The Old Man And The Sea*

*Bus

**I have to take a short hiatus, so I thought I’d leave you with a never before told inspirational story that will tug at your heart strings/make you see what an unselfish person I am.

.

Whenever I’m having a bad day, I find it helps to think about people who are worse off than I am. Sometimes I’ll think about poor people, or vegans, or even Justin Timberlake the time he got Punk’d.

But more often than not, I think about old wheelchair man.

.

Like this guy, only not in 3D version.

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Here’s what happened. A few months ago, I was walking home from work when I noticed an elderly man waiting at the bus stop. He was sitting in a wheelchair, reading the newspaper.

Because I pride myself on not having anything in common with old people, I turned my head the other way and kept walking.

Suddenly, a gust of wind came by, blowing the newspaper out of the old man’s hand. It landed on the ground in front of me.

Now normally I would have made some funny joke, maybe pointing to the bushes and telling him to smile because he was on Candid Camera. But since I know how it feels be disabled, I felt sorry for this man.

Few people know this about me, but I live with a horrific disfigurement that has caused me a lot of grief over the years. It’s called a “skin tag”. Even though I took a pair of scissors to it the moment I noticed its hideousness just below my groin area, I still have an unsightly .005 millimetre long scar. The doctors said that besides applying aloe vera to the affected area, there isn’t much I can do.

.

Because skin tag images are so visually disturbing, I decided to post a hilarious LOLCat instead.

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Thanks to this aesthetically-unpleasing monstrosity, I can no longer wear mini-skirts or  have sex with the lights on. It’s been hard, but having a life-coach helps.

Because I could feel this man’s pain, I knew I had to do something to help him. Mustering up my courage, I boldly walked up to him.

“You’re not alone,” I said.

I could tell by the expression on his wrinkly face that he was confused. I lifted up the hem of my skirt and placed my leg in his lap. “See?” I said. “I’m just like you.”

“Pardon me?” he said.

I forgot that because he was so old, he obviously had hearing problems as well. Thankfully, I still remembered how to sign the words to Bette Midler’s “The Rose”.

I pointed to my scar. Because I don’t know how to sign the words “skin tag”, I signed “Love it is a river” instead.

.

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He looked at the scar. Then he looked at me. It was a really special moment.

I was about to let him touch it when the bus came. “There’s your ride,” I said.

He said that it wasn’t his bus. That’s when I realized he was also suffering from dementia. Thinking fast, I grabbed the back of his wheelchair and pushed him on.

“Disabled man coming through!” I yelled. I told the pregnant lady she would have to move. I put him near the window, because I know old people like to stare at things. I grabbed a feeding blanket from the nearby stroller and used it to prop his bald head up.

“Try not to go up any steep hills,” I said to the bus driver, slipping him a loonie.

As the bus drove off, I noticed that the old man was pointing at something on the ground. I looked down and saw the newspaper.

I knew this was his way of thanking me. Even though I don’t read the paper, I appreciated the thought.  

As I walked home, I thought about what had just transpired. I realized that all of my pain and suffering over the years hasn’t been for nothing after all.

I only hope the old man made it to where ever he was going.

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Comments

  1. I love your style! “Poor people or vegans”-hilarious…

  2. Where are the Photoshopped ASL signs for The Rose? I’m disappointed. Also, what’s a “loonie?”

  3. I knew you had a soft side.

  4. I’m glad you’re taking a hiatus. Frankly, you’ve become to scarily funny and prolific to be allowed to roam the blogosphere spreading feelings of inadequacy among us lesser bloggers, who can scarcely be bothered to post once a week, much less crank out a solid punchline or two.

    With you safely out of the picture, we (and by “we,” I of course mean “I”) can go back to just sort of half-assing our way into some sort of early retirement. The playing field needs to be leveled again. Or slanted downhill. Something. But we (again, myself) cannot abide someone continually “raising the bar” or “setting the pace” or “injecting the steroids.” This isn’t some sort of race, for christsake. It’s a marathon. A marathon run by amputees and epileptics.

    Enjoy your hiatus. We’ll (me) do our best to make sure no sudden bursts of creative thinking happen while you’re away. In the meantime, I (I mean, “we”) may poach some of your best lines and cobble them together into some sort of Dada-esque tone poem full of high-quality LYFAO material.

    • Thanks CLT!

      I apologize for spreading my feelings of inadequacy (who knew they were contagious?) and injecting the steriods. I just didn’t want to be the only non-epileptic non-amputee who couldn’t make it past the first water station in the marathon. I mean, what would I tell my friends? That while physically I may look super fit and ridiculously well toned, on the inside I’m a ninety-five year old chain smoking alcoholic with high blood pressure and a bad attitude?

      Just like this wtf(?) reply, I doubt it would have gone over very well.

