If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear the mail order bride scream?

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Because I’m a sucker for true love, I spend most of my free time surfing websites that specialize in the sale of mail order brides.

Call me batsh*t crazy, but there’s something about the idea of logging onto PayPal and having your soul mate arriving via UPS shipment two weeks later that I find almost serendipitous.

Sadly, not all of these 110-280 lb. packages are serious about finding the wealthy stranger of their dreams. Many of these women are actually scam artists, using their fondness for woody perennials and aversion to fashionable clothing to lure in lonely foreign men.

So, in an effort to help future foreign wife consumers, I’ve come up with a game I like to call “Return To Sender”.

The rules are simple:

1. Look at the following mail order bride profiles.
2. Pick out the one you think isn’t really a mail order bride.
3. Scroll to the bottom of the page for answer.

Winners will receive 50$ off their next Russian Amputee* Mail Order Bride. (Click here to see options.)

*Please note- All amputees come fully-limbed.

PS. Since the answer is at the bottom of this post, naturally I will be going by the honor system.

Good Luck!

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Mail Order Bride Profiles

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Nature Lover Seeks Same

Name: Svetlana
Age: 41
Likes: Trees, Gardening
Dislikes: Narcissism, Guys asking if the carpet matches the drapes
Looking For: My ‘Soil’ Mate

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Do You Be-Leaf in Magic?

Name: Magic
Age: 33
Likes: Trees, TLC’s ‘Craft Wars’
Dislikes: Vanity, Leaf blowers
Looking For: Not picky

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“I SAID, HOW YOU LIKE THESE APPLES???”

Name: Julia
Age: How old do I look?
Likes: Trees, Personal space
Dislikes: Close talkers
Looking For: A reasonably priced Photoshop course

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Big Heart, Small Bladder

Name: Natalya
Age: 27
Likes: Trees, Long walks in the countryside, Super Big Gulps
Dislikes: Public bathrooms
Looking For: Some privacy

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I Love The Morning Wood

Name: Ekaterina
Age: 29 (at heart)
Likes: Horny Lumberjacks, A pulse
Dislikes: Splinters, Nature Walks of Shame
Looking For: My dignity

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I Love The Trees

Name: Ok
Age: LOL
Likes: Yes
Dislikes: Seven
Looking For: An English Translator

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I Eat The Trees

Name: Alena
Age: 23
Likes: Salad
Dislikes: Utensils, Quantum Mechanics
Looking For: A splash of vinaigrette

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I Am Tree!

Name: Tatiana
Age: Tree Age
Likes: Tree Juice, Whatever other things trees like
Dislikes: Interventions, People who say they’re trees but really they’re not
Looking For: My meds

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LOOKITMEIMDOINGTHISTHING!

Name: Anna
Age: 34
Likes: Flowers, Jamming on my squeezebox
Dislikes: Hecklers, Nirvana song requests
Looking For: A new schtick

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I Want To Feel Your Branches From The Inside


Name: Luba
Age: 27
Likes: Trees, R&B Music
Dislikes: Park Rangers, Unrequited love, Trees that don’t call when they say they will
Looking For: Just one more night

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Just A Simple Girl…

Name: What do you want it to be?
Age: Is just a number
Likes: Just simple girl stuff
Dislikes: Drama, Tweezers, When people ‘like’ their own Facebook status
Looking For: Love, in all the wrong places

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To find out which of these brides is a fake, scroll to bottom of page.

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Answer: Obviously Tatiana is not really a mail order bride.

She’s a tree.

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