Misanthropic Pick-Up Lines

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.-Beautiful night…care to go for a stroll? Ok, great…just turn around and keep going until you see the nearest exit sign.

-You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me wish you’d get lost.

-Come here often? If so, please stop.

-If I was in charge of the alphabet, I’d put “U” wherever “I” wasn’t.

-You know what would look great on you? Nothing.

-I’d buy you a drink, but I hate you.

-Is it hot in here or do I just hate you?

-What has two thumbs and hates you? This guy.

-Are you a parking ticket? Either way, I hate you.

-You must be from Jamaica, because Jamaican me hate you.

-If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McIhateyou.

-Did you spray your jeans with Windex? Only because it seems like something a person I hate would do.

-Are those space pants? No? Well anyway, I hate you.

-If I said you had a beautiful body, would you understand that it’s code for “I hate you”?

-So, what do you do for a living? Besides be hated by me?

-If hating you was an Olympic sport, I’d win the gold medal for sure.

-See my friend over there? Just kidding, I don’t have friends. Ps. I hate you.

-Yes, as a matter of fact that is a pistol in my pocket…

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Comments

  1. Wait, remind me again… Are you single? I just don’t get it!
    Favorite: If you were a burger at McDonald’s you’d be the McIhateyou.

  2. Rich Crete says:

    “What do you do for a living?…” Holy crap! I’m crying over here.

    • I spent 2 hours on that one and I’m still not sure if it’s grammatically correct?

      Which I guess would explain why employers are always questioning my productivity level…

  3. It’s so nice to finally have all of these in one place for future reference.

  4. Printed, folded and placed in my pocket for when I go out again… if I ever go out again.

    • I know what you mean.

      Getting ready, standing in line for two hours outside some overcrowded bar, being hassled by the bouncer who says I can’t go in wearing Hello Kitty nipple tassels and matching velcro runners…Really, it’s not worth the stress.

  5. Thank God I’m married and am past having to deal with pick up lines. We are the oral sex stage of marriage where we pass each other in the hallway and say ‘fuck you’. It’s a lot less trouble than hating random strangers at bars.

  6. Golly. We should go out sometime. We could take turns being each other’s wing man. I bet you anything we’d get lucky in very short order. If not then we could tell our drunken new friends what “misanthropic” means. If they don’t like that we could discuss misogyny. Whatever. It’d be cool as shit.

    • Count me in! But first we need to have a secret code word, just so we know when to step in.

      For instance, let’s say I’m macking on some dude and it looks like we’re totally hitting it off. But then out of the blue, you hear me say the word “Misorgy.” Or “Misorigami”. Or “Misgynecologist”, even.

      If that happens, you’ll know that I’m totally wasted and need to GTFO before I do something I’ll regret.

  7. You Jamaica me crazy with your funny shit.

  8. Yo, Red. You appear to be possessed. Are you Demian’s babysitter? (and, to the other two ladies) By the way, Phil Collins is my older brother.

  9. The whole “Who Has Two Thumbs…” blah blah blah annoys me so much I see the devil behind my eyes. That saying needs to slide under a couch and go away forever.

    I am, however, going to use “Are those space pants? No? Well anyway, I hate you” pretty much every day now.

    • Question- Who has two thumbs and thinks guys who use lines starting with “Who has two thumbs” lack basic social-skills?

      Answer-This guy! (You can’t see me, but I’m pointing my thumbs at myself.)

  10. “You know what would look great on you? Nothing.” <—- are we sure this isn't a real pick up line? I mean, personally? I strive for looking good with nothing on.

    • Good point! That didn’t even occur to me, probably because I prefer to see the glass as half empty…the other half being liquid arsenic.

      Maybe I should change it to this:
      *punches in face* You know what would look great on you?
      *kicks in groin* Nothing.

  11. I have used the “Is it hot in here”, the “Jamaican”, and the “McDonald’s” lines as well as the “I forgot my number – I hate you.” lines. I still can’t get into a hottie’s pants.

  12. To which I add:
    You’re so hot, you may be responsible for global warming …but I still hate you!

  13. Also makes me feel glad I’m married. Although it does make me think Hubby and I should go on a date, just so we can throw these lines back and forth to each other for a laugh.

  14. That is the new school approach to hitting on women where you slam them and make them feel bad in the hopes that you gain the upper hand. It’s called “negging,” and it’s what guys do who can’t just be themselves because their actual personalities suck the butt.

  15. Thanks for the stroll down memory lane when I was single and had my pick of the litter. In some cases, literally. I have a sudden urge for an alcoholic beverage…or three. ;-)

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