.**
I have an affinity for younger men. The younger the better. I like the ones who, while technically legal, could pass for a Senior at Degrassi High.
This would explain why I haven’t settled down. It also explains why I’m banned from going within two miles of any of Ralph Macchio’s movie sets.
.
.
My last relationship was with Buck, a twenty-four year old farmer from Saskatchewan. He was nice, but I knew it wasn’t meant to be. He had this annoying habit of introducing me to other girls as his cousin. Also, the only time he ever called was when his tractor was overheating and he needed a ride to the strip club.
At first, I let it go. But when he left a John Deere letter on my nightstand one morning, I knew I had to end it.
Still, I missed the companionship. The feeling of going to bed knowing that in just a few hours my man would be coming by for a booty call. Or the smell of this pillow, that would have his scent all over it had he stayed long enough to need it.
I tried internet dating, but the guys were always sending me mixed signals.
.
Just when I’d resigned myself to spending my life with a bunch of annoying cats, my friend told me about The Soul Mate Within, an iPhone App that helps you attract the partner of your dreams.
.
.
“It’s amazing!” she said. “It uses the Law of Attraction to manifest your romantic destiny by unleashing your inner power to the Universe.”
Since I didn’t know what the hell that even meant, naturally I was skeptical. But since it had state-of-the-art graphics and a user friendly interface, I decided to take a chance.
Through the same app, I came across an ad for a New Age singles dating site.
Immediately, I found myself drawn to one profile in particular:
.
.
Chakra Khan was a forty-something Feline Spiritual Guide/New Age Shamen. He was older than the guys I usually dated, but when I read his poem I knew we were meant to be.
Clawing, purring, Hopes Eternal Flame
Where did you wander off to?
More than one soul mate
but less than a few
One that has four legs
and one with just two.
I take off your collar
And then I begin
Quenching my thirst
As I lick your furless skin.
There is room for another on my tree.
You will be my two-legged feline.
Litter box remains.
…Cat got your tongue?
I was just about to send Chakra an email, when suddenly an instant message appeared on my screen.
“I can’t help but notice that your soul was smiling at my inner guide. Care to chat?” -Chakra Khan
I called him the next day. He talked about his pet peeves (the titmouse). I talked about myself. He told me that he used his subconsious mind to create abundance. I told him that I used my subconscious mind to make my hair cascade down my back in shiny ringlets.
He asked me if I believed in fate. I said no. It was fate.
“Do you think the Universe is trying to tell us something?” I asked.
“Well, why don’t you ask her yourself?” He put the phone receiver next to his cat’s ear.
Chakra had named his cat “The Universe”. He said she was very sensitive to touch because in the litter she had some breathing issues.
“Her Spirit Guides chose me to help her heal,” he said.
That weekend, we had our first date. Sitting across the table at the restaurant, I couldn’t help but notice The Universe’s long whiskers as he lay across Chakra’s shoulders. “My aunt has whiskers, too,” I said.
Chakra laughed. The Universe hissed at me. I decided to take this as a good sign.
Later, we went to see a New Age Eco-Friendly Comedian. The act consisted of 100% recycled material and his jokes had never been tested on animals.
“There’s always a first time,” Chakra said, as The Universe sat poised on his lap.
I laughed. The Universe scratched me. I took this as a “just okay” sign.
Because my inner guide can’t hold its liquor, by the time the show ended I was trashed. I invited him over to my place for a night cap/Chakra alignment.
We started kissing. Chakra asked me if the shag rug matched the beaded drapes. I said yes.
After losing my virginity so often that my Dad had threatened to have it tattooed on my forehead, I promised myself that I would hold out until I was in a committed relationship. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at keeping promises I make to myself.
Just as Chakra was getting ready to feel my aura from the inside, I felt something wet on my leg. When I looked down, I saw that The Universe was peeing on me.
“Look!” Chakra said. “She’s marking you for me! She knows you’re mine.”
Instantly the mood was killed.
I told Chakra that I had forgotten I was deathly allergic to cats, and he would have to leave. Then I took a shower and Febreezed my bedsheets.
I never saw Chakra again, but few weeks later he sent me an email. Apparently The Universe had been hit by a car. She died on impact.
I can’t help thinking that somehow The Universe was to blame.
.
*****
**In an attempt to become a famous journalist, I recently interviewed multi-talented satchel-aficionado Jerrod from Breaking Awkward. Click here to read the amazingness that is he. Or him. Whatever.
.
.
Just Making Convo 
“The Universe hissed at me. I decided to take this as a good sign.” bumper sticker.
I always wanted my words to be immortalized on a bumper sticker!
I thought it would be for my signature line, “If Heaven Got Possums, I’m Bringin’ My Shotgun.” But turns out someone already thought of that.
“He had this annoying habit of introducing me as his cousin”
Which was really ackward when your friends caught you two making out.
I’ve never wanted to date a man who wasn’t old enough to know who The Smiths were. If they don’t know that, they are not old enough to afford my upkeep. Since I don’t have any experience in how to date younger men, I went to ehow that knows everything. Be sure to note the last tip in their “tips” section – http://www.ehow.com/how_2060200_date-younger-men.html.
I always go for the older guys. All you need to do is sex ’em up for a half an hour and you have the rest of the evening to yourself to do whatever you want.
