Friends For Life (Which in this case is approximately a month. Two, tops.)

 

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a woman in the Solomon Islands, asking me to be the beneficiary of her Estate. Normally I wouldn’t bother responding (you know that saying, “Fool me twice, something something”), but after reading her plea and seeing the attached photo, I knew in my heart that God would want me to do everything in my power to help this woman. (I also knew this because she told me.)
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*****

From: e_etters11@rogers.com
To: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
Subject: Confidential
Date: Sun, 18 Sep

Dear Friend.

I am Mrs. Elizabeth Etters, a devoted Christian. I have an Estate uncompleted {what sum of USD 2,142,728.00 Dollars} and need somebody to finish it because of my health. I don’t need any telephone communication because of the confidentiality of this transfer.

Be assured you stand no risk as this is my money. My late husband’s relatives are non-Christian and as I am here in the hospital in Solomon Island they stand around me, waiting to hear I am dead so that they can take my belongings.

To show I am trustworthy, I have attached a photo of my and my late husband.

Please send me your full names so I can prepare the needed paper work. I want to know more about what you do for a living. I believe our father has directed me to you as I prayed and searched over the internet for assistance and then I saw your profile on Microsoft EMAIL owners list.

Upon your reply I will issue a letter of authorization that will prove you the beneficiary of this money.

Titled: ME AND MY LATE HUSBAND

God permitting I pray to be alive when you receive this money so that you can visit me here if you wish to.

God bless,

Elizabeth Etters

___________________________________________

From: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
To: e_etters22@rogers.com
Subject: Re: Confidential
Date: Sat, 24 Sep

Elizabeth,

You are right. God does work in mysterious, technologically-advanced ways.

Thank-you for the photo. Sometimes I have a hard time trusting people, and being able to put a face to your email has really helped me get past that.

Your husband was a very handsome man, if I do say so myself! He must have been quite the heart-breaker back in the day.

Um, I like your earrings…?

As for me, I am a Human Dream Catcher/Planking Instructor. You know the guys you see lying face-down on the grass, or on a bench, or across the aisle in the baggage compartment of the airplane? The ones who almost look dead? (No offense.) Well, I teach them how to do that.

To prove that I am also trustworthy, I have attached a photo of myself.

(I made sure to keep my head turned, just in case the non-Christians are lurking around.)

.

Me.


Let me know when I should book my flight. I’m thinking the sooner, the better. I’d hate to spend all that money and then find out you’re already dead. (Again, no offense.)

B:)

___________________________________________

From: e_etters22@rogers.com
To: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
Subject: Thanks for responding
Date: Sun, 25 Sep

Good day to you and thanks for responding.

Please send to me your full names so I can prepare the needed paper work before it’s too late.

.

Titled: ME ON MY SICK BED

E.E.

___________________________________________

From: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
To: e_etters22@rogers.com
Subject: Re: Thanks for responding
Date: Mon, 26 Sep

 Yikes! This is more serious than I thought.

Okay, give me your home address and I’ll send you my names ASAP.

B.

_________________________________________

From: e_etters22@rogers.com
To: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Thanks for responding
Date: Mon, 26 Sep

Good Day,

I did not ask that you send it to me via letter mail rather I asked that you send it to me via email as we have been communicating over the past few days.

E.E.

___________________________________________

From: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
To: e_etters22@rogers.com
Subject: Re: Thanks for responding
Date: Mon, 26 Sep

Elizabeth,

I decided to send you my names via regular mail instead.

I worry that your husband’s relatives might look over your frail shoulder and read your email. Or worse, they’ll smother you with a pillow while you sleep and after you’re dead they’ll steal your laptop and email me pretending to be you. (Non-Christians can be jerks that way.)

Just promise me you won’t die before it gets there. (I also worry that they’ll smother you with a pillow and then steal your regular mail.)

B

___________________________________________

From: e_etters22@rogers.com
To: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Thanks for responding
Date: Wed, 28 Sep 

My email is private so no one can read my messages, so do proceed and send me your names.

E.E

___________________________________________

From: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
To: e_etters22@rogers.com
Subject: Re: Thanks for responding
Date: Wed, 28 Sep

If you say it is safe, then of course I trust you.

My full name is “Becky Kumbayah Mahlord Kumbayah”. (My parents were hippies.)

