Love is a many splendored thing. I should know, because I was in it.
For those of you who don’t know, I recently fell in love with a man I met online. Trust me when I say that the love Jude81 and I shared was splendored.
But just like any great love story (eg. The Notebook, Serendipity, Fatal Attraction) ours has a beginning, middle and end. (Also a prologue, which you can read here, under the section titled “Poet Turned-ESL Guy”.)
This is how it all began.
Part I: The Beginning
I first met Jude81 unexpectedly one night, when- just like any non-cougar suffering from severe insomnia would do- I joined a dating site for older women seeking younger men.
Almost immediately, my inbox was filled with dozens of messages, all from young, hard-bodied cubs who were sick of dating girls from their own generation and wanted a woman with more life experience*.
*money
Call it fate/an inexplicable fascination with illogical vernacular, but there was one profile in particular that caught my attention:
.
As you can tell from his pic, it obviously wasn’t love at first sight. But after reading his poetic words, I was smitten.
.
.
Over time, our love grew.
Then one day, tragedy struck.
.
**Side Note- Being the modest man that he is, I didn’t find out until later that he actually owns the orphanage (I know I keep bragging about this, but can you blame me? He OWNS his own orphanage!) and that technically it isn’t in London, but rather the US and/or the Ukraine. But we’ll get to that later.
Things went from bad to worse when, shortly before I was to fly out to meet him and the orphans, I received the following message:
Needless to say, what happened next I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, let alone my future husband.
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 26 Jun
Baby,
yah the operation went successful but there is a little problem
The doctor said my chest is too tight that my heart can’t beat normally but is okay.
My love, i must ask a favor. can you help with part of my hospital bills? am very broke and need help.
I love you and hope you love me too.
Hugs & Kisses
Jude
___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 27 Jun
My Love,
I can’t believe they’re making you pay for your hospital bills! The last thing that you need right now is financial stress, you just had a mysterious operation for heaven’s sake!
Of course I will help you. I don’t want to brag, but over the years my company has donated millions of dollars to medical facilities all over the world.
Just give me the phone number of the hospital as well your Doctor’s name and type of operation (I’m assuming some sort of facial reconstruction?), and I will take care of it.
Get Well Soon My Love,
My Love xoxo
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 27 Jun
There is no need my love am done with my operation
the operation was $27,000usd my aunt was able to come up with $19,000usd for the hospital bills am hoping she can get the rest of the money by next week for me to be discharged from the hospital.
i love you
Hugs and kisses,
Jude
___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 30 Jun
Sorry it took baby so long to get back to you.
Your last message inspired me to fly to LA and meet with my plastic surgeon about having some work done. Nothing serious, just a little tightening of certain problem areas.
Anyway, I was thinking that maybe after my labiaplasty surgery I could fly to London for a visit? No hanky panky, of course (the doctor says I have to wear bandages “down there” for 6-8 weeks), but then again we have the rest of our lives for that.
Let me know what you think.
Nobody Puts Me In a Corner,
Baby
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 30 Jun
baby i hope it is nothing serious, i love you so much the apple of my eyes.
baby the orphanage is a little bit rough, do you have anything to assist the orphanage with, am not too financially stable right now.
love you till the end of time
Jude
___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 30 Jun
Don’t worry, my visually unappealing love bug. Your angel baby will be fine.
Nothing would make me happier than to help the orphanage. Tell me, what are orphans into these days? Non-perishable food items? Mops? The soundtrack from the movie Annie? Just tell me what they need and I will take care of it.
Also, please let me know your thoughts on our future living arrangements. I’d tell you to move here, but my parents are extremely judgmental.
They don’t understand how I can be in love with someone I’ve never met and am not attracted to in the slightest.
Loving you for what’s on the inside (only),
Angel Baby Eye Apple
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 1 Jul
Baby why will they be judgmental because we have not seen each other i promise
when am done with this we will be together forever.
No baby that is not what the orphanage children want believe me
next week will be the orphanage 7th aniversary so i need buy some new furniture,clothes,shoes,paint and more. Everything cost worth $55,000
please if you can help but baby if you are not comfortable i will understand.
I love you my Angel.
Lot of Kisses to you
Jude
___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 2 Jul
My family is just old-fashioned. They believe that love is based on deep affection and mutual attraction, not something you just throw away on some random stranger with horrible grammar and a shit-eating grin.
Sigh…parents…what can you do? Still, it’s better than being an orphan. (No offense.)
I would love to help you out, but unfortunately most of my money is tied up in rope. I do have the $10,000 that I was planning to use for my surgery. I’m just worried that something will happen and I’ll never hear from you again.
