Embracing Your Inner-Tween (Angst)

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Comments

  1. ROFL!

  2. F*ck a duck. I’m BAWLING over here. And not over Nick Jonas. You are hilarious. Must. Share. To. Facebook. Now.
    I mean…. ppl nede to now bout the Joans bros and jst makin convoy or the will be stoopid ferever and dye.
    (My favorite part of that was my sneaky C.W. McCall reference)

  3. Wow. There was an election last week and I didn’t vote. Now I’m worried I may have missed out on voting against the “Diabetes is a Jail-able Offense” law. Nick needs a safe place to go so he can live free.

  4. Dearest B,

    You are an effing genius. But you shouldn’t joke about diabetes. It’s rilly, rilly serious.
    But I still love you.
    Also, Kevin Jonas looks like a scrunchy-faced poodle.

    Love M. x

    • Oh, M, my love! You know I would never make fun of diabetes.

      I only make fun of 11 year olds who post comments on The Jonas Brothers’ Youtube channel like (and I quote) “Not to brag or NEthing, but I have a friend who has dyabetis.”

  5. Oh no!! If Nick Jonas can be a victim of dieting, noone is safe!! Is there a petition we can sign to prevent this?

    I haz teh sadz. Fur relz. :(

  6. Do you realize that, more often than not, I don’t leave a comment on your post because I realize how pale my attempts at humor are in comparison?

    #justsayin

  7. Who’s Nick Jonas?

    • I’m not entirely sure. But whoever he is he better watch out, because according to a reliable online source, Justin Bieber wants to punch him.

      • You blog about them so much I actually had to google them. Where is The Bieb? I’d like to punch him and take all his money!! I know it’s wrong but I really want to do that.

  8. bschooled, you perspire me!! died beets r so gross!! good for wait loss tho. #savenickjonasfromfatness <3

  9. Who ARE you, woman?

    Just the funniest, most wittiest person on the planet. That’s who.

    This should be on Reddit or some shit. IT SHOULD BE A MEME. Stat.

    • Ha! That’s exactly what I tell my friends when they roll their eyes at my jokes. Some people just don’t know how to LOL. It’s sad, really.

      I wonder if I could get Nick Jonas to post this on his neopets account. Then it would turn into a meme for sure!!

  10. So so good!

    • Or, as I like to say, “So bad it’s good, then it’s bad again. Then good.”

      I’m trying to patent that saying, actually. (Fingers crossed!)

      • I was thinking about patents reseraching Ina Garten, and was shocked to see she has patented “How easy is that” You can’t just patent everyday sayings surely?

        Yours would pass but’how easy is that’ is dubious. I think she patented the statement “How easy is that!” But not the question “How easy is that?”

        She should have patented “How rich am I?”

  11. Dorothy looks good for 67

  12. That is too funny!

    • Thanks, Hobbler. Really, the only sad part is how much time I actually spend entertaining myself on these tween-friendly comment-threads.

      Thank goodness Dateline doesn’t do a show called “To Catch a Mocker.” Otherwise I’d be pwn’d…

  13. Sometimes reconnecting is not the best idea.

  14. After I saw one of those Jonas brothers on Smash, I was thinking, “What the hell is the world coming to?” No one needs to see a Jonas brother on prime time!

    • I’m so glad they didn’t have internet/teen pop stars on prime time when I was young. I can only imagine how humiliating it would be for me to read old comments like, “OMG JOEY MCINTYRE IS GUEST STARRING ON MELROSE PLACE! I can’t stop balling tears!!!”

  15. This sh*t made me laugh so loud I was required to send it to my boss and half the staff.

  16. Is it true that all the pictures are of English teachers?

  17. You are clearly unhinged, but that’s my kind of unhinged. Oddly, I saw an 80 year old man with man boobs stripping off a wetsuit that looked just like Nick Jonas in like 2070.

  18. These all make me feel bad for humanity, because you know each of those statements are real.

    /facepalm

    • To be fair, I only know because I trolled tween-friendly fan sites and found them.
      Otherwise, knowing me I would probably would have been suspicious.

  19. This is one of the most disturbing posts of yours that I’ve ever read. Are you OK?

  20. I’m totes crying b/c Nick Jonas is in prison for standing up for diebetus. This is all Nobamas fault.

    Here thanks to the genius that is Alone With Cats. For which I will ever thank her.

    • i no, rite! Nobama makes me ball tears. Like, reel ones.

      She really is a genius, isn’t she? If I knew how to do the heart emoticon thingy, I would use it every time I typed the words “Alone With Cats”. (Which would be a lot…!)

