Love is a many splendored thing. I should know, because I was in it.

For those of you who don’t know, I recently fell in love with a man I met online.  Trust me when I say that the love Jude81 and I shared was splendored.

But just like any great love story (eg. The Notebook, Serendipity, Fatal Attraction) ours has a beginning, middle and end. (Also a prologue, which you can read here, under the section titled “Poet Turned-ESL Guy”.)

This is how it all began.

Part I: The Beginning

I first met Jude81 unexpectedly one night, when- just like any non-cougar suffering from severe insomnia would do- I joined a dating site for older women seeking younger men.

Almost immediately, my inbox was filled with dozens of messages, all from young, hard-bodied cubs who were sick of dating girls from their own generation and wanted a woman with more life experience*.

*money

Call it fate/an inexplicable fascination with illogical vernacular, but there was one profile in particular that caught my attention:

.

As you can tell from his pic, it obviously wasn’t love at first sight. But after reading his poetic words, I was smitten.

.

.

Over time, our love grew.

Then one day, tragedy struck.

.

**Side Note- Being the modest man that he is, I didn’t find out until later that he actually owns the orphanage (I know I keep bragging about this, but can you blame me? He OWNS his own orphanage!) and that technically it isn’t in London, but rather the US and/or the Ukraine. But we’ll get to that later.

Things went from bad to worse when, shortly before I was to fly out to meet him and the orphans, I received the following message:

Needless to say, what happened next I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, let alone my future husband.

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 26 Jun

Baby,
yah the operation went successful but there is a little problem
The doctor said my chest is too tight that my heart can’t beat normally but is okay.

My love, i must ask a favor. can you help with part of my hospital bills? am very broke and need help.

I love you and hope you love me too.

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 27 Jun

My Love,

I can’t believe they’re making you pay for your hospital bills! The last thing that you need right now is financial stress, you just had a mysterious operation for heaven’s sake!

Of course I will help you. I don’t want to brag, but over the years my company has donated millions of dollars to medical facilities all over the world.

Just give me the phone number of the hospital as well your Doctor’s name and type of operation (I’m assuming some sort of facial reconstruction?), and I will take care of it.

Get Well Soon My Love,
My Love xoxo

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 27 Jun

There is no need my love am done with my operation
the operation was $27,000usd my aunt was able to come up with $19,000usd for the hospital bills am hoping she can get the rest of the money by next week for me to be discharged from the hospital.

i love you

Hugs and kisses,
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 30 Jun

Sorry it took baby so long to get back to you.

Your last message inspired me to fly to LA and meet with my plastic surgeon about having some work done. Nothing serious, just a little tightening of certain problem areas.

Anyway, I was thinking that maybe after my labiaplasty surgery I could fly to London for a visit? No hanky panky, of course (the doctor says I have to wear bandages “down there” for 6-8 weeks), but then again we have the rest of our lives for that.

Let me know what you think.

Nobody Puts Me In a Corner,
Baby

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 30 Jun

baby i hope it is nothing serious, i love you so much the apple of my eyes.

baby the orphanage is a little bit rough, do you have anything to assist the orphanage with, am not too financially stable right now.

love you till the end of time
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 30 Jun

Don’t worry, my visually unappealing love bug. Your angel baby will be fine.

Nothing would make me happier than to help the orphanage. Tell me, what are orphans into these days? Non-perishable food items? Mops? The soundtrack from the movie Annie? Just tell me what they need and I will take care of it.

Also, please let me know your thoughts on our future living arrangements. I’d tell you to move here, but my parents are extremely judgmental.

They don’t understand how I can be in love with someone I’ve never met and am not attracted to in the slightest.

Loving you for what’s on the inside (only),
Angel Baby Eye Apple

___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 1 Jul

Baby why will they be judgmental because we have not seen each other i promise
when am done with this we will be together forever.

No baby that is not what the orphanage children want believe me
next week will be the orphanage 7th aniversary so i need buy some new furniture,clothes,shoes,paint and more. Everything cost worth $55,000

please if you can help but baby if you are not comfortable i will understand.

I love you my Angel.

Lot of Kisses to you
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 2 Jul

My family is just old-fashioned. They believe that love is based on deep affection and mutual attraction, not something you just throw away on some random stranger with horrible grammar and a shit-eating grin.

Sigh…parents…what can you do?  Still, it’s better than being an orphan. (No offense.)

I would love to help you out, but unfortunately most of my money is tied up in rope.  I do have the $10,000 that I was planning to use for my surgery. I’m just worried that something will happen and I’ll never hear from you again.

I know it’s silly, a love like ours transcends borders as well as the gravitational pull of my vulva thanks to my devil-may-care attitude when it comes to fornicating with multiple partners (often simultaneously). But sometimes baby angels feel insecure, you know?

Just promise me that you will still love me no matter how I look below the waist and I’ll believe you.

Really, I know it would be selfish of me to put my vanity/sex appeal before the needs of the orphans.

Forever in (loose fitting) Blue Jeans,
B
___________________________________________

From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 2 Jul

Baby i love you no matter what nothing can change that.

baby what am looking for now is $25,000usd please find a way to get the donation I need the children to feel fresh love remember when you show love to children in need God will bless you abundantly

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 3 Jul

Good news, my unsightly lover! I managed to collect an extra $5,000 for the orphanage! That brings our total to like half a million dollars or something!

I’d ask my family to pitch in the rest, but unfortunately they’re racist against orphans.  (My dad thinks orphans just say they have no parents so they can con people into giving them money. It’s an old-fashioned thing.)

I was thinking, why don’t I deliver the money myself? That way the orphans will be able to thank me in person. Not to mention that you and I will finally get to express our love in a non-intimate way. (Only because I still need to work on my genitalia-related insecurities.)

Loving you blindly because it’s the only way I can,

B
___________________________________________
From: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
To: bschooled@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 3 Jul

baby do not come now, you will be the biggest guest of the day  at the 7th year aniversary that is when you will give the children a speech of hope and love. i have told the children and they are expecting you that day.

queen of my heart the apple of my eyes i love you so baby when will you be sending your donation i will buy lot of lovely clothes,shoes and furniture, for the children

Hugs & Kisses
Jude

___________________________________________
From: bschooled@hotmail.com
To: jaysongabriel13@gmail.com
Subject: Re: It’s me, my love
Date: 4 Jul

Me? The biggest guest?  I’ve never given a speech of hope and love to orphans before. I mean, really, how is it even possible?

I know, how about if I write a rough draft and then send it to you for feedback. You know these orphans better than anyone, I mean you’re practically their dad.

I’ll start working on it right away.

Undressing you with my (hemorrhaging) eyes,
queen baby apple of your eyes

*****

Can the orphanage be saved?
Will Jude81 and I be together forever?
Which distended-labia flattering outfit will I wear to the 7th anniversary?
Will my eyes ever stop hemorrhaging?

Find out next time, when I post part 2 of “Hey, Jude.”- A Love Story