  5. “It’s called a “skin tag”. Even though I took a pair of scissors to it the moment ” OMG, I almost vomited a little from nausea

  6. I love the bad off as a vegan too! Can you imagine life w/o pizza and ice cream?

    i’ve personally choked a couple of skin tags before. Works too. I think though I’d prefer nail polish should i do it again. http://www.livestrong.com/article/115987-home-remedies-removing-skin-tags/

    • Thanks for this, Lisa! I’ve actually never had a skin tag before, but I did rip off a mole once.

      Now I want one, just so I can try this!

      (Did I just type that out loud?)

  7. Like your skin tag scar, the memory of that glorious day will be forever branded into the brain of that elderly man.

    • I hope you’re right. I only wish I knew where he lived, so I could periodically go over there and remind him.

      You know, because of the whole dementia and all.

  8. oh dear. this post prompted me to google images of skin tags. I’ve now discovered there is a health issue called BAD (benign anal diseases) . did I really need to know that?

  9. Beautifully mis-directive. Shouldn’t the title be “The Old Man and the Seat”?

    • ARRRGGHHHH!!

      Do you know how long I thought about that title for? At least half the length of an episode of The Office. And I still couldn’t come up with anything that had the word “sea” in it.
      Next time I’m just going to write “See Mikey For Title.”

  10. Beautiful post! No matter who you are, there’s always someone better off than you, and there’s always someone worse off than you–your story reminds me of this!

    Also–the bicycling cat is hilarious!

    • Yes, Scott! That’s exactly what I was trying to say.

      *sigh* I only wish more people could read between my extremely blurry and horribly disfigured lines. Maybe then, I wouldn’t have had to give up my dream of being a self-taught life coach. :)

  11. HAHAHAHAHAH. All I can say is WHAT THE FUCK???
    PS – I too suffer from skin tags. I have had one in MY ARMPIT since I was like 10. Even swipes from the razor when I’m shaving don’t do me any good, that ugly little fucker hangs in there. Recently I’ve developed one, albeit extraordinarily tiny, near the corner of my eye where I apply eyeliner.
    I’ve considered suicide as a preventative measure but sometimes think that might be a little too far. I’ll have to think it over.

    • I wouldn’t worry about the eye one, just tell people it’s an extra eyelid. As for the armpit, have you considered having your arm fused your rib cage?

      I just couldn’t handle the thought of you committing suicide. You’re way too entertaining to die.

  12. I just happen to be wearing a Skin Tag Awareness plastic rubber bracelet thingy at the moment! It’s flesh-colored with specks of brown and tan and a single hair after the “.com” in http://www.savethetags.com.

    Enjoy your hiatus. I’ll be waiting patiently by the computer awaiting your return.

    • HA!

      If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been told that I’m like the Lance Armstrong of skin tags, well let’s just say I wouldn’t have had to remove mine the “old fashioned way”.

  13. You’re like another Jesus, that has been bestowed upon our lands to spread good deeds and fellowship. But with a skin tag.

  14. You’re always so giving. And you always put others feelings ahead of your own. First by helping the wheelchair man and then by not posting the skin tag pic. Thank you.

    • Thanks, Thoughtsappear. Really, it’s the least I could do.

      And my friends will attest to the fact that I’m all about doing as little as possible.

  15. I’ll be damned! The same thing happened to me when I was but a wee lad. I walked by an old fart just as he dropped his paper. I noticed a bit of doggy poo laying close by, and used the paper to pick and wrap it up. I gave the paper back to the old man, saying, “Thanks. Not too many people will stop to pick up doggy poo.”

    He started screaming incomprehensible things at me. I looked around, but all the poo was gone. So I just shrugged my shoulders and went on my merry way.

  16. 1. wasn’t that soooooooo sad when JT got punked? seriously.

  17. um, i don’t know what happened there, but i didn’t mean to submit that only after point 1.

    2. you’re hilarious and i can’t wait for my neil post.

    3. i’m sorry for your loss, and your disfigurement. that is a bitch.

    4. your kindness and understanding also transcends all logic.

    amen.

    • 1. I know, right? I wanted to start a fund or something.
      2. I can’t wait to finish writing it for you! Trust me when I say it will be worth the wait. (Don’t quote me on that.)
      3. It really is. Thank God I have a life coach.
      4. It really does. If anyone understands, I know it’s you.

      Namaste.(Or is it Nameste? Namesta?)

  18. That may have been my grandfather. He’s been missing for a few months.

  19. I think this qualifies you for sainthood. I mean, if they let people who can’t wear miniskirts be saints.

  20. I understand the bre4ak but don’t be gone to long

  21. How kind you were, b, to send that man on the bus adventure of a lifetime!

    Hope all is well!

  22. “slipping him a loonie.” WtheFisT? Hmm, I don’t know this man, never been in that city, don’t catch public or pubic transport…..sorry missy you have the wrong person!!!!!

    Blahahahahahahaha “slipping him a loonie” my ass!!!!!

