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I am a very safety-conscious traveler.
Whenever I go to a foreign country, I always bring the biggest fanny pack I can find and wear it hiked up over my rib cage. Also, I never shower more than once a week.
I find this helps protect me from things like identity theft.
For the last month or so, I’ve been trekking* through** Mexico.
*one bus ride
**two places
Because it’s important to me that I immerse myself in the culture and learn to “live like the locals,” I’ve been spending a lot of time in my pimped-out hotel room watching Mexican Soap Operas (aka. Telenovelas).
My favorite Telenovela is about an ugly woman with braces, who says and does hilarious things that unfortunately I never pay attention to because I’m too busy trying to figure out why an ugly woman with braces would be cast as the lead actress in a soap opera.
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Trust me, she’s a riot.
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Another telenovela I enjoy is called “Apuesta Por Amor,” or as we say in English, “Bet For Love.”
The plot is kind of hard to explain, so I’ve taken the liberty of posting a few scenes, close captioned in English for your enjoyment.
*Please note these conversations are not word for word, only because they’re accents are really thick and I was so busy taking pictures that I didn’t realize the television was on mute the whole time. However you’ll be happy to know that thanks to my stellar literacy skills, I’m pretty much an expert when it comes to reading body language.
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MEANWHILE…
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***COMMERCIAL BREAK***
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***END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK***
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BACK AT THE RANCH…
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LATER…
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A FEW DAYS LATER, AT THE FUNERAL….
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***FADE TO BLACK***
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ON THE NEXT EPISODE:
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Just Making Convo 
Wow, Mexican soap operas really put North American entertainment to shame, huh? I mean right into the crapper. Literally.
ROFL!!!!
That must have been good, because you know how often I ROFL, David. (Or any other chortle-referencing acronym.) Like three times. In my life.
I’m trying to click LIKE on your response but can’t find it. This annual southern trek of yours is quite good for your comedy bone isn’t it?
That’s intense! Kind of like Miami Vice meets the X-Files.
Meets Three’s Company! Meets La Bamba! Meets a Documentary on Eskimo Mothers and Their Babies! Meets Whitney!
(The last one is mostly because I want to ask the producers why they thought it was a good idea to put that show on the air.)
Jesus Maria y Jorge! That is fucking hilarious. If you don’t mind, can I send you a tape of something I’m supposed to watch and have you close caption it for me? I think it would be way more entertaining and probably educational, too. Although, when you do it, can you avoid references to awful musicians from the 80s and 90s? I have a terrible disease that causes songs like ‘I want to sex you up’ to ring in my head for hours. This leads to therapy which is expensive and then I can’t afford to travel with Troy anymore to exotic locations where he tries to kill me.
Of course you can! Because I am self-taught, the more practice I can get, the better.
And just because it’s you, I won’t resort to any of my signature phrases, including “Please, Pour Some Sugar On Me…” and “Don’t Forget To Wake Me Up Before You Go Go!”
I don’t know, the guy in the white blazer and no shirt looks like Gerardo to me.
THAT’S WHO I WAS THINKING OF! For some reason I always get him mixed up with Gino Vanelli. And seriously, who wants to watch a soap opera starring Gino Vanelli?
“Concentration, Concentration….” Girl, that was the biggest blast from the past EVER!!
I love you for that.
…and, PS, wasn’t that such a creepy song for kids to be singing to each other?
I seriously had nightmares because of that song. To this day, I cringe whenever I hear a baby crying.
(Then again, it might have something to do with my aversion to toddlers…)
My god, how can you get any work done with all that intrigue going on?
Um….work? No entiendo el palabra “work”.
I’m with Just Me on the whole “Concentration, Concentration….” thing. Leave it to a Mexican soap opera to just now be doing something us kids did back in the 80’s! Silly Mexicans!
Oh and what’s with the old fashioned values? I was being sexed up by the age of 10! If I’d have waited till 13 people would’ve called me an old spinster!
I know, right? I got most of my sexing up done before I hit puberty.
(Only because back then we didn’t have shows like “Teen Mom”.)
