Maid To Order- The Conclusion

**This is part two of Ben and Anna’s International love story. For part one, click here.

Recap: In an effort to expand my online dating pool, I modified my dating profile/gender and signed up on a dating site for mail order brides. There, I met Anna, a 30 year-old Ukrainian woman with the autobiography of an orphan-turned-waitress and the profile pic of a Polish beauty contestant.

.

What I found after entering Anna's pic in Google image search engine.

What i found after entering Anna’s pic in Google image search engine.

Since we were both compulsive liars,  I knew it was fate.

Within three days, Anna and I were planning our future together. But then she didn’t have money for travel papers and I had a heart attack and she needed money and I needed a live-in caregiver/wife and she still needed money and then I offered to fly out to the Ukraine to meet her family and she freaked out because orphans don’t have families.

Then I told her that family was a subjective term and I wasn’t interested in orphaned emo women, she apologized and begged for my forgiveness. (See below)

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 29 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Forgive me

Hello Ben,

Thank you for explaining to me all. It seems now it is my turn to ask you forgiveness. my orphan is a painful for me and it is why I reacted so. Don’t worry I don”suffer with changing in my mood;-)

Ben, you are this man with whom I feel so so happy. I feel really ashamed for my reaction. I love you and to make you hurt is the most terrible thing for me!

I will look for your letter in which I hope to read the words of forgiveness.

Kisses,
Anna

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 1 Dec
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Forgive me

Anna,

Really, I’m the one who should apologize. Given your background/gender, there’s no way you could possibly understand the complicated North American/Orphan relationship. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Speaking of hearts, mine seems to be doing much better. My doctor says that as long as I stay away from junk food and doing any heavy lifting (another reason why I anticipate your arrival) I should be back to normal in no time.

Love,
Ben

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 2 Dec
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: My Darling Ben

How are you, my beloved man:-)?

Ben,  honey,  I’m  sorry that I didn’t talk to you for some days, but I needed time to find funds to put on the dating agency service to write  to  you. As you remember I don’t have a computer at home and without money it is hard for me to correspond with my love.

Ben, the last few days have been hectic for me. I have a problem and I really need to find the way to solve it.  I need to buy new winter shoes, cold days came here but I’m short in funds. Before holiday time nobody can borrow me money, so I’m obliged  to go out in autumn shoes which are not warm for such weather.

I’m sorry  for  disturbing  you  with my  problem,  let’s  talk about you.  How  do you feel?  Ben  It is sad that my visa keep us apart, as you see I can’t even buy news shoes at the present time, so funds for traveling is more difficult for me.

Ben, if i have to  walk  millions  of  miles and you wouldn’t  be  there  I  would  walk a millions miles again, and if two millions  miles  were not enough, I would walk another millions miles, my darling Ben!

Yours,
Anna

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 3 Dec
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: My Darling Ben

Dearest Anna,

Thank Goodness you emailed me. When I didn’t hear back from you I started to get worried. I kept thinking, if only I had a human teleportation machine! LOL (Not that I can’t afford one, mind you. It’s just that they don’t exist yet.)

I’m just glad you were able to find funds for the dating agency service. Whatever they’re charging for their services can’t possibly be enough for bringing us together.

You have no idea how happy your message made me. Knowing that you don’t want to disturb me with your problems is like warm winter boots for my heart. If only North American women were like you. Here, the wives are always complaining about their problems: Housework, lack of emotional support, labor pains, you name it.  Personally, I blame the Indigo Girls. (Damn those feminists for having such catchy tunes.)

By the way, since this is our first Christmas as a couple, I wanted to get you a gift. Is there anything in particular you’d like? Or would you rather do the proper thing and leave the decision to your future husband? Let me know.

For now, I’ll leave you with another poem I wrote especially for you. It’s called “Love”.

Love
Is like new winter boots
It keeps you warm
on cold days

But sometimes love isn’t
like winter boots
Because winter boots cost money
Also, you don’t wear
love on your feet

Love,
Ben

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 4 Dec
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Angel Ben

Ben! I’m so happy to be reading your lovely letter, my Angel.

Honey, it will be really so pleasant to have some lovely gift from my beloved man. What it will be, of course i leave for your own decision;-) The only thing which is bothering me is how you will deliver it? I heard many bad stories about delivery services that cheat people on money. And our post offices lose even letters, not talking about parcels!

But dear Ben, I have good news. My interpreter told me their agency provide delivery of any gifts, what luck! If you give me present, I will be happy to get it from the hands of people whom I trust.

Ben, darling, I’m thinking about you all the time.  I can’t await the day when I can be by your side, it will be the best medicine for you and for my lonely heart also;-)

You are my Angel sent to me from the Heaven!

