*I apologize for my absence from the blogosphere. Due to a mild case of Bronchitis-turned-Pneumonia-turned-Tuberculosis with Smallpox-ish like tendencies Black Lung Disease, I’ve spent the last week or lying in the fetal position, expanding on my now impressive collection (if I do say so myself) of terminal illness-related bed sores.
*****
The Insomnia Games- Game #1
I like to call this game, “After 24 Hours Of No Sleep, Come To The Realization That The Key To Self-Validation Is Being The Best Answerer Of Questions Posted On Yahoo.”
Players: 1
Objective: Keep answering questions until either a) yours is declared “Best Answer”, or b) you are blocked from the site.
Rules: None, really.
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Round 1-
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Round 2-
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Round 3-
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Round 4-
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Round 5-
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Final Round-
**And THIS is why you should never give up. (Even if they threaten to delete your account for abusing the site and having absolutely nothing of value to add to the discussion.)
And finally
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Just Making Convo 
I love the zaniness over there! LOL
I never thought I’d say this, but the questions asked by the video gamer nerds/hardcore trekkies are even zanier…
Second place? You should have won that one, missy! I mean, when else are those stalker skills gonna pay off? (And I always suspected about his testicles. Thanks for the confirmation).
Can I site your answers in my next research paper?
Of course! Er, unless you’re researching developmentally-delayed adults who have nothing better to do with their time than troll internet forums and give unrelated advice on topics they know nothing about.
(In which case, I’ll have to think about it first.)
I think the fix was in. How could you have not won round 3?
I know, right? It’s like these Yahoo members are free beats to rap on distributor racists or something.
I feel like I should go ask if it is true what I read about Justin Bieber having undefended testicles. I read it on the internet so it is probably true.
Undefended? That’s even funnier than undescended
Actually, I read somewhere that he had “undefriended” testicles.
Which I guess is a good thing?
The chicken one made me cluck with laughter
The last one, I guarantee she is going to go on a tirade about the reason for even having to write this comparison because of you.
I would pay big money to see you cluck. Like, five whole dollars or something crazy like that.
I hope she cites me in her footnotes! (Only because I’ve always wanted to be cited in a footnote.)
I just wrote your name on the bottom of my foot.
Sweet! Now I can call myself BSoled.
(To be fair, I was going to do that anyway.)
Now you sound like a Blues Singer
Yahoo Answers needs more of your answers! Shame on Scott for spamming his college-paper website!
Shame on Scott for using Yahoo answers to show off about the fact that he went to College!
Descended. Crap.
Don’t beat yourself up over it…
You so owned that last answer. Fuck Scott!
Yeah! Go away nerd boy!
you fucking kill me.
Sadly, I’m pretty sure I also killed a third of my brain cells on this post alone.
Congratulations and I think I have a new pastime now.
It really is a great way to pass the time while also feeling like you are doing your part…
So the beats are free, but the membership costs money. That’s how they get you.
And it’s very interesting to know you and Selena Gomez are both fans of extra pickles.
I actually think we might be related.
At least that would explain my predilection for younger men with undescended testicles…
Ah… Yahoo! Answers. (The exclamation point stands for “wtf-ness”.) I remember an aged gentleman who used to troll the depths of Y!A, treating badly worded queries to a page-and-a-half of fractured good ol’ days nostalgia and misremembered M*A*S*H* storylines. And then one day, he just stopped… and left without much more than doffing his hat and emptying his pipe on the proverbial carpet. I wonder where he is now… (Probably half-assing his way towards some sort of e-book compilation to be released within this millenium…)
But enough about him. He’s had his say and moved on to wherever it is that old avatars go to retire. This is the new school (like your name!) and as such, is taking the easily-abused Y!A system to unforeseen heights and new depths that web advertisers have only seen in their most fevered dreams, brought on by reading too much of their own press and attempting to recombobulate their headspace after viewing this particular version of the Mad Men opening credits.
The lesson (and there are many, but I’m only picking one — well, maybe two, if one of them is “Puns Are Internet Humour Gold”) here is: “Never give up on your dreams, even if your dreams put you on the receiving end of a lifetime ban from Yahoo!’s overly-aggressive moderating team, most of which are probably hastily padding resumes and filling out applications at Monster.com, seeing as Yahoo!’s former death grip on the ‘internet portal’ business is slipping, making it much more of a ‘dying grip’ than an actual metaphor for ‘that shit is tight, yo.'” True, it’s a long lesson, but it’s a worthwhile lesson, one that I hope we can all learn by proxy. (Speaking of proxies, once you get banned, just fire up a new account through one of those. If you have questions on how to set up a proxy, you know where to ask, [Note: this is not the same thing as saying, “You know where you’ll find the answer.” Because, as Magic-Paper-8-Ball would say, “Answer unclear. Ask again later.”]
