I am an Eskimo racist.

I will never be famous. I’m okay with that.

To be famous, you have to not care about what other people think of you. I suffer from a rare disease where I need everyone to think I’m awesome. It’s genetic.

Also, when you’re famous you have to give up your privacy. You can no longer do the walk of shame without your picture ending up on the cover of magazines like In Touch or Enormous Clitoris Weekly. Sundays are my shame walk days. I can’t see that changing.

When I first started my blog, I posted a photo of a group of Inuit women. I called it “The Real Housewives of Nunivak County”. Trust me when I say it was hilarious.

.

LOL!

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A short time later, I received an email from a man named Peter. I didn’t know anyone by that name, but because I get a lot of fan mail from random guys (usually with photos of their genitals attached) I didn’t think much of it.

Turns out it wasn’t a fan letter at all. In fact, it was an anti-fan letter. 

Peter accused me of being an “Eskimo racist”. He said that I was an ignorant, narrow-minded American who was too ignorant and narrow-minded to realize that Eskimos were good people with honest values who would never do a reality show because they are good people with honest values and he would know because he was neither ignorant nor narrow-minded. Also, he had Eskimo friends.

I was stunned. Could Peter be right? Was I an Eskimo racist? Did I subconsciously feel as though Eskimos were inferior because they lived in igloos? Or because they feed their babies by spitting chewed up food into their mouths?

I always thought that being Canadian made me a cousin of the Eskimo. But if this stranger who didn’t even know me could tell that I was an Inuit xenophobe, then maybe I was.

I had to know the truth, so I called my friend G. 

Am I racist against Eskimos?” I asked.

She said she hadn’t really noticed. But she did notice that I’m racist against girls who wear Uggs in the summer. And cheap bastards.

.

.

We decided that just to be safe, I should make sure that I never go on an Alaskan cruise. Also, no more Eskimo kisses.

A few months ago, I was walking home from work when I saw a homeless man sitting under the bridge. I could tell by his toque and heavy jacket that he was an Eskimo.

I gave him the thumbs up sign so he would know I wasn’t racist. He smiled. I smiled. It was a special moment. He held out an old baseball cap. It was filled with coins.

“Oh, no,” I said. “I couldn’t.” But he was persistent. Just to be polite, I took a few of the silver ones. “Thank-you,” I said. “I will add them to my collection.”

As I walked away, I couldn’t help thinking about the irony of it all. The homeless Eskimo man must have been thinking the same thing, because I could hear him yelling after me.

Unfortunately, because I don’t speak Mukluk, I decided it would be best if I just ignored him.

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Comments

  1. If your re-telling was accurate, Peter was a humorless dick. I think of you as more of a human racist, and I agree that Uggs + swimsuits is fuggly.

  2. I call dibs on the one in the middle. Her eyes are looking at me something fierce.

    Bea!!!

  3. You already know I hate Eskimos. And midgets, old people…well, I’m not going through the list yet again. Peter can blow you.

    (And thanks for reminding me I need to renew my Enormous Clitoris Weekly subscription. I heard Oprah is going to be in the next issue!)

  4. “He said that I was an ignorant, narrow-minded American ”

    Did you tell him you were Canadian AND did you tell him that eskimos are American too?

    No more eskimo kisses?? Does that mean no more Eskimo pie either?

    • I was going to, but then I got distracted by the whole Uggs in summer business.

      What the eff is Eskimo pie? I have a feeling I’m allergic.

  5. Wow, you’re hilarious. I like it.

    ALSO – Uggs can give you foot fungus if you wear them when it’s hot and feet sweat a lot inside them. So, I know those girls think they’re being stylish – but they’re also being gross.

  6. FYI re:Enormous Clitoris Weekly

    Along with Oprah, the next issue will feature an interview with Vern Troyer (Mini-Me). He’s portraying Chyna’s clitoris in her biopic. She’s the former bodybuilder, pro wrestler, and sex tape star. He says he had to really bulk up for the role.

  7. At least now you know for sure. And knowing is half the battle, right? (pst – do they really eat seal fat?)

  8. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Fortunately, I speak a little Mukluk. The man yelled “Tuktusiuriagaticitqingnapinngitkyptinnga!”: “You’ll never go caribou hunting with me again!”

  9. Superb!!! We all need to be racist in some degree or another. Personally, I’m a bit racist when it comes to the Bene Ephraim of southern India. I heard they’re all dead now, which wasn’t my fault as I’ve only ever been to the northern part of India, I think, because the hash there can make you do really weird things, but if I did meet one, I know I’d hate him or her. But if they had a cup with stuff in it, I’d be obliged to take some as well.

    • Ha! I would drink the juice, too.

      Truth be told, I hate people with Smallpox. And dinosaurs.

      • You hate people with dinosaurs? Even pterodactyls? Damn!

