Whoever said you can’t find love online obviously needs to lower their standards.

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A compendium of correspondence from those whom I have loved and lost. (But mostly just lost.)


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And Finally….A Fairytale Ending

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When Zenobia added me as a friend on MSN a few months ago, naturally I was suspicious. I was like, “Who’s Zenobia? And why is she so lopsided?”

But no matter how many times I declined her requests (seven), she was persistent.  Eventually I gave in, and…well, the rest is history.

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Comments

  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system. Fuckyeahfunny, Bea. Good, good stuff. Keep it coming, but quit hating on the rockabillies. For realz, yo.

  2. Do you think Johno Carter will contact you? That sounds promising <3!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  3. Love is ephemeral, but cash is eternal has always been my motto. I think it’s wise to hold out for a guy who has his own country. Preferably an island one with palm trees and white sand beaches. Not that I’m picky or anything.

  4. loool!!! Thank you so much for the chuckles this morning :)

  5. you’re. kidding. me. hilarious.

    Seriously wtf. I know you didn’t say anything about bologna.

    And ray? really?

    gosh i miss singling and mingling.

    • Why does seeing the word “bologna” always make me feel so dirty?

      B, the best part about this group is that you don’t even have to be single! You just need to be well-financed. And simple.

  6. Leanne Moffat says:

    I think ‘devil meows at the moon’ will be my next tattoo. Kinda feel bad for Zenobia. She seems lonely…

    • Ha! I know, I felt bad for her too, especially when I saw her latest picture. She’s lying on her back, legs wide apart, wearing nothing but a strategically-placed hand and a smile.
      But if you look up close (I’m talking magnifying glass close) you can see that the behind that smile is a kind of sadness.

      *Warning- I suggest you don’t try looking too close behind the hand.

  7. oh dear god. these people are insane!

    Fresh Out of Gold Stars

  8. You had a narrow escape with Mario there. A man with a tooth that sweet might have put you in his coffee.

  9. I love the fact that the guy who can’t get a date or even a one night stand still holds out for standards.

  10. would you share one of those morbidly obese rockabillies with me?

  11. I know the man from Kenya is going to ask you for at least 1000 dollars to help him and his son get back to the United States. I fell for that a while back and the sex wasn’t even that rewarding.

    • Vodka! I should have known that if anyone would come in the thirteenth hour (one hour late) to warn me of the dangers of paying for unrewarding sex with Kenyan men, it would be you.

      I wonder if we were penalized by the same guy? And if so, does that make us sisters? (Sadly, I’m only familiar with the Nigerian rules.)

  12. Zenobia obviously doesn’t appreciate your sense of humor. My seventh grade English teacher was named Zenobia. She was white and had very small boobs, so I’m pretty sure your Zenobia and my former teacher aren’t the same person.
    You have so much more fun on Facebook than I do. My friends are desperate enough, I suppose.

    • Ha!

      Well, since my Zenobia’s boobs look 100% natural, I’m assuming that your teacher was either a) a man, or b) a man.

      Look on the bright side, Amy. At least you can actually call your FB friends “friends”.

  13. I want to own you like Rockabillies own duck tails. Let’s buy a country together.

  14. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I set up a mutual ‘wank alert’ on thankyourwank.com and got a hit!!! That Weiner dude!! I’m in the database…yeehaw!!!!!!!!!

  15. That little gato *killed* me. Seriously, I’m dead now.

  16. Damn, I need to find myself a boobalicious airhead lesbian to entertain me. Priceless!

    • Be careful what you wish for. They’re really high maintenance. Also, they don’t remember sh*t. Just an hour ago, Zenobia asked me for the eleventeenth million time if I had a camera fetish.

  17. Post more often! More. I love your header so much.

    • Thanks, Kathy! It only took me three hundred hours and OCD to make it! If you want, I have a few back-up headers. They’re the exact same, only instead of white they come in cream, linen, off-white, eggshell, pearl, vanilla and ivory. Oh, and let’s not even start with the beige hues!

      ps. I would post more often, but as you can probably guess, most of my time is spent perfecting my header.

      pps. I wish I was kidding.

  18. I think I found John’s virginity. he can have it back.

  19. Mario is my fave. What a sweetie.

  20. Well, if you add meeee you won’t get porn pictures and no shagging or full frontal nudity. I promise!

  21. I have country that is my own. It’s got country stuff. I fly your to my country this immediately for please? Also, I like the nudity and frontal picktures. You sugar momma mine be for fly to country? Let us talk on the webcam. Please for the just verify you 18 years age and we chat hun!

    *Cue cheesy porn music with hip rolls and scrunched up face*

    • You had me at “country that is my own”.

      Don’t worry, we can figure out the other stuff when I get there. For now, our love an you having a country is enough.

      ps. There better be a beach in your country. Just sayin’.

  22. Horny perverts NEVER get old. I find them on Omegle all the time. Also, maybe it’s just chance, but most of the mysterious invites I get on MSN are from French girls.

    Which sucks, because I would totally have accepted their invite to sexy webcam IF I knew how to phrase that in French.

  23. Uhhh…what’s negative attraction?

    • It’s that thing that happens when you go out to see your friends’ band play and you tell yourself you aren’t going to drink but then some Scottish guy won’t stop buying you shots so of course you drink them because they’re free and the next thing you remember is waking up the next morning in a strange bed wearing nothing but a strategically-placed haggis.

      At least that’s what I think it is…

  24. Funny stuff. I do have one question, though.

    What the fuck kind of a name is Zenobia?

  25. It took awhile to decipher Ray’s sophisitcated code, but after I did I learned that he has 42 bidets and is going to have sex with himself. I think you dodged a bullet there.

    You remain a virtuoso of trolling and I would even make you a sandwich for this.

    • 42??? In this day and age, who has time for more than 27 bidets? What a freak.

      Thanks for the thought, E. To tell you the truth, I already made you a sandwich a long time ago. (And I even added extra bologna!)

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