I know it’s silly, a love like ours transcends borders as well as the gravitational pull of my vulva thanks to my devil-may-care attitude when it comes to fornicating with multiple partners (often simultaneously). But sometimes baby angels feel insecure, you know?
Just promise me that you will still love me no matter how I look below the waist and I’ll believe you.
Really, I know it would be selfish of me to put my vanity/sex appeal before the needs of the orphans.
Forever in (loose fitting) Blue Jeans,
B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 2 Jul
Baby i love you no matter what nothing can change that.
baby what am looking for now is $25,000usd please find a way to get the donation I need the children to feel fresh love remember when you show love to children in need God will bless you abundantly
Hugs & Kisses
Jude
___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 3 Jul
Good news, my unsightly lover! I managed to collect an extra $5,000 for the orphanage! That brings our total to like half a million dollars or something!
I’d ask my family to pitch in the rest, but unfortunately they’re racist against orphans. (My dad thinks orphans just say they have no parents so they can con people into giving them money. It’s an old-fashioned thing.)
I was thinking, why don’t I deliver the money myself? That way the orphans will be able to thank me in person. Not to mention that you and I will finally get to express our love in a non-intimate way. (Only because I still need to work on my genitalia-related insecurities.)
Loving you blindly because it’s the only way I can,
B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 3 Jul
baby do not come now, you will be the biggest guest of the day at the 7th year aniversary that is when you will give the children a speech of hope and love. i have told the children and they are expecting you that day.
queen of my heart the apple of my eyes i love you so baby when will you be sending your donation i will buy lot of lovely clothes,shoes and furniture, for the children
Hugs & Kisses
Jude
___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 4 Jul
Me? The biggest guest? I’ve never given a speech of hope and love to orphans before. I mean, really, how is it even possible?
I know, how about if I write a rough draft and then send it to you for feedback. You know these orphans better than anyone, I mean you’re practically their dad.
I’ll start working on it right away.
Undressing you with my (hemorrhaging) eyes,
queen baby apple of your eyes
*****
Can the orphanage be saved?
Will Jude81 and I be together forever?
Which distended-labia flattering outfit will I wear to the 7th anniversary?
Will my eyes ever stop hemorrhaging?
Find out next time, when I post part 2 of “Hey, Jude.”- A Love Story
Just Making Convo 
“I need the children to feel fresh love” is raising a red flag with me. I’m not sure a reputable orphanage owner would say that. But I’ve also never owned an orphanage so maybe I’m just uninformed.
I think Jude is the one who’s uninformed. Especially if he thinks that any love I have to give would be “fresh”.
I think what you need to do is to adopt all of the children and you and Jude can raise them forever together in Canada/US/Ukraine/London. And I’m sorry, I can’t comment any more. This love story is making me weepy with emotion for you two crazy kids. The love between you is just so real and true.
And sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much . . .
Who said anything about touching?
To quote the infamous(?) band Meatloaf, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.”
The poor children. Maybe he should build an orphange of bricks next time (I assume it was built of straw or sticks) I would like to donate the pile of bricks I have at the back of my garden to start him off, I’m worried about the Fed Ex cost of shipping them though. But if the orphange is really in London (he seems confused) then I can just put the bricks in a carrier bag (I’ll double bag them) and give them to him in person.
I have a better idea…would you mind if the orphans stayed at your place instead? I mean, not permanently or anything. Just a few months (years?) so that Jude and I can work on our relationship.
Also, I don’t want to sound non-maternal, but I find that kids can put a real damper on the honeymoon stage.
Yes, it’ll just be like Annie…I am allowed to train/whip them into singing and dancing? Please suggest it to Jude. I have a spare room and also some space under the stairs and some built in cupboards under the fishtank. Do they eat cat food? I have lots of cat food.
Actually, the whips are for Jude and I. (No reason.) I don’t think they like cat food, but then again what do I know. I lost my maternal instinct when I was 15, in a tragic babysitting accident.
That guy recovers really fast from major surgery. You COULD be talking to Superman. Or perhaps a vampire. Both should probably have better grammar, but that’s just a minor detail…
I hope he’s Superman! Only because I swore I’d never let myself get hurt by a vampire again.
You are super funny! You made me laugh out loud at work (I had to pretend to be coughing).
Thanks, Mike. Though really, I have Jude to thank. Every message he sends me is like a punchline waiting to be corrected, edited, and/or translated.
Loved the clarification of my love (you) vs. my love (him). Please send all my love to the children.
I will. But only if it’s fresh love…
Site for older women, younger men.
His profile says he’s 57.
Just how old ARE you???
Ha! Really, age is just a number.
So what if my number happens to be in the triple digits?
