Once, when I was a child, my Aunt Agnes showed up at our house for a surprise visit. The fact that nobody in our family knew an Aunt named Agnes even existed was what made it such a surprise.
She came bearing gifts; a few choice words for my mother, a tongue kiss for my father, and for me, a large coffee tin with a slit in the top.
“This is a piggy bank,” she said. “Whenever you have a coin, I want you to put it in here. If it’s full by the time I return, I will give you a shiny new quarter.”
Even at a young age I found her comment odd. If the piggy bank was full, what would I need a stupid quarter for?
But given that she left in the middle of the night–along with our portable television set and and my mothers’ favorite mink stole–never to return again, it ended up being a moot point anyway.
It is because of my Aunt Agnes–and others like her– that I’ve created the “Thanks For Coming Out Award.” It’s a way of recognizing those who-while not necessarily with anything of value and/or relevance to contribute-still bother to “come out”.
The best part about this award is that you don’t even have to enter! Just keep making those baffling/condescending/unrelated comments, and I’ll eventually find you!
The other best part about this award is the prizes, which are as follows:
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1ST PRIZE
Limited Edition Latex Jazz Hands Plaque (30% more sanitary than regular skin-covered Jazz Hands)
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2ND PRIZE
“Charo Is My Safeword”
-An original signed and framed masterpiece, first exhibited on my desktop in May 2011.
Sugg. Ret. Value- You can’t put a price on magic. (But if you’d like to try, contact me at bschooled@hotmail.com and we’ll work something out.)
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3RD PRIZE
An autographed photo from this guy.
Now, let’s meet our contestants, shall we?
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Contestant #1
Name: Brutal Honesty Is My Sin
Found: Tumblr
Interests: Being brutally honest, Calling the kettle black, “The world may never know.”
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Contestant #2
Name: Tess Taylor
Found: Don’t Ask (And no, it’s not because I looked her up after getting hooked on her stupid reality show when I was in Nicaragua because it was too hot to sleep and it was the only English program that was on at two in the morning…though I could understand why someone might think that.)
Interests: Mexican Sushi, Canadian Geisha, Pointing out things that don’t make sense, Reality TV (Or, so I’ve heard, anyway)
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**Update- Contestant #2 has been replaced. (See bottom of post)
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Contestant #3
Name: Minada
Found: “I Hate Dumb People” FB Group
Interests: Smart Jocks, Dumb friends getting smart jocks, Living a punctuation-free lifestyle
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Contestant #4
.Name: Irene
Found: General Hospital Fan Page
Interests: Stating the obvious, Being told something, Caps lock
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Contestant #5
Name: Kids Say The Darndest Things
Found: See Above
Interests: Overshare, TMI, Raising children who will eventually end up filing for legal emancipation
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Contestant #6
Name: Maryam
Found: “I Love the Jonas Brothers” FB page
Interests: What are interests?
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Contestant #7 (Final)
Name: Milfs
Found: “Milfs” FB group
Interests: Freeloading, Outdated slang terms, The Law of Attraction
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**Edit- Turns out we have one last contestant.
Final Final Contestant
Name: Bschooled
Found: Here
Interests: Thinking way too far outside the box, Being oblivious to where Uggs are manufactured, Ridiculously shiny hair
I just received the following comment:
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**To be fair, at the time I was thinking in terms of actual “styles of dance” and as far as I know none of my Aussie friends are all that co-ordinated. (I mean that in a good way.)
But after reading Kokopuff’s enlightening comment (thank-you, Kokopuff), I realize that I was indeed wrong, and could very well win second place behind Irene. (Fingers crossed!)
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Just Making Convo 
#7 is my favorite because your clever use of misspellings made you appear SO legit that that girl will spend the next year telling her friends that a boner is a ferret, and then she will get a ferret and name it boner, and then her mother will find out and smack her, and then she’ll cry and blame it on you, but by then your comments will be so far down the wall that “mom” won’t be able to find them, so then she’ll start to think the girl heard it from dad, grow suspicious, divorce him, and end up bitter and alone with her halfwit daughter. HILARIOUS!
Not only have I created a domino effect (and I don’t even PLAY dominoes!), I’ve given women everywhere a legit reason to divorce their husbands for using lowbrow slang terms!
2pac 4-Eva! (I know this has nothing to do with my comment, I’ve just always wanted to say that.)
Screw “hello.” “SOMEBODY GONNA TELL ME SOMETHING” is the future of phone answering.
Confirmed when Lionel Richie reveals his new song:
“SOMEBODY GONNA TELL ME SOMETHING, is it me you’re looking for?”
I like pizza! Is so good to taste. Eats all the time.
Pizza is like disc-shaped, cheese-veiled enlightenment for the unrelated-commenter’s soul.
(I have no idea what that means, btw)
I absolutely must have the Limited Edition Latex Jazz Hands Plaque!! But I just don’t know how I could win with such excellent entries as above. I feel that this is an injustice. Now I must go cry in my cornflakes.
