…
THE WHISPER 200,000
.
.
NEVER MISS ANOTHER WORD!!! EVER!!!
- Hear a whisper from across a Football Stadium
- Enjoy clear sounds of the TV even when on mute
- Never miss a word at any movie theatre within 4,632 miles
- Listen to birds singing…in Heaven
- Hear noises that don’t even exist
- Track the sounds of wildlife before they are even born
..
But that’s not all! Order The Whisper 200,000 within the next 15 minutes and you’ll also recieve the amazing “Vision Enhancer” at no extra cost:
.
.
.
”I can see your pituitary gland!”
Our Operators are standing by. Call now!
To order by phone call: 1-800-SAY-WHAT?
*****
Customer Reviews*
.
__________________________________________________________________
- Mike from PA writes about The Whisper 200,000: Love it. Works like a charm. works awesome on my partially deaf six year old son also. Whenever he ain’t listening to me, I just stick it on his head and then yell into his ear. Simple to use, no mess. Awesome for a gift.
Overall Rating:
__________________________________________________________________
.
Bill from VA writes about The Whisper 200,000: Now when a tree falls in the forest, I’m the one who hears it!
Overall Rating:
__________________________________________________________________
.
- Helen from WA writes about Whisper 200,000: I am giving The Whisper 200,000 one star only because they won’t let me give it a big fat zero. Because of my weak neck muscles, I was unable to keep the device on for long periods. Not only that, living in a rainy climate meant that whenever there was a shower outside, the rain lightly tapping against the earpiece made me feel like I was smack in the middle of a terrorist attack. Thanks to this horrible invention, not only am I forced to wear a permanent cervical collar, I now suffer from a severe case of Agoraphobia.
I am currently in talks with my lawyer about suing the makers of this product.
Overall Rating:
__________________________________________________________________
* The above Whisper 200,000 reviews are from independent reviewers, and are meant to help inform potential buyers. These reviews are not the opinion of the original as-seen-on-tv-reviews.
.
.
.
“Have You Met–” Album Liner Notes
“This is an album which I have loved for a long time. I consider this to be the most well-bred of all my albums, in that it has more of a “courteous” feel than the others. Although not as intimate as my follow-up “Have You Slept With” album, it still has moments of breathtaking harmonies and light experimentation.
When this record was first released, I remember hearing my songs on the radio and thinking how polite and utterly respectful they sounded. Truth be told, I still feel that way.
I hope you enjoy these introductions as much as I enjoyed giving them.”
-Don Rondo
________________________________________________________________________
Music Journalist Paul Schneider:
Don Rondo isn’t one to mince lyrics. His crooning style of singing never fails to call a spade a spade, and his no nonsense approach is reflected in his long-term lyrical career. However, despite his honesty and frankness, he has always been an extremely courteous and well-mannered gentleman, and his first Gold album titled “Have You Met” is a testament to this pleasant upbringing.
In fact, after listening to this gracious album, one can’t help but think that maybe , just maybe, chivalry isn’t dead after all.
.
The following is a list of tracks from the album:
*****
“Have You Met Ramona?” -0:20
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo (Back-up Vocals: Billy Jacobs)
Don collaborated with his friend Billy Jacobs on this song, since they both met Ramona on the same night. Billy’s raw vocals are a perfect match for Don’s high-pitched falsetto.
Throw in an inventive combination of hand bells (two octaves), pan flute, strategically placed guttural sounds and audible jazz hands, and you’ve got the woman who calls herself “Ramona.”
*****
“Have You Met Stella?” -0:20
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo
This fine song is a curious choice as second song on the album, as Stella was actually introduced while he was working on his follow-up record. Still, it’s a spirited, well-constructed ditty that simply seems a bit out of place here.
*****
“Have You Met Margie?” -0:21
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo (Back-up Vocals: Margie)
The dynamic melody features the Eavestaff piano and Heritage Deluxe organ, plenty of handclaps and snappy noises, and of course, the sultry sounds of Margie singing “Pleased to make your acquaintance” in the background.
*****
“Have You Met Peg?”- 0:23
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo
This is generally accepted as the album’s standout track, and for the obvious reasons. Peg is quite the looker. Don’s instantly recognizable lyrics of approval include a tremendous “Nice gams, Peg!” along with an extremely sweet-talking chorus, words chosen more for obsequiousness than symmetry.
