.
So, you know how when you move out of your apartment and you’re between places so your friend offers to let you stay with her for a few days but then one afternoon she goes out so you decide to go snooping through her deep freeze because you already went through her medicine cabinets and, well, how else does she expect you to keep yourself occupied when she isn’t home? and on your way downstairs you see a framed picture on the wall of a lady who you swear is Gloria Estefan but it turns out to be just an exotic looking relative so you keep walking only now you have that song in your head about how the rhythm is gonna get you?
And at first you’re okay with it, but then it starts to get annoying, so you mumble “Whatever Gloria, the rhythm will never get me,” and she’s all “I know it, the rhythm is gonna gey’cha,” and you’re like “Just so you know, gey’cha isn’t even a word” and she’s like “The rhythm is gonna gey’cha, rhythm is gonna gey’cha, rhythm is gonna get you (Woof!)” so finally you’re like, “Uh, okay. Have another drink you crazy latina.”
So you assume that’s the end of it, but then you’re sitting on the couch eating a fudgesicle that you didn’t steal from the freezer and watching Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman (the one where Mrs. Johnson dies and they find a slow kid hiding in her closet), and suddenly you come up with a BRILLIANT(!) idea that you can’t believe you didn’t think of before and that’s when you start to wonder if maybe Gloria was right and the rhythm actually did gey’cha?
Well, that just happened.
.
I feel your pain...
*****
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By Day- A strong-willed, liberal-minded frontier woman on a mission to convince the townsfolk that a female doctor can successfully practice medicine.
..
By Night- Wannabe rapper from the wrong side of the tracks throwing down beats in the battle of her life.
.
*****
.
…Um, so yeah. I think you’ll all agree that I’ve finally found my true calling.
.
Just Making Convo 
You are deranged, but brilliant. I was having a spectacularly bad day where I questioned why humankind even exists, but I am definitely cheered up now that I have read your rap master work. Clearly, Descartes did not go quite far enough. I rap, therefore I am. “Je rap, donc je suis”. I’d do it in Latin, but I’m not sure what “to rap” is in Latin. Dr. Quinn would know, though. She was down with her Latin.
Thank-you, BTBNL.
Sadly, I only know pig latin myself. But I think you’ll agree that my long, flowing hair and extensive medical vocabulary from the 1800’s more than make up for it.
It’s your medicine vocabulary that does it for me. Long flowing hair is so 1799
Thank God for you, NM. I was under the assumption that long flowing hair was the new black.
I can only imagine how embarrassed I would have been seven years from now.
I was discussing your rap with my law clerk this morning and she told me she ran into Jane Seymour in the bathroom at Applebee’s in Hendersonville, TN (post Johnny Cash funeral). I asked her if she could picture Jane rapping and she totally could. Good call.
Sweet! Now, could you ask her if she could see Angela Lansbury rapping?
Er, no reason.
“Quit swingin from my sack”? That sounds like a cry for help that Dr Quinn could have answered. He was very gracious to her for someone having sack stretched.
If only we had plastic surgery back then, I could have saved him from being ostracized.
Though, in certain tribal areas, a stretched sack is considered a sign of intelligence.
Gad, that’s a funny idea – Jane Seymour rapping. Now I’m imagining Fitty Cent in a Merchant/Ivory drawing room drama. (Remainz of A.J.)
Is it just me, or does the name Fitty make everyone giggle like a schoolgirl from the 19th century?
That first pic, the kid is thinking “Mommy, that man’s boobs are bigger than yours…ewwww is he leaking milk?”
I love how perspicacious you are, B.
And I also love the Thesaurus.
Home Slice groping his Man Boobs made my night. FYI.
Ha!
Referring to him as “Home Slice” made my morning, FYI.
OMG REPRESENT. THIS MADE MY FUCKING DAY, FOREALS NIG.
You think this is representin’, just wait till you see* me rap Ben Matlock** style!
*read
**not really
Pervy rhymes with scurvy. I’m sure that fits in there somewhere :-)
I try to include that rhyme in all of my raps. Just to keep the public informed.
Your rhymes kick ass! Yo.
But, chicken IS meat! So,
I don’t get that.
Ha! I don’t get that either.
I definitely see potential re: your rapping abilities. Have you ever thought of hiring a rap coach?
ps. I also double as a rap coach.
The best part?
When The Rhyme Report salutes you on your awesomeness and you go from gangsta to classy lady in 2 seconds flat…”Thank you, kind sir.”
That’s my bitch.
You + me + gin and juice = rap magic.
(Er, this has nothing to do with your comment, I just had to put it out there.)
This post is a level of talent that should be in a gallery. Something with an alarm and a guard.
I am leaving this rap to you in my will, Will. (Pun unintended. But witty, nonetheless.)
You are the only person who understands its true worth.
Too bad Dr Quinn is too busy designing jewelry that looks like huge boobs and a butt. Maybe she can rap about it.
Two butts going in opposite directions. http://blog.mlive.com/fashionfixx/2009/05/medium_503469203_MV_PD.jpg
Isn’t that what love’s all about?
I’ve totally been got by the rhythm. fuck. now I’m not going to be able to go to sleep.
I know! I finally had to knock that shit out with a bottle of vodka. Of course, I drank it first. (Which is probably what also helped me sleep.)
Dearest B-Schooled,
I wish I could busta rhyme with a sistah so on da real,
but I’m a sucka MC so I wont be gettin a record deal.
You got da flow and da mass appeal.
I’ll just sit here and chill.
You are so brilliant! Who’d a thought of that med bitch rapping except you!
Nice rhymes, Lisa! You really know how to lock a flow! Or is it lace the track? (Unfortunately my rap lingo needs work.)
You’re a strange woman B- I’m still trying to get into your head and figure out this unique sense of humor you have… love the new header! It’s so- YOU! Of course it could be over a month old by now but to me, it’s new. :-)
I can’t seem to leave a comment on your tampon post…. :-(
Blame CHARMpons©.
Apparently a lot of people have been devaluing their classy products…;)
If CHARMpons comes with a tuna tartare charm, I’ll seriously consider a sex change thingy. Otherwise, I’ll stick with the catheter/bull balls combo.
hey, don’t I know you?
Yeppers. Just got burned out on the blog thingy. Figure I’ll stop by once and awhile just to say hi.
The rhythm totally geychaed you.
It geychaed me something fierce!
omg.
you’re HIGH larious and i just lol’d.
i effing HATE gloria estefan. and her mole.
i miss you. i actually HAVE been moving and thus, have been forced to separate from you and my spirit has been squelched.
i miss fudgesicles.
I miss you too! True story, I actually had a dream about you the other night. We were at a bar, and two guys with tight pants and unbuttoned silk blouses shimmied up and asked us to to dance to Tom Jones’ “Sex Bomb”.
Now that I think about it, it was more of a nightmare.
But you being there made the groin thrusting bearable, at least.
My favourite is replacing “the rhythm” with “the herp”, … cuz she sings it with such conviction so you just KNOW the bitch has been around. *
*I don’t really think she’s a bitch, but her firey latina passion intimidates me. Damn you, Gloria.
Ha! Damn those STD-infected fiery latinas.
If that 80’s prom dress and messy-assed afro doesn’t scream “The herp is gonna gey’cha”, then I don’t know what does.
How is it possible that no one sent you to NicePeter? http://www.youtube.com/user/nicepeter#p/u/14/l3w2MTXBebg I am going to ask for Doctor Quinn to be featured, which would be a lot of vindication for you.