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While cleaning out my inbox recently, I came across the following collection of email exchanges between myself and a former co-worker.
*Because my co-worker is a now highly-respected department manager, I’ve changed his name to protect his privacy.
**FYI-Normally I am not this crass/trashy-sounding. It’s just that certain people tend to bring out the worst in me. Like co-workers. And authority figures. And pretty much all of my family members.
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—–Original Message—–
From: Not Mike
Date: Thurs 16 June
To: Becky
Subject: Ethical Dilemma
Hypothetically speaking.
If you were reviewing invoices for subscriptions that the company has paid for and you notice several large amounts for adult magazines, would you say nothing and keep everyone thinking you are highly morale, or would you explain how you know this at the risk of looking like a total perv?
What would you do?
What would YOU do?
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From: Becky
Date: Thursday 16 June
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Ethical Dilemma
First of all, no one would believe you are highly “morale”. That isn’t even a grammatically correct term.
Second of all, which magazine is it exactly? Hustler? Donkey Punch Monthly?
I need specifics.
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From: Not Mike
Date: Thurs 16 June
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Ethical Dilemma
These are the ones that keep the gas station attendants busy on those cold lonely nights when no customers come in to fill up.
I wonder if we get employee discount pricing? A friend of mine wants to know.
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From: Becky
Date: Thurs 16 June
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ethically Speaking
Okay, so here’s what you need to do. Walk straight into your Manager’s office and say this:
“Hey (insert bosses name here), how’s tricks? So anyway, I know this is none of my business, but being an avid reader of “Fannies of Trannies” and the #1 Homosexual-Preferred “Leave It, It’s Beaver!” myself, I just happened to notice…”
I’m sure you can take it from there.
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From: Not Mike
Date: Thurs 16 June
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ethically Speaking
I was thinking more along the lines of: “I went for dinner last night and had a wonderful piece of Boston cream pie for dessert. Speaking of cream pie…”
Wish me luck. I’m off to get someone fired and score some free magazines (for a friend) while I’m at it.
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From: Becky
Date: Thurs 16 June
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Ethically Speaking
Good luck.
I have a feeling this will be the closest that your “friend” ever gets to a real areola.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
—–Original Message—–
From: Not Mike
Date: Fri 17 April
To: Becky
Subject: Mating Rituals of the Animal Kingdom
Have you ever been to the zoo or seen those documentaries that show primates grooming themselves and each other?
I was at the post office earlier, and as I was waiting in line I noticed a bunch of people standing on the c-train platform. One “person” (M/F?) was compusively picking its hair, head cocked to one side.
Just before the train came the he/she turned around and I recognized them.
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From: Becky
Date: Fri 17 April
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Mating Rituals of the Animal Kingdom
Ha! Those mirrors will get you every time.
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From: Not Mike
Date: Fri 17 April
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Mating Rituals of the Animal Kingdom
It was you, Coco! You’re just too embarrassed to admit that you are obsessive compulsive….obselsive.
And you have lice.
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From: Becky
Date: Fri 17 April
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mating Rituals of the Animal Kingdom
At least I’m not “obgrossive”.
Speaking of obgrossive, I heard you made a list of people you want to have lunch with before you leave. Not to be rude, but isn’t that like an STD making a list of people it wants to infect? Don’t take it personally if no one shows up. I’m sure they’re all just really…er, busy. You know how crazy it’s been around here lately with this recession and stuff.
I just don’t want you to be disappointed when your emails to go unanswered. I’m a good friend that way.
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From: Becky
Date: Friday 17 April
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Mating Rituals of the Animal Kingdom
I think it’s more than a coincidence that your name and STD always appear in the same email.
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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—–Original Message—–
From: Not Mike
Date: Tues 19 May
To: Becky
Subject: TAPP
By the time you read this email I will be gone. It is not safe for me here anymore. I have been placed in the Tax Accountant Protection Program (TAPP) and secretly relocated to an undisclosed Organization. All known signs of my existence here have been erased, except for stains on the chair which are virtually untraceable (unless DNA testing is involved).
I will contact you when it is safe. Or when I am drunk, whichever comes first. The call will be preceded by a series of verification tones in the form of heavy breathing, grunting and groaning, followed by my program name and identifier, aka. “yourass”.
So if a man calls you using the code “TAPP your ass”, it’s me.
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From: Becky
Date: Tues 19 May
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: TAPP
Thank-you for the heads up. Unfortunately, because it will be you calling to TAPP my ass, it will be impossible for me to have the desire to answer the phone.
ps. Because I’m such a giving person, I made you a going away gift.
.
It’s probably a little off, I drew it from memory. I’m sure you’ve probably aged since breakfast.