Kisses,
Anna

________________________________________________________________
Date: 6 Dec
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Angel Ben

My love,

I’m glad that you’ve left the decision to me. You won’t believe this, but here in North America the wives actually tell their husbands what they need. Some even go so far as to buy their own Christmas gifts using their husband’s credit card!

It’s disturbing, to say the least.

Based on what you’ve said this agency service sounds legit. Just give me their email address and I will contact them directly.

If only we’d met when you were younger and of ideal child-bearing age, our lives would be so different now.

Oh well, everything happens for a reason, I guess.

Love,
Ben

________________________________________________________________
Date: 7 Dec
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject:

Hello  my darling Ben!

Honey, it was rally unpleasant for me to read how ladies at your area act! It is really not matter what it will be there, the main is  attention, care and love of this person who presents it to you!

I told the manager of the UkrInterBridge agency that you wish to use them and  I  was  told they will contact you from their own e-mail.

Ben,  my darling, even a day without your letters my heart feels empty. But  I can feel you, see you and touch you through our star that is out there like you are.

Hugs and kisses.
Anna

________________________________________________________________
Date: 7 Dec
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Dating Agency UkrInterBridge

Good Day Mr. Ben,

It is Valeriya and I’m an administrator of our dating agency “UkrInterBridge”.

Your lady Anna informed me that you wish to send a Christmas present directly from our agency.

Allow me to inform you that our agency provides delivery service of presents and gifts to our clients. We also provide you with the list of gifts which could be delivered to your lady.

If you are interested contact me and I  will provide you with all the necessary information.

Adminitrator of Dating Agency “UkrInterBridge”
Valeriya.

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 9 Dec
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Dating Agency UkrInterBridge

Hello, Valeriya.

Thank-you for your prompt response. I noticed that your message was sent from my darling Anna’s email address. I’m assuming you sent it to her to forward it to me?

If you could send me the information I would appreciate it. Also, please feel free to send me your gift list.  I do have some ideas in mind, but it’s nice to have alternative options.

Regards,
Ben

ps. In the future, I’d appreciate it if all of our correspondence was sent directly from your address.  Between you and me, my future wife is a bit of a nosy Nellie. (No offense, Anna.)

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 10 Dec
From: ukrinterbridge
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Dating Agency UkrInterBridge

Good Day Mr. Ben,

Yes, Anna did the forward of the message. I apologize for the mistake, you can assure that she will not see future messages.

Allow me to  present you the list of presents our company provides.

a) Flowers Delivery Price
-1 rose – 6$;
– 3 roses – 15$
– 5 roses – 25$
– other flowers – 35$
– a bouquet from roses and other flowers – 45$

b) Stuffed Toys
–  from 10$ till 100$ depending on size of toy

c) Perfumes
– Christian Dior – 80$
– Chanel – 50$
– Hugo – 75$
– Laurence – 60$

d) Cosmetics
– “Avon” sets – 15$
– “Oriflame” – 25$
– “Mary Kay” – 50$

f) Jewelery
– rings – 120$ till 380$
– chains – 170$ till 1000$
– bracelets – 150$ till 800$
– ear-ring -100$ till 400$

Please, inform us  about the gift you chose. Then we will provide you with the necessary  information to make payment for the service.

Adminitrator of Dating Agency “UkrInterBridge”
Valeriya.

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 11 Dec
From: bschooled
To: ukrinterbridge
Subject: Re: Dating Agency UkrInterBridge

Valeriya,

I appreciate your prompt response. I take it you must be married? If not,  it’s only a matter of time. Given your ability to take direction without complaint, you must have plenty of suitors vying for your hand.

Thank-you for you sending me the price list. It’s nice to see the price for Mary Kay cosmetics are consistent with the unparalleled quality of the product line.

While they’re all impressive options, given the seriousness of mine and Anna’s relationship I wanted to get her something a little more personal. So instead, I ended up buying her the following:

-A Swavorsky-Crystal framed 8×11 photo of me in my Porsche wearing nothing but a strategically placed air-freshener and a smile.

-Sweating to the Oldies DVDs with Russian subtitles (I’m hoping that with a little help from Richard Simmons she’ll be back down to her birth weight by spring).

-A selection of classy yet modest swimwear (see attached photos for reference.)

birkini.

-A personally engraved iron and ironing board (I’m still on the fence about this one. Only because given the bulky shape, I’d feel bad about making her wrap it.)

If you could let me know the price for delivery of the above items, I’d appreciate it.

Ben

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 11 Dec
From: ukrinterbridge
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Dating Agency UkrInterBridge

Good Day Mr. Ben,

Thank you for the letter. Allow us to inform you that any of gifts from your list could be delivered to your lady Inna according to your wish.

Below you will fine the prices for the things you listed:

– Swavorsky-Crystal in frame – 50$
– A collection of DVD for become thin – 45$
– Bathing suits- $75
– ironing board – 50$ till 100$ price varies depending on the size and quality

Please, inform us if you would like to proceed. Then we will provide you with the necessary  information to make payment for the service.

