How To Help Your Dog Lose Weight

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Everyone knows that your dog is a reflection of you. Which is why it’s so important that she always be lean and svelte.

Let’s face it; when people see a lost, overweight canine waddling down the street, it’s only natural for them to assume that the canine’s owner also waddles.

So for no other reason than to help you find your lost dog (and stop others from making fun of your waddle), I’m offering you the following list of canine weight-loss tips, free of charge.

**FYI- If you think my never owning a dog automatically renders my advice useless, think again. If anything, it makes my advice even more relevant. (Mostly because I’m not blinded by things like puppy love.)

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Tips For Helping Your Dog Lose Weight

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1) Use A Reward System

Tell your canine that for every pound she loses, you will reward her with a non-edible gift. Like a new collar, or a gift certificate for a blow-out at the grooming salon.

Better yet, make her a deal that if she reaches her goal weight by a certain date, you’ll take her on an all-expense paid vacation to your brother-in-law’s farm.

Sometimes a little positive reinforcement is all it takes to get your dog on the right path.

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2) Leave Magazines Lying Around Showing Photos of Skinny Dogs

This is a really great way to motivate your corpulent canine. Just tear out a photo of a slim, well toned-canine from Modern Dog magazine and place it next to her food dish.

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When she goes for another helping of ham hocks fried in bacon fat, she’ll see the dog she could be. Then she’ll start to wonder how she let herself go.

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3) Buy Her A Goal Outfit

Buying her a slinky bikini that’s one or two sizes smaller might be just the motivation your dog needs to shed those unsightly pounds.

Make it flashy, something that will make her feel sexy when she’s out strutting her torso on the neighbor’s front lawn.

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4) Make Off-Handed Comments About How Chubby She’s Getting

Another great way to motivate your furry friend is by dropping subtle hints. Try not to be too cruel, just make the occasional dig, like “Have another doggie treat, chew-toy top!” or “What are you, a Basset Hound?”

Unless she is a basset hound (in which case this probably won’t have any effect on her).

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5) Give Preferential Treatment to Your Other, Thinner Dogs

If you only have one, then favor the dogs that you see on television.

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“Boy, check out the legs on that bitch! I sure do wish Lassie was my dog...”

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6) Find Out If There Are Any Underlying Issues That Are Causing Her To Gain Weight

Is she being bullied at Doggie Day care? Did one of the mutts at the local park threaten her? It’s no secret that mixed-breeds can be cruel.

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Side note- Don’t let her use her recent sterilization as an excuse. Dogs cannot get fat simply by being spayed or neutered. (Ask Bob Barker if you don’t believe me.)

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7) Avoid Placing Blame/Be Supportive

Rather than make accusatory-sounding “You” statements, try using “I” statements. “I” statements are far less threatening, and they they build trust and create healthier, more open relationships.

Here are some examples:

Instead of “You’re really fat,” try “I feel like you’re really fat.”

Or;

Instead of “You’re disgusting,” try “I feel like you’re disgusting.”

Or;

Instead of “You should be embarrassed to go out in public looking like that,” try “I’m embarrassed to take you out in public looking like that.”

Not only are these much less offensive, it will take a while for her to figure out that they all mean basically the same thing.

This will give you more time to hide those jerky treats from her ginormous mouth.

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8) Give Her an Ultimatum

Finally, if nothing else seems to work you may have to resort to a canine intervention.

Casually tell your dog that a Cameraman is going to be following her around for a few days. If she seems suspicious, just say it’s for an upcoming episode of “Dog the Bounty Hunter”. (If she’s actually seen Dog The Bounty Hunter then say it’s for a “Cat Steven’s Special”.)

When it’s time for the actual intervention, be compassionate, yet firm. Tell her that while you still love her, you’re just not physically attracted to her anymore.

Don’t bother giving her the whole “I’m just worried about your health” spiel. Unless she’s an Afghan Hound, she’s not an idiot.

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*For these and other amazingly brilliant dog weight-loss tips, keep a look-out for my bestselling weight loss book, “Skinny Bitch,” in stores soon.

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