To everyone who sent me an email asking if I’m alive (Mom, Auntie Doris, Guy from the Credit Card Collection Agency), the answer is yes. It’s just that I’ve been busy. Because summer is here and I don’t know how to use a lawnmower, I’ve decided to start dating again.
Since most of my relationships have been with guys who I met after they groped me at the bar, the idea of finding love online seemed hopeless. But once I figured out the equation for success, I was able to overcome my fears and now I find myself having to turn potential suitors away.
Equation for Online Dating Success:
Exaggerated Income + Lowered Standards = Dating Success
I’ll post some of my other online dating tips later, right now I’m preparing to entertain a guy I met on Cougared.com (see below). Not to sound cocky, but given his insatiable appetite for women and my woman-like qualities, I’m pretty sure this one’s in the bag.
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Just Making Convo 
Aw, it’s a shame that didn’t work out. Although, if you are looking for a large serving dish, might you try the Pig & Tall store? Or maybe even Costco.
They seriously have a store for tall pigs?
long pig, its whats for dinner!
“I tell ya, that sow had bacon strips that went on for miles…”
*insert laugh tracks here*
I suppose I can’t disagree that his most attractive feature unless I’m allowed to count the phone he’s holding.
I meant to say “most attractive feature are his hands.” I suppose they can’t be that memorable if I forget to use them in a sentence about them.
Sounds to me like SOMEONE isn’t a big fan of peace. (No offense)
But are his fingers really long enough to be a proper peace sign? I was thinking it was more a “moderate unrest” sign.
Yeah, you’re right. Hell, for all we know, he could be ordering a couple of women for take-out.
His fingers look like penises. Or pincers. Not sure which is worse. .or best.
For me it all depends on the role-play scenario…
That guy is 27? He looks 45. And bold move taking a picture with his shirt off with that fat body of his, but he hold up the peace sign to show you all that he isn’t too much of a rapist.
I thought the same thing. Not the part about being only a mildly rapist-y (The fact that he got naked only to then photograph himself from the neck up tells me he’s hiding something), but the part about him looking like my dad. 10 years from now. Only more weathered.
After reading this exchange, I would take the advice of justwantsex’s wife and start seeing “different mans.”
You know he must use Palmolive to wash his dishes in his bachelor pad. I really think this one might be the one. Just remember to cook him to 160 F on the inside (sorry,l dont know celsius)
Hilarious! Love the Bloody Mary at the end!