Lonely Planet, indeed.

.For those of you who don’t know, for the past few months I’ve been in Mexico, working hard on my latest travel novel.

If I had to describe it, I would say that it’s a coming-of-age erotica meets sci-fi thriller, a gripping page-turner of thought-provoking non-fiction that entertains as it informs and combines my ebullient prose with my eerie sixth-sense. Also, it’s about traveling.

Because I’m a charitable person by nature and also want others to see how talented I am,  I’ve posted the entire Mexican chapter of my novel below.

**To read what will likely be my “About the Author” page, click here

Chapter 13- All My Amigos Are Dead

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**Note the indigenous skirt and sombrero


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Hector is dead.

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Juan is dead.

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Hank = Dead As a Doornail

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Mr. Disgusting Eyesore and his obviously blind wife are dead.

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I can’t remember her name, but she was really friendly!

And now she’s dead.

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Anna-Maria was alive, once.

But that was before she was dead.

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Susie and Laura? Dead and dead.

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Carlos is just taking a short nap.

Just kidding! He’s dead.

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This kid didn’t like me much.

Which would explain why he’s dead.

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..

Shortly after this was taken, the boat capsized.

And now they’re all dead.

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To be fair, I think Maria might just be disoriented.

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Whoever these guys are going after is obviously dead.

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The guy tried to resuscitate him, but he was already too dead.

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.Babe is just a head.

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The guy on the left looks like my Uncle. The other guy is dead.

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Whatshisface is dead.

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Okay, so technically Carl isn’t dead.

But I find his “stunned vagina” expression to be a real buzz kill.

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**If you’d like to pre-order a copy of my book, just send me an email and I’ll have my agent/mom get back to you.

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*****

Update:  After spending the last 12 hours on a rickety bus driven by a 95 year-old man with cataracts and seated next to an even older man whose gout-ridden hand somehow kept finding it’s way to my upper thigh (karma’s a bitch), I discovered my blog has been nominated for an award in the Canadian blogger category.

Now, normally when it comes to these things I would tell you to listen to your heart, but if being physically violated by a geriatric tells you anything, it’s that I’m obviously worthy of this honor.

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Comments

  1. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

  2. That was hilarious. There are a lot of dead people in Mexico.

    I voted for you on the Bloggies just yesterday. Good luck.

    • I’m not a Geographysicistor (sp?), but I think it might have something to do with the heat.
      Now that I’m at a higher altitude, the dead people seem to be few and far between.

      Thanks for the vote, Brett!

  3. You seemed to be around a lot when people were found dead? So was Jessica Fletcher.

    You deserve to win, you’re awesome.

    • Thanks, Joe.

      Funny you should mention Jessica Fletcher, when I was young I desperately wanted her to adopt me. It was because of her that I started “The Bloodhound Gang,” enlisting the kids in my neighborhood to solve mysteries like “Who’s That Kid Hogging The Good Swing At The Park?” and “Bloodsport: The Case of The Dead Bird On Our Lawn”.

      • She would have murdered you too, her nephew would have been accused initially and she would have got him off the charge and blamed it on the jealous ex-business partner of someone, just as she was chucking her DNA covered gloves onto a bonfire.

  4. I’ve been physically violated by a geriatric on numerous occasions, but it makes for good blog fodder. As for your “late” friends, I have to tell you that I think they’re just “planking.” Perhaps the cessation of actual respiration is just the Mexican version?

    • I don’t mind being violated by geriatrics (After working at a fitness club for old rich men for 4 years I probably would’ve taken it personally had he not groped me), my issue is when they don’t call after. It makes me feel used.

      You might be right about my friends. I mean, the Spanish language is somewhat backwards when you compare it to English, so it would make sense that they would use the reverse-plank position. And who knows how long Mexicans can hold their breath for? Maybe Hank and Mr. Eyesore are the only ones who are actually dead.

      …Er, I’m analyzing this too much, aren’t I?

  5. The heat seems to be killing a bunch of people over in Mexico.

    Either that or you’re a serial killer. And if the latter is the case, I would like to recommend you NOT add me to my roster because I’m a big complainer and I will probably complain so much you’ll go crazy before you actually get to kill me. Plus, I watch a lot of Criminal Minds so I know all your tricks.

