“Hey, Jude.” -The End (Alt. title: Flogging a Dead Horse)

*This is part 3 of a 3 part story. You can read read part 1 here, and part 2 here.

.

So, here’s the story so far:

Girl meets boy. Boy falls in love. Girl wonders why boy has no chin. Boy tells girl he needs money for mysterious operation. Girl is indifferent. Boy is upset. Girl finds this understandable, given the fact that he has no chin. Boy asks girl to donate money to his London orphanage.  Girl gets labia surgery instead. Boy tells girl her to prove her love by sending the orphans “fresh love from the United States”. Girl can’t do this because she’s Canadian. Boy is annoyed. Girl says Donny Warbucks will donate $20,000 provided boy sends him photos of the orphans for tax purposes. Boy is pissed, but sends the photos anyway.

Girl sends boy the following message:

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: bad news
Date: 15 Jul

Sweathard, I have some bad news. These orphans are trying to scam you.

They would have gotten away with it, too, had it not been for those pictures you sent. When I showed them to Donny Warbucks, he thought the one in the Spiderman costume looked suspicious.

Turns out these supposed “orphans” have been traveling around to different orphanages, using their parentless status to get free furniture and clothes.

*****

Can you believe their nerve? I mean, how much fresh love does one orphan need?

I wonder what else they’ve been lying to you about. I bet Luke’s name isn’t even Luke, it’s probably Mortimer, or Jude81 or something stupid like that.

Just so you know, I’ve contacted the authorities and forwarded them our correspondence as well as the banking info. So you can expect a visit from the Canadian Mounties soon.

I know how devastating this must be for you. But try to look on the bright side. Your future wife’s vagina looks amazing!

Loose lips cause trips,
Bea

Ps. Let me know if you’re still good to meet me at the airport on the 20th.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: bad news
Date: 15 Jul

Listen to me carefully am ready for anything you are coming with police or your lover Don on anything. my love for is beginning to die. You better disposed Don and face your future husband before it becomes too late for you.

Regards,
Jude

___________________________________________

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 23 Jul

You missed yesterday was so lovely gosh the children was so
happy, ohh hope you find true love in Don. i did not see your police men am suspecting you and Don take care of yourself.

Regards,
Jude
___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 23 Jul

Fishlips, I thought you said the anniversary was on the 20th?

Regardless, I’m glad to hear it went well. I only hope the kids didn’t take advantage of your generous nature by eating more than their share of cake, or sitting on the furniture for longer than their turn.

As for the police men, that must have been Donny’s doing. I haven’t heard from him since he told me he was gay.

Sometimes love just ain’t enough,
B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 23 Jul

i told you the aniversary will hold you were the one who lied. don’t have those times to play i hope you marry Don so that he will show you endless love don’t want to get with a liar a person that is not stable with her words.
The renovation will not be completed yet if you want send your donation to the account i gave.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 24 Jul

I’m so glad you feel that way! I know it sounds silly, but for some reason I thought you’d be upset.

Tell me that you’ll come to our wedding. Since you’re the one who brought us together, it would only make sense that you be the biggest guest of the day.

(I’ll send you a copy of our gift registry asap.)

Sucks to be you,
B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 24 Jul

Don is your new husband and i want it go to hell everybody got want they want crazy you.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 24 Jul

So…does that mean you won’t be attending the ceremony?

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

send me $5,000 then i will be there.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

What would you need $5,000 for?  I’ll just have my pilot fly you out, and you can stay at my 34,000 sq.ft. guest house overlooking the ocean. Trust me when I say the view  is breathtaking.

Just promise you’ll think about it. It would mean a lot to me if you were there.

Not really,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

Okay if you are not sending the money then forget it.
Goodbye.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

Oh, well, it’s probably for the best.

Sadly, Donny Warbucks and I broke up last night. Turns out his sexual preference was huge obstacle in our relationship.

I guess it’s my fault, for choosing my life partner based on looks, personality and intelligence. I should have listened to my heart and married you instead.

Where Does My heart Beat Now,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 25 Jul

You know i love you but you deceived me so much that i hated myself for falling in love, i still love you but before we can come back together you will have to send the donation you promise for the renovation of the orphanage that will be more acceptable.

Lot of Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 26 Jul

Baby,

I can understand why you felt that way. If it makes you feel any better, I hate you too. But being a 50-something cougar with the vagina of a 20 year-old, it’s not like I have the luxury to be picky.

I swear on your grave that I will never leave you again.  And just to prove how devoted I am, I want to give you something that I know both you and the orphans will appreciate.

Just be patient, I promise it will be worth it.

