How To Help Your Dog Lose Weight

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Everyone knows that your dog is a reflection of you. Which is why it’s so important that she always be lean and svelte.

Let’s face it; when people see a lost, overweight canine waddling down the street, it’s only natural for them to assume that the canine’s owner also waddles.

So for no other reason than to help you find your lost dog (and stop others from making fun of your waddle), I’m offering you the following list of canine weight-loss tips, free of charge.

**FYI- If you think my never owning a dog automatically renders my advice useless, think again. If anything, it makes my advice even more relevant. (Mostly because I’m not blinded by things like puppy love.)

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Tips For Helping Your Dog Lose Weight

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1) Use A Reward System

Tell your canine that for every pound she loses, you will reward her with a non-edible gift. Like a new collar, or a gift certificate for a blow-out at the grooming salon.

Better yet, make her a deal that if she reaches her goal weight by a certain date, you’ll take her on an all-expense paid vacation to your brother-in-law’s farm.

Sometimes a little positive reinforcement is all it takes to get your dog on the right path.

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2) Leave Magazines Lying Around Showing Photos of Skinny Dogs

This is a really great way to motivate your corpulent canine. Just tear out a photo of a slim, well toned-canine from Modern Dog magazine and place it next to her food dish.

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When she goes for another helping of ham hocks fried in bacon fat, she’ll see the dog she could be. Then she’ll start to wonder how she let herself go.

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3) Buy Her A Goal Outfit

Buying her a slinky bikini that’s one or two sizes smaller might be just the motivation your dog needs to shed those unsightly pounds.

Make it flashy, something that will make her feel sexy when she’s out strutting her torso on the neighbor’s front lawn.

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4) Make Off-Handed Comments About How Chubby She’s Getting

Another great way to motivate your furry friend is by dropping subtle hints. Try not to be too cruel, just make the occasional dig, like “Have another doggie treat, chew-toy top!” or “What are you, a Basset Hound?”

Unless she is a basset hound (in which case this probably won’t have any effect on her).

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5) Give Preferential Treatment to Your Other, Thinner Dogs

If you only have one, then favor the dogs that you see on television.

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“Boy, check out the legs on that bitch! I sure do wish Lassie was my dog...”

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6) Find Out If There Are Any Underlying Issues That Are Causing Her To Gain Weight

Is she being bullied at Doggie Day care? Did one of the mutts at the local park threaten her? It’s no secret that mixed-breeds can be cruel.

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Side note- Don’t let her use her recent sterilization as an excuse. Dogs cannot get fat simply by being spayed or neutered. (Ask Bob Barker if you don’t believe me.)

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7) Avoid Placing Blame/Be Supportive

Rather than make accusatory-sounding “You” statements, try using “I” statements. “I” statements are far less threatening, and they they build trust and create healthier, more open relationships.

Here are some examples:

Instead of “You’re really fat,” try “I feel like you’re really fat.”

Or;

Instead of “You’re disgusting,” try “I feel like you’re disgusting.”

Or;

Instead of “You should be embarrassed to go out in public looking like that,” try “I’m embarrassed to take you out in public looking like that.”

Not only are these much less offensive, it will take a while for her to figure out that they all mean basically the same thing.

This will give you more time to hide those jerky treats from her ginormous mouth.

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8) Give Her an Ultimatum

Finally, if nothing else seems to work you may have to resort to a canine intervention.

Casually tell your dog that a Cameraman is going to be following her around for a few days. If she seems suspicious, just say it’s for an upcoming episode of “Dog the Bounty Hunter”. (If she’s actually seen Dog The Bounty Hunter then say it’s for a “Cat Steven’s Special”.)

When it’s time for the actual intervention, be compassionate, yet firm. Tell her that while you still love her, you’re just not physically attracted to her anymore.

Don’t bother giving her the whole “I’m just worried about your health” spiel. Unless she’s an Afghan Hound, she’s not an idiot.

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*For these and other amazingly brilliant dog weight-loss tips, keep a look-out for my bestselling weight loss book, “Skinny Bitch,” in stores soon.

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Comments

  1. When they have you on the Today Show to talk about your book, I bet they’ll want you to play up the angle that this is about so much more than dogs. I showed it to my cat and she’s out the treadmill now.

    • I’m counting on that, John. Mostly because I don’t know anything about dogs. But also because the book really is so much more than that. Really, it’s a triumph of the human spirit.

      ps. If she wants to burn even more calories, tell her to throw on a pair of ankle weights.

      pps. Do cats have ankles?