    • All I’ve done since I’ve been here is watch CSI and Criminal Minds. Did you watch the episode where that guy locked those three girls in a cave and said they had to pick which one died? I’ve seen it before, and still it freaked me out so much that I didn’t leave my hotel room after 4pm.
      Except on weekends, which didn’t count because everyone knows that serial killers don’t serial kill on weekends.

  6. With Carl staring you down like he is, in combination with the scary bus driver, I’m surprised YOU aren’t dead!

    Poor amigos.

  7. I don’t know if someone who’s been on a killing spree in Mexico for months should be the Best Canadian Blog. But, I voted for you anyway because I don’t want to die.

  8. LOL – and I HATE writing LOL, but I had to, under the honor code of the Knights of Vodka (very secretive group, can’t tell you anymore, other than you can’t smell us.) I can tell you we like a good afternoon siesta though.

    • I feel the same way! What is it about typing LOL that makes me want to throw my computer at the wall, have it ricochet back at my head at phenomenal speeds (only because I’m a really good thrower) and wind up being dead?

      ps. Trust me, I can smell you. For my entire twenties, Vodka Knights were the only nights I had…

  9. Thats “Juan” lucky old man! *SEEWHATIDIDTHERE?!*

    miss ya muchly, b ;)

    -Rick

    • Rick! I miss you, too! I Juan you to come back, the internet isn’t as fun Juan you’re not around. *SEEWHATIDIDTHERE?! TWICE?!*

      But seriously, though. It’s not.

  10. Becky, I was going to ask you to kayak with me on my next trip, but I would probably end up dead. Just in case, I’ll go vote for you.

    • No! Seriously, let’s go! I promise to keep my Chuck Norris-Like killing hands on my side of the kayak. Or else use them to kill our dinner. …Do you like black bear?

      Thanks for the vote, BTBNL!

  11. Sometimes I wish I didn’t find you so funny, because I find myself laughing at things like death and “obviously blind” people.
    On a side note, my hair is really greasy and I need a shower.

    • Ha! My hair is really greasy and I need a shower too.
      But to be fair, I was somehow conned into staying at a hippie/raver hostel and here it’s the style…

  12. I look forward to the chapters on Russia (All my Comrades are Dead) and Canada (All the Canucks are Dead, Eh?).

    • Haha! Now I have to go to Russia just so that chapter can come to fruition. Thankfully I have more than enough photos for the Canadian chapter already. (Technically they aren’t dead, but after a few double vodka paralyzers you can’t tell the difference.)

  13. At least they’re training people to resuscitate dummies down there in Mexico. That puts their health care system way above ours. But I have to wonder about the death rate. It’s nothing to sneeze at. How do we know they aren’t suicides caused by the extreme heat and poor choice of soda pop flavors?

    I’m particularly intrigued by the whole “coming-of-age erotica meets sci-fi thriller” theme, which in your hands must be extra dreamy. Please add me to the pre-order list.

    • Good point, Dave. Though I tend to think it might have something to do with their lack of preservatives. I mean, how’s a girl supposed to eat the banana she miraculously found in her bag a week after buying it if it hasn’t been well preserved beforehand? And people wonder why I tell them that my life is so hard…

      You’re first–and last!-on the list.

  14. So crazy that a dead dude and your uncle look-alike end up in the same picture. Kinda seems like fate. Also, that kid on the floor is freaking priceless.

    Love it! If you’re interested in a review…let me know. I’d be honored!

    • I know! I didn’t mention this part, but my Uncle also drives a green car!!

      …!!!

      …!

      …?
      Okay, well it’s an off-green. Almost gray. And it’s a bike. But still.

      It’s definitely fate. There’s really no other way to explain it.

  15. congratulations on the nomination…. well deserved!!

    P.S. Are bubble skirts back in? Because the thought of seeing that electric blue one on the streets made me want to lie down and die too

    • Nursey do you mind if I piggyback congrats for b’s nomination on top of yours? Thanks you are so kind.

      Congratulations B! Well deserved indeed!

    • Thanks Nursie/David!

      Trust me, Nursie…your eyes would never survive some of the fashion here…most of it worn by foreigners. *think bedazzled fanny pack*

  16. I think it’s just a really really bad case of Montezuma’s revenge. Like a deadly one. If I were you, I wouldn’t drink the . . . well, you know.