Adminitrator of Dating Agency “UkrInterBridge”
Valeriya.

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 16 Dec
From: bschooled
To: ukrinterbridge
Subject: Re: Dating Agency UkrInterBridge

Valeryia,

I apologize for not getting back to you sooner.

While I’m embarrassed to admit it, my loneliness during the holidays coupled with the pile of dust on my shelving unit resulted in my infidelity. The affair was brief, I couldn’t deal with the guilt so I ended things this morning. (I would have ended things sooner, but Molly Maid’s employees are contracted out weekly.)

I trust you will keep this between us, I can only imagine how heartbroken Anna would be if she were to learn of my transgressions.

Before I make arrangements for payment, I noticed you had a price list for stuffed toys. I was wondering if you also provide delivery on more adult-themed novelties? I started a new line of adult toys for single women and I’d like to send Anna a few of my signature items. (Technically she’s not single, but I figured they would tide her over until she can please me in person. LOL)

I would like to send her the following items. (I’ve included a brief description, in case you were interested in purchasing any for yourself.)

Fellatrix’s Fancy
Retail Price: $49
Description: Drive your dildo to orgasmic bliss!

This mouth-only prosthetic vibrator  is perfect for fellatio-loving females everywhere. It’s unique design makes it ideal for even the most sensitive gag reflex. And those suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome will appreciate the comfortable girth of the shaft.

Perfect for beginners, this toy will leave you wanting to satisfy it more.

The Double-Header
Retail Price: $69
Description: Why let your mouth have all the fun? This dual-headed extendible vibrator lets your cleavage get in on the action as well.

Simply twist the dial to adjust length and enjoy mutual penetration of both areas.

Tea For One
Retail Price: $24
Description: These realistic-looking latex testicles are perfect for self-administered tea-bagging.

Feather Tickler/Shelf Duster
Retail Price: $29
Description: Do you want to be the bad girl, or the bad girl with a well-kept house? This feather tickler/duster allows you to play out both fantasies.
Also included are wrist straps, allowing your hands to be free to do other chores. (See below)

I know I went a little overboard, but you know what they say. You can’t put a price on a guilty conscience.

If you could give me a price for shipping, that would be great. The sooner I can deliver these, the more justified I’ll feel about my actions.

Ben

ps. I will also be sending Anna a large bag of soiled men’s clothing for washing and ironing.  Since she’ll be sending it back to me anyway, I figure we can just call it even.

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 19 Dec
From: bschooled
To: ukrinterbridge
Subject: Waiting

Valeryia,

Just wondering if there were any updates on the invoice? I’m afraid that if I don’t get these toys out soon I’ll end up using them myself! LOL

Please advise.

Ben

__________________________________________________________________
Date: 23 Dec
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Hello Anna

Anna,

Since I haven’t heard from you in a while I’m going to assume you either a) forgot to pay the agency, or b) didn’t want to seem overbearing.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your Christmas gifts will be arriving late. I would have sent them out already, but unfortunately the delivery service agency hasn’t gotten back to me. I was thinking maybe you could talk to Valeryia and ask her what the hold up is.

Also, let me know the situation regarding your visa. Given the current state of my heart/house, I’m not sure how much longer I can be without you.

Love,
Ben

******

Epilogue: Since I have yet to hear back from Anna, I’m assuming she met someone else. On an unrelated note, if there are any single ladies out there who are interested in purchasing something from my adult toy line, please email me at bschooled@hotmail.com for a brochure.

.

.

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Comments

  1. Oh yes, I DEFINITELY want a brochure of those items. You know, Mother’s Day is coming . . .

    Such a sad turn of events. I had such high hopes for Ben & Anna. And Valeryia. It just seemed like a perfect situation wherein both of your fibbing natures would never get in the way of true love. Ahh, so tragic.

    • Very tragic. If it wasn’t for Olga (a 24 year old Polish girl with the autobiography of a virgin hairdresser and the profile pic of a porn star), I don’t know what I’d do.

  2. Brochure? I want a catalog for Christmas. I see huge application for my husband’s Southern Baptist relatives. Christmas will never be the same.

  3. Is the last swimwear from the star wars collection?

  4. You. crack. me. up.

  5. I am so saddened at the outcome.
    Here I foolishly thought that bad grammar + compulsive lying + adult toys = happiness.

  6. The adult toys sound great. Can I try one out a few times and send it back if I don’t like it? Are they dishwasher safe?

  7. I think Anna and Valeryia ran off together. I bet the both wear the same shoe size and so Anna could have winter shoes ever other day.

  8. victoriawoah says:

    FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!!!

  9. Absolutely hilarious. I really like your blog and would be happy to put a link on my blog if you are interested. And hopefully you’ll do the same for me

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