Exactly! Had Teen Mom been on back then I woulda started trying to have kids the moment I got my period! That show makes having babies look like a blast!
The best Mexican TV show I have ever seen was called “cuidado per el lion” and it was a singing competition show hosted by a skinny/ double g breasted woman and a man in a 4 foot sombrero. The contestants sang, and if they were good, the people clapped. If they sucked, a guy in a lion costume came out of a paper mache cave to tackle them, and literally drag them off the stage. Good times.
I’m sorry, I think you meant to say, “This one time, after I took a couple hits of acid . . . “
Ha! Sadly, I doubt there was any acid involved. I saw one show here where the audience gets to decide if you and your husband should get a divorce. Then, at the end, a llama or emu or something comes out and does the Macarena.
I could be wrong, but think it was on the porn channel.
My favorite Telenovela is about an ugly woman with braces
You sure that wasn’t the original Ugly Betty that the american show was based off of?
I thought so, but she was like, thirty. Also, her name wasn’t Ugly Betty.
It was Betty Feo.
I want to know more about the moustache ad
Sorry, I only acknowledge moustaches during Movember…
I’m charitable that way.
Hahahaha!! Can you do something similar with the Republican debates?
P.S. My best friend in Miami learned to speak fluent Spanish from watching commercials and telenovelas!
Um, sure! As long as I don’t have to use any politic-like words. My US political vocabulary is limited to the terms “Monica Lewinsky” and “Oprah”.
I don’t understand how people can actually learn a new language just by watching television. After watching “Splash” I became obsessed with the idea, I tried to watch Chinese programs hoping the language would somehow enter my brain via osmosis. I think I lasted maybe ten minutes.
SO I am clearly bringing you with me as translator whenever I go to a Spanish-speaking country. Cool?
Cool! I just hope you don’t mind the weird looks at the bar, when I get drunk and then accidentally mistake phrases like “I’m embarrassed” for “I’m pregnant”.
(To be fair, why would the word “Embarazada” mean pregnant, anyway?)
That show looks awesome.
Did that 13-year-old ever get laid?
Wait, don’t spoil it for me . . .
HA! I promise, my lips are sealed. (Unlike the legs of Juan Jr.’s first conquest…)
So THAT’S where Color Me Badd ran off to . . . maybe all of the obscure 80’s and 90’s boy bands eventually get onto Mexican Telenovellas. Like a depository for Where Are They Nows.
And that guy really does look like he was Right Here Waiting for him . . . whilst Holding onto the Night. I mean, he was only Listening to His Heart! Jeesh.
Ahh, memories.
That was the first song I ever slow danced to. Granted, it was with a pillow. But still…
Wow! How long are you staying? I’m jealous. It’s freezing where I’m at. Not sure if I could put up with the television there.
I’m here until the beginning of Feb. The good news is that I found the English channel. The bad news is that it only airs CSI, Law and Order and Criminal Minds. I find that now I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, and referring to the locals as “perps”.
Screw waxin my stache, I’m highlighting that shit! Also, *ah lay ah lee* Rrrrrr(don’t forget to roll your tongue)ico Suave.
Wait a minute…you sound familiar.
I think I met you last weekend at the bar…?
This is fuckin’ hilarious. Maybe I need to watch Univision more often.
There are no spanish shows here :( stupid australia. i’m missing out on all the mucho grande el loco pocos going down
I used to watch novelas. My favorite was the original “Muchachitas”. It was a show about four high school girls who had affairs with men older than them. The show ended when one of the girls killed her 40-year old lover.
“Hasta la nunca!” is what everybody said when they were mad at somebody.
When I read that title, what my brain first registered is “Muchacha Tits”. I guess that’s a good indication of what I want to see on TV.
i googled color me badd. lo and behold! this guy looks like johnny depp had too many tacos http://images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/2010622//300.BryanAbrams.ColorMeBadd.tg.072210.jpg
I didn’t sex up till I was 21. Jeez, Mexicans have all the luck. And water-borne parasites.
This was amazing. The Coour Me Badd cameo made my week. And it’s been a pretty good week. I’m on vacation.
How did I not take in the local television when I was in Mexico? Major fail on my part. . .