___________________________________________

From: e_etters22@rogers.com
To: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
Subject: Bank Details
Date: Thu, 29 Sep

Thank you for your word and commitment. God will surely guide you through this noble course even when I am not alive.

I have issued a letter of authority to the finance firm in CANADA. You are now the sole beneficiary to this fund totaling $2,142,728.00 USD.

Your contact with ROYAL BANK OF CANADA will involve the opening of a new private account. Contact them through their Internet Banking E-mail {operations@rbc-ukplc.com}

Please do not disappoint me because you know what it takes to entrust so much money on you.

Your sister in the lord.
Elizabeth Etters.

___________________________________________

From: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
To: e_etters22@rogers.com
Subject: GUESS WHAT!!
Date: Mon, 3 Oct

Dear Sister in the Lord,

Don’t thank me, I would do anything for a dying friend. And God, of course! LOL

(But seriously, though. I would.)

Guess what! Turns out we don’t have to bother with the bank, I just found out I can get a flight to the Solomon islands for only $1995. This means I can pick up the money in person! Also, I can let your in-laws know how disappointed I am that they are non-Christian.

If you could send me names of hotels, that would be great. Or, better yet, maybe I could stay with you and make sure your family doesn’t try to kill you?

I can only imagine how good it would be for you to have a friend like me in your final hours.

.

Helping you in your final hours

B:)

___________________________________________

From: e_etters22@rogers.com
To: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: GUESS WHAT!!!
Date: Wed, 5 Oct

I would like that you proceed with my bank first and ensure that my project with you can have a good foundation so contact the bank and give me an update once you have.

Elizabeth Etters

___________________________________________

From: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
To: e_etters22@rogers.com
Subject: Re: GUESS WHAT!!
Date: Fri, 7 Oct

Wait a minute…who are you and why are you pretending to be Elizabeth?

I am extremely close with E (I even call her E, that’s how close we are), and I know for a fact that she would want me to come in person.

.

Us, in happier times.

.

Is this one of E’s non-Christian relatives? She told me you guys might try pulling a stunt like this.

I swear, if you smothered her in her sleep or took out her breathing tube, so help me God (it’s a Christian reference so you probably won’t get it) I’ll find out.

B.

___________________________________________

From: e_etters22@rogers.com
To: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: GUESS WHAT!!!
Date: Sat, 8 Oct

Good day to you.

I assure you that you were speaking with the wrong person and not me. I am a person of my word and would NEVER contradict this. I urge you not to trust these scammers who have stolen my mode of operation and are trying to deceive you.

Please let me have your thoughts.

Elizabeth Etters

___________________________________________

From: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
To: e_etters22@rogers.com
Subject: Re: GUESS WHAT!!!
Date: Sat, 8 Oct

HA! I knew it! Okay, so here were my thoughts. First, I was like “What the hell? Why so formal, E? I thought we were tight?” but then I was all “Wait a minute, this doesn’t make any sense…what’s with the run-on sentence? English must not be her first language.” THEN when I got to the last part, I was all like, “I wonder if she’s having a stroke?”

So yeah, I guess you could say I had conflicting emotions.

I was so worried about you that I even made this poster:

.

But I realized that I couldn’t send it, seeing as I don’t know anyone in Solomon islands. (This isn’t a dig because you reneged on your invite. I’m just stating a fact.)

I think the only solution is for you to change your email password. From what I can tell, those non-Christians will stop at nothing to get your stuff.

So glad you’re safe!

xoxoB:)

___________________________________________

From: e_etters22@rogers.com
To: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: GUESS WHAT!!!
Date: Sun, 9 Oct

Please let me know if you are willing to proceed with me or not.

E.E

___________________________________________

From: beckycardwell@hotmail.com
To: e_etters22@rogers.com
Subject: Re: GUESS WHAT!!
Date: Sun, 9 Oct

Elizabeth,

You asked me for my thoughts, but then you didn’t even bother to reassure me that these are normal thoughts that all friends have and I’m not a freak for thinking them. Also, let’s not even mention the fact that you didn’t thank me for the poster.

Friendship is a two way street, E. Even if one of the friends is living on borrowed time.

.

*****

*I have yet to hear back from E. If I don’t hear back soon, I’ll assume that her non-Christian relatives are taking care of the Estate.

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