Indeed, Don’s extreme heterosexuality is gloriously proven on this track.
*****
“Have You Met Diane, Delores, Laura and Liza?”-1:30
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo
Side two lifts off with this lovely melody, reminiscent of the introductions given before Don’s first (and only) group sexual experience. The pedal steel perfectly compliments the palpable ache and anxiety in Don’s voice. It may not be what one expects from a normally respectable lyricist like Don, but it’s most definitely a rousing and memorable ditty.
*****
“Have You Met Miss Jones?” -0:21
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo
I find track to be among Don’s most criminally overlooked. Granted, seeing as Miss Jones was his High School English teacher the relationship was strictly platonic, but there really is no other music quite like this grammatically-correct and well-versed tune.
The over-the-top orchestration of Gerunds and Past Participles first smolders behind, then erupts with Don’s inner angst, as he tries to come to grips with the fact that when it comes to proper sentence structure, Miss Jones is a stickler. Wherever this came from, it’s real, and every time I hear it – to quote Don – it takes me back.
*****
“Have You Met Jeannine?” -0:34
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo
If you listen to Don belt out the words “Jeannine And I Used To Date In College” without getting a tingle in your spine, it’s obvious that you aren’t a true aficionado of the human voice.
*****
“Have You Met Charmaine” -0:17
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo
It’s safe to say that “Have You Met Charmaine” is one of the weakest tracks on the album. Whether it’s because the track is shorter than the others or because the ballad style song doesn’t match Charmaine’s bitchy and overly aggressive-seeming personality, is not known. But like Don says in the final verse, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”
*****
“Have You Met Mona Lisa?” -0:20
Lead Vocal: Don Rondo
I imagine his defenseless honesty at expressing love and emotion must have gone a long way with the woman in his life. Even though Mona Lisa wasn’t very responsive during their encounter, it doesn’t take away from the fact that this is a perfect album closer.
________________________________________________________________________
Special Thanks To:
Ramona, Stella, Margie, Peg (aka. “Hot Stuff”), Diane, Delores, Laura, Liza, Miss Jones, Jeannine, Charmaine and Mona Lisa.
Without all of you, this album would not be possible.
Recording Engineer: Sam Knowles (not introduced on this album)
(P) 1958 JUBILEE STUDIOS
Copyright © 1958
.
.
Introducing Du Pont Cellophane.
The thin, transparent wrap that locks in freshness, so your precious spawn stay just as moist and youthful-looking as the day you delivered them. (And without those awful crying sounds!)
Not only is Du Pont Cellophane the ideal solution for transport and every day storage, bulk freezing is also a breeze thanks to this impermeable state-of-the art wrap. Just separate twins, triplets or multiple births, and wrap the extras tightly in individual portions. Label each package with the name of the child, date and thawing instructions, throw in the freezer, and Voila! Hassle-free tots you can raise at your convenience.
.
Customer Testimonials:
“My Lucky Day!”
“While loading my car to run errands, I placed my cellophane-wrapped toddler on top of my car. Only 10 seconds after reminding myself “don’t forget the kid!” I proceeded to get in and drive away. After accelerating to 50 mph, I heard a “thud” and suddenly remembered he was up there. My immediate panic quickly disappeared, however, as I found him safely resting against the roof rack. The best part was that he looked exactly the same as when I first wrapped him!
-Sarah P. Boston, Massachusetts
Good Things Are Twice As Good In Du Pont Cellophane!
.. ...
…
How does a respectable man tell his sensitive, yet extremely rustic and unkempt wife that she’s suffering from halitosis of the nether regions?
Well, the truth is he can’t. Not without looking like a crude and insensitive asshole, that is.
So that’s where we come in.
“Lysol Brand Douche. It tells your sensitive yet extremely foul wife so you don’t have to.”
.
..
..
.
It’s a fact. Scientists at Pazo have recently discovered a new way to shrink those pesky hemmerhoids without having to endure painful and costly surgery. They call it ”The Pazo Formula”, and you won’t believe just how easy it is!
Every night before bed, just apply a dime-sized amount of Pazo ointment to the infected area. Then, throw on a pair of high-waisted flood pants, lean awkwardly over a headless mannequin and grab a few hours of shut-eye, and in just a few short weeks those painful, itchy hemmerhoids will have all but disappeared.