      • Anonymous says:

        Of course cats have ankles. Those are the best tasting parts! (Ask for my old family recipe for smoked cat hocks when you put together your cookbook. There’s nothing like a bowl of cat hocks and a cold Schlitz for watching the big game on a Saturday afternoon.)

  2. This post is so going on our dog rescue page. I am going to show this page to my dog Sunshine, a lab/Great Pyrenees who is currently shaved down for the summer which makes her look exactly like a fat helpless harp seal awaiting a clubbing on the sofa.

  3. “Better yet, make her a deal that if she reaches her goal weight by a certain date, you’ll take her on an all-expense paid vacation to your brother-in-law’s farm.” Isn’t that what parents tell their kid when their dog actually dies??

    “We decided to take Spot to your uncles farm. He is much happier there having room to run etc etc”

    So maybe tell the dog that you will TAKE him to the farm if he doesn’t lose weight.

    • Good point, Bearman.

      Then again, seeing as they all end up there anyway, one could look at it as both a weight loss AND time management tip.

      Really, it’s a win/win. (Both wins for me!)

  4. I knew you’d be too compassionate to mention sending her to Korea as an option. That’s why I’m mentioning it for you. Actually, the threat alone might be good enough to make her lose her appetite.

  5. Fat dogs are simply attempting to save the planet. Dogs have been roundly (heh! :-P ) criticized over their environmental impact and the weight gain is both a reflection of their superior energy efficiency and an attempt at carbon sequestration.

  6. My mom has a dog named Zoe. She was real cute, real sweet, lovable, funny, just an all around good dog. Then we cut her girl parts out (well not WE, just me) and she got fat and now she lays around all the time.
    NO THATS NOT ABOUT ME SHUT UP STOP LOOKING AT ME.

  7. I’ve thought about taking my fat cat to the gym and putting her on the treadmill, but that’s just silly. I think she’d prefer the StairMaster.

  8. So I recently took my 3 dogs to the vet and got the awkward so your dogs need to lay off the milk bones lecture. I soooo wanted to shout back at the veterinarian, it’s fucking ok! I know, I am getting a little chubby too! Because you know when they are telling you about your fat pet, really they are thinking about the fact that their comment is aimed at the chubby pet owner and the chubby pet. Stupid vet. Milk bones (err pizza) are so tasty!

    Fresh Out of Gold Stars

    • He actually lectured you about your dogs’ eating habits? Just what kind of vet is this guy? (Not that it matters, since I wouldn’t know the difference anyway.)

      Next time you see this vet, tell him your dogs are adopted which means they don’t share your genes which means you have no way of knowing how fast their metabolism is or isn’t which means you don’t know how much to feed them which means it’s not your problem. Then while he’s busy trying to figure out WTF you just said, get your dogs to hold him down and steal his stethoscope.

      I know a guy who sells stethoscopes on the black market.

  9. I’m afraid my Beagle, Fat Boy Slim, has succumbed to societies pressures to be thin and has developed an eating disorder. He inhales his dinner, then immediately pukes it back up. But, then he eats it all up again . . . so, ya, not really sure if it’s really helping his physique. To his credit, he’s not really that smart.

    • Well, at least he’s not digesting it, defecating it and then eating it again, unlike my ex- boyfriend’s dog. (And maybe even my ex, now that I think about it.)

      Had you not said something I would have assumed you had an Eskimo dog. That’s how Eskimo women feed their babies, by chewing up the food and then spitting it into their babies mouth.

      (Don’t ask me how I know this.)

  10. elizabeth3hersh says:

    If all else fails, there is always Spanx.

  11. And now we have two brand new eating disorders, Bul(ldog)imia and AnoREX(thedog)ia. Pet Therapists around the world laud your discovery, excellent job!

  12. Oh, man. The “give preferential treatment” bit reminded me of something horrible a friend of mine used to do in high school. He’s a good person, really, even though you will hate him when I tell you this:

    He would buy a bag of some kind of food and go to the ape house. Then he would find the smallest monkey and begin throwing it food. Whenever the bigger monkeys came around, he would either stop or make sure that only the smallest monkey got the food. Eventually all of the big monkeys would beat the shit out of the smallest monkey.

