Sorry, but I’m already enrolled in “Make Him A Sandwich 101”

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Today when I logged in to Facebook, I noticed that I had received an event invitation.

Now normally  I make it a point never to acknowledge that section of my homepage. Not because I’m antisocial or anything (not to brag, but in high school my nickname was “Backseat Becky”), but because that’s where the birthday announcements are and personally I find the whole birthday acknowledgment deal extremely stressful.

I always think, what happens if I don’t log in one day and I accidentally miss someone’s birthday, only they think I did it on purpose and that I’m a total bitch so they defriend me but I don’t even notice because I never see them in real life anyway?

Only one day I do see them and since we have nothing else to talk about I say something  like “OMG, Wasn’t my last status update hilarious? Seriously, where do I come up with this stuff?” and that’s when they say “I wouldn’t know. I defriended you a long time ago.”

What then?

That’s why it’s better for everyone if I refuse to acknowledge any birthday-related announcements. That way nobody can accuse me of playing favorites.

Anyway, like I was saying, I usually don’t look over there. But for some reason this event invitation caught my eye:

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I concealed the date just so you ladies out there don't try to crash it...

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Turns out the invitation was from a girl I used to work with (at a fitness club, not a chicken ranch), who I haven’t seen in years.

Having never taken a fellatio class before, needless to say my curiosity was piqued.

Here it is:

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..

Unfortunately, because the date conflicted with another non-existent event that I won’t be attending, I had to decline. But I was kind enough to send her a note explaining why:

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Dear Friend/Professor/Fellatio Expert,

Thank-you so much for the invitate, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to attend your class. Not because I have anything else to do, mind you, only because if I had to choose, I would opt to take any one these classes instead:

-Retiling The Bathroom 101 Class

-Watching Two And A Half Men 101 Class

-Spam Sculpting 101 Class

-Cleaning The Toilet With My Hair 101 Class

-Taxidermy On The Only Cat I Ever Liked 101 Class

This 101 Class

-Spiking My Own Drink With Roofies 101 Class

-Not Having To Worry About My Gag Reflex 101 Class

– Not Paying $40 To Be A Blow Job Expert 101 Class

-Not Paying $40 To Give A Blow Job At All 101 Class

-Shouldn’t The Guy Be Paying Me $40? 101 Class

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If you offer any of the above classes in the future, let me know. Otherwise, you should probably take me off your contact list, since I already took this course years ago (via home schooling) and never used it.

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Best,

B.

 

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Comments

  1. “Not Having To Worry About My Gag Reflex” Isn’t that what the class is supposed to be teaching you??

  2. It sounds like a crash course…. I’d prefer the advanced version which includes 14 tutorials

    http://nursemyra.wordpress.com/2007/05/03/the-travelling-figure-eight/

    • nursemyra:
      Was that 14 or 14″

    • Ha!! I love this part:

      “…nursemyra was a little surprised that it would take 14 lessons to master a technique she perfected quite some years ago. nevertheless I dutifully read through all the recommended sucks steps to ensure I was not omitting vital manoeuvres. I am delighted to report that a refresher course will not be necessary and I have awarded myself a score of 14/14.”

      Really, did you expect anything less? ;)

  3. I miss out on *so* much by not being on Facebook. There’s probably a fellatio class going on somewhere nearby right this second, but I’m just sitting home alone brushing my cats’ hair and being a lesbian. Sigh.

  4. 40 bucks? Seems like a good deal. How does one become a ‘model’ for this class?

  5. Robert X. Jones says:

    I donate my time (for free) to model for this class and the Handjob 101 class. Anything to help out our failing educational system.

  6. I took the class last year. The premise of the class is, “If you’re going to get screwed, you might as well enjoy it.” I failed the class and got an “F”.

  7. I can’t get past women from saying (“Not just no but hell NO”) so I think I’ll save my money.

  8. Ugh…Can you imagine actually going to that and then looking around to catch a feel for whatever sort of person showed up? 40! F that!