Also . . . just wondering, but do you “like” every single facebook page ever created? I only have like 100 “friends” and can’t keep up with all their bullshit (well, besides the fact that I just don’t care), so I’m just uber-impressed if you are actually able to follow all this crap and mine for this comic gold. Especially if the internet is riding a burro. Consider me mad impressed with your mad skillz. Maybe you need a plaque as well? Damn, if only I had some jazz hands on hand. See the injustice now? Thought so.
This is your lucky day! I just happen to keep a large stash of latex jazz hands in my basement. (Only because I’m very hygiene-conscious and you never know when you’re going to need jazz hands.)
To be honest, most of these are from back when I was going through an insomnia phase and didn’t have enough brain power to do anything productive. I find that sleep really hinders my ability to internet troll.
Those Facebook/ Tumblr sites must be loaded with carrots cos that damn’ donkey manages to get there often enough! Too often, perhaps.
Er, is this an entry for the contest, by chance? Because if so, I’m supposed to find you.
From now on I will only have 2 answers for anyone asking me a question:
“The world may never know.”
and
“SOMEBODY GONNA TELL ME SOMETHING”
Ha! I’ve already used “The world may never know” twice today….and I wasn’t even talking to anybody!
Wait…what?
I vote for contestant #3. And I want 2nd prize – frame included right?
For you, NM, the frame is ALWAYS included.
“SOMEBODY GONNA TELL ME SOMETHING!” is pretty awesome!
I do wonder how you find these pages though! I would have never thought to check out the Milf page. I would bet that there are other postings that could compete with this one still waiting to be found.
It’s just one of the (two) advantages of having my 15 year-old cousins as FB friends. I just log in, go to their page, and voila! Milfs and boners galore!
The other advantage is being able to live vicariously through their infinite relationship status updates.
So, I just smoked a TON of not cigarettes,and I may be really out of it, but that story you wrote up top was like, amazing. I don’t know, it was just…so well written that I thought maybe it was a published book.
…And yes, I realize this is the most random comment in the history of ever. But I felt compelled to compliment your writing.
{Ok I just re-read your post and I now realize the story is like 3 paragraphs. But I still think it’s awesome}
HA! This could very well be the most hilarious random comment I’ve ever received in the history of ever.
Suffice to say, if those 3 paragraphs ever do become a book, I’ll be dedicating it to “Just Me”.
OMG. I thought I was the only one who uses “Charo” as a safe word. Small fucking world.
Twinsies? I think so.
Just imagine how crazy things are going to get when we move into our senior’s pad!
Contestant no.3 please!! I made a picture, you can have it
:D
So, thanks to my Mexican internet, it only took me a week to be able to see this link. All I can say is it was worth the wait. New Twitter background? Yes, please!
*giggle*
I hate to admit this but as soon as I saw the start of the Norwich Union ad – I was able to say the rest of it out loud without reading…
It’s sick what the mind does at this hour of the morning.
M.L.
I know, right? You want to know what’s worse? During one of my insomnia nights, I watched the actual commercial, like 10 times. And I LAUGHED EVERY TIME. It just amazes me how in less than one second, Patrick is able to tell his dad that he got life insurance.
Old people are funny.
girl, bring that can with the slit over here. you get a brand new shiny quarter for making me laugh so hard.
Sweet! At this rate, I’ll have that bitch filled just in time for my retirement!
Kinda ironic that the boner question was asked on a Jonas Brothers fan page. That’s like asking “what is dignity” on a Jersey Shore fan page.
And, lord, I wish I could be a fly on the wall when that poor girl first uses “boner” in a sentence.
Haha! Sadly, because “Jersey Shore” was the other program on the English channel in Nicaragua, I can actually picture Snooki trying to answer that question. And it isn’t pretty. Or coherent, for that matter.
I vote #7. Who can take seriously a word that sounds as if one is speaking wif a mouf fuh uv croissant?
( That “Coming Out” trophy will be useful on Pride Day. )
Ha! Personally, I’m always leery of words that don’t roll easily off the tongue. That’s why I never LOL.
I’m hoping that this award earns me a spot on the Mardi Gras float. (Only because I’ve always wanted to go.)
I’m still trying to figure out how your mind works. I’m going to stop now so that mine doesn’t explode. The best line ever is, “Charo is my safe word.” I’m going to be saying that randomly now. Sadly, people don’t need to find me more odd than they already do.
I’ll order a pair of the limited edition jazz hands as well. They’ll look great on my sideboard.
Please don’t do that. The problem is, my mind is under the impression that it works best at a) three in the morning, or b) three in the morning while intoxicated. Since they stopped performing lobotomies in the seventies, I’m pretty much screwed.
ps. One set of Limited LIMITED edition Jazz Hands coming your way! (I say “Limited” twice, only because these ones are also bedazzled.)
I like your aunt’s style. Not that she steals stuff, that she kisses everyone on the mouth and likes things with slits.
I have just awarded you the coveted “I Laughed So Hard I Spit Red Bull All Over My Computer Screen” award.
(Basically It’s a tin can piggy bank, wrapped in an invoice for my new computer screen.)
are you sure you’re not einstein?
Hi! i’m like you post: to my @rjyiauay twitter
What you do with Facebook needs to be studied as a science. In fact, I’d like to be the first researcher to begin working on it. In other words, you hold the key to my future career.
Kids talking about privates. Wins always. I’m so late for this.