Haha! I actually do like the older guys. And by older, I mean like dirt-old. Just prop them on the couch with a dinner tray and The Wheel of Fortune, and you have the rest of your life to do whatever you want!
Chakra Khan sounds like a puuurrrfect mate! And, I’m sure he’s well on his way to becoming the next Jackson Galaxy “Cat Whisperer” too! You gosta cash in on that girl before he starts licking someone else’s furless skin.
Well, when you put it that way!!!
ps.I just realized I should probably finish that sentence.
What I meant to say was, “When you put it that way, I totally gag!!”
I kinda still love Chakra, but if a guy has his own pussy, then really, what’s the point?
That’s what she said!!
(And by “she” I mean “The Universe”.)
I went the other direction bschooled…I always had a thing for older guys. You don’t know how many times I wanted to get my ‘Crane’ on with Mr. Miyagi and share a post-coital cup of tea and a sushi roll.
P.S. LOL-HOWL-ing at the John Deere letter!
HAHA! I actually had to Google Mr. Miyagi, just to make sure I was on the same page. (I totally was!)
While we’re on the subject of Japanese men, I actually had a crush on Masaharu Morimoto (one of the Iron Chefs) for a short while. I think it was the long hair in a ponytail that did it for me. I know it wasn’t the food he was preparing.
“After losing my virginity so often that my Dad had threatened to have it tattooed on my forehead.”
That’s so many ways of awesome I have to get down on the floor and do the “I’m not worthy” pose.
Haha! Trust me WTD, you’re more than worthy.:)
“Later, we went to see a New Age Eco-Friendly Comedian. The act consisted of 100% recycled material and his jokes had never been tested on animals.”
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha………
I love it when you pick up what I’m (sadly) putting down!!!
So what your telling me is that if I pee on your leg you will kick me out of bed??? Damn why are you so prudish?? And here I thought we might have a “thing”…
Don’t be silly!
I only get grossed out when cats pee on me. Human urine is fine.
oh honey, you’re hilarious.
Younger guys seem to like me because I’m “flirty” and cougar material, but since I’m only 15, these kids are around 5 to 12 years old. Damn it. (I only like fully matured penises.)
And that poem is awesome. Would totally win my heart.
Screw the universe. ):
I find I relate really well to the five year-olds. After that, their jokes tend to go over my head.
Trust me, if you screw The Universe you’ll have PETA all over your ass.
(Or, so I heard.)
I think that cat loved you in the same way the ugly sisters loved Cinderella. And Prince Charming was a tease because he never licked your furless skin. I bet the cat had his tongue…
HA! You’re right.
Suddenly I feel really bad for The Universe…
i think you’ve found a real niche here.
the law of attraction is so real. and you seem to have a unbridled (inappropriate use of that word) handle on how it works. if you could just remind the law that you’re allergic to cats next time?
love and bschooled: taking it to the next level.
I’ll be first to sign up for that course
Thank-you, Blunty.
And just so you know, “Unbridled” is my new safe word.
ps. BRAD WOMACK! TONIGHT! ON TV #WHY?????
Girl, I can’t believe anyone would leave you a John Deere letter. The audacity!
Also, do you still have Chakra’s info? I have a few single gf’s who are looking for winners to date.
I wish I could help, but I think he’s currently on tour with Siegfried and Roy.
Try Googling “Siegfried, Roy and Chakra Khan”.
I think the Universe was telling you that you should be with Michael Olalekan Odesanya Lekues. Obviously he was the one. Weren’t you paying attention when he said he was single? You deserve this Becky. The Universe was trying to tell you that.
And I was trying to tell him to GTF out of my way when I turned him into road kill. Fucking pretentious cat.
Fucking pretentious cat, indeed. Seriously, who names themselves The Universe?
I just hope I can keep my last name.
I’ve never seen the word “annoying” used to modify “cats.” I don’t understand. I assume it’s a mistake.
HAH!
Er, I meant “annoying” in the Spanish sense of the word. (very) Loosely translated, it means “amazing”.
You know, just like how “embarazada” actually means “pregnant”.
I really think you should give Chakra Khan a second chance solely due to the cleverness of his name. Go Team Chakra!
The Universe is a great name for a cat. I love giving my pets’ names that will confuse people who may overhear me talking to my veterinarian on the phone.
I curse my vivid imagination when I read things like that poem.
The “New Age Eco-Friendly Comedian” line is classic!
I say you quit whatever it is you’re doing and become a professor of poetry. That poem is pure gold and platinum.
Thank-you, Doc.
Not to brag, but it sounds even better when I say it in a Spanish accent.
I liked The Universe better than Chakra, but platonically. But I’d still let Chakra rock me, because that’s all that I want to do, let me hug him and squeeze him and feel him too because I feel for him because I love him. I’m sure you understand.
I feel for you I tried to go out with a younger woman one time but could not get her walker on my moped.
It wisent until the next morning as I got out of bed and stepped on her depends I got it second thoughts.
I gave up on the internet for meeting woman all they wounded was money.
I gave up on meeting woman at the supermarket all they wounded was money.
I gave up on meeting woman at bars they keep handcuffing themselves to the pluming in the women’s bathroom.