Love Bites. Literally.


So as you may or may not recall, I recently made the heartbreaking decision to defriend myself on Facebook.

Because I am resilient, I didn’t take it personally. After scrutinizing my friends list to figure out exactly who this bitch actually was, I just rolled my eyes, said “Oh, well, my loss anyway” and moved on.

But since arranged marriage isn’t what it used to be and it’s really hard to meet quality men at the bar (you know, the fleshy antisocial types who write senseless metaphor-infused poems and use chauvinist sexual references to make every lady they message feel like “the dirtiest girl in the world”), I temporarily added myself back in the hopes of creeping my way to my future soul mate.
































To find out more about why I haven’t been snatched up by my cutie McCamel toes yet, click here to read my interview with the “Libidinous Lust-Laden Lorelei Lurking Lavisciously onLine*, Feryx Lim.

*That’s Courtney Stodden speak for “hilarious”.



  1. Girl, you are such a Cutie McMofohilarious.

  2. At this rate you will have men lining up at your door. Who wouldn’t fall in love at first sight with cutie McSkinTag Pits or cutie McStunnedVagina expression?!? Get ready to be stalked. So hot!

    • I know, right? I’m going to have to start calling myself cutie McTakeaNumber,Fellas face, or cutie McMyHousekeyIsUnderTheDoormat face.

      Then again, it’s not like I want them to think that I’m picky or anything.

      (Really, it’s a fine line…)

  3. I would probably stay away from any guy who has a white van as his profile pic. Oh, and I agree with Invisible Mikey.

    • I thought so too, but then I thought that maybe a real man is comfortable in his own creepy skin and doesn’t need to conform to society’s belief that if a guy wants to get laid he shouldn’t pass himself off as a recurring offender on Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator”.

      But maybe I’m just over thinking it.

  4. This is a genius idea! I don’t know why you are still so alone and single.

    But on a serious note…This is wickedly hilarious

  5. I’m glad to see I’m not the only girl with the majority of her nicknames revolving around her vagina and inability to properly clean herself.

    I might be projecting about that last part. Please let me project.

    • Please, feel free! Honestly, if not for my God given talent for projecting unto others, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

      Which, oddly enough, happens to be lying on my couch, drinking vodka out of a paper bag and wondering why my projectees have so many issues.

      (Not to brag or anything.)

  6. kerrylee777 says:

    Ha! I loved the last 2 the most-est!

  7. You’re meeting some quality guys, and that’s what’s important.



  8. Oooohhh…gracious. This is the funniest thing I’ve read today. Thank you. You may have single-handedly rescued my day from the crapper.

    • Any time, Melanie. Like I always say, “If you love somebody, set them free. Or, post their Facebook comments on your blog in the hopes that maybe others will appreciate them as much as you do…”

  9. I agree with you, it’s really important to know if someone really bites or not, particularly if you are trying to help bathe them.

  10. Dammit. I thought I was cutie McNeedy.

  11. Sorry to tell ya iuts not a drink.

    But iuts bout time we played dick tug of war.

    • lol…but seriously though, I’ll have to take a raincheck.
      only because I can;t afford the genitalia-attachment surgery until the child support kicks in.

  12. I read this earlier this afternoon and laughed so hard I spit tea all over my keyboard. Fortunately it was my work keyboard so no great loss.
    “Depends.” Dude, I don’t know how you do it, but you so it so fine.

    • Oh, M…how many times have I told you not to worry about company-provided machines? That’s why they have IT guys.

      ps. No matter how fine I do it, you’ll always do it finer.

  13. Seriously? There are no words. ….Yet. :-(

  14. Damn child support always ruining the quality of my everything. I blame the kids. Always. Yesterday I didn’t have a shower so I said it was my kids fault. I mean who else would stop me from practicing the hygienes?

    • Agreed. If it wasn’t for kids,we wouldn’t have to worry about things like utility bills or grocery shopping or paying for a babysitter so you can do the walk of shame without feelings of shame.

      Really, the only upside is being able to use the car-pool lane.

  15. You’re an artist, and Facebook is your canvas.

    • Doc! That’s what I always say! I think the fact that I don’t even need a paintbrush or those pastel thingys is even MORE a testament to my artistic-abilities.

      I mean, not to brag or anything.

  16. Bathing Assistance what is he 90?

    Also you are doing a terrible job these days of fulling blocking out their last names..haha

    • HAHAHA! Maybe he’s just got a broader back than most people.

      Did you ever stop to think that maybe I wasn’t actually trying to block their last names? Maybe I was trying to draw attention to them with a dark-colored highlighter. (I wasn’t, but you don’t know that…)

  17. How on earth did you not snatch that Steve right up?? I mean, with a rape van as his profile pic, you know he’s a good time. Plus, he might bite you while bathing him? Yee-haw, hot stuff! Hey, if you don’t want him, can you give him my number? Thanks.


    Cutie McFoonkle Feet

    • I know! Just think…all the free candy I could have eaten while at the same time wearing restraints…

      Unfortunately I can’t get a hold of him because they recently “blocked” me from the group. It’s probably for the best, if I was able to access his page I’d probably spend all my free time trying to win him back…

  18. This is still my favorite thing that you do. The sexy talk, I mean.

  19. Have you heard from Liana on Steve’s thread since? What are the odds she ended up in the back of that van against her will?

  20. I require bathing instructions and also those for the pc. Cute ladiez what’s up.

  21. When you find a guy on FB who actually knows the meaning of the word ‘protuberance’ without looking it up, let me know. Until then, I’ll have a vodka soda and try to get the phrase “McSkin Tag Pits” out of my psyche. I think I need therapy.

  22. Love and all over bathing assistance are so hard to find. It’s a jungle out there. People are all, “You’ll find love and all over bathing assistance when you least expect it.” And I’m like, “Bitch, please. I won’t stop searching Craigslist until I get what I want — a sponge bath at least three times a week.”

  23. I would send you a pic of me wearing wife-beaters, but I’m not married so I can’t wear them.

  24. Ha. I will call you Cutie McInteresting Face if you want.

  25. There is a virtual stud stable of dudes. If any one of these pans out, you got 2 tickets to pound-town coming your way. I’m cheering for the guy with the Pee Wee pic because he’s probably a chronic masturbator and could use the lay. Best of luck! This was another fun read.

    • Thanks, Dr. Ken! Normally Pee Wee guy would be my first choice as well (I mean, obviously), but, well, I don’t know. I guess I must be getting older, because the idea of a guy with a set of wheels and lax standards when it comes to his lady’s hygiene is suddenly a real turn-on to me…

  26. I bet Steve and Liana will be very happy together.

    • Steve: Can I see your tits?
      Liana: Hello. How are you?
      Steve: I said…show me your tits!
      Liana: I am pleasured to make your acquaintance.
      Steve: Are you gonna show me your tits or what?
      Liana: Very well, and you?
      Steve: Do you not speak English or something?
      Liana: ….Hello. How are you?

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