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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—–Original Message—–
From: Not Mike
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Becky
Subject: Losing my cookies
I was in the shower in the gym this morning minding my own business. I come out to grab my towel and as I try to turn the corner, right in front of me is a guy, naked, bent over , tea bag completely in full view.
I go to my locker and there is another naked guy standing in front of the mirror, preening himself. He was doing the same thing when I went to the shower.
How long should a guy spend in front of a mirror, anyway ?
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From: Becky
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Losing my cookies
Wow, I didn’t realize you knew what a mirror was.
I always just assumed you thought it was the “Fugly Monster” dressed in your flood pants and plaid shirts.
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From: Not Mike
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
I haven’t seen the fugly monster since my last day at xxxxxx, coincidently the same time you walked into my office.
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From: Becky
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
Good one, Mom.
Now make yourself useful and go donate your organs or something. Thanks to your emails I need to scan my computer for viruses.
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From: Not Mike
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
You call your vagina a computer?
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From: Not Mike
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
No. I only call your vagina a computer.
A Vic 20, to be precise.
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From: Not Mike
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
And I refer to yours as the “Chunnel.”
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From: Becky
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
At least I’m actually supposed to have one.
ps. I don’t know if I told you this but I’m writing a book. It’s called “Sh*t My Former Co- Worker Who Looks Old Enough to Be My Dad Says.”
On an unrelated note, do you think you could send me a list of sh*t you say? No reason.
pps. Did you get me a job yet?
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From: Not Mike
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
The following are the responses received re: my inquiry for a job for you:
-So you can teach a monkey to type!
-I understand we’re an affirmative action employer, but we already have enough lesbians on staff.
-Take it out of your mouth for a minute so I can understand what you are asking…
-You’ve told me what she won’t do, but what WILL she do?
-I checked her Facebook page, and you aren’t listed as her friend
-I can’t sell upskirt pics that look like a chia pet.
-Is that a pre or post op pic?
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From: Becky
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
Sadly, this may be the funniest email I’ve ever received from you. Yet still my computer considered it to be junk, which is why I didn’t see it until today.
Anyway, if you wouldn’t mind passing on the following responses to the above responses, I’d really appreciate it. Kthx.
1) So you can teach a monkey to type!
Who said anything about typing?
2) I understand we are an affirmative action employer, but we already have enough lesbians on staff.
I know where you’re going with this, but technically Mike isn’t a lesbian. The correct term is “Overly-Effeminate Hermaphrodite.”
3) Take it out of your mouth for a minute so I can understand what you’re saying.
Sorry to interrupt, but that would be like telling Charo to “take out her accent.”
4) You’ve told me what she won’t do, but what WILL she do?
Pretty much the same as Mike. (Only I don’t swallow.)
5) I checked her Facebook page, and you aren’t listed as her friend.
Mike? Friends? Is this a trick question?
6) I can’t sell upskirt pics that look like a chia pet.
Sorry, I don’t speak geriatric.
7) Is that a pre or post op pic?
You’ll have to ask him yourself. But personally, I can’t see the difference.
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From: Not Mike
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Becky
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
Nice to see hotmail is recognizing my junk, most likely due to it being oversized for your box.
I’ll let you get back to your other battery operated device now, or did you graduate to the sybian?
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From: Becky
Date: Wed 6 August
To: Not Mike
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Losing my cookies
Sorry, you lost me at your junk.
.
.
Just Making Convo 
Dying to have a conversation that includes ‘obselsive’ and ‘obgrossive’
Just make sure you have it with the right person, NM.
Otherwise it can get messy.
Normally I am not this crass/trashy-sounding.
So, normally more so?
This is hilarious and makes me wish I had a job that allowed me unfettered (without ferrets?) access to an office email system. The potential is limitless, especially if you’re willing to spend a lot of your downtime updating your resume and answering questions from HR personnel. It’s really a shame that so little office communication revolves around useful subjects like porn and STDs.
Also this: Not Mike looks like what I imagine Glen Danzig will look at age 70, which would make the posted picture actual size.
(I’m sorry I used the word “hilarious.” I couldn’t think of one that hadn’t been overused. I know I hate it when people say something is “hilarious” but you don’t actually hear them laughed. I laughed, though. Sincerely. At several points in this extended exchange, I climbed right the fuck up into the ROFLcopter and took it for a spin.)
Also this: let us know when http://www.27bslash6.com/ abdicates his throne to you so I can be the first person in here to tell everybody else who “knew you when” that I “knew you when.”
Ha! I can’t fool you, CLT. You’ve read me at my worst (…or, should I say, awesomest!)
