Maid To Order (Part I of a II Part Love Story)

I like internet dating because I get to make-up sh*t about myself to guys who don’t know any different.

Also, I’m really good at photoshop. Depending on the site, my breast size can go anywhere from a modest B-cup (Sisterwives.net), to a back-brace required FFF-Squared (MILF.com). Since I have a thing illiterate, non-English speaking American-types, it’s important that my assets be visible.

Recently, while looking for someone to fill the void  Ron left in my heart, I came across this ad.

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images-3

Being a single landlocked Canadian woman, I’ve often dreamed of becoming a mail order bride. It’s #4 on my YOLO bucket list (sandwiched between attending a furry convention and dating a guy with an adult diaper fetish.)

When I found out the ad was specifically for men looking for brides overseas, I was disappointed.

But because I’m open-minded, I tweaked my profile and signed up anyway.

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Headline: Rich in Money, Poor in Love

aaaName: Ben Schooled
Age: 52
Marital Status: Widowed
About Me: Wealthy Business Tycoon seeks foreign woman for marriage. Also, I drive a Porsche.
About My Style: Harijuku girl/American tourist fusion
Looking For:  Not picky. (A personality would be nice, but it’s not a deal-breaker or anything.)

*****

Even I was overwhelmed by the response. Within hours, my inbox was flooded with messages from homely-looking foreign women who reeked of desperation.

Like this one:

Headline: Kind, Caring, Honest Man WANTED

fff

Name: Anna
From: Debaltsevo, Ukraine
Looking for: Loyal, honest man. Looks not important.
Age From: 50+

_____________________________________________________________

Worried this nine-iron with the busted face was the same one I saw on an episode of Cellblock 6: Female Lock-Up, I entered her photo into the Google search engine and found this instead:

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Screen Shot 2012-12-13 at 10.35.54 AM copy

**Since beauty contestants don’t like to draw attention to themselves, it makes sense that she’d lie about her name/native country.

Confident that Hana/Ana was the real deal, I decided to give her a chance. (See below)

_____________________________________________________________
From: Anna
To: BenSchooled

Hi Ben!

I’m search for a man who will give his strong shoulder to me and i will response in the same way.

And in case you would like to improve yourself and start living a healthy life, but you don’t know where to start, I’ll gladly help you with that!

If you agree, leave me ur mail  address and i will send you a letter-introduction of myself and pics of course :-)

Kisses,
Anna

_____________________________________________________________
From: BenSchooled
To: Anna

Dear Anna,

While I appreciate your offer,  I’m not looking for a mail order life-coach. And if I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle I’d join Weight Watchers.

But if you’re ever in the market for a wealthy foreigner who lacks both self-awareness and muscle tone, send me a message at bschooled@hotmail.com.

Best,
Ben

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 12 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Hello Ben

Hi  Ben!

Thank-you for the lovely message, it really is so sweet. At  first  I  should tell that my real name is Inna but it happens so that everybody calls me Anna. I’m 30 years old, I hope I’m not too old?

I work in the bar – I’m a barwoman. When I’m free from my main work, I work at the saloon  of  beauty.

Sad side of my life is that I’m an orphan  and my the only close person is my friend who is older than me and she is also orphan. We live in neighbors  cities so from time to time we visit one another.

As you see,  I  have very hectic life’s schedule.  It  is why I came to this Internet. Of course there is also another reason – I’m not interested in local men, they all  love  too  much  their  own  freedom and I seek  family-oriented man who cares about true feelings with his lady.

I hope I’m not too boring for you, Ben :)  Tell me about yourself. I get the intuition that you are great business man, is this correct?

I send you “wink”!
Anna

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 13 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Hello Ben

Anna,

Don’t worry. Even if you were too boring it’s not like I’d say anything. We have the rest of our lives to worry about that.