Loathe you so much it hurts,
Bxoxo

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 26 Jul

Until you do that for me and the orphans then you will be mine forever and my love will be renew towards you, i love you Below is the bank account information after you send your donation to the account, let me know so that the renovation will be complete as soon as possible.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 26 Jul

I don’t understand why they haven’t called? My butler assured me that he went to the bank on Friday. When Mr. Belvedere gets back from vacation he’s going to have some serious explaining to do.

On a more positive note, I think I’ve come up with an even better way to show the children fresh love from the United States.

It’s a poster I made, something that both orphans and American history buffs can relate to.

Let me know if they like it.

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do You),
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Whoa!!!!!!!!
Date: 27 Jul

Baby your butler again, baby don’t play with my love for you if that is how you want to be behaving towards me fine why are you always deceiving me with all this donation thing. Print the transfer slip out and send it to me for confirmation i don’t understand what you are really trying to do again.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Donation
Date: 1 Aug

Baby if you don’t have the exact money you can send anything that comes from your heart stop postponing everything, we would have met earlier but you turned everything done are you being truthful that is all i want to know please my love.

baby send the money through western union or bank account the orphanage really some renovation so please tell me will you be able to send the money by tomorrow. I love you and i truely miss you

Lot of Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 3 Aug

i have sent you a lot of messages now but no reply. Okay suit yourself

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 4 Aug

It hurts me that you think I wouldn’t respond to your messages.

You should know that I would never ignore an email, especially ones from the love of my life that for some reason always end up in my spam folder.

My heart is broken, Jude. And I have neither the strength nor the medical knowledge to fix it.

Beat It,
B

Ps. How did you like my poster, by the way? I assume the orphans found it entertaining? If not, then they obviously don’t have a sense of humor about their situation.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 4 Aug

Baby we all like the poster, so baby when are you sending your donation,  Baby it is very important just let me know when you are sending the money and baby please let it be real this time.

I will be waiting for your next mail, please let it be positive. I hope my love by tomorrow you would have send the money as soon as possible.

From your love
Jayson

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 4 Aug

Wait, who is Jayson?  And why are you emailing me from my ex-lover’s email address?

Is this some kind of joke thought up by an incompetent con artist with horrible grammar and the inability to realize when it’s time to give up?

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 5 Aug

Stop it right there, is that what you wonna tell me. You are not really showing me love at all.  I have being giving you my all but you give me nothing.

am sorry for adding “jayson” so what is next my love are you sending the donation that is what i will be expecting from your next mail by tomorrow.

Love you

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 6 Aug

That’s okay.  I guess I just didn’t understand why after spending 80-ish years as Jude, you would suddenly refer to yourself as someone else.

I can only come up with one explanation for this behavior. I believe you are suffering from multiple personality disorder. It’s the only way to explain your erratic mood swings and irrational fear of punctuation.

No matter what, I’m here for you. (I’m talking to Jude, not Jayson). Your multiple personality disorder is my multiple personality disorder, so just let me how much the frontal lobotomy is and I will take care of it.

Just promise me you won’t tell Jayson about this. There’s something about him that I don’t trust.

B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 6 Aug

Baby i will be waiting for you to send your donation this is jude i chatted with jayson that day i mistakenly added his name to mine, Jayson is a silly guy that is getting me angry and i quarreled with him that lead to the mistakenly using of his name get it now.Okay my love

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 6 Aug

I can see why Jayson would make you angry. Even just looking at his beady eyes/giant forehead gives me the creeps.  I can only imagine what it would be like to have to share a body with him.

As promised, here is the transfer slip. (My printer broke down, so I had to write it out by hand.)

Promise that if Jayson so much as looks at it, you’ll punch him in the throat as hard as you can.

xoxoB

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Donation
Date: 7 Aug

how can i use that transfer slip that is not real you know what you are not a woman of your word. I cant believe it you have being decieving me all this while now it is this a transfer slip that will lead to my arrest shame on you am very disappointed at you. The orphans are ashamed of you. Bye

****

Epilogue:

After Jude calmed down, he sent me a message saying that he would give me one more chance.  When I didn’t reply,  Jayson emailed me and accused me of being an orphan/Jude hater. Then Jude emailed me again, apologizing for Jayson’s unacceptable behavior.

As of today things are pretty much up in the air. 

.

**To read more about this fascinating love triangle, buy my sequel, “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places Part 2.” (Again, available in book stores just as soon as I find an agency willing to publish it.)

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“Hey, Jude.”-A (True) Love Story, Part 2 (The Middle)

This is part two of a three part story. To read part 1, click here.

So, just to recap: A few months ago, while trolling an online dating site for cougars (solely for research purposes), I met a man named Jude81. While normally I’m not attracted to homely-looking broke guys with poor grammar and no personality, my insomnia-triggered curiosity told me I should give him a chance.