*cough*
Er, anyway, I had to look up Glen Danzing because I’m, well oblivious. He’s as tall as I am! He’s like one of those Manbabies (They actually have a website because apparently these days you can never take a joke too far- http://manbabies.com/content/691 )
Thanks for the props, CLT. And trust me, you could never overuse the word hilarious. Coming from your avatar, it never gets old.
Seriously…are we related some how? I have these conversations with Coworkers every day! Fucking funny!! And now that almost everyone has a Blackberry Work doesn’t even get to check the emails for Grammer and Spelling!… Double WIN!
And maybe you could tell ‘Not Mike’ to please for the love of God stop stealing my period panties?
I would, but I think he wears them on casual Fridays. (Only because he hates how the crotchless ones “don’t ride up”.)
If you hadn’t put up his picture I would have assumed this was some kind of pre-mating ritual. I’m worried about him mentioning primates. You’d better warn him not to make a pass at a gorilla.
Don’t worry, GB. Your virginity is intact with me. (I’ll tell him you’re one of those Gorillas who’s saving themself for mating season.)
My favorite line “Leave It, It’s Beaver”
Doesn’t any IT guy snoop through corporate email anymore to see how it is being misused?
That was my favorite line too Bearman. I also loved the Chunnel comparison (referencing a vag)…hehe.
No. That’s another thing I miss about being at that company. If “Not Mike” wasn’t around, IT guy was my back-up email friend.
Mine was “Fannies of Trannies” This B Schooled gal is seriously troubled. :-) Btw, wasn’t that her making out with that guy in the midst of the Vancouver riots the other day?
One of the disadvantages if being self-employed is that the only co-worker I could send e-mails to is myself. Sometimes I forget which e-mail account I send it to and by the time I remember, the e-mail comes from funny to offensive. I end up filing harassment lawsuits against myself.
I can see why that would be a problem.
Have you ever thought of blocking your email address? Or asking law enforcement to go to your house and talk to you? I’ve always found that nothing scares me more than when law enforcers warn me to leave myself alone.
OMG I miss having conversations like this with my coworkers… actually, having conversations like this is how I ended up with Justin. Only we didn’t email, we’d IM. I love a man that can talk shit and loves to talk about his junk and my box. Now I’m actually dating him so it’s no fun AND I work by myself now, in an office alone. Well, except for my dad, he works here too. How fucking sad is that?
Oh and my dog is here, but he just fucking sleeps and farts and never talks about anything funny. Fuck him.
Sounds to me like you need to start random texting strangers… that is what I do when I am board… just select a number and wait for someone to message back with something funny…then BLAM… You have a new relationship brewing…
Your welcome.
or maybe I should just start consulting a fucking dictionary… BORED not Board… Because when I am Board…its a really great game… When I am Bored I random text…get it, got it, good!
It may start out being funny texts, but it ends up being nasty STDs and a bastard child. .
Or, so I’ve heard.
Fuck him, indeed!
ps. I’m not kidding, had you not written the word dog, I would have sworn you were talking about one of my other old co-workers. He was like a six foot two narcoleptic anus.
Upskirt? Whoa whoa whoa, hold on a dang minute. Crossed the line, gramps. Crossed. the. line.
I know, right?
Dr. Quinn called, she wants her vocabulary back.
(…?)
Amazing. I laughed so loud at my desk they will never believe it is coughing.
How did you get to stop being a corporate drone?
OK, so at my wife’s work they were moving offices. Everyone has these drawer cabinets on rollers so that when they escort you out of the building they can just bring your drawer cabinet with you (I guess). So the people doing the moving messed up the drawers, and someone got one of her co-worker’s (a woman) drawer by mistake.
FULL OF PORN. And a vibrator.
She also had business cards in there, so everyone knew who it was, probably before she got the call. They were really discreet about it, though. She didn’t get fired. She did have some smart-ass temp mover guy take the drawer to her and then pull out the vibrator in front of everybody and ask her if this was her “face massager.”
Wish I could have been there.
I love these kind of email exchanges. When it gets to answering the redundant questions in a alternate color, you know it has gone completely off of the track.
http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com
Oh, that’s vicious! If you made it up, you’re a genius–if you didn’t make it up, well you’re still a genius!
His first question sounds like one from “The Book of Questions: Love and Sex”, although it isn’t!
And the homosexual porn-mag, “Leave It, It’s Beaver”–that’s absolutely hilarious!
Reminds me of this very old joke:
What does Mrs. Cleaver say to Mr. Cleaver when it’s that time of the month?
“Ward, haven’t you been a little hard on the beaver lately?”
Best email conversations ever.
When I first read this when it came out I knew Mike must be real. Writing is therapeutic!