Reader’s Digest-Rejected Humor Submissions

..

.

*****

.

Deciding we wanted to try something different, my wife and I signed up for yoga sessions.  One day after class I was waiting for her outside the change room when a lady from the class approached me.

“I’m embarrassed to admit this,” she said, “But I can never remember your wife’s name.”

I couldn’t resist. “If anything, my my wife is the one who should be embarrassed. She thinks your name is  ‘The Heifer In The Front Row!'”

– Ken D. (Submitted Aug. 2004)

 ..

*****

.

Recently, my wife was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. To make her life easier in the kitchen, I went out and bought her the KitchenAid Classic Mixer.

“I love it!” she cried. “It mixes, beats, blends, kneads… it practically does the work for me!”

I had to laugh. “Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t give blow jobs. Because then what would I need you for?”

-Joe P. (Submitted Jun 2007)

.

*****


.

Recently, while at the grocery store, I ran into an ex-girlfriend of mine, who also happens to be a total slut.

“Hey Frank,” the total slut said. “How’s it going?”

“Fine,” I said to the total slut.

“I haven’t seen you around lately, where have you been?” the total slut asked.

Needless to say, I couldn’t resist. “Not with total sluts, that’s for sure!”

-Guy whose ex is a total slut (Submitted Jun. 2001)

.

*****

.

Recently, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was “too well-endowed” for her liking.

I mean, seriously…how crazy is that?

*This isn’t so much a joke as an FYI for all you single ladies out there.

-Bob K. Cell #337-6377 (Submitted Aug. 2004)

.

*****

..

My daughter feeds her family healthy foods, but at my house I always have little treats for the young ones. One day, my four year-old granddaughter came over for a visit.

She ran through the door, saying excitedly, “Guess what Grandma! Mom says I get to eat garbage when I come to your house!”

Never one to miss out on a good joke, I walked over to the sink. “Well then, today’s you’re lucky day,” I said, pulling out the wastebasket, “I just filled it this morning!”

-Delores T. (Submitted Jan. 2007)

.

*****

.

One afternoon, shortly after being laid off from my courier job, I was at home reading the want ads when a delivery man came to the door. As I signed for the package,  I couldn’t help but notice his drab brown uniform.

“Well, aren’t you just the shit!” I said, currently-unemployed-tongue-in-cheek.

-Mark L. (Submitted Mar. 2005)

.