        • Are pterodactyls the ones with the wonky limbs? If so, then yes.

          • Well, your limbs would be wonky, too, if you’d only had a few million years of evolution to work on them and then a big meteor fell out of the sky and killed you and everyone you knew and then these little hairless apes you’d never really paid much attention to came along and dug up your bones and wired them all together and put them on display in a museum and they made little plastic replicas of you that are for sale in the tacky and over-crowded, gift shop (open until closing).

            Give’m a break, is all I’m sayin’….

  10. I think if you were actually racist against Eskimos, would anyone (other than Peter) ever know? They’re so remote and there’s so few of them that I think society as a whole would be able to weather your racism without even slowing down to sign a petition. “If they didn’t want to be discriminated against, maybe they should stop wearing their weird-ass, proto-Ugg footwear and move that hell out of that icehole they call home.”

    Plus, their Eskimo kisses suck. There’s no tongue involved and very little action beyond first base. It just must be too much trouble to strip down for a little action during the eternal winter of Eskimoa or wherever they’re from.

    Final note: stay away from guys named “Peter,” especially if they’ve named their genitals after themselves. They’re usually self-centered and lack imagination, no matter what their Match.com profile says.

    • Haha!

      You’re right, CLT! Thanks to you, I’m now racist against guys named Peter. And the frigid.

      I swear, those Todds are looking better and better…

  11. You’re only an Eskimo racist if you vomit after eating Hakarl.

  12. I thought Eskimo’s were extinct :(

  13. If anyone is a racist, it’s Peter. It seems like because you say something uncomplimentary about Eskimos that already makes you an American. Some of the most derogatory statements about Eskimos were said by the Eskimos themselves.

  14. Sometimes my misanthropy is mistaken for racism. I suspect you have the same problem. Of course you’re prejudiced against Eskimos. Because Eskimos are people. And people suck.

    Also, you’d think Eskimos would have a thicker skin, what with the whale meat and igloos. Frankly, I expected more from them.

    • I know, right?

      When you and I move to that place on the border (you know, that place where we can’t fucking swear), we better not have any Eskimo neighbors.

      Or neighbors of any race, for that matter.

  15. Allow me to speak for all ignorant, narrow-minded Americans by asking, are you sure Eskimos even exist? I’ve never met one. How can you discriminate against a group that can’t even prove their existence?

    • Good point, GG. My only proof is the horrid-looking mukluks that my mother made me wear when I was a kid. They were made from real seal fur and my mom said the Eskimos made them.

      If I’d only known that classmates were racist against kids who wore mukluks made from real seal fur…

    • Anonymous says:

      Natives do exist, (Eskimo is such a lower 48 term). I have met many. They know how you stupid whites discriminate against them. That’s why it’s so hard to speak to them. They think every white thinks the same. If you want to see one, come to interior Alaska and you’ll see many. Just remember, Alaskans carry lots of guns. So if you come up here with racist remarks, I (a white man in love with a Native girl), will hunt you down and shoot you, not to kill you, just to let you know you better cut that racist shit out.

  16. I made a comment on your site earlier, but it didn’t appear because many of my comments are going direct to spam. Please check for my earlier comment.

  17. At least Peter thought you were a genuine american. I hear that’s a compliment to you foreigners.

  18. I’m sorry I’m so late B, I got hung up by a passing lynch mob. Luckily they all got distracted by some other sort of news before they could drop me.

    I’ve been back here numerous times laughing and crying at this hilarity but I always keep getting stuck on the picture of you with the guy. He reminds me of somebody so much it’s driving me crazy. Some Hollywood D-lister? Like a nerd typecast guy? Holy shit this is driving me crazy! I’ma keep coming back until I figure out who.

  19. Another guy named Peter says:

    Hey, stumbled on this completely by accident. I just wanted you to know that I’m Inuit, and I don’t think you’re racist at all. That other Peter was WAY too sensitive on this issue. A joke is a joke.

    • Thanks, Peter. I appreciate the comment.

      And just so you know, it’s because of you that I’m no longer racist against guys named Peter. ;)

  20. RebeccaLK says:

    I love the way you view it. People take life to seriously. The uggs and bikinis reminded of the monkeys in the zoo with red butts!

  21. ESKIMO RACIST?

    Interesting. I don’t actually know much about them at all, seeing as I grew up in a place where it was summer all year long and I currently live in China. Which pretty much means that Eskimos are as lacking as freedom of speech.

    Anyway, I’m sure you get a lot of people telling you that you’re HILARIOUS.

    So…I won’t.

    OKAY FINE, you made me LOL throughout the post.

    That’s two ego boosts in a day.

    Be flattered.

  22. Charlene says:

    How do i follow your blog? You’re obviously hilarious.

Trackbacks

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