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooo! How dare you leave me with a cliff hanger.
He is in London right? What happened to Universal Healthcare over there? I think he is lying to you. Back away quickly..haha
My thought exactly bearman. I took it a step further and googled orphanages in London. “Jessica Green” asks “Is there an orphanage in London England? I can go to and work for free for a few years so I can invest my love in the kids and share a little bit about Jesus.”
Madeleine (yahoo subscriber) responds “Orphanages don’t exist in the UK….care homes exist but I don’t think anyone there would want to hear nonsense about Jesus.”
Let’s see…if Jude is truly from the UK and you decide to take this relationship further you could get your labiaplasty for FREE and use the surgery money for his ‘care homes!’ Win/win!
Bearman- Like Mariah Carey said, Love takes time. Just be thankful I’m not posting the entire 30,000 word version, complete with enough cheesy “baby” and “love” references to make Barry White roll over in his grave- .
Elizabeth- Ha! Unfortunately I already paid for the labiaplasty (I dare anyone to read my lips now!) I’m not sure if I believe Madelaine. The fact that she doesn’t think anyone would want to “hear nonsense about Jesus” makes me question her sanity.
Barry White is dead?
Barry White is black?
So so wrong. Of course I love all of it. I love the way you blatantly slap him in the face with insults. I love the way you offer (your) love and your promises of hand delivering videos of Annie. I love that you told him that being in the hospital made you get labiaplasty and that he has no fucking clue what that is. It’s a twisted and demented web you weave, Ms. Schooled. You should teach a class about it- right after you return from giving your speech to the orphans, of course.
Thanks, cornfedgirl. I actually thought about taking my skills to the classroom, but I don’t know how many scammers would pay for a course titled “Insults/Orphan-Friendly Videos/Labiaplasty Basics 101”.
Oh queen of my blogging heart, apple of my hemorrhaging eyes, I wait with baited breath for part 2.
It’s coming, curmudgeon. I just need to find a doctor who specializes in ocular blood transfusions first.
I am seething with envy at your new trophy husband-to-be. What a triumph indeed! And such a sensitive soul to boot, you know he would caress the hair right off your head as you lie unconscious in his lap, bleeding from the head wound he gave you for your birthday. Swoon!
Ha! But to be fair, it’s a gift that will last a lifetime…
Bea, this is just plain awesome. It makes me wish I had kept the email exchanges from my last relationship. She was a delightful russian ingenou who wooed me with promises of expertly prepared root vegetables and nightly boom boom. Alas, when I was unable to come up with the funds for her mothers stomach surgery, her love for me grew cold……like a good borscht.
…….wishing you better luck
Rod!!! Has our cyberfriendship taught you nothing? Prepared root vegetables should never be a deciding factor when it comes to dating.
Like my roommate once said, “Make love, not borscht.” (She really did say that. Granted, it’s not like I can hold it against her. Being that she’s an Engineer, humor isn’t her strong suit.)
Ahh, the generous hearts of Ukrainians. Too big for their chests. Words fail me. Him too it appears.
Me three. They say that hindsight is 20/20. But I don’t think anyone has figured out what chestsight is.
Does he have a younger brother ’cause I’m into jail bait and I have a satchel of money that needs laundering. ;)
Ha! If you want, I can take care of it for you. Of course, folding will cost extra.
No. Just no. The last thing you need is to become mom to a bunch of orphans. I mean, really? At your age? Do you even know how clumsy and uncoordinated orphans are? With that saggy labia of yours, one of those brats will trip and get tangled in it for certain.
Good point. IMO, the only thing worse than having a saggy labia is being referred to as my lifelong safe word (aka. “Mommy”).
This clown is one year older than me. I can out-rhyme him with my cerebellum tied behind my back. I think you should go with your dad’s advice. Your dad sounds like a really smart guy. Maybe he has some recommendations regarding your vulva problems. Have you ever thought to ask him?
What!?
Is that too weird?
I’m guessing it would be useless, since he’s not big on answering questions I ask. Especially those written in grammatically-correct English.
Ps. How would a person go about tying their cerebellum behind their back? No reason.
I need you to Newfoundland, and join my friends for a drink. I’m pretty sure the cry-laughter would kill us all. But what a great way to die.
Count me in! Just tell me that Newfies aren’t judgemental when it comes to cankles and I’m there.
Gee, I’m so happy for you guys. Have you written your speech for the orphans yet? I’m sure it will ROCK! Be careful out there, all sorts of weirdos on the internet you know. Can’t wait for part 2!
Let’s just say it’s coming along. Honestly, I had no idea how hard it would be to write a speech about hope and love to orphans without sounding like I’m being facetious.