Over time, I discovered that we actually had a lot in common: He’d recently undergone a mysterious operation, I recently considered vaginal reconstruction surgery.  He owns his own orphanage, I own a limited edition VHS tape of the movie “Annie”. He was under the impression that I was a filthy rich cougar, I lied about being a filthy rich cougar.

Obviously, it was fate.

If we were celebrities, our name would be “JuBea”.

When I left off in the last post, my future husband had just invited me to come celebrate the 7th anniversary of his London orphanage. He said not only would I have the honor of being “the biggest guest of the day,” I would also be giving a speech of love and hope to the orphans.

The only stipulation being that I first needed to show the children “fresh love from the United States,” in the form of a large monetary donation.

Unfortunately, because my man suffers from relationship-related insecurities, when I didn’t get back to him right away he started getting anxious. (See below.)

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 6 Jul

Did i say anything to offend you forgive me, when first party makes a mistake the second party to correct the mistake not getting angry or replying to her lovers mail that is not fair my love. don’t let the children down they wait for you to show them fresh love.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 6 Jul

LOL of course you didn’t offend me, hobgoblin! I’ve just been busy working on my hope and love speech for the orphans.

Okay, so here’s what I have so far:

Hey orphans!

My name is Bea. I’m sure you’ve heard a lot about me from your guardian angel, or as I like to call him, my “object in mirror is grosser than it appears”. We met on a dating site for older women seeking younger men. Ironic, I know, since appearance-wise he looks at least ten years older my Dad. But like I always say, love doesn’t discriminate against age. Or unflattering comb-overs for that matter.

That’s as far as I got.

I was thinking I could also throw in a few jokes, like maybe one about two orphans who walk into a bar because they don’t have parents to tell them they’re not allowed to do that.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts.

Loving you blindly (because it’s the only way I can),
precious jewel angel baby

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 6 Jul

Baby that is cool but no for the jokes the joke is not okay, but the speech is lovely.

did you get the bank details i sent to you i need to get some furnitures for the orphanage please my love the aniversary is next weekend. this is where to make your Donation:

Branch Banking and Trust Company
450 North Pine Island Rd.,Plantation FL 33324
Account Name: Worldwide Hope Ltd. Corp.,
Number: 0000240247852

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 7 Jul

Why didn’t you tell me the anniversary is next weekend? Will you be meeting me at the airport or are you going to arrange for a car to pick me up? Just tell the driver I’ll be the one with the bright pink suitcase and ginormous cameltoe. He can’t miss me.

I think I’ll just bring the donation with me. That way I don’t have to bother with all that confusing bank stuff. Usually my butler does all my banking, but he’s an orphan too and I don’t want him to think I’m rubbing it in his face.

Just a few more days till we finally meet!
your love baby

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 7 Jul

Baby if your butler is an orphan he will be glad to do this please i don’t want to disappoint the kids, i postponed the aniversary i don’t want the children to feel bad.
just follow the step and everything will be easy.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 8 Jul

Why would I want the anniversary postponed? The sooner it comes, the less time I have to wait to have your flaccid arms wrapped around me.

You should know I would never disappoint the orphans (granted, it’s not like I wouldn’t be justified, since they disappointed me first by not having a sense of humor).

As you can tell by the attached photo, the money is sitting on my bed, ready to be packed. (I put a baby orphan on top so I don’t forget what it’s for.)

.

Don’t quit your day job,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 7 Jul

Then baby send your donation so that everything will be done as
soon as possible.
If this banking details is too difficult for you, let me know so i
send you another one please baby send YOUR DONATION as soon as possible.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: Bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel3@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love…
Date: 7 Jul

Fine. If it’s that important to you, I’ll send it first thing in the morning.

I was thinking, maybe the problem isn’t that the orphans don’t have a sense of humor, but that they’re unfamiliar with the bar scene. I think I’ve come up with a gag they’ll actually appreciate.

I will walk out on stage with a Darth Vader mask covering my face. Without saying a word, I’ll grab the mic and start making heavy breathing sounds. After around five minutes, you’ll tap me on the shoulder and be like “Um, can I help you?” and that’s when I’ll pull out my lightsaber stabbing you in the chest.

Just when things can’t get any more tense, I’ll point to an orphan in the crowd and say in a really deep voice, “Luke, I am Your Father.”

All I need you to do is make sure there’s an orphan named Luke around. I’ll take care of the rest.

Consider this a placeholder,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 8 Jul

Yes my love there is luke he is the oldest child so that joke is welcomed. Baby as soon as you send your donation please informed me my love is a special kind of love that has not being known by anybody.

Lot of Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 9 Jul

I was just thinking, what if instead of the Star Wars parody we performed a dramatic reenactment of our love story?

We could be sitting on opposite ends of the room pretending that we’re typing on a computer. We can even pre-record our voices  then play it back so it’s like they can hear what we’re thinking. (The last part has nothing to do with the play, I’ve just always wanted to do that.)

