Before Chuck Norris, there was this man…


Ben Matlockisms


-When Ben Matlock is around, Exhibit A submits itself.

-When Ben Matlock’s LeBuick Sabre runs out of gas, he simply intimidates it from point A to point B.

-Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper. Ben Matlock acquitted all three.

-Ben Matlock doesn’t wear suspenders. He just threatens to hold his pants in contempt if they don’t stay up.

-In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. Ben Matlock then turned that wine in to the authorities.

-Ben Matlock played a game of lawn bowling with nothing but circumstantial evidence. AND HE WON.

-Ben Matlock doesn’t read books. He puts them on the stand and questions them until they finally break down and tell their story.

-Ben Matlock came out of his mother’s womb with the umbilical cord tied around his neck. He immediately had her convicted for attempted manslaughter.

-When an episode of Matlock was aired in South America, the entire Latino population confessed to the crime.

-Ben Matlock does not get dementia. Ben Matlock gets RE-mentia.

-Only Ben Matlock knows what RE-mentia means.

-Ben Matlock once ate seventeen hot dogs in one hour. He spent the first forty-five minutes convincing the cows to give up their extra organs.

-Ben Matlock bottles his sweat and sells as “Eau de Justice”.

-The only reason Carmen SanDiego was found is because Ben Matlock subpoenaed her.

-If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Ben Matlock.



  1. He looks like a gay version of “Big” John Cannon, proprietor of the High Chaparral.

  2. AHHAHAAHAHH..You are the funniest person i know….zman sends

  3. I forgot to re-mentia that you need to re-mentia to bring me a present back from your trip.

    • HA!

      No need to re-mentia me, it’s already taken care of. I got you something that’s even better than a gift. This comment entitles you to one free life-coaching session (valid as soon as I finish my self-taught life-coaching program).

  4. frigginloon says:

    I nearly subpoenaed my pants reading this :)

  5. Even though Chuck Norris is above the law, he still has Ben Matlock on retainer.

  6. Wow, I want Ben Matlock on my lawn bowling team! I could sit around and let him take the championship and I wouldn’t have to actually participate :)

    Hope all is well, b, and that you are safe and smiling!

  7. Ben is the man I want to marry I’m gonna go put a matlockism up as my status on FB (properly attributed of course).

    I hope you’re having the time of your life and you swear you never felt this way before, and you owe it all to Ben Matlock.

    Vaya con dios y rico suave, mi amiga.

    • I’m not sure that marrying Ben would be such a good idea, Lisa. Only because I heard he gets a lot of objections in the bedroom.

      *awkward silence*

      ps. Rico suave, indeed!

  8. Cute.

    I actually liked that show.

  9. Say…. isn’t that Sheriff Andy? where’s Barney and Opie?

  10. Because I drink too much… I can’t remember when/why I was talking about Matlock recently…. However, your post is way more funny than whatever I was talking about!!!!

    HAHAHAHAHA Love it!

    • Haha! Thanks Kap. I´m glad it wasn´t just my heatstroke talking. True story, I went for a nap after I posted it and when I woke up I was praying that I had just hallucinated the whole thing.

  11. Eau de Justice = Hilarious!

  12. I use generic haitus. Much cheaper.

  13. Haha! You’re right, Dan. He pays him in roundhouse kicks to the groin…

  14. This shit is absolutely BRILLIANT! Chuck Norris just rolled over in his hyperbaric chamber. Yes, that one. He got a great deal on it.

    So this is what they’re watching in Nicaragua. I bet Matlock is even funnier in Spanish.

  15. If you want to leave Central America, just tell Matlock and he will have you extradited on the next flight.

  16. Bschooled If Parry Masion and Matlock faced each other who would win.

    • I plead the fifth.

      (Only because between you and me, l think Horatio Cane would take them both to school. Or Bingo. Or wherever it is that old people go these days. )

      • May I jump in here please? I watched an awful lot of TV in the 60s and 70s.

