This might be why I don’t have any German friends.

.Apparently my jokes don’t translate.


Convo between myself and my heavily-accented German landlady, while out for breakfast at a cafe in Mexico:


Sign posted outside cafe


German Landlady: So, do you know what you will have for breakfast?

Me: I’m not really that hungry. I think I’ll just get the Frühstück.

Landlady: Yes, but you will have what?

Me: The frühstück. And an ice tea.

Landlady:  *deep sigh* I know this. What I am asking is what you will choose.

Me: Oh, you mean I get a choice? In that case, I’ll get a Grapefrühstück. Or kiwi fruh. …Or maybe some kind of exotic fruh medley. Anything but mango fruh. I don’t like mangoes.

Landlady: I do not think you are understanding. In Germany, frühstück is breakfast.

Me: Oh, I see. Well, in Canada, we usually have cereal and toast. Or bacon and eggs. Sometimes pancakes.

Landlady: So you will have one of these?

Me: No. I. Am. Having. The. Frühstück.

*awkward silence*

Me: Do you think they’d let me get my fruh in a cup instead? Knowing me, I’ll probably end up stabbing myself with the stück.

Landlady: *rolls eyes* I do not understand what are you meaning.

Me: On second thought, maybe I should just stick with the Desayunos.



Convo between myself and same heavily-accented German landlady, while walking by the above mannequin on our way back to the hotel:


Me: *points to mannequin’s extremely abundant cleavage* AS IF those are real!

Landlady: They are not real. It is only a mannequin.

Me: Um, yeah. I know. I was only kidding.

Landlady: *blank stare* I do not understand your humor.



Email convo later that day:


Convo between myself and “Guess Who?”, on New Years’ Day, after she spent the entire night pre-post-coital with her “Mexican artist friend” directly above me:


No, there is nothing wrong with my camera. Oddly enough, the fireworks in Mexico look similar to bushfires back home.


Me: So, I take it you had a good New Year’s Eve?

Landlady: Yes. My artist friend came to visit me from Oaxaca. *clears throat* Um, we regarded the fireworks.

Me: Must have been hard to see them from that angle.

Landlady: I do not understand your jokes.

Me: *mumbles* I wasn’t joking this time…




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  1. Oh, man. She is a riot. You 2 should have your own Mexican TV show, ala The Odd Couple, where you keep making fun of stuff and she keeps looking at you blankly and telling you she does not understand your crazy american funniness. I would watch the shit out of that show. But only if it was in Mexican. Because them darn forners are hysterical!!

  2. There are Germans who would get your jokes. Really. I’ve met both of them. They live in Leipzig. Ordinarily, Germans that develop a sense of humor are forced to emigrate, like Marlene Dietrich. I think it’s a law there.

  3. So sheee’s the noisy sexy-time lady I heard about on Twitter! How old is she? In nine months, maybe she could write the mommy makeover article.

  4. You so shoulda asked the german lady if she had a stück up her ass.

    I’m pretty sure those are the biggest ta-ta’s I’ve ever seen on a mannequin. Definitely implants.

    • Haha! If she did have a stück up her ass, I’m pretty sure it belongs to her Oaxacan artist friend…

      Wait, what?

      I know, right? Those suckers are ginormous. I only hope she doesn’t fall over from the weight and kill some innocent foreigner, who just happened to be looking for a new slutty halter top.

  5. I totally get you, and I think mannequins should have big hooters. I must not be German.

  6. I like the TV idea a lot. MUCH better than Two Broke Girls. (just one, and a german lady.) Next time you hear the lovers try calling “Schnell mach schnell” through the wall. Translates to “Fast! Make Fast!” which is about all the German I know unless you want to count to ten for her.

    • F*ck if only she knew the meaning of the word. I spent three hours listening her tell me her life story, starting from Jan. 1998, and moving on in chronological order. By week. Tomorrow she wants to get into her teen years.

      She asked me to bring a notebook. Just so I don’t forget anything.

  7. I once had a scary Russian landlord. We were afraid to tell him anything was wrong with our apartment, ever. I’m pretty sure he was with the mob and carried a knife in his back pocket.

  8. I’m pretty sure I would wind up asking, “What part of ‘fuckstick’ do you not understand?”

  9. totaldistraction says:

    It’s always fun to have your entire sense of humor lost in translation!

  10. Landlady: *blank stare* I do not understand your humor.

    That makes two of us…bwawwwwwwwwwhahahahahhahh j/k

  11. elizabeth3hersh says:

    Good grief! All this time, I thought you were referring to Bratwurst stuffed croissant shaped double end dildos (that’s what the billboard had me believe). Thanks for setting me (and your landlady!) straight.

  12. That made me laugh. You set the scene perfectly. I can hear that German woman’s voice in my head. I have a good friend who is Swiss and before she became proficient in English and lived overseas long enough, she never seemed to get anything I was saying. I do have a strange sense of humor but I’m not that off the wall.
    By the way, that mannequin needs a better bra.

  13. You really socked it to the Germans. That is awesome, as are they. In Austria, they don’t even bother to tell me that they don’t understand my humor. They just stand around uncomfortably until everyone goes back to their office.

    And about the e-mail: somebody from Hasbro or Mattel or somewhere wrote me about doing some superhero product testing and I was all “cool, send that shit out!” thinking, you know, free action figures, and then I didn’t hear back from them ever again. I DID write them again, though, to tell them I thought it would be inappropriate of them to ask me to do a review of kids’ toys, but they still didn’t respond.

  14. Maybe you could have tried to work some Hitler jokes into the convo? Germans *love* that.

  15. My family is German. Well, that and English. It’s a wonder I can understand you. Thank goodness for the English side.

  16. I’ll agree awesome boobs I wonder if she would let me touch one…then again I’ll take it she’s quite type and might not even care….

  17. Now I know why the German tourist looked at me funny. She invited me over for frühstück. I thought she wanted nookie.

  18. “Apparently my jokes don’t translate” Don’t feel bad B, some of your jokes don’t translate to American’s either. :-)

  19. BTW, I really like this blog format.

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