Billboard’s Greatest(ish) Hits

Bill Floyd Sings Country- Bill Floyd

Track Listing

“Country”

“There…Are You Happy Now??”

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Christmas In The Dogghouse -Snoop Dogg

Track Listing

-“Jingle Bizzles”

-“Frosty The Snomizzle”

-Feliz Navidizzle

-“All I Wizzle for Chrisizzle is A New Grizzle”

-Mary’s Bo’Chizzle, Jizzle-Chrizzle”

-“Do You Hizzle What I Hizzle?”

-“G-Ma Got Slammizzled By A Reindizzle”

-“It’s The Mizzle Wondizzle Tizzle Of Thizzle Yizzle”

-“Hizzle Yo’Sizzle A Mizzle Lizzle Chrisizzle”

-“Let It Snizzle, Let It Snizzle, Let It Snizzle”

-“L’il Drummer Bow Wow”

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The Sick Humor Of Lenny Bruce – Lenny Bruce

Track Listing

“I Just ‘Flu’ In And Boy, are my arms achy!”

“So, What’s The Deal With The Common Cold, Anyway?”

“A Priest And A Rabbi Walk Into A Bar. In Their Defense, They Suffered
From A Severe Balance Disorder”

“Yo Mama’s So Fat, She’s At High Risk For Type 2 Diabetes”

“I’ll Say It Again. White Guys With Vertigo Have No Rhythm”

“What Did The Meningitis Patient Give His Wife For Christmas?  Syphilis.”

*Pointing to IV in arm*  “Tap, Tap…Is This Thing On?”

“Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Phil
“Go Away, Phil! I’m Under Quarantine!”

“Well, According To The Doctor, That’s All The Time I’ve Got…You’ve
Been a Peaked Audience…Don’t Forget To Tip Off Your Waitresses Regarding
Any Contagious Illnesses You’ve Recently Contracted”

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Rozen Voor Moeder – Johnny

Track Listing

“Rozen Voor Moeder”

“Je Moeder Liken De Rozen?”

“Ik Lieken Je Moeder”

“Je Moeder Es Een MILF”

“Ze Heft Sexy Klompen”

“…En Enorme Titens”

“Je Moeder is Single, Ja?

“Willen Ze Hebben Seks Jonger Men?”

“Misschein Ik Kan Be Je Vader”

“…Je Kan Noem Me Papa”

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.Ask Me Again – Charles Cermele

Track Listing

“Go Ahead, Ask”

“Just Do It”

“It’s A Simple Question, Really”

“No Big Deal”

“Are You Going To Ask Me Or Not?”

“C’mon, I Double Dare You”

“Fine Then, I Ace Dare You”

“What Are You, Chicken?”

“Then Prove It”

“Ask Me Again If I’m A Tree”

“For The Last Time, Do I Look Like A F*cking Tree?”

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I Am What I Am – George Jones

Track Listing

“I Am What I Am”

“Nope, Not A Model”

“Not An Exotic Dancer, Either”

“I Am Not A Male Escort”

“Nor Am I A Slave To Fashion”

“…Though I Can See Why You Would Think That”

“No, I Am Not A Virgin”

“….Or Desperate”

“…Or (That) Drunk”

“For The Last Time, I Am NOT  The Guy You Saw On ‘To Catch A Predator'”

“Give Up?”

“…I’m A Tree!”

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I’m Just Kidding – Rudy De La Mor

Track Listing

“Gosh People, Lighten Up”

“It’s Only A Joke”

“I Was Being Facetious”

AS IF I’m Really A Tree”

“Everybody Knows That Trees Don’t Wear Glasses”

“Or Perform Hilarious Comedy Routines”

“Complete With Laugh Tracks,  So You Don’t Miss The Hilarious Parts”

“Let’s Face It, How Many Trees Do You Know Named ‘Rudy’?”

“Can A Tree Do This?” *Remains motionless*

“Trust Me, Folks…I AM NOT A TREE!”

“I’m A Shrub”

“With A Chia Head”

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Kate Bush

Track Listing

“I’m A Bush”

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If impersonating a cougar was illegal, I’d just pull out my cougar-like acting skills and the judge would totally dismiss the charges.

*Male judges only

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As many of you may recall, recently I fell in love.

We met online, when I signed up on a dating site exclusively for cougars seeking younger men. Since I’m definitely NOT a cougar and calling Jude81 a man would be pushing it, it’s safe to say the odds were against us from the start.

But somehow we’ve managed to stay together, and as soon as I save enough money to help him save the orphans (oh yeah, did I mention that he owns his own orphanage!), he promises that he will, quote-“Love you till death do us apart so baby when will you be sending your donation i have bought lot of lovely clothes,shoes and furniture, for the children.”

*You can read more of Jude81’s grammatically incorrect messages in my upcoming book, “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places,” available just as soon as I can find a publisher who’d be interested in that kind of thing.

Even though I wouldn’t trade Jude81 for a million Nigerian princes, the decision wasn’t easy. Throughout my alternative online dating journey  (which included trolling dating sites for MILFS, Nudists, Furries, Russian Brides-where I had to tweak my profile slightly in order to meet the 80 year old lonely Businessman with a Porsche requirement, etc.), I met dozens of eligible bachelors, all desperately vying for my affections/check book.

In an effort to help other lonely, single women with no street smarts find a reason to live, I’ve decided to post some of my sloppy seconds here. (Listed in order, from “Most Potential” to “A Misogynistic Cry For Help”.)

Try to keep in mind that while these may not be the most intelligent men you’ll meet online (or maybe they are, it’s not like I’d know), at least they’re not superficial. They don’t care about things like looks or age or personality or marital status or gender or whether or not you have a first name.

As long as you reek of desperation and/or make six figures a year, to them you’re the whole package.

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*FYI– In an effort to attract a more respectable list of cougar-loving suitors  than last time (no offense Jude81/love of my life), I updated my cougar-friendly profile

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Non-Cougar Biased Bachelors

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