I like internet dating because I get to make-up sh*t about myself to guys who don’t know any different.
Also, I’m really good at photoshop. Depending on the site, my breast size can go anywhere from a modest B-cup (Sisterwives.net), to a back-brace required FFF-Squared (MILF.com). Since I have a thing illiterate, non-English speaking American-types, it’s important that my assets be visible.
Recently, while looking for someone to fill the void Ron left in my heart, I came across this ad.
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Being a single landlocked Canadian woman, I’ve often dreamed of becoming a mail order bride. It’s #4 on my YOLO bucket list (sandwiched between attending a furry convention and dating a guy with an adult diaper fetish.)
When I found out the ad was specifically for men looking for brides overseas, I was disappointed.
But because I’m open-minded, I tweaked my profile and signed up anyway.
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Headline: Rich in Money, Poor in Love
Name: Ben Schooled
Age: 52
Marital Status: Widowed
About Me: Wealthy Business Tycoon seeks foreign woman for marriage. Also, I drive a Porsche.
About My Style: Harijuku girl/American tourist fusion
Looking For: Not picky. (A personality would be nice, but it’s not a deal-breaker or anything.)
*****
Even I was overwhelmed by the response. Within hours, my inbox was flooded with messages from homely-looking foreign women who reeked of desperation.
Like this one:
Headline: Kind, Caring, Honest Man WANTED
Name: Anna
From: Debaltsevo, Ukraine
Looking for: Loyal, honest man. Looks not important.
Age From: 50+
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Worried this nine-iron with the busted face was the same one I saw on an episode of Cellblock 6: Female Lock-Up, I entered her photo into the Google search engine and found this instead:
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**Since beauty contestants don’t like to draw attention to themselves, it makes sense that she’d lie about her name/native country.
Confident that Hana/Ana was the real deal, I decided to give her a chance. (See below)
_____________________________________________________________
From: Anna
To: BenSchooled
Hi Ben!
I’m search for a man who will give his strong shoulder to me and i will response in the same way.
And in case you would like to improve yourself and start living a healthy life, but you don’t know where to start, I’ll gladly help you with that!
If you agree, leave me ur mail address and i will send you a letter-introduction of myself and pics of course :-)
Kisses,
Anna
_____________________________________________________________
From: BenSchooled
To: Anna
Dear Anna,
While I appreciate your offer, I’m not looking for a mail order life-coach. And if I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle I’d join Weight Watchers.
But if you’re ever in the market for a wealthy foreigner who lacks both self-awareness and muscle tone, send me a message at bschooled@hotmail.com.
Best,
Ben
__________________________________________________________________
Date: 12 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Hello Ben
Hi Ben!
Thank-you for the lovely message, it really is so sweet. At first I should tell that my real name is Inna but it happens so that everybody calls me Anna. I’m 30 years old, I hope I’m not too old?
I work in the bar – I’m a barwoman. When I’m free from my main work, I work at the saloon of beauty.
Sad side of my life is that I’m an orphan and my the only close person is my friend who is older than me and she is also orphan. We live in neighbors cities so from time to time we visit one another.
As you see, I have very hectic life’s schedule. It is why I came to this Internet. Of course there is also another reason – I’m not interested in local men, they all love too much their own freedom and I seek family-oriented man who cares about true feelings with his lady.
I hope I’m not too boring for you, Ben :) Tell me about yourself. I get the intuition that you are great business man, is this correct?
I send you “wink”!
Anna
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Date: 13 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Hello Ben
Anna,
Don’t worry. Even if you were too boring it’s not like I’d say anything. We have the rest of our lives to worry about that.
You really are an enchanting woman. I’m surprised you’re still single? You’re quite a bit older than the brides I typically order. But as long as you don’t let yourself go after we’re married, I’m willing to overlook that.
As for me, your intuition was right. I am a great business man. I’m also a risk-taker. While other businessmen waste their time trying to predict the future, I’ve gone the opposite route.
The gamble paid off, I now own a chain of Blockbusters and a number of online chat rooms that I sublet to the indigenous people. I let them pay me in platypus skins and wombat claw necklaces.