Thanks for the LOLS, bea. I’m looking forward to the upcoming episodes of “Bschooled Gets Kicked Off The Web.”
P.S. Datpiff is a totally legit answer.
Ahhh..how I miss that random association-gifted aged man. In my opinion, an e-book wouldn’t do his talent for being able to relate to the younger generation justice. Then again, being an aged man and all, time is obviously not on his side.
Um, wow…recombobulate, indeed…!
You’ll be happy (for lack of a more “appropriate yet offensive to myself” word) to know that I have three Yahoo accounts on the backburner, just in case. I mean sure, they all have different names (“B. Schooled, Bee Schooled, and my personal favorite, “Bea Skool’d”), but they still boast those same amber-tinted glasses that I’ve become accustomed to over the years. Not to mention timeless watch…(literally).
What’s my point? Good question. I’ll have to ask my Magic Paper 8-ball sculpture and get back to you…
ps. Thanks for the edumacation re:Datpiff. If only because I now have another place to promote my “free beats to rap on” warehouse …
most of the time those answers don’t make any fucking sense… like the alien one.
I know! Since when is “a lot of crime” and “grooving to funky rhythms” funny?
Really, at some point, it’s like picking on the kids that rode the short bus to school. Even so, I laughed until I snorted which means I am probably going to hell. You had me at Bea’s Free Beats for Rappers.
I agree. Like I always say, there’s a fine line between compassion and ridicule…
Fortunately, I’ve been able to remain oblivious as to where that line actually is.
Someone should put that rapper in touch with Chris Brown. I hear he gave Rihanna some free beats.
That Chris Brown really is a giver, isn’t he?
He probably charges too high a commission fee…
Someone should put that rapper in touch with Chris Brown. I hear he gave free beats to Rihanna.
I heard that too…and I live all the way in Canada!
Should I post that comment three times? I obviously want to make extra sure you see it.
I’d appreciate it if you would. Only because I live all the way in Canada…
This is really amazing.
I got into it once on Yahoo! Answers with some douche bag who disagreed with me on what to feed my pet pterodactyl. As if I don’t really have one or something.
I swear, some people are so pretentious. It’s like they think that just because dinosaurs are extinct that means you can’t own a pterodactyl as a pet or something.
It’s pretty racist, if you ask me.
Your poultry answer was hands down my favorite.
Not to brag or anything, but that answer was 100% organic.
(…???)
Yahoo! Answers doesn’t make sense. Isn’t this Yahoo! Questions? Shouldn’t Yahoo! Answers be a place where you provide an answer and someone sees if it fits their question?
I have plenty ot totally awesome answers waiting for the right question. Among them:
“The Color Purple”
“Anti-penultimate”
“October 16, 1996” and
“It’s on the bottom shelf next to the steel drums.”
JMC:
Somehow, I became anonymous in replying on Aprill 22nd at 7:49 am.
At least I know WHEN I became anonymous.
Curmudgeon-at-Large
Ha! I love these answers.
I’m going to use “On the bottom shelf next to the steel drums” from now on. But instead of steel drums I’m going to say “old timey banjo”. Only because I don’t have steel drums.
Honestly, If I was a teacher and someone used all of those comments as a conclusion, I would weep for joy. OMG OMG OMG
I know, right? Not only that, I truly believe that by using my answers, she will be demonstrating her ability to be an independent thinker.
Who gets assigned an essay comparing a book and the movie? If that’s what teachers are teaching students today, it only reinforces my decision to undermine my children’s teachers at every step.
That kid is so cut and pasting your response for her conclusion. And failing the course. Love it!
I like to think I’m just doing my part to keep the job of “Walmart Greeter” from becoming extinct…
(…?)
Nothing to add of value?! It’s those kind of responses that make me read that stuff at all! That and my husband, who always answers questions in an unhelpful way. Ex) Does trout taste fishy? (he works as a chef) His answer: Does a fish taste like fish? No, not at all. It tastes JUST like Doritos.
Ha!
Maybe it’s just me, but I find that ranch flavored Doritos do leave a certain sea dweller-like aftertaste in my mouth…
I have you to blame for the ongoing pun-ness on my facebook…. I posted what I thought was the most hilarious picture of the lot, and look what happened:
HA!! Hilarious!!!
Seriously, though….I can’t believe I didn’t think of staging a coop…
Bschool….I think post goes in wavelengths..sometimes i just read blogs and sometimes i write and dont read….either way i keep up with most of them yours as you can see is at the top of my blogroll…so i am always watching for the lastest adventures of the bookmobile or whatever you are cooking( the rock said that)……loll…zman sends
Professor Brown once said, “there are, in fact, stupid questions and stupid answers”. But I think you’ve done a fine job of proving him wrong.
Also, be careful with those terminal illnesses, they can really get you down…. Like a down comforter…like, you know, from a goose…or duck…or…shit. You totally own the pun Olympics.