  17. I love it… Sounds like great literature to me.

  18. Congrats on the nomination. I will vote a lot of times for you and totally defraud this bitch.

    Also, RIP Juan. But it’s like they say, “You Juan some, you lose some.”

    (I’m not sure who they are. Probably Latinos?)

  19. Oh my goodness. Words cannot explain how I feel the love for you, Wildcard. Don’t Ever stop doing what you do.

  20. Love the photos. Why do I always want to use the word “scared” when I come to your website? So excited you are writing a book, unless that’s a joke too. I have yet to click on that link.

    • Not sure why you’re scared, because my last job required me to be proficient at “internet surfing” and “nothing”, I make it a point to keep the bad pics hidden behind either thinly veiled warnings or Hello Kitty stickers.

  21. Alternate title to this post: I See Dead People. Your next trip should be India. I bet you could get lots of pictures on the banks of the Ganges.

    Congrats on your nomination! You are most-deserving!

    • I was totally going to call it ‘I See Dead People’! Mostly because I didn’t want to get “James Frey’d” for calling these guys my friends. I would love to go to the Ganges…unfortunately because I’m such a picky eater, I’m afraid that if I went to India I would be the one who would end up dead.

      Thanks CS!

  22. It’s so long between posts anymore that at times I think you are dead.

    • HA! Don’t sass, Bearman. You try blogging on a half-fried computer in a town where the internet is so slow that it takes fifteen minutes to post a comment, let alone an entire post.

      Also, being drunk doesn’t help matters…

  23. And I thought “People were dying to go to Mexico” was just a saying. As a precaution, I will no longer play Beatles songs backwards.

  24. missuswoman says:

    This made me laugh so much! I rather want to go to Mexico now. Not to see all the dead people but just because it looks so peaceful…

  25. Simply histerical!!!
    I am mexican and believe me I completely enjoyed every second of your post. I found your blog through a friend and I have to catch up and I deeply enjoy it.

    Please feel free to stop at mine. I have just started a new blog in my adopted hometown of Montreal, hope you enjoy it.

    http://www.allomontreal.wordpress.com

    Best!

    • Thanks, allomontreal. Not that this has anything to do with anything, but Montreal is one of my favorite “Never been before but desperately want to go to” places.

  26. ha-so funny-just found your blog-but i am going to vote for it!robyn

  27. I thoroughly enjoy picture books. Excellent.

  28. elizabeth3hersh says:

    I’m still trying to figure out how to say ‘mazel tov’ in Español for the richly deserved blogging award nomination bschooled (until I figure it out, an old-fashioned congrats will have to suffice!!). How do we know this is not just narcolepsy run amok? I suppose we could superimpose the head of any member of Congress ‘Babe style’ and get the same ‘taking siesta to an extreme’ results. Keep up the good work bschooled and I hope you win that award! :-)

    • E!!
      I could be wrong, but I think it’s “tov mazelada”. At least that’s how I’ve been saying it!

      Funny you should mention it, “taking siestas to the extreme” is my other forte.

  29. Dead Homies! Love it!

    I’m most sad about the guy in the banana hammock dying. I love man panties.

  30. B, I think the expression on Carl’s face is less “stunned vag” and more….inquisitive. It’s more like… He just poured himself a glass of lemonade and turned around to find Chris Hanson asking him to sit and chat. or he’s asking, Do these backpack straps make me look fat? or Are you sure these shorts look ok? Should I pull them up a little more? No?

    …And why is he wearing a kid’s backpack anyway? Did he jack that dead kid while shopping for a new outfit? …. hmmmmm?

    • You bring up many good points, Rod, most notably the one involving Chris Hansen. Maybe he thought I was going to say “Why don’t you have a seat over here on this vegetable crate.” (If Carl had a nickel-converted into pesos-for every time he heard that one!)

      Oh, it’s a kid’s backpack…that makes way more sense. I thought he had strap-on prosthetic arms…

  31. If I had to describe myself in seventeen words it would be “patient, horny, not self-involved, practically hairless, avid gamer, recovering mormon, with a pocket full of kryptonite and nostalgia for bad 90’s music.”

  32. I can’t wait to get my hands on it once you’re done.

  33. *snort* just found you through the blog awards, and after this post, I should definitely look around some more. I was feeling quite dead before I read this. still dead but smiling now. ;)

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