You really are an enchanting woman. I’m surprised you’re still single?  You’re quite a bit older than the brides I typically order. But as long as you don’t let yourself go after we’re married, I’m willing to overlook that.

As for me, your intuition was right. I am a great business man. I’m also a risk-taker. While other businessmen waste their time trying to predict the future, I’ve gone the opposite route.

The gamble paid off, I now own a chain of Blockbusters and a number of online chat rooms that I sublet to the indigenous people. I let them pay me in platypus skins and wombat claw necklaces.

When it comes to my personal life, I’m quite old-fashioned. I believe that a true gentleman should seen and not smelled, and a lady should trip gracefully, raising her apron slightly and drawing the folds of her gown towards the right side.

Enough about me. I want to know more about you. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to grow up an orphan, you must have some hilarious stories to share.

Love,
Ben

ps. I just realized that if we lived  in Hollywood, our celebrity couple name would be “Benanna”. LOL

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 14 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Dearest Ben

Thanks  for the compliments, i feel that I melt like an ice-cream under sun’s rays:-)

Ben,  how  are  you doing there? How do you enjoy yourself? May be I will find a new interesting hobby for myself which  we  could  share  together  one day may be.

As you know, it is very hectic to work in bar. But from another side I meet many interesting  tourists  They share with me interesting stories and tell me about their places, as I don’t have money for  travel.

Ben, I wish to be clean with you from the beginning. Because I don’t know any English, I use the services of the translation company in my city.  i dont have my own computer at home , i wish to afford one and do the hope that in nearest future my dream will come true.

Wish to hear from you soon,
Anna

ps. I  send  you  some  of  my pictures at my working place, I hope you will like them.

some-beer))) copy copy copy__________________________________________________________________
Date: 16 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Dearest Ben

Anna,

Boy, for someone who doesn’t speak English you sure are a chatty Cathy! LOL (Not that it’s a big deal or anything. I just find long-winded women to be grating on the nerves.)

I’m sure that we will find many hobbies to do together. Do you like to make sandwiches? Since I like to eat sandwiches, perhaps that’s something we can try.

Which reminds me, I should probably ask you how you feel about relocating overseas. I know we just met, but since my current maid’s Visa is about to expire I think it’s best if we discuss it now.

Love,
Ben

ps. Your photos are stunning. I’m assuming you didn’t eat that entire pizza yourself? Given your age, it’s only a matter of time before your metabolism catches up to you. No offense, but as a well-respected businessman I can’t be seen with a salad-dodger wife.

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 17 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Dearest Ben

Hello  dear Ben,

I’m glad that my picture could touched you  and don’t worry, I didn’t eat this pizza by my own, it is too big for  me;-)!

As  for  sandwiches, yes, I like it and i can make it for my beloved man!

About  the  question  of  my moving, I know it is hard question, as I should leave my family, friends  here, but I’ll follow my beloved man  as I know that I’ll be happy with him anywhere!

By the way I’m going to  send  you  my picture in the pool today – will you not mind to see myself in a swimming suit?!

Ben,  what I have noticed is that with your coming into my life,  everything  has  changed  for  me, happiness and luck filled my life!  I feel already so many feelings to  you  and all this has mixed in my head.

Catch my kiss!
Anna

fff.

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 18 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Dearest Ben

Dear Anna,

Thank-you for the lovely photo. I trust the bikini was for my eyes only and not something you’d wear to the beach? Call me old-fashioned, but I like my wife to be a lady on the street and a street walker with a cleaning fetish in the bedroom.

I was thinking, how would you feel about flying out here for a visit? Of course I will take care of all your expenses., all  you need to bring is yourself. Also, a modest wardrobe consisting of a selection of conservative ankle-length skirts and neutral-colored turtlenecks.

Let me know.

Love,
Ben

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 19 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Dearest Ben

How is my darling Ben?

How is my darling Ben?
I’m  sorry  for  making  you  mad  wit my last pictures in the swimming  suit,  I promise that  I  will  wear provocative things only when we stay in private, what do you think?

