If I was just being sarcastic, do you really think I would have bothered making the plaque?


Once, when I was a child, my Aunt Agnes showed up at our house for a surprise visit. The fact that nobody in our family knew an Aunt named Agnes even existed was what made it such a surprise.

She came bearing gifts; a few choice words for my mother, a tongue kiss for my father, and for me, a large coffee tin with a slit in the top.

“This is a piggy bank,” she said. “Whenever you have a coin, I want you to put it in here. If it’s full by the time I return, I will give you a shiny new quarter.”

Even at a young age I found her comment odd. If the piggy bank was full, what would I need a stupid quarter for?

But given that she left in the middle of the night–along with our portable television set and and my mothers’ favorite mink stole–never to return again, it ended up being a moot point anyway.

It is because of my Aunt Agnes–and others like her– that I’ve created the “Thanks For Coming Out Award.” It’s a way of recognizing those who-while not necessarily with anything of value and/or relevance to contribute-still bother to “come out”.

The best part about this award is that you don’t even have to enter! Just keep making those baffling/condescending/unrelated comments, and I’ll eventually find you!

The other best part about this award is the prizes, which are as follows:

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1ST PRIZE

Limited Edition Latex Jazz Hands Plaque (30% more sanitary than regular skin-covered Jazz Hands)

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2ND PRIZE

“Charo Is My Safeword”

-An original signed and framed masterpiece, first exhibited on my desktop in May 2011.

Sugg. Ret. Value- You can’t put a price on magic. (But if you’d like to try, contact me at bschooled@hotmail.com and we’ll work something out.)

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3RD PRIZE

An autographed photo from this guy.

Now, let’s meet our contestants, shall we?

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Contestant #1

Name: Brutal Honesty Is My Sin
Found: Tumblr
Interests: Being brutally honest, Calling the kettle black, “The world may never know.”

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Contestant #2

Name: Tess Taylor
Found: Don’t Ask (And no, it’s not because I looked her up after getting hooked on her stupid reality show when I was in Nicaragua because it was too hot to sleep and it was the only English program that was on at two in the morning…though I could understand why someone might think that.)
Interests: Mexican Sushi, Canadian Geisha, Pointing out things that don’t make sense, Reality TV (Or, so I’ve heard, anyway)

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**Update- Contestant #2 has been replaced. (See bottom of post)

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Contestant #3

Name: Minada
Found: “I Hate Dumb People” FB Group
Interests: Smart Jocks, Dumb friends getting smart jocks, Living a punctuation-free lifestyle

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Contestant #4

.Name: Irene
Found: General Hospital Fan Page
Interests:  Stating the obvious, Being told something, Caps lock
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Contestant #5

Name: Kids Say The Darndest Things
Found: See Above
Interests: Overshare, TMI, Raising children who will eventually end up filing for legal emancipation

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Contestant #6

Name: Maryam
Found: “I Love the Jonas Brothers” FB page
Interests:  What are interests?

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Contestant #7 (Final)

Name: Milfs
Found: “Milfs” FB group
Interests: Freeloading, Outdated slang terms, The Law of Attraction

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**Edit- Turns out we have one last contestant. 

Final Final Contestant

Name: Bschooled
Found: Here
Interests:  Thinking way too far outside the box, Being oblivious to where Uggs are manufactured, Ridiculously shiny hair

I just received the following comment:

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**To be fair, at the time I was thinking in terms of actual “styles of dance” and as far as I know none of my Aussie friends are all that co-ordinated. (I mean that in a good way.)

But after reading Kokopuff’s enlightening comment (thank-you, Kokopuff), I realize that I was indeed wrong, and could very well win second place behind Irene. (Fingers crossed!)

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