I couldn’t sleep. So instead, I made myself a sandwich.

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Anti-Social Experiment #234: How will people react when they see a sandwich surfing the web? 

Hypothesis: They won’t.

Conclusion: They didn’t.


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Comments

  1. I confess I never considered the merits of posing as a sandwich. A policeman, sure, and who hasn’t thought of pretending to be an elephant trainer? Now having seen the genius of your approach, I’m going to start a page and be Xanax. Will I be too mellow to bother? Probably. Being Xanax would be very tiring.

    • Ha! Why didn’t I think of Xanax???

      Oh, right, because if I had, then I wouldn’t have been suffering from the chronic insomnia that triggered this extreme WTF?-edness in the first place.

      Maybe next time I’ll be a hash brownie.

  2. Bitch, make me a me! (SLAP)

    • Q- What did the sandwich say to his girlfriend?

      A- Go get a woman to make me!

      (It’s way funnier when I do the accompanying crotch grab.)

      • sandwiches have crotch’s to grab??? I didn’t know… What side is it on… I want to make sure that I start on the other side to prolong the wonder and excitement for my sandwich!! Foreplay…its not just for people!

  3. I wonder if I made myself a vodka tonic if I’d have this same level of success? Worth a try!
    I wish that when I have trouble sleeping I could come up with awesomely funny crap like this.

    • Vodka tonic is a great idea! I wouldn’t be able to pull it off myself, only because knowing me, I’d get right into character and the result would be a bunch of nonsensical words and pics of my lying face down on the floor.

      The problem with insomnia is that while it seems funny to me at the time, I always end up looking back on it and thinking WTF???

  4. Brilliant.
    Stay safe (don’t get eaten)

  5. Well, I am doing this. I always wanted to be a bag of chips, nay, bag of pretzels. Can I be a bag of pretzels or do I have to be a pretzel?

    • That’s the best part about it, Will you can be anything that you want!

      Though if I were you, I would probably be a gluten-free pretzel. Trust me when I say that gluten haters can be cruel.

  6. See, if I did this I’d have to be the Non-cured Nitrate Free Ham on Gluten Free Bread sandwich. Doesn’t really *roll off the tongue*. Bada bing bada boom. I’ll be here all week.

    • Haha! That is brilliant! Then I could be the Non-cured Nitrate Free Ham on Gluten Free Bread sandwich’s BFF. Or enemy, depending on how well regular ham and Nitrate free ham get along. (I’m not sure of the logistics. )

      BTW, I’m glad they found a cure for Nitrate Free Ham. I was beginning to think that I was just wasting money by donating to their cause.

  7. I tried to make myself aware, but I forgot ware I was. Then I tried to make myself presentable, but the present became the past and no one sat at me. Now I’m making myself a resume. When it’s done, I will.

  8. I bet you have tenderloins.

  9. Giiirrrll, I eat chu all up! But not like lesbo eat chu all up, more like ham sandmich on rye eat chu all up. Although I’d prefer you as a Pastrami Ruben, but that’s just me.

    • Eat chu all up is my middle name!

      ps. My old boss was named Reuben. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from calling him “Sandwich”. It basically killed any potential opportunities I had for career advancement.

  10. Love this!

    I would love to see Ryan Ham Sandwich in action at an interview.

    Employer: So Ryan, your resume is very impressive but tell me, what is your greatest weakness?
    Ryan Ham Sandwich: Caring too much, being too delicious and oh yeah, mold.

    • Haha! Believe it or not (believe it!), that’s exactly the same thing I say at interviews!

      (Only instead of “being too delicious,” I say “overly-shiny hair to the point of causing blindness”)

  11. “Bread-y or not, here I come!” If there’s a bad bread joke I’ve yet to here it.

    • I know, right? I preface every conversation with the hilarious quote, “I’m the one who said just grab ’em in the biscuits!”

      (I didn’t, really. But since most of my conversations are with myself anyway, it’s not like I’m going to call me out for it.)

  12. Wait a minute. Are you saying (without really saying it) that there are people on Facebook that aren’t really people? Because if that’s what you’re sort of saying with your Sandwich thing, then I don’t know what to think. My faith in humanity is swiftly being shattered, or at least dinged up a bit.