As  for my coming to you, I would like that much. Sadly, I have been explained at the travel agency that I will need passport to come to your country.  This process will take some weeks and it costs 150$.  I feel very sad, I’m unable to afford this because of my unstable financial position. Ben, dear, I don’t know what to do.

Each day when i go in the bus, I imagine how it will be when we could be together. There is a person who thinks and dreams about you, your warmth all the time and yes, it is me, my darling Ben!

Kisses,
Anna

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 23 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Missing you Ben

Ben!

I have not heard from you,  I hope you received my letter and soon  will  talk  to  me  again.

Ben,  dear,  I  lack  you  and  our communication so much, I hope you will not make me wait for long;-)

Kiss-kiss-kiss you!
Anna

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 24 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Missing you Ben

Anna,

I apologize for my absence. Shortly after our last correspondence, I ended up going to the hospital for surgery. Nothing  too serious, just a standard quintuple heart bypass surgery and valve replacement.

Thankfully my doctor said that as long as limit my cholesterol intake and eat more vegetables (something you’ll want to keep in mind when you arrive), I should make a full recovery.

Now, about your passport. Money should be the least of your problems. You’re marrying me, remember?

I want you to know that I take the husband role seriously. After we’re married you’ll never have to worry about taking the bus again. No wife of mine will be seen on public transit! (Or anywhere in public, for that matter.)

I’m buying you a Porsche. Anytime you need to go out, whether it be for groceries, or to drop off my dry-cleaning, that’s what it’s there for. Obviously you won’t be allowed to drive it, but that doesn’t make the Porsche any less yours.

Anyway, I should probably go. My medication-triggered hand tremors are making it difficult to type.  For now, I’ll leave you with this poem I wrote in the hospital.

Beautiful Anna
Custodian of my heart
And one day my home

Love,
Ben

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 24 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: My Angel

My dear Ben,

All this time I was thinking where are you and now i found out that you were at the hospital!  Ben, I pray God will help us to become together soonest and never stay apart!

My  darling  Ben, I want to thank you that you will support me in my traveling to you. Unfortunately for me 150$ it is a huge sum! I hope that you will be able to send the money soon so I can be with you.

Ben,  sweetie, I am always missing you. I can see me hugging you and you holding me close, because I’m your woman, and you are my man.

Yours, Anna.

anna copy copy_________________________________________________________
Date: 26 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: My Angel

Darling Anna,

I know how you feel. Call it messy-house triggered loneliness, but ever since I was released from the hospital haven’t been able get my mind off you. Throughout the day I find myself asking questions like, “I wonder what Anna is doing now?” and “Does she feel the same way I feel?” and “I hope she knows her way around a kitchen?”

I was thinking, if the doctor says it’s okay why don’t I fly to your country and pick you up myself? That way I could meet your family and help you pack for your trip. (Not that I don’t trust you, of course. I just don’t trust the female intuition.)

Let me know.

Love,
Ben

ps. Thanks for the photos. I must say, that’s quite the ass in your pic. Maybe you should consider kicking up that elliptical trainer a few notches. LOL (But seriously. The extra resistance does wonders for the glutes.)

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 27 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Disappointed

Ben!

Your letter made me also confused and even disappointed.

It  seems  you are not too serious about me and our relationship,  how then you could forget that I’m an orphan?! What kind  of  my  family do you wish to meet? You have really hurt me!

I’m not going to suffer because of man who has no matter about me!

Anna
_______________________________________________________________
Date: 28 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Disappointed

Anna,

I think you misunderstood me. When I said “family”, I didn’t mean in the genetic sense. In North America we also use the word family to describe close friends, or acquaintances who lend us money that we don’t plan on paying back.

I apologize for any misunderstanding, but I have to say that I find your reaction rather disappointing. Are you always this emotional? If so, let me know. No offense, but as a well-respected businessman I don’t have time to waste molly-coddling a PMS-y wife.

