it amusing that I never saw the show once back home, but now that I´m in a developing country it´s on almost every channel…
i see your hiatus has made you even more brilliant.
Ha! Without sounding too cocky, I think you might be right, E.
I believe this heatstroke has boosted my IQ into the high double digits!
Heatstroke? I’m jealous. It’s been cold here and supposed to snow again this week :(.
brilliant! I can see why he has a motorway in Springfield named after him.
And a town, AND a newspaper! ‘ http://www.matlockmercury.co.uk/
This guy is like the geriatric version of the Olsen Twins…
Okay…I fucked him (Matlock).
Now will you write Denny a personal ad?
Oh my god… how are you not dead by being constantly amazed at your own genius? Would that make someone crazy? But then again, your not just someone. I say we all work hard to turn this into the next big internet meme. Your next post should involve the events of a death-match between Matlock and Chuck Norris (or maybe Van Damme?).
Doc, I am only as genius as your schooling allows me to be.
I say we do Matlock and Jean Claude! Chuck is too busy pimping his goods- http://parentesis.zonalibre.org/chuck-norris-action-jeans.jpg.
The winner can take on Judge Wapner! Or maybe the lady from The Facts of Life?
I followed Dr. C’s link from Facebook, and I’m so glad I did.
You kill me dead. Hilarious.
Just so you know, I´m naming my next illegitimate child after you.
Steam Me Up, Kid Becky sent me here. She said you weren’t at all funny but that you have really nice tits and your breath smells like vanilla pudding.
I disagree. Lefty looks like a B-cup.
*waves angry fist in the air at Sarah P*
She´s right!
Only it´s more like a vanilla flan. I make two, then store them in my bra for later. (Hence the nice tits.)
Lol, sounds like the kind of guy i dont want to mess with
Ben Matlock drove a Ford Crown Victoria, not a Buick LeSabre.