  21. It’s sad to hear that Nick Jonas is dieing. The Jonas brothers and there fans must be devestated. PUT DOWN THAT DING DONG NICK JONAS!!!!!

  22. Like OMG! I musta been livin’ in a bubble! I had no idea my beloved Nick Jonas was dieting while in jail and contracted dyeabetes. I must try to become his pen pal.

    He is mine ladies…back off.

  23. OMG, this is hilarious and I so want whatever it is that you’re taking in order to make this sh!t up. This is great but I’m afraid you may be in need of some serious help B. xo

    • Serious help. Like, Self-Intervention leading to me blocking my computer from being able to access all sites geared toward the 12-24 year-old demographic help.

  24. I think Abject Man in Shirt Stock Photo is actually quoting an old Robert Johnson blues track, but I can’t be sure as I never got that deal with the devil finalized. (I did get to the crossroads, but I showed up closer to 1 am than midnight, and the devil apparently values punctuality above all else. No soul sold, but I am tormented by night terrors 3-5 nights a week. So, there’s that.)

    The Johnson track has been covered by everyone from the Doors to Raffi, with each band providing its own translation of the lyrics, which has allowed them to claim it as an “original” and thus further shaft the thoroughly dead (and thoroughly shafted) Robert Johnson.

    Here’s how the original goes:

    [To the tune of every old blues tune ever — say the Doors “Been Down So Long”]

    [Although I prefer this version.]

    Robert Johnson – Balled All My Tears
    Originally recorded in ca. a long fucking time ago.

    I’ve balled all the tears I have
    I ain’t gonna ball my tears no more
    I’ve balled all the tears I have
    I ain’t gonna ball my tears no more
    [Note: this repeats for about for another 32 bars]

    [brief guitar interlude while Johnson shows off the skillz the devil gave him in exchange for his eternal soul — I know, right? The devil got screwed!]

    I won’t hold you in my arms
    I ain’t gonna take yo pain
    I won’t hold you in my arms
    I ain’t gonna take yo pain

    [continues this way for about 12 {awesome!} bars before switching things up with this line, which is delivered as a one-two punch, with all the instruments going silent between punch one and two and returning full-force after the second line:]

    With all your nonsense talk of glucose
    [silence]
    Girl, you drivin’ me insane

    [then all the instruments sort of wig out for a bit and then the tempo shifts to a faster pace, with Johnson doing a little call-and-response with the backup musicians, shouting out stuff like:]

    Not gon’ die
    (Not gon’ die)
    Not gon’ jail
    (Not gon’ jail)
    Not gon’ cry
    (Not gon’ cry)
    Not gon’ jail

    [This continues for a few more bars before Johnson abruptly decides the tune is over, saying something low and unintelligible about blood sugar levels as the band plays the hell out of everything for about 30 escalating seconds.]

    Fun fact: other covers of this groundbreaking blues tune include “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” by Drowning Pool and “Je Suis Venu Te Dire” by Serge Gainsbourg.

    • You know what would be awesome??.. If Nick Jonas would cover these tunes….like in between diebetis treatments….an he could be all like

      My blood sugar been down so long yo!
      Imma die without some juice……

      jus sayn……

    • So much awesomeness I can hardly stand it! Which is why I’m lying on my couch. (Also, I’m lazy.)
      I think Rod’s idea is fantastic, the perfect way for the Jonas Brothers to branch out from their usual tracks like “I don’t know because I’ve never actually heard one of their songs.”

      While I do appreciate Robert’s determination to never ball another tear again, I myself prefer Raffi’s version:

      I’ve answered my banana phone for the last time
      I ain’t gonna answer no more
      Nobody ever on the other end anyway
      I ain’t gonna answer no more
      [Note: this repeats for about for another 6,978 bars]

      [brief guitar interlude while Raffi answers his banana phone]

      I won’t answer it
      I ain’t gonna do that
      I won’t look like a fool again
      Okay, maybe one more time

      [answers banana phone 24 more times before switching things up to a zucchini:]

      Not gon’ answer my banana phone
      (Not gon’ do it)
      Not gon’ brush my teeth
      (Not gon’ do it)
      Not gon’ talk ’bout baby beluga whales

  25. elizabeth3hersh says:

    One of your funniest posts…just got a glimpse of 2052…almost glad I won’t be around to enjoy it.

    • Maybe you and I will be reincarnated as sisters, and we can lament the weight-loss struggles of the Jonas Brothers son’s tribute Band, “Brothers From Another Jonas Mother.”

      Just promise you’ll at least think about it.

  26. I don’t know who Nick Jonas is either (though I’ve heard the name), yet this post still cracks me up–which is a mark of a truly good post!

  27. Loved this.

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