  23. Was happy when JT got punkd…his claim to fame is his two great videos on you tube……mother lover and junk in a box……dont know what a skin tag is…??? but you are a humanitarian always there to help someone……thats why we all love your blog……zman sends

  24. I hope your hiatus is enjoyable and brief. Your blog is the only thing keeping me from throwing myself down the stairs. My half empty glass is now broken. I threw it down the stairs and I’m next. I hope I cut myself real bad. That’s the only way I’ll ever learn. DON”T GET TOO ATTACHED TO FUNNY BLOGGER LADIES.

    ♥ :)

    • Thanks David! Please don’t throw yourself down the stairs, I need your blog/hilarious FB comments/photos to keep me entertained. Now, more than ever.

      Otherwise, I’ll just be sitting at home twiddling my thumbs, cursing myself for taking a hiatus.:)

  25. Sea Man.

    Get it?

    Hahah…

    See Man.

  26. RebeccaLK says:

    Omg…this post was awesome….cause I was visualizing the entire thing. Good stuff.

  27. I feel for your skin tag. I have a botched circumcision that has left me with one of those. It’s about .005 millimeter, it’s on the bottom, but I still notice it. No way am I gonna take a pair of scissors to that, though. Not that I’m afraid of cutting things in that area, I just don’t trust myself to be competent enough not to remove something I might need later on in life. You’ve got guts, my friend.

    And it was nice of you to overlook your disability and help the old man. Most people wouldn’t do that. Like the time my wife gave a homeless guy a sandwich when she was pregnant and he told her if she didn’t give him money her child was going to be deformed.

    Glad Noa found you. Now I found you, too. Watch out.

    • Thanks for your concern, Shane. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a rough life. But my family and the lyrics of various Mariah Carey songs help keep me in check.

      I wonder if this homeless guy that told your wife that was the same one who yelled “Nice nipples!” at me when I told him I didn’t have change. Since I was wearing a parka at the time, I can’t help but think he was being sarcastic.

  28. OH MY GOD.

    Your hilarity makes using God’s name in vain worth it.

    But I’m still blaming you if he uses that against me on Judgment Day.

    I got here from Oh Noa and I’m glad I did. (:

    • Thanks, LDML. Unfortunately you won’t be able to blame me on Judgment Day, only because I plan to be raptured in a few hours*. But I’ll give you a list of people you can blame instead.

      (*Er, pretend I wrote this yesterday.)

  29. DAMN IT. YOU NEED TO HAVE A FOLLOW BUTTON. ):

  30. A very touching story. I’m sure the old bloke was very grateful

  31. I just discovered you through Noa and indirectly through Elizabeth at Flourish in Progress. I am laughing so hard I peed my pants. Of course, I’m in my forties and have had 3 kids so I pee my pants anyway, but I mean it as a compliment.

    Like you, I have a real connection with the old folks as I used to work in a Nursing Home. Like that time Mr. Nussbaum asked me if I wanted to see what he could do with his tongue once he took out his teeth? Something to bring me pleasure? He was so cute…always thinking of me.

    I love your compassion. I’ll be back.

  32. HAHAHA this is amazing,
    I just discovered your site and I was all “wow this is hilarious” then I got to the part about the loonie and I was all “OOOHH no wonder! Canadians are 21% more awesome than Americans, usually. Even if you adjust for Justin Beiber”

  33. Sent by Noa. I can tell I am going to love this blog. I am so glad to know that someone out there has such a deeply giving side. It brings tears to my blackened lawyer heart.

  34. Oh. Wow. This was so beautiful. Wow…

  35. B-but, why are you going on a short hiatus? I hope it’s not so you can do more on Facebook and Twitter. Maybe you got raptured yesterday, since you are clearly such a good-hearted person, but probably not. They screwed up that apocalypse too. Dang bible thumping chowderheads. B-but I digress. You see I’m stammering now, all worried about your hiatus. Are you going in for surgery on that groinal deformity? If so I think you should consider getting another tattoo.

    This post was extra hilarious and wide ranging in its satire of the many comical aspects of decrepitude. I saw on the TV the other day that a ‘lifestyle’ of total inactivity isn’t really a lifestyle at all, but more like a ‘deathstyle’ , to coin a phrase. Well, maybe not a phrase, just a word. Anyway, I hope your hiatus is fun and profitable. Thank you for blogging!

    • BTW the old dude in the wheelchair is a dead ringer for Sean Connery. Not that he would ever wear a sweater like that or be in a wheelchair …

  36. I hope you at least remembered to deflate his tyres to stop him rolling about on the bus.

    Safety first you know.

  37. Is it bad that I was actually waiting for something bad to happen?

    But this is truly inspiring.

    • Thanks, Kathy. Like I always say, if I’m not inspiring, I’m not living.

      (The only exception being Monday nights, when I’m too busy watching “The Bachelor”.)

Trackbacks

  1. […] feature. Eric Kleptone (there’s actually not three of him) is just that fucking good. Plus, bschooled is taking a hiatus and we all know how much she loves her some “brother/sister” bluesy two-piece rock […]

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