Literally Ill Humor- A Compendium of My Lamest Jokes Of 2011/Ever

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So, while going through my old computer files recently, I came across a folder of Facebook comments I’d made during my three-month long insomnia phase.

Most of them I never actually posted, mostly because at the time I was afraid of getting kicked in the cyber-head for being so lame.

Now, after going back and revisiting these comments–that at the time I thought were amusing–not only do I understand why my questions went unanswered, I also made the conscious decision to defriend myself.

Trust me, if this post wasn’t titled “My Lamest Facebook Comments Ever,” I definitely wouldn’t be making these public.

*Note: I have arranged these in order from worst to worster-chire sauce (LOL!…Just a taste of what’s to come!). So if at any time you feel like you can’t take any more, I suggest you stop reading immediately and go somewhere a little more highbrow- Like here. Or here. Really, anywhere but here.

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WWSD?/Jersey Shore Fan Page

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“I Hate It When My Parents Ask Who I’m Texting” Fan Page

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General Hospital Fan Page

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“Kids Say The Darndest Things” Fan Page

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Some Page Completely Unrelated To Jo-Anne’s Post

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Because this last one isn’t really suitable for work (even though the image was posted publicly AND didn’t have the cute Hello Kitty censor that I compassionately added just so your eyeballs wouldn’t spontaneously combust like mine did when I saw it), I put it here. Click at your own risk.

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…Um, yeah. So on that note, Happy New Year!

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Comments

  1. I’m so glad we’ll be traversing 2012 together…

  2. God I missed your posts while I was sitting in my tent in a mosquito-infested swamp. I thought to myself as I listened to the hum of a million angry mosquitoes trying to get in my tent to drain me of all (remaining blood), I wonder who Becky is fucking with on Facebook now? Guess I have my answer. “My parents are Amish”. I spit my diet Red Bull through my nose.

    • Yeah, I actually lied about that part. My parents are Presbyterian.

      ps. Oddly enough, this swamp sounds a lot like the hotel I stayed in when I first arrived in Mexico…

  3. “Sorry, guys, but you’re already married.”

    If this is you not-funny, I don’t think I can handle you funny. Because you not-funny made me inhale hot soup while reading and almost die.

  4. Would have been funny in the texting one if you ended with. So I said “mom you are 80 years old living in my house…it’s none of your damn business who I am texting.” Ok maybe only funny to me.

  5. If I laughed out loud at worster-chire sauce, what does that say about me?

  6. You’re one crazy chica. I spent the other night going through your entire blog and found it very entertaining. What’s even better is you’re Canadian… I love it when a sista can represent.

    My personal fave is the donkey. Too funny.

    R:)

  7. Jesus. Some people will LOL at anything.

    What’s wrong with us?

    Happy New Year to you too bschooled. I hope your eyeballs have recovered from the spontaneous combustion. I don’t see how typing that way can be at all efficient.

    • LOL! Oh, David, you really do make me LOL. (But in a good way.)

      I don’t think he can type efficiently, based on his pithy comment and the fact that he’s letting his genitalia do the talking. (I could be wrong, but I think it’s saying “Get me offa this perv!”)

  8. And here’s me thinking FB was a waste of time! I had no idea it could be so fun. . . gotta go and Like something now. . .

    • To be honest, it really is a waste of time. At least the way I was using it, anyway. I can only imagine what I could have accomplished had I not spent all my time trolling pages like “What Would Snooki Do?” and “Stop Chelsea Lately From Mocking The Jonas Brothers!”

  9. The Donkey at the end made me laugh, which was not a nice thing to do because it got me coughing and choking. Lesson of the story… Don’t read this post if you are ill.
    Also, did you ever find out if Drampa is single? Is it his thing hidden under the Hello Kitty?

  10. These are supposed to be lame? I must have the worst sense of humor then because I found each and everyone hilarious.

  11. I’ve actually seen that episode, and it turns out it’s just a disembodied face.

  12. You’re still a comic genius B…for realz.

  13. I’m not quite sure when, it’s a bit of a toss-up; though somewhere between inquiring about the availability
    of “Drampa Hangdown” and giving a personal recommendation of Sylvan Learning center to a parent, you
    “completed me” as a person. On a sidenote, I couldn’t tell for certain but it looked like the woman in the last
    post, looking for Mr. Perfect, may have been posing topless in her profile pic. Nice touch. Do you know if
    she and the donkey are still testing the waters? No biggy, just didn’t want to go “cutting somebody else’s
    grass” so to speak.

    • But she’s in her 35th year…… surely those two children have given her a bit of a grampa hangdown or has she just got a gaping hole in her chest where someone hit her with a cat?

      • HA! Curt, I think you mean “grazing on somebody else’s pasture.”
        If you’re into magical journeys, I think you might still have a chance.

        Nursie- My question, exactly! If only I could summarize as well as you do, I wouldn’t have to waste so much time re-sizing screen shots.

  14. Say the word and I will have a lifetime of sleeping pills shipped to you… it will be my little contribution to the world…

  15. I probably found those all far too entertaining. I am an insomniac, though, so maybe that helps.

  16. Why are all the good donkeys married… or gay?

  17. Honestly, if this is your “Z-list” material, you’re still head and shoulders above those hacks helming “Humour in Uniform” and “McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.” I consider myself to have an “exemplary” sense of humour and I only groaned out loud several times while making my way through this list.

    Most of those groans were unrelated to your punchlines, if that makes you feel any better. I contracted Dengue Fever about two jpegs into this post, which several prominent doctors have assured me is a “real thing” when cornered in the lobby of the expensive medical center downtown. Apparently, it causes periods of intense pain followed by equally intense hallucinations followed by (in most cases) a close friend or relative posting bail.

    If we’re looking to assign blame for these supposedly less-than-stellar comments (and lord knows, we absolutely are), one needs look no further than your selection of straight men/women who served up ham-handed (and, in one case, ham-backed) setup lines with all the skill and timing of a narcoleptic Patch Adams understudy who is currently studying English as a second language. If you had been paired with an actual Abbott to your Costello, we all would be laughing twice as hard and most of us would likely be dead seeing as we’re about 80 years past their prime.

    • You know, CLT, sometimes I think we share a mind. (Though due to whatever reason, you managed to acquire 95% of the actual “mind” part.)

      I actually have another one that I didn’t post because I thought it might make me sound a little “rude”. But I knew that if anyone would appreciate it (and trust me, they wouldn’t) it would be you, which is why I am calling this one “For CLT’s eyes only”:

      p.s. Ham-handed is a funny word, isn’t it?

      …ISN’T IT???

  18. I can’t believe you asked him (I’m assuming it’s a him … ) whether his keyboard was wireless. Is nothing sacred?

    • I know! I was so embarrassed after. It’s like I lack an internal filter.

      To be fair, it’s not like I asked him how much he/she/it? paid for the keyboard. That would have been TOTALLY inappropriate.

  19. You should quit selling these as the lamest jokes ever, because my sincere appreciation for them now makes me ashamed. Please keep patrolling Facebook, for all our sakes.

  20. Thank you for this service.

    Puppy love made my day. (In the way that I did it doggy style.)

  21. Love this post. Love it, for real.

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