.
”The Pazo Formula…Now Why The Hell Didn’t I Think Of That?”
.
.
. .
.
“Hey you! Yeah you! The kid with the band-aid!”
Yeah, believe it or not that’s what everyone used to call me. The kid with the really noticeable band-aid. Before Soul-Aids, my sore thumb always seemed to stick out like…well, like a big, sore, white-ass thumb.
But thanks to new these cool new band-aids for kids with “other colors of skin”, not only do I feel more accepted by the 15% of the population who are white-flesh colored, I don’t have to feel embarrassed when I get all cut up and shit.
“Now That’s What I Call My Kind Of Flesh Colored!”
...
.
*****
While I was making my way from the local Walmart to my car, I noticed a woman loading boxes into the trunk. She seemed to be having trouble, so I stopped to offer help.
When I saw that the boxes were full of Halloween candy, I couldn’t resist. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough of those already?” I asked, playfully poking her doughy stomach.
.
-Edgar H. (Submitted Jan. 2003)
*****
My daughter–who, at three years old considers herself to be quite the “smarty pants”–correctly identified a series of animal pictures I was showing her: horse, deer, wolf and bear.
The last one, however, finally stumped her—a pygmy marmoset.
-Val K. (Submitted Jun. 2002)
*****
One sunny day, I was walking in the park with my Boston Terrier. Having just finished a strenuous work-out earlier that morning, I was feeling particularly good about myself. To add to my confidence, I noticed that the entire time I was walking my dog, women had been giving me the eye.
It wasn’t until I got back to the car that I realized why. As I was opening the door, I looked down and realized that I had a huge erection.
-Phil K. (Submitted Jan. 2002)
*****
My ex-husband, Dick, also happens to be a real dick.
…How ironic is that?
-Jessica F. (submitted Feb. 2005)
*****
While preparing dinner, my wife accidentally chopped the entire upper portion of her thumb off with a butcher knife. Hearing her horrific screams, I ran straight to the kitchen.
When I looked at the counter and noticed the bloody mess, I couldn’t resist. “So, I take it we’re having lady fingers for dessert?” I asked, trying usuccessfully to keep a straight face.
-Bill J. (Submitted Apr. 2004)
.
..
Cooperation
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
Creativity
.
..
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
..
.
.
...
.
Competency
.
.
.
.
.
.
…
.
..
.
..
..
Comedy
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
...
.
Circumspection
.
.
When God Smiled On Ronald Coyne- Album Liner Notes
‘
“The idea for this album came to me after being unexpectedly and miraculously smiled on by God. Though I’ve always been a self-professed legendary singer, before my new ‘friend’–Ha! It still feels so weird calling him that!–flashed those pearly whites of his on me, I never really had much to sing about.
But after that momentous–albeit slightly awkward–event, I suddenly found the inspiration I needed to record this album.
I hope you enjoy it.
-Ronald Coyne
_________________________________________________________________________
Music Journalist Sam Davis:
When God Smiled On Ronald Coyne” is one of the most underappreciated albums of all time. Released six months before Bill Thompson’s double-platinum album “He Touched Me” hit the shelves, Coyne’s songs were just slightly ahead of their time, regarded by critics as being “a little too risqué” and “a lot too far-fetched”. Which was a shame, seeing as it was the best (not to mention only) Ronald Coyne album ever made.
In fact, had the critics actually sat down and listened to the album from cover to cover, they might have come to appreciate Coyne’s no holds barred lyrics, and perhaps even believed that God really did smile on Ronald Coyne, even if it was in a slightly mocking and mildly sarcastic manner.
.
The following is a list of tracks from this album:
.*****
“Are You Smiling On Me? Or On The Guy Behind Me?” -4:04
Lead Vocal: Ronald Coyne
This song describes how Ronald Coyne first felt when he being was smiled on by God. Set to a simple, unassuming beat, he sings about the questions running through his mind, turning the most boring of internal conversations into an eclectic style of music.
The delightful chorus (“He’s probably smiling on that guy over there / The one with the sandals and Jesus-like hair / Should I smile back on him?/ Or would that make me look dim? ) and the semi-instrumental humming aptly describes the feelings of uncertainty Ronald was trying to express.
. ..