When it comes to my personal life, I’m quite old-fashioned. I believe that a true gentleman should seen and not smelled, and a lady should trip gracefully, raising her apron slightly and drawing the folds of her gown towards the right side.
Enough about me. I want to know more about you. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to grow up an orphan, you must have some hilarious stories to share.
Love,
Ben
ps. I just realized that if we lived in Hollywood, our celebrity couple name would be “Benanna”. LOL
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Date: 14 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Dearest Ben
Thanks for the compliments, i feel that I melt like an ice-cream under sun’s rays:-)
Ben, how are you doing there? How do you enjoy yourself? May be I will find a new interesting hobby for myself which we could share together one day may be.
As you know, it is very hectic to work in bar. But from another side I meet many interesting tourists They share with me interesting stories and tell me about their places, as I don’t have money for travel.
Ben, I wish to be clean with you from the beginning. Because I don’t know any English, I use the services of the translation company in my city. i dont have my own computer at home , i wish to afford one and do the hope that in nearest future my dream will come true.
Wish to hear from you soon,
Anna
ps. I send you some of my pictures at my working place, I hope you will like them.
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Date: 16 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Dearest Ben
Anna,
Boy, for someone who doesn’t speak English you sure are a chatty Cathy! LOL (Not that it’s a big deal or anything. I just find long-winded women to be grating on the nerves.)
I’m sure that we will find many hobbies to do together. Do you like to make sandwiches? Since I like to eat sandwiches, perhaps that’s something we can try.
Which reminds me, I should probably ask you how you feel about relocating overseas. I know we just met, but since my current maid’s Visa is about to expire I think it’s best if we discuss it now.
Love,
Ben
ps. Your photos are stunning. I’m assuming you didn’t eat that entire pizza yourself? Given your age, it’s only a matter of time before your metabolism catches up to you. No offense, but as a well-respected businessman I can’t be seen with a salad-dodger wife.
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Date: 17 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Dearest Ben
Hello dear Ben,
I’m glad that my picture could touched you and don’t worry, I didn’t eat this pizza by my own, it is too big for me;-)!
As for sandwiches, yes, I like it and i can make it for my beloved man!
About the question of my moving, I know it is hard question, as I should leave my family, friends here, but I’ll follow my beloved man as I know that I’ll be happy with him anywhere!
By the way I’m going to send you my picture in the pool today – will you not mind to see myself in a swimming suit?!
Ben, what I have noticed is that with your coming into my life, everything has changed for me, happiness and luck filled my life! I feel already so many feelings to you and all this has mixed in my head.
Catch my kiss!
Anna
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__________________________________________________________________
Date: 18 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Dearest Ben
Dear Anna,
Thank-you for the lovely photo. I trust the bikini was for my eyes only and not something you’d wear to the beach? Call me old-fashioned, but I like my wife to be a lady on the street and a street walker with a cleaning fetish in the bedroom.
I was thinking, how would you feel about flying out here for a visit? Of course I will take care of all your expenses., all you need to bring is yourself. Also, a modest wardrobe consisting of a selection of conservative ankle-length skirts and neutral-colored turtlenecks.
Let me know.
Love,
Ben
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Date: 19 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Re: Dearest Ben
How is my darling Ben?
How is my darling Ben? I’m sorry for making you mad wit my last pictures in the swimming suit, I promise that I will wear provocative things only when we stay in private, what do you think?
As for my coming to you, I would like that much. Sadly, I have been explained at the travel agency that I will need passport to come to your country. This process will take some weeks and it costs 150$. I feel very sad, I’m unable to afford this because of my unstable financial position. Ben, dear, I don’t know what to do.
Each day when i go in the bus, I imagine how it will be when we could be together. There is a person who thinks and dreams about you, your warmth all the time and yes, it is me, my darling Ben!
Kisses,
Anna
__________________________________________________________________
Date: 23 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Missing you Ben
Ben!
I have not heard from you, I hope you received my letter and soon will talk to me again.
Ben, dear, I lack you and our communication so much, I hope you will not make me wait for long;-)
Kiss-kiss-kiss you!