    God, the more I get into this blogging thing, the more I realize that there is evil in the world. Thanks for the tips. I will use them on my cat.

  13. My dog can’t relate, he’s like the Paris Hilton of dogs. While the other doesn’t care about diets. He’s a rebel.

  14. I am firmly of the opinion that you need not have any “expertise” or “life experience” to hand out advice. After all, I’ve never quit smoking and yet I can hand out advice to aspiring non-smokers with the best of them. Occasionally, I just read the information directly off the pack I’m holding.

    Not only that, but this “life experience” thing is complete bullshit. I have three kids but every time I try to tell other parents that they’re doing it wrong, they get all defensive and angry. “Pay no attention to whatever it is that my kids are doing while my back is turned and pay more attention to your own child, who is currently staring at you in fear while you yell at me. I’m raising my children as examples of ‘what not to do’. You’d probably thank me for my ‘control group’ if you weren’t so defensive and your new vehicle wasn’t so keyed. Jesus.”

    Long story short, I showed this to my fat dog and he went and bit my thin dog. Then the cat attacked the thin one’s ankle and they both tore through the house knocking stuff over and interrupting my childrens’ reenactment of all the worst parts of “Lord of the Flies.”

    • HA! Those cigarette packs offer a plethora of information.

      One time we were at the bar and my friend pulled out her pack of cigarettes. On the front of the box there was a warning about how second-hand smoke hurts children, and a photo of two random kids. My friend was all like, “How in the hell can my cigarette smoke hurt them? I’ve never even seen these kids before!”

      Come to think of it, you probably had to be there. (Also, it helps if you’re shitfaced.)

      I always dreamed that my wedding would have a “Lord of the Flies” theme. Mostly because it would save me the cost of hiring a caterer.

  15. When you mentioned using “I” instead of “You” it reminded me of that old Sue Johanson show called “Talk Sex”. She always advised callers to use “‘I’ speak” when trying to convince their partners to engage in ‘non traditional’ sex acts.
    ‘I feel your ass could be missing out on a great experience’… and so on.

    • I remember her! For some reason I could only listen to her for so long before my mind would suddenly wander off to thoughts of old saggy balls. The fact that she was female was irrelevant.

  16. My dog sometimes eats his dinner so fast he ralphs it all over the kitchen floor. Perhaps temporary doggy bulimia is an option? I mean, he’s already binging and purging, we just haven’t “labeled” it yet. Of course, bulimia isn’t funny, but doggy bulimia? That’s funny. Am I right? Right?

    • Of course you’re right! I mean, it probably wouldn’t get you first place on America’s Funniest Home Videos, but still. That show is fixed, anyway.

      (I have it on good authority that Tom Bergeron has a hardcore “man getting hit in the groin with a golf ball” fetish.)

  17. Does this apply to cats, too?

  18. Anonymous says:

    After my dog’s balls were removed, I could just read it on his face: “Screw this. I have no ‘nads anymore. Da bitches won’t be diggin’ on me. I’m just gonna eat my ass off and become a furry tub.”
    God, I hope people don’t look at my dog and see me. A eunuch. Yikes.

  19. My dog works hard all day at his job in the roofing business, and then even goes to the gym afterward and chases his tail for a good hour. But he’s still fat. What should I do? I’m sorry but most of these tips seem geared towards bitches.

    • Would he consider switching professions? According to my friends in Bark River, MI, logging can burn up two twice as many calories an hour.

      ps. You’d be a bitch too, if your bikini bottoms wouldn’t stay up…

  20. I am glad you are not blinded by puppy love. Everybody knows that puppy love is the gateway to doggy style.

  21. I’d like to tell you a little bit about what just happened to me. I liked this so much that I started scrolling slower, knowing this shit was going to end and I had to make it last. Because your advice is on the money. Who cares if you’re not a dog owner. Details, details.

    And starting statements with “I” when addressing a fat ass pooch. Yes. Yes. Yes.

    • This has absolutely nothing to do with your comment, E, but I’ve been thinking that you and I would make kickass motivational speakers/girl band. I’ll lace the track, you lock the flow. Or if you prefer, you could lace the track. (Either/or.)

      Just promise me you’ll think about it.

  22. And I mistakenly thought that your sage advice was only for our species. Is there anything you can’t do bschooled?

  23. “When she goes for another helping of ham hocks fried in bacon fat”

    I wonder how fat the owner is?? Because we all now that owners give their left-overs to their dog.

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