*****
“I’m Pretty Sure The Smile Was On Me” -3:27
Lead Vocal: Ronald Coyne
The track “I’m Pretty Sure The Smile Was On Me” has sweet harmonies, an interesting vibratto effect and ends with a terrific fade-out by the McDonald Sisters (two inspirational and confident young ladies who claim they were also smiled on by the diety).
*Historical Note: The lyric “At least God didn’t smile on them”, refers to Ronald’s obnoxious sister Helen, second-cousin Marty, and Doug Miller, the high-school bully who terrorized Ronald on a daily basis, thus making his adolescent years a living hell.
*****
“Does This Mean We’re Friends Now?” -3:45
Lead Vocal: Ronald Coyne
“Does This Mean We’re Friends Now?” proved that Coyne could make completely satisfying music without turning it into a major production. The only problem being that judging by the meek and reticent lyrics, it certainly doesn’t sound like self-confidence was one of Ronald’s strengths.
.
*****
“I Wish A Girl Would Also Smile On Me” -2:52
Lead Vocal: Ronald Coyne (BackgroundVocals: Alice Coyne)
The combination of Ronald’s beeseeching voice and his mother Alice melodiously pleading in the background, truly makes this a song to remember.
*****
“When God Smiled On Ronald Coyne” (Title Track) -5:21
Lead Vocal: Ronald Coyne
Sung in third person, Ronald shows off both his impressive vocal range and emotive phrasing. Unfortunately, even the fine melody couldn’t elevate this track, and it became his lowest charting single since “Maybe It Was Just A Facial Twitch,” the first release that was sung and then later recanted by Coyne, after certain critics claimed that it ”painted God in a negative light”.
It’s really too bad. The catchy lyrics such as “Smilin’ Right Back On ‘Ya!” along with the clapping sounds Ronald makes as he repeatedly high-fives himself, are definitely one of the highlights of this album.
.. . ..
*****
“When God Smiled On Ronald Coyne” (Instrumental) -64:34
Same as above, only without the lyrics. And much longer.
_________________________________________________________________________
Special Thanks To:
God, for smiling on Ronald Coyne (aka. me), my Mom/Manager/Producer Alice Coyne, and last but not least, the venacularly gifted Alan Truitt, whose previous ‘album liner-note type commentary’ inspired me to create my own.
*Recorded live in Shreveport, Louisiana on December 9, 1974
Recording Engineer: Alice Coyne Photography: Alice Coyne Art Direction: Alice Coyne Cover Photo by: Alice Coyne
(P) 1974 FAREFIELD STUDIOS. 1610 Farefield Avenue. Shreveport, Louisiana 71106
Copyright © 1974
.
Tracy Harper may not care that she’s a lard-ass, but her mother sure does.
Not only is Tracy eating her parents out of house and home, her mother has had to spend all of her free time making clothes for her morbidly obese daughter, using such aesthetically-unpleasing materials as vinyl laminated nylon tarps and Glad Easy-Tie big orange garden bags. But not anymore.
Thanks to Sears new “chubby section”, heifers like Tracy can dress like every other Nurse/Grandmother/Naughty Schoolgirl hybrid, and not feel as though they are being ostracized from society just because they have no willpower and/or self-restraint. And with their extremely stretchy fabric and elasticized waistbands, not only are these clothes super comfortable, they will see those lazy salad-dodgers of yours through their next hundred (or so) tubs of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky* Monkey.
Sears. Showing Our Youth That Really Fat Can Be “Really Phat!”
*Gratuitous pun brought to you by the Sears Entertainment Section. Featuring the new DVD release , “Tom Bergeron Live- The Man Who Really Puts The “Groan” In “Grownup”!
.
.
.
..
“Are you sure I’ll still be a virgin?”
-Janet, Virgin
.
No, Janet, we’re not sure. Only God knows the truth. But regardless, it’s obvious that your menstrual cycle isn’t going to stop on it’s own, and right now tampons are the most reliable and convenient option out there.
With their discreet, durable wrapper and contoured anti-slip grip, Tampax has what it takes to protect you from those unexpected and horribly embarrassing leaks. So even if you’re hymen doesn’t remain intact, at least your tampon will.
.
Tampax. Protecting and Potentially Deflowering Virgins For Over 50 Years
..
.
.
..
.
..
.
Ha! Of course not. Your handsome and studly father tapped many, many asses before finally hitting up your Mom. (And really, that’s how it should be.) But he didn’t do it alone.