  9. I’ve heard about classes like this, they make you practice with a popsicle. If your tongue changes colour it means you’re doing it right.

  10. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I’m pretty sure all our Vegas girls graduated summa ‘cum’ laude (hehe).

  11. Totally agree with you B. Why pay $40 when my gay friend Howie will very happily ‘school’ me for a rack of Bud Lite?

    Besides, blow jobs are really overrated. Give us a good hard shag and then we’ll quit pestering you for 20 minutes or so.

  12. If you’re paying $40, shouldn’t you be on the receiving end of the oral?

    How hard is fellatio anyway? Unless you just can’t stop poking yourself in the eye with the dick. Or, like, you accidentally nibble off a little too much skin around the base, which obviously everyone does in the beginning because it’s so delicious. Practice makes good enough is what I’m saying.

    If you’ve got a dick in your mouth, nobody should be complaining.

    • Hahaha!!!

      “If you’ve got a dick in your mouth, nobody should be complaining.”

      I love this. Really, it brings Women’s Empowerment to a whole new level.

  13. Whawk! Bwhaaah.

  14. Oh shit Bschooled I accepted my invite, I thought it had something to do with Shakespeare . You know “I knew him well, Fellatio. A man of infinite jest” :(

  15. As much as I find a Fellatio class to be intriguing, I find the possibility of stocking up one’s Passion Pantry much more intriguing. I also find the fact that someone refers to it as a Passion Pantry intriguing. So many of us are content to refer to it as “the back of the sock drawer” or “the very top shelf of the walk-in closet” or “the living room end table” (bachelors only).

    Of course, I’ve always felt that Fellatio is something that someone should practice for free or, failing that, in exchange for money or drugs or a more favorable pre-nup. Paying for the opportunity to insert a variety of phallic vegetables into your mouth seems to fly in the face (um… fuck it, I’m letting that one go) of socially accepted norms. If anything, the local basement dwellers should be coughing up $40 per to stand in the bushes outside and peer through the crack in the curtains. It all seems like some sort of pyramid scheme in which you tell two friends and they tell two friends and so on until the local grocer is completely sold out of cucumbers and carrots.

    I think you were right to skip this one, bschooled. After all, the lineup of other events you’re avoiding leaves you rather pressed for time. You’ll barely have time to click “No” or “Ignore” or “Block all invitations from this user.” Between the Jonas Bros and Ben Matlock and various other internet celebrities, your hands will be too busy to gently caress produce in front of casual acquaintances and complete strangers. And Ralph. He’s in the bushes right now caressing something. Probably not a rabbit. Unless it’s well-trained and willing to stay out of sight and at crotch level.

    • I know! Personally, I always thought everyone had a Passion Lazy Susan. It didn’t even occur to me that I could put my passion paraphernalia into a bigger storage space. All this time I was like, “I wish I could, but my Passion Lazy Susan is full. I’d have nowhere to put it! Besides, my husband would kill me.”

      Of course later on I would remember that I didn’t actually have a husband. Or a Passion Lazy Susan.

      But by then it would be too late.

      Oh, that Ralph! He’s just like Jason, only more Todd-like**.

      **I have no idea what this means.

  16. I think I may have been to “Spiking My Own Drink With Roofies 101 Class”, but for some reason I can never remember.

  17. wait, i’m confused…if i attended to class and paid $40 for materials, does that mean i get my very own dick to take home. or, is it just more of a class set of dicks situation?

  18. Can Denny get a gig as the figure model for the class?

    You can earn the $40 back in roughly three minutes, depending on the wind.

  19. I would model, but i’m busy washing my hair.
    I know it’s hard on the girls attending but there is always next time.

  20. I’m hurt that I won’t be seeing you there.

  21. I want you to know that a local dive bar used to have spam-carving contests. So, just in case you find a class, you know? xo

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