Presenting Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, In Her First Rap Battle EVAH! (OR Alternative Title: Eight Mile, Uphill Both Ways, Carrying a Horse)


So, you know how when you move out of your apartment and you’re between places so your friend offers to let you stay with her for a few days but then one afternoon she goes out so you decide to go snooping through her deep freeze because you already went through her medicine cabinets and, well, how else does she expect you to keep yourself occupied when she isn’t home? and on your way downstairs you see a framed picture on the wall of a lady who you swear is Gloria Estefan but it turns out to be just an exotic looking relative so you keep walking only now you have that song in your head about how the rhythm is gonna get you?

And at first you’re okay with it, but then it starts to get annoying, so you mumble “Whatever Gloria, the rhythm will never get me,” and she’s all “I know it, the rhythm is gonna gey’cha,” and you’re like “Just so you know, gey’cha isn’t even a word” and she’s like “The rhythm is gonna gey’cha, rhythm is gonna gey’cha, rhythm is gonna get you (Woof!)” so finally you’re like, “Uh, okay. Have another drink you crazy latina.”

So you assume that’s the end of it, but then you’re sitting on the couch eating a fudgesicle that you  didn’t steal from the freezer and watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (the one where Mrs. Johnson dies and they find a slow kid  hiding in her closet),  and suddenly you come up with a BRILLIANT(!) idea that you can’t believe you didn’t think of before and that’s when you start to wonder if maybe Gloria was right and the rhythm actually did gey’cha?

Well, that just happened.


I feel your pain...











By Day- A strong-willed, liberal-minded frontier woman on a mission to convince the townsfolk that a female doctor can successfully practice medicine.


By Night- Wannabe rapper from the wrong side of the tracks throwing down beats in the battle of her life.




…Um, so yeah. I think you’ll all agree that I’ve finally found my true calling.



  1. You are deranged, but brilliant. I was having a spectacularly bad day where I questioned why humankind even exists, but I am definitely cheered up now that I have read your rap master work. Clearly, Descartes did not go quite far enough. I rap, therefore I am. “Je rap, donc je suis”. I’d do it in Latin, but I’m not sure what “to rap” is in Latin. Dr. Quinn would know, though. She was down with her Latin.

  2. “Quit swingin from my sack”? That sounds like a cry for help that Dr Quinn could have answered. He was very gracious to her for someone having sack stretched.

    • If only we had plastic surgery back then, I could have saved him from being ostracized.

      Though, in certain tribal areas, a stretched sack is considered a sign of intelligence.

  3. Gad, that’s a funny idea – Jane Seymour rapping. Now I’m imagining Fitty Cent in a Merchant/Ivory drawing room drama. (Remainz of A.J.)

  4. That first pic, the kid is thinking “Mommy, that man’s boobs are bigger than yours…ewwww is he leaking milk?”

  5. Home Slice groping his Man Boobs made my night. FYI.


  7. Pervy rhymes with scurvy. I’m sure that fits in there somewhere :-)

  8. Your rhymes kick ass! Yo.

    But, chicken IS meat! So,

    I don’t get that.

    • Ha! I don’t get that either.

      I definitely see potential re: your rapping abilities. Have you ever thought of hiring a rap coach?

      ps. I also double as a rap coach.

  9. The best part?

    When The Rhyme Report salutes you on your awesomeness and you go from gangsta to classy lady in 2 seconds flat…”Thank you, kind sir.”

    That’s my bitch.

  10. This post is a level of talent that should be in a gallery. Something with an alarm and a guard.

  11. Too bad Dr Quinn is too busy designing jewelry that looks like huge boobs and a butt. Maybe she can rap about it.

  12. I’ve totally been got by the rhythm. fuck. now I’m not going to be able to go to sleep.

  13. Dearest B-Schooled,
    I wish I could busta rhyme with a sistah so on da real,
    but I’m a sucka MC so I wont be gettin a record deal.
    You got da flow and da mass appeal.
    I’ll just sit here and chill.

    You are so brilliant! Who’d a thought of that med bitch rapping except you!

  14. You’re a strange woman B- I’m still trying to get into your head and figure out this unique sense of humor you have… love the new header! It’s so- YOU! Of course it could be over a month old by now but to me, it’s new. :-)

  15. I can’t seem to leave a comment on your tampon post…. :-(

  16. The rhythm totally geychaed you.

  17. omg.

    you’re HIGH larious and i just lol’d.

    i effing HATE gloria estefan. and her mole.

    i miss you. i actually HAVE been moving and thus, have been forced to separate from you and my spirit has been squelched.

    i miss fudgesicles.

    • I miss you too! True story, I actually had a dream about you the other night. We were at a bar, and two guys with tight pants and unbuttoned silk blouses shimmied up and asked us to to dance to Tom Jones’ “Sex Bomb”.

      Now that I think about it, it was more of a nightmare.

      But you being there made the groin thrusting bearable, at least.

  18. My favourite is replacing “the rhythm” with “the herp”, … cuz she sings it with such conviction so you just KNOW the bitch has been around. *

    *I don’t really think she’s a bitch, but her firey latina passion intimidates me. Damn you, Gloria.

    • Ha! Damn those STD-infected fiery latinas.

      If that 80’s prom dress and messy-assed afro doesn’t scream “The herp is gonna gey’cha”, then I don’t know what does.

  19. How is it possible that no one sent you to NicePeter? I am going to ask for Doctor Quinn to be featured, which would be a lot of vindication for you.

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