Canadian Club Whiskey was right there beside him, every step of the way.
Our liquid panty-remover is blended before ageing, which allows the subtle flavors of the rye, rye malt, barley and corn to come together perfectly. The result is a smooth, mellow flavor that helps your Dad loosen up and helps his lady friends “get their party on”.
.
Canadian Club Whiskey-Because Without It, Your Dad Would Be As Boring as Your Mom!
.
..
..
.
.
.
“Straight from the areola to that great tasting cola!”
They’re Never Too Young For Coke!
.
.
.
“I Ain’t Into That” -Dr. C. Dexter Wise III
.
Track Listing
“No Way, Man, That Wasn’t Me”
“You Got The Wrong Guy”
“I’m A Reverend, I Ain’t Allowed to Be Into That!”
“Maybe It Was My Twin Brother”
“His Name Is Dr. C. Dexter Too”
“Yeah, He’s A Real Pervert”
.
.
. .
.
. .
. ”By Request Only” -Ken
Track Listing
*cough*
*dead air*
*a pin drops*
*crickets chirping*
*tumbleweed rolls by*
*more dead air*
“…Er, Anyone?”
. .
. .
.
.
.
“How To Keep Your Husband Happy” -Debbie Drake
.
Track Listing
“Be 30 Years Older Than Him”
“Wear A Unitard/Turtleneck Ensemble”
“Cut Your Hair Like Bea Arthur”
“Pretend You’re A Gymnast”
“Keep Toes Pointed At All Times”
“Do Random Scissor Kicks”
..
.
“I’m A Different Me”-Lottie Adams
Track Listing
“I’m Still Me, Only Different”
“No, I Didn’t Get My Hair Cut”
“I’m Not Wearing Contacts”
“I’ll Give You A Clue, It Rhymes With ‘Native Mindian’“
“That’s It!”
“My New Name Is Pocahontas”
“My Last Name Is Still Adams, Though”
..
..
.
lolcat
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
....
. .
.
.
.
WTF cat
.
.
..
..
.
.
.
..
.
.. 
TMI cat
..
.
.
.
.
.
…
..
.
…
..
.…
Catnip
.
…
.
.
…..
.
..
Cat naps
..
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
*****
Halloween is a big event in our neighborhood—decorations, haunted houses, and many of the adults even dress up in costumes. Shortly after moving in, I was taking my children trick-or-treating when I noticed that one particular woman who came to the door was dressed as a pirate. I complimented her on her choice in costume while she gave the kids their candy.
A month later I bumped into the same woman at the grocery store. Imagine my embarrassment when I realized that she was, in fact, a pirate.
-LeAnne M. (Submitted Jan. 2007)
*****
My date–who also happened to be a gynecologist–and I were chatting in the theatre during a lull in the movie, when suddenly he felt a sharp tap on his shoulder.
“Excuse me,” said the lady sitting behind us, “but I can’t hear!”
“I’m sorry,” my date replied matter-of-factly, “but unless your ears are located in your vagina, I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you.”
-Doreen J. (Submitted Sept. 2005)
*****
Having been an English teacher for many years, I tend to be a little fussy when it comes to grammar. After noticing a typo on the menu at the restaurant one day, I couldn’t resist having a little fun with the waitress when she came to take our order.
“What’ll it be?” the waitress asked.
“I think I’ll have the chicken noodle soop,” I replied, tongue-firmly imbedded-in-cheek.
-Harold H. (Submitted Sept. 2004)
*****
A co-worker came in to work one morning looking rather disheveled. When I asked what was wrong, she replied, “Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel off balance?”
I had to chuckle. What she didn’t realize was that I suffer from Superior Canal Dehiscence Syndrome, a debilitating balance disorder caused by a gap in the temporal bone leading to the irreversible dysfunction of the ear canal, the symptoms of which are elicited by sound or pressure secondary to a dehiscent superior semicircular canal.
-Judy G. (Submitted Mar. 2002)
*****
Soon after having my second child, I felt a little self-conscious about my body. It seemed as though gravity was taking over sooner than I’d expected.
However all of my fears were put to rest one afternoon, when my Boss walked by my desk and said light-heartedly, “Boy, you sure do have a great set of tits!”
-Alison G. (Submitted Jun. 2003)