        In desk49’s imaginary contest, believe it or not, the winner should have been Monte Markham. Unfortunately, there was a huge CBS FAIL*. So the winner, according to my precise calculation, is Walker, Texas Ranger. Boo yah!

        *The New Perry Mason

        Monte Markham – Perry Mason
        Sharon Acker – Della Street
        Harry Guardino – Hamilton Burger

        The Case of the Frenzied Feminist
        Director: Murray Golden
        Original Air Date: 16 December 1973 (1:12) – CBS

  17. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Reminds me of a lawyer joke (ther are so many Bea!!):

    A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

    Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

    When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” the cop said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

    “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

    “My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”

    Have a safe trip home Bea.

    • HA!! HILARIOUS, E!

      That reminds me of a joke. I won`t type it out now (only b/c I’m at an internet cafe and the keyboard sucks), but I will say it involves two gay guys, a birthday dinner and a strategically-placed Rolex.

      Actually, that’s pretty much the joke.

  18. Holy hell, that’s some crazy funny shit. They’re all winners, but in a much more subjective way, this one is the true winner:

    “-In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. Ben Matlock then turned that wine in to the authorities.”

    That made my chest hurt. It was either the intense burst of laughter or some sort of envious brain stem response.

    Funny, funny shit, bschooled. Consider me “slayed enough.”

    • Thanks, CLT. Sorry about the delayed response, I’m currently living life as a Nicaraguan, which means I am forced to follow their rules:

      1) Do not run. Ever.
      2) If you get hit by a car while crossing the street, it’s your fault for not running.
      3) Do not run. Ever.

      There’s also something about unreliable internet, but I can’t remember it right now. (I’m too busy not running.)

  19. Matlock’s packin some heat there.

    He also has a gun.

  20. I loved this, B, but I kept wishing for Aunt Bea to swing out of the kitchen with a casserole–or better yet, an apple pie–noting her furrowed brow intense upon solving a mysteriously minute problem that no one else cared about but would be the whole crux of the half hour, then crying out in her shrill, discordant tone, “An-DY?! An-DY?!”

    Matlock is a mirage. There is only Paw.


    • TSIB! I think you might be on to something here, have you ever thought of taking this idea to the TV Networks? With all that swinging and crying out and talking about stuff that nobody cares about, it could be like an old-fashioned Jersey Shore!

      Great to see you, TSIB!

  21. Robert X. Jones says:

    Well played B, I’m laughing out loud.

  22. Ben Matlock told a woman, while walking down the street, she was pregnant, and nine months later Chuck Norris was born.

  23. I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that this is the best shit I’ve seen since the internet was invented. This is going to be HUGE!

    I’m going to get to work now so that when you get back from your vacation I can contribute a few of these gems so that I’ll be able to claim partial ownership when this thing blows up like the popularity of Kim Kardashian’s ass.

  24. i see your hiatus has made you even more brilliant.

  25. brilliant! I can see why he has a motorway in Springfield named after him.

  26. Okay…I fucked him (Matlock).

    Now will you write Denny a personal ad?

  27. Oh my god… how are you not dead by being constantly amazed at your own genius? Would that make someone crazy? But then again, your not just someone. I say we all work hard to turn this into the next big internet meme. Your next post should involve the events of a death-match between Matlock and Chuck Norris (or maybe Van Damme?).

  28. I followed Dr. C’s link from Facebook, and I’m so glad I did.

    You kill me dead. Hilarious.

  29. Steam Me Up, Kid Becky sent me here. She said you weren’t at all funny but that you have really nice tits and your breath smells like vanilla pudding.

    I disagree. Lefty looks like a B-cup.

  30. Lol, sounds like the kind of guy i dont want to mess with

  31. Anonymous says:

    Ben Matlock drove a Ford Crown Victoria, not a Buick LeSabre.

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