Cousin Todd’s Bookmobile

"Hi, I'm Todd. And this is my bookmobile."

Recently, my cousin Todd (through marriage) decided to quit his non-existent job and take over Auntie D’s Bookmobile.

While normally I’m not a big fan of guys named Todd (click here for a refresher), seeing as he’s family (through marriage), I decided to look past his name and showcase some of his favorite reads.

Here are just a few of the novel novels you’ll find in Whatshisname’s Bookmobile.

.

.

.

Based on ten years of extensive research, “A Lifestyle Study of Bologna Users” is just that.

A lifestyle study of people who use bologna.

According to their results, bologna users are heterogeneous groups comprised of  the following:

-Soccer moms
-Lazy parents
-Gross people
-Old men
-Hermaphrodites
-Subservient women
These guys
-Librarians
-Engineers
-People with animal organ/sexual glands/other random parts fetishes
-Two And a Half Men fans
-Todds
-Maybe Scientologists
-Probably not the chick who was in Clueless
-Who cares
-This is stupid
-Oscar Meyer aficionados

So if you’re interested in cold cut-based scientific research and/or have no life, I strongly suggest you buy this book.

.

.

..

J.X. Williams, Bestselling Author of “Oh, Honey! It’s Only Adultery”, and “Oh, Reverend! It’s Only Murder”, has done it again with his latest page-turner, ‘Oh, Daddy! It’s Only Incest’.

Since I haven’t read it myself, here is the summary as written on the back cover –

“Take one uptight Father, add one dangerously seductive daughter—and indulge in the sensual results! When Neil’s daughter Katey starts shamelessly flirting with him he’s intrigued–but too morally-inclined to do anything. But when Katey invites him to her bedroom for an after-casserole- dinner night cap,  he finally gives in to her sensual attack. Neil’s about to find out that mixing family and pleasure can be complicated. Especially when Mom walks in…”
.

.


.

.

Er, I didn’t actually read this book.

But I’m guessing it has something to do with teaching your pets to wait their turn.

.

.

/

....

I didn’t read this one, either.

Mostly because I’m not a big colorer.

..


.

Part one of a 645-part series, “How Children Fail” is an excellent resource for every parent.

Whether it’s wetting the bed, telling really bad jokes, being dense, being chubby, having red hair, annoying their parents’ friends, asking their parents’ friends stupid questions that don’t even matter, or bugging their parents’ friends at a house party that was supposed to be for adults only, this book explains why you should have taken your Dad up on his offer to get you a tubal litigation for your eighteenth birthday.

..

.

.

 

.

The latest in the Harlequin Asia series, this erotic novel tells the story of two struggling artists who discover that their piece de resistance lies within their own hearts. The following excerpt can be found in chapter three:

Heaven, he think. I talk about what to men with black eyes? As he melt inside, his clothes beat fast, much too tight.

“Your pants are no longer?” he should ask, instead a passionate kiss seduce the mouth. Unexpected joy in the loin, his manhood swelled to a range of Kina Hiroshi leopard. His pulse now speed up. If he could outrun a swarm of hungry Samurai? Only no.

“On the bear epidermis rug , take me,” he breathed, his groin adrift. The wet his panties and nostrils fill animalism,  manishly he submit his elephant penis size. Then, not expected, the smell of musk a roaring …

.

*Thank-you for taking the time to peruse my Cousin Todd’s compelling classics. If you’re interested in purchasing any of these treasures, just send me a message and I’ll let Todd know.

.

B’s “Conveyance O’ Classics”

..

.

Now with a new set of rims and a modest paint job, the bookmobile is back, and just in time for Christmas!

Here are just some of the festive fables you’ll find in my new and improved Vehicle O’ Vocab.

.

.

.

.

In this erotic mystery thriller, a pre-op John Cusack and my third grade Gym Teacher go undercover to catch a serial killer.

Hot on the perp’s trail, they pull an all night stake-out hoping to catch him in the act. But when their agonizingly slow dial-up connection fails and they instead  find themselves engaging in a night of unbridled passion, they have to struggle to catch up to this madman before he claims his next victim.

While I don’t want to give away the ending, trust me when I say it’s a riveting read.

..

.

.

.

.

.

Author of Bestselling essays “Is The Cervix a Mini-Donut?” and “Is The Cameltoe an Actual Camel’s Toe?” former Proctologist/Grave Digger Leo Bersani sets out to answer yet another question that everyone has pondered at one time or another– “Is The Rectum A Grave?”

While the book is informative, I think the following table (found on page three) pretty much sums up the answer to this age-old question.

..

.

.

.

.

.

“Hush,” is a Children’s book written by Dominic Catalano,  aspiring author and series regular on Dateline’s To Catch A Predator. I didn’t actually read this one, but from what I’ve heard it basically just teaches kids about the importance of keeping secrets.

.

..

.

.

.


Itchin’ To play but don’t wanna pay? Well, you’re in luck! With just a little imagination and a lot of sandpaper, you can turn that “Boring Old Craft Box” into an “Amorous Shaft Box”!

Make Your Own Sex Toys has fifty easy projects that will allow you to experience the same pleasure that people who can afford sex toys feel. And they make great Christmas gifts, too! 

Here are just a few of the titillating trinkets you can create:

.

.

Pipe-Cleaner Adjustable Cock-Ring

.

.

.

Fuzzy Ben-Wa Balls

.

.

.

Stuffed Hose Pocket Vagina

.

.

.

Lazy Man’s Lasciviousness

.

..

Armless Amelie

.

If you want to “Get The Lead Out Without Pulling The Bread Out”, I strongly suggest you buy this book.

**

.

.

.

“Peek-a-Poo What’s In Your Diaper?” is a mystery book that will appeal to the young, old, incontinent and/or senile.

Here’s what a few of the readers had to say.

.

‘What’s in Your Diaper’ is the shit! -For real, yo.”

-L’il Wayne

.
.

“Is it candy? Is it flowers? What’s in there? You’ll have to read it to find out!”

-Paula Abdul

.

.

“The ending is so shocking that I shat myself! But then again, I was going to do that anyway…”

-My Aunt Doris

.

*Thank-you for taking the time to check out these enlightening reads. And remember, if you’d like to purchase any of these festive fables for you or your loved ones, email me at bschooled@hotmail.com for a quote.

.

.

.