    I thought Facebook was the one place on the internet where everyone could finally be themselves, or at least forced to by the extensive Terms of Service. I’m not sure if FB will ever be the same now that I’m forced to view it cynically as a 700-million-person focus group, populated by sentient sandwiches and alter egos.

    P.S. Does Ham on Rye have a farm? If so, I’ll send over a neighbor invitation. You can’t have too many Farmville friends.

    P.P.S. I should have put a “lol” at the end of that last sentence. Could you fix that for me?

    P.P.P.S. I dig your banner so hard.

  13. The dude freaking out over the ham group is my favorite. Seriously. He sounds like a great guy. Mostly because he doesn’t like ham. I don’t like ham either! It’s all fucking hammy. Give me BACON. Now there’s a REAL meat. Or pulled pork. That’s good too! But ham? If I wanted to eat something that looked like my ASS I’ll eat some ham. Shaved ass just doesn’t appeal to me.
    FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF CHOKES ON MY OWN SPIT AND COUGHS AND GOES TO DRINK SOME WATER.

  14. On a totally related note, I just want to say that not only do I love you and your blog, but I love COMMENTING on your blog. I have to be all sweet and nice to people who write shit about their dog catching herpes or their grandma setting their house on fire or something. I’m all, “Aww, that’s so sad, I feel so bad for you, I have genuine human emotions and can totes empathize!”
    But not here. No, not here. I’m free to let the creative bat shit crazy loose.
    I said loose.

    • I promise you that you will never read shit about dogs catching herpes or necrophiliac Grandmas on my blog. Or is it pyromaniac? Either way, you won’t find any of that.

      But I can’t promise you that there won’t be posts about dogs setting houses on fire. Or Grandmas catching herpes.

      Only because I’m bat shit crazy loose that way. And by loose, I mean extra loose.

  15. I think I need sandwich to write my resume for me.

  16. I can see why Ham on Rye wouldn’t want a sandwich. Any relationship would be incest and as something to eat would be cannibalism.

  17. Nice to see Linkedin finally count for something.

    Didn’t get me any ass. Not one bit.

  18. well, that pretty much settles it. i have 15 days left on this vacation, but this was the highlight, so i might as well go home now. and maybe i’ll eat a sandwich when i get there. i don’t know why i have this sudden urge for a sandwich. hmmm.

  19. Thanks. Now I want a sandwich and we have no bread.

    Mm, ham.

  20. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I’ll have vegetarian kosher prosciutto on challah please (unless it is that cute Mexasian boy making the sandwiches…in which case I’ll have a spring roll concoction wrapped in a burrito…yeah, that sounds good!

    • HA! Mexasian is my new favorite word. True story, I always wanted a half-mexican half-asian baby. But my non-mexican non-asianness made it impossible.

      • elizabeth3hersh says:

        I meant tortilla, but had ‘burritos’ on my mind (hehe…you know what I mean bschooled).

  21. Well, it worked! I was having a really sucky night and then thought, “Geez I wonder what bschooled has going on over at her place?” That’s what I love about your blog- you never disappoint… now fuck the fuck off! (did I mention I’m pretty hammered right now?) I love you. :-)

    • Aww!!! I love you, too! I wish I was in Thailand getting drunk with you. If only they let sandwiches across the border…

      • That’s be great! Just rremember here in Thailand bribery is affordable to the common man. (unlike some countries who shall remain nameless) Seriously we just had a Thai cop ask us, “Do you have something for me?” Uhh.. we had to think about that for a second… and said, “Of course we do, how about 100 bht?”. He smiled and joila! All is cool again.

      • That’s be great! Just remember here in Thailand bribery is affordable to the common man. (unlike some countries who shall remain nameless) Seriously we just had a Thai cop ask us, “Do you have something for me?” Uhh.. we had to think about that for a second… and said, “Of course we do, how about 100 bht?”. He smiled and joila! All is cool again.

  22. I wonder if Ham on Rye likes mustard? If so I wonder if he’s single.

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