Either that, or we coud recreate the scene from Annie where they dance around the room with mops singing “It’s a hard knock life.” Then, at the end of the song I could punch you really hard in the face and knock you out.

I know that kids with parents would totally appreciate the irony.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow,
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 9 Jul

Honey there is no time i have a story to tell the children about us i hope you will like. the orphans are so happy they can’t believe it as soon as you send your donation please get me informed My Angel you are so lovely your love is surpassing mine for the orphans so the orphans have better life.

Hugs & Kisses,
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Good News!
Date: 12 Jul

Guess what, my loaf! I just found someone who is willing to donate another $20,000 to the orphanage!His name is Donny Warbucks and he’s super rich. His son was an orphan, so he feels a real connection to kids without parents.

Thanks to Donny, I was finally able to have my labiaplasty.

My doctor said that the swelling won’t go down for at least a month. But the good news is that as long as I use a crueller cushion (it’s like a donut cushion only instead of hemorrhoids it’s for your labia) I can still come to the anniversary!

I promise, as soon as my labia is healed we will be able to love each other like totally hardcore.

Said I Love You But I Lied,
Queen baby

Ps. I’d appreciate it if you would tell the orphans not to look at me below the waist. I’m extremely self-conscious and kids can be cruel. (Especially orphans.)

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 12 Jul

am sorry to hear that you had a surgery but sadly am very disappointed i don’t believe you are telling me this.  first you are on your way to the bank, Secondly you found a man that will send a donation of $20,000
It is not fair for me to be disappointed after all your promises to me.

Regards,
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 13 Jul

Muffinneck,

I feel like we aren’t communicating well. Whether it’s my complicated two-syllable words or your inability to figure out Google Translator, I don’t know. But I’m getting mixed signals.

Speaking of disappointment, you didn’t even tell me how excited you are about my new and improved nether regions. Maybe you would be happier if I’d gotten a cankle lift instead.

How do we fix this?  Not just for us, but for the children?

Didn’t We Almost Have it All,
b

Pps. Donny Warbucks says before he can give you the money, he needs you to send him a picture of the orphans. He needs it for tax purposes.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 14 Jul

fine i have send you some of the pics

Orphans 1

Orphans 2

baby if your donation cannot be send today let me know. baby Don is making everything difficult is trying to come between us baby i really love you and is high time you show me back your love.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 14 Jul

The orphans are beautiful, just like I knew they’d be since they don’t share your genes.

I have some bad news. Turns out Donny Warbucks’ money is tied up in fishing wire and it will take at least a month before the bank is able to untangle it.

The only way he can access the funds sooner is by bribing a bank official. All he needs is $5,000 and he can have the money by tomorrow.

Do you think you could give a loan, my love? It will only be for a few hours, the orphans won’t even know it’s missing.

Let me know and I will arrange for the money transfer.

I’d almost rather be watching Craft Wars (almost),
B

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 14 Jul

Baby stop giving me alot of stories i don’t have any money and you know
that. when you are ready to send your donation get me informed the children are disappointed at you.

Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 15 Jul

I love those orphans more than anything. Hell, if I wasn’t so vain they would have had the money ages ago.

What about the money you got from the other donor? Just sign the cheque over to Donny Warbucks and he’ll have it back to you before you know it.

Praying That You Never Quit Your Day Job,
B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 15 Jul

Baby this is the tenth time am asking you this, am seeing you don’t even care for me or for the orphans. We where happy until Don shows up who is Don to you?
now you are not the biggest guest of the day keep your speech and everything to yourself.

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Good News!
Date: 15 Jul

Baby, I know you’re disappointed. I hate seeing you this way (or any way, for that matter), so I asked Mr. Warbucks if there was anything we could do.

He said there is one other option. But first, you need to send him the following items:

-Duct tape
-Rope
-A semi-automatic pistol
-Panty hose, to wear over his head
-A ski mask, to wear over his head during the actual robbery
-A getaway plan
-Laugh tracks (for comic relief)
-A British accent
-A horse, so if the police question his whereabouts he can say “I went to see a man about a horse.”
-A man (see above)
-A set of knob and bollocks, easy on the bollocks
-Pickled onion crisps (okay, so technically these are for me)
-Yorkshire (pudding, not terrier)
-A tosser (only because he’s too lazy to toss himself)
-The Queens’ wave
-Limited Edition Princess Diana commemorative plate (for my mom)

Just send the items via overnight courier and Donny will take care of the rest.

Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,
Baby (with special guest Jefferson Starship)

*****

Will Donny Warbucks save the day?
Do laugh tracks even exist anymore?
How long does it take for a labia to heal, anyway?

Find out next week, when I post the final installment of “Hey, Jude.”- A Love Story