Ben

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 29 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Forgive me

Hello Ben,

Thank you for  explaining to me all. It seems now it is my turn to ask you forgiveness. my orphan is a painful for me and it is why I reacted so. Don’t worry I  don”suffer  with  changing in my mood;-)

Ben, you are this  man with whom I feel so so happy. I feel really ashamed for my reaction. I love you and to make you hurt is the most terrible thing for me!

I  will  look  for  your  letter  in which I hope to read the words of forgiveness.

Kisses,
Anna

***End of Part 1**

Will I find it in my heart to forgive Anna?
Will our love survive?
Are Ukrainians the same ones who wear lederhosen?

Find out on next time, when I post “Maid To Order-The Conclusion”.

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Comments

  1. “Beautiful Anna, Custodian of my heart, And one day my home” awesome! LOL

    • I know, right? I had no idea how easy it was to write poetry. And the best part is if I change a few words around, I can regift it for my friends’ wedding.

  2. Hilarious new post! Part of my blog is also comedy, but with serious subjects too (latest one is just a review of survey sites, but that’s just a one time post). I’m following your site now and check me out at http://laughatmypain.wordpress.com/

  3. I feel like you’re my own personal attack dog, righting the wrongs of foreign hackers and scam artists. You should invest in lycra super suit w/cape… or at least some really slick footed pajamas.

  4. I discovered your site quite randomly a few months ago, and I have been reading your site ever since. You are hilarious. I can’t wait to read the next installment.

    • Thanks, Ian. I only hope your expectations for part two aren’t high. Based on my previous online dating experiences, these relationships tend to fade out quickly.

  5. Ah, those gorgeous blond Ukrainian women. They are all the same. Beautiful, curvy, pizza-wielding bikini models who like to play with asses. Really, a dime a dozen, B.

    I can’t wait to see if you meet her family.

    • Unfortunately I doubt I’ll get to meet her family. Not that it’s a big deal or anything. Judging by her emails, I get the feeling it’s a family of convenience.

  6. AH HA! She said she had a family in her previous e-mail, which I thought was odd. Something must have happened with that translation machine.

    -SDFL (Salad Dodger for Life)

  7. “A lady on the street and a streetwalker in the bedroom with a cleaning fetish”. I spit the Diet Red Bull I am allegedly cut off of through my nose. When you find this, dream woman would you let me know? My husband is fine and all, but it would be really nice to have a streetwalker in the bedroom armed with a duster at all times. The dog hair is just too much to keep up with and I just don’t have time to provide sexual favors for him all the time.

    • Agreed. I find that the problem with providing sexual favors is that they end up being sexual expectations. Or, so I’ve heard, anyway. (Favors aren’t one of my strong suits.)

  8. Such an amusing misadventure! Your multilingualitity is so impressive.
    (Tech note – I don’t know why, but the pics in between the “barwoman” and “Look at my ass” all display as squshed-down/vertically compressed. I vant to see dem2!)

    • Thanks, Mikey. Not to brag, but multilinguality really brings out my accents.

      ps. I tried to fix the problem, but it’s not showing up on my side? I’m guessing it’s because I only let my computer show me what I want to see.

  9. elizabeth3hersh says:

    “…if we lived in Hollywood, our celebrity couple name would be “Benanna.”

    Hahaha!!! (I am assuming Ben Schooled at some point will eventually become Been Schooled.)

  10. In Part 2, I’m hoping Ben asks her to send a picture of herself in lederhosen.

  11. cornfedgirl says:

    I think that I meant “Ben Schooled” when I was out with a girlfriend the other night. If it wasn’t him, it was someone that attended the same charm school. Anna is one lucky, long winded gal. And what an ass she has!

Trackbacks

  1. […] **This is part two of Ben and Anna’s International love story. For part one, click here. […]

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