Anna
__________________________________________________________________
Date: 24 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Missing you Ben
Anna,
I apologize for my absence. Shortly after our last correspondence, I ended up going to the hospital for surgery. Nothing too serious, just a standard quintuple heart bypass surgery and valve replacement.
Thankfully my doctor said that as long as limit my cholesterol intake and eat more vegetables (something you’ll want to keep in mind when you arrive), I should make a full recovery.
Now, about your passport. Money should be the least of your problems. You’re marrying me, remember?
I want you to know that I take the husband role seriously. After we’re married you’ll never have to worry about taking the bus again. No wife of mine will be seen on public transit! (Or anywhere in public, for that matter.)
I’m buying you a Porsche. Anytime you need to go out, whether it be for groceries, or to drop off my dry-cleaning, that’s what it’s there for. Obviously you won’t be allowed to drive it, but that doesn’t make the Porsche any less yours.
Anyway, I should probably go. My medication-triggered hand tremors are making it difficult to type. For now, I’ll leave you with this poem I wrote in the hospital.
Beautiful Anna
Custodian of my heart
And one day my home
Love,
Ben
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Date: 24 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: My Angel
My dear Ben,
All this time I was thinking where are you and now i found out that you were at the hospital! Ben, I pray God will help us to become together soonest and never stay apart!
My darling Ben, I want to thank you that you will support me in my traveling to you. Unfortunately for me 150$ it is a huge sum! I hope that you will be able to send the money soon so I can be with you.
Ben, sweetie, I am always missing you. I can see me hugging you and you holding me close, because I’m your woman, and you are my man.
Yours, Anna.
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Date: 26 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: My Angel
Darling Anna,
I know how you feel. Call it messy-house triggered loneliness, but ever since I was released from the hospital haven’t been able get my mind off you. Throughout the day I find myself asking questions like, “I wonder what Anna is doing now?” and “Does she feel the same way I feel?” and “I hope she knows her way around a kitchen?”
I was thinking, if the doctor says it’s okay why don’t I fly to your country and pick you up myself? That way I could meet your family and help you pack for your trip. (Not that I don’t trust you, of course. I just don’t trust the female intuition.)
Let me know.
Love,
Ben
ps. Thanks for the photos. I must say, that’s quite the ass in your pic. Maybe you should consider kicking up that elliptical trainer a few notches. LOL (But seriously. The extra resistance does wonders for the glutes.)
__________________________________________________________________
Date: 27 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Disappointed
Ben!
Your letter made me also confused and even disappointed.
It seems you are not too serious about me and our relationship, how then you could forget that I’m an orphan?! What kind of my family do you wish to meet? You have really hurt me!
I’m not going to suffer because of man who has no matter about me!
Anna
_______________________________________________________________
Date: 28 Nov
From: bschooled
To: annanushka
Subject: Re: Disappointed
Anna,
I think you misunderstood me. When I said “family”, I didn’t mean in the genetic sense. In North America we also use the word family to describe close friends, or acquaintances who lend us money that we don’t plan on paying back.
I apologize for any misunderstanding, but I have to say that I find your reaction rather disappointing. Are you always this emotional? If so, let me know. No offense, but as a well-respected businessman I don’t have time to waste molly-coddling a PMS-y wife.
Ben
__________________________________________________________________
Date: 29 Nov
From: annanushka
To: bschooled
Subject: Forgive me
Hello Ben,
Thank you for explaining to me all. It seems now it is my turn to ask you forgiveness. my orphan is a painful for me and it is why I reacted so. Don’t worry I don”suffer with changing in my mood;-)
Ben, you are this man with whom I feel so so happy. I feel really ashamed for my reaction. I love you and to make you hurt is the most terrible thing for me!
I will look for your letter in which I hope to read the words of forgiveness.
Kisses,
Anna
***End of Part 1**
Will I find it in my heart to forgive Anna?
Will our love survive?
Are Ukrainians the same ones who wear lederhosen?
Find out on next time, when I post “Maid To Order-The Conclusion”.
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Just Making Convo 