B’s Unique Greeting Cards
September 28, 2009
It’s not you, it’s your horse-face
You really know how to hock a loogie
Sorry to hear about your non-existent thyroid problem
FYI, teabagging is not a “schtick”
If celebrating Thanksgiving by dressing up as a Pilgrim and watching porn all day is wrong, then I don’t want to be right
You make me want to be a more sexually-reassigned woman
lol! I’m thinking your “cutting through the crap” card line is destined to outshine Hallmark.
Talon,
I don’t know how you do it, but sometimes it’s like you can read my mind. I was thinking the exact same thing!
It’s like we’re kindred spirits or something…
Anyway, Talon, thank-you for the outstanding comment. It’s pretty obvious that I’m the change you want to see in the world, and trust me when I say I won’t let you down.
Bschooled:)
Great Job Bschooled! I’m glad to see that you’re not pissing around in your corner office, but instead bringing some intellectual assets to our new companies. I love them all.
I’ve been doing a lot of research lately on niche markets. I want to expand that idea from just the romance novels to everything. See, just about every market that we would try to break into is flooded to the gills. Mostly with steaming horseshit, but that doesn’t matter. My point is that if we want to be successful, we need to reach out to tiny little subsets of people that no one else is bothering with. If we know our audience precisely they can’t do anything else but buy our goods/services/service/art/greeting cards/etc/etc. So I thought of a few prototype models to reach into some niche markets.
The turrets niche: Hey you cocksucker, have a Happy Bitch Birthday Mother Fucker!
The OCD niche: 1234 Happy 1234 Birthday 1234 Jeff 1234 4321 Enjoy 4321
The golden shower niche: Happy Birthday Jeff!! I got you a cake, but I pissed all over it.
The stalker niche: Happy Birthday Maria! I’m in your backyard with your present!
The groin mauling niche: I hope you have a Painful Painday!! Now come here, and bring your junk.
The gypsy niche: Happy Anniversary from your father-in-law! I bought you a rose, to remember me by.
I don’t know, it was just an idea. I tend to go off half-cocked sometimes after hanging with the groin mauling niche. So maybe it’s too much? Bad idea? By the way; is teabagging really not a shtick? Shit.
Scott,
These are fantastic! I only wish I would have thought of them myself (but I guess that’s why God invented cut and paste).
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into a card store and asked the cashier questions like “Do you have any Birthday cards for Urolagnia enthusiasts?” or “I’ve been trying to maul this guy’s groin for a while now, can you help me?”
Needless to say, more often than not I end up walking out empty-handed.
Anyway, I really think you’re on to something here (and by you’re I mean we’re). And since it’s only a matter of time before we get going on this cash cow, we should probably start out by splitting-up the niche markets. So how about if you look into fetishism, necrophelia and the third-sex, and I’ll check out enlarged areolas, homicidal maniacs and micropenises. Deal?
Great job, Scott. You make me want to be a more open-minded person.
(FYI, that last comment was also one of my original unique cards…my, how I’ve grown since then!)
That’s why God made us partners! Because together we have one super-smart brain. While I’m still not quite sure what a cash cow is or how you would ‘milk’ it, I agree that we should make haste as they say. I’m really not sure what haste is, or how to make it either. Anyway, I agree that we should split up the niches and get to work.
This is the best that I could come up with on short notice…
S&M: Merry Christmas! Now unwrap that present and wrap me! Oh, and could you choke me with a ball gag too?
S&M: Happy 30th!! That’s 30 whacks with a horse whip for me!
Golden Shower: Happy Valentine’s Day! Will you be my toilet?
Chronophilia: Happy 18th to you Steve, and Happy 65th to you Tom, now will you both have sex with me?
Troilism: Happy Birthday Steve, I got you my wife. I’ll be in the closet. If you don’t mind?
Dacryphilia: Sorry you lost your job; will you have sex with me while you are still crying?
Emetophilia: Could you drink this Ipecac, and then have sex with me?
Formicophilia: Lets go have sex on that ant hill!
Lactaphilia: Congrats on the baby; but could you unhinge him and let me have a go?
Narratophilia: Hey turrets boy, come over here and talk to me.
I actually have to take a break; I’m making myself kind of queasy. This sure has been an eye opening experience. I found a page on Wiki to learn more…. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias
That may help if you’re playing along at home. I kind of wish I never found that page though. I feel dirtier than when I got turned on by Dick Cheney. I realize that I have a lot of work left to do. I don’t even know what the third-sex that you referred to is, and now I’m frankly afraid to find out. I’ll get back to work in a few hours. Maybe I’ll start back up after I’ve thrown up and turned on the God-damned emetophiliacks.
Ha!
Scott, you are like a Unique Card Mensa! And let me tell you, Golden Showers are definitely your strong point. Which reminds me, I have a card for you:
FYI, Golden showers are a “schtick”
I hope you like it, that one took quite a bit of my blood, sweat and tears. (as well as other bodily fluids)
Anyway, you’ve done a fantastic job, and I will definitely check out Wiki and start on my share of the work…right after I go throw up a little in my mouth.
(for some reason I started feeling mildly ill right after the first S&M card, and it turned into a violent case of nausea when I reached Lacaphilia…there must be something going around?)
Once again, great work. Oh, and in case you’re interested, here’s some easy reading on the third-sex… http://guanabee.com/2009/09/jamie-lee-curtis-hermaphrodite
Once again my eyes have unfortunately been opened. I also threw up in my mouth….and everywhere else in a violent fit of projectile vomiting. I always thought Jamie Lee Curtis was hot. Why am I always so naive?
I do love my card, and I assume that you meant ‘writing’ about golden showers is my strong suit? I have a hard time taking a piss when there is somebody nearby in a public restroom. Of course that might be because I always use the Minnesota airport mensroom. It tends to get a little crowded. I’m the best ever at ‘taking the piss,’ as the Brits say though!
….and i thought i was the only one who celebrated Thanksgiving this way. Pilgrims are totally sexy in a puritanical way of course..
I know what you mean, Lynn…there’s just something about those European settlers that totally turns my crank. In a socially-acceptable way, of course.
Thanks for the comment Lynn, it’s good to see you again.
Bschooled:)
Your editor, Yang, here. It’s all in the design. You must create some sort of suspense with a cover and an inside of a card. It’s all about turning the page! Knock-em dead!
It’s not you….
it’s your horse-face
You really know….
how to hock a loogie
Sorry to hear about….
your non-existent thyroid problem
FYI….
teabagging is not a “schtick”
If celebrating Thanksgiving by dressing up as a Pilgrim…..
and watching porn all day is wrong, then I don’t want to be right
You make me want…..
to be a more sexually-reassigned woman
Yang,
You’re absolutely right. Sometimes I let my obsession with immediate gratification get in the way of what’s truly important.
In fact, maybe it’s not what the card says, but what it doesn’t say that makes all the difference.
It’s not you, but I can’t tell you what it is
You really know that thing you know how to do
Sorry to hear about that condition you don’t really have but use as an excuse
FYI, I don’t think that thing you always do is a “schtick”
If celebrating Thanksgiving by dressing up as that thing I dress up as and then watching those movies that I watch is wrong…well, you know
You make me want to be something else
(I may have to do some tweaking, but at least the overall sentiment is still there)
Anyway Yang, it’s obvious that we make a great team. Without you I’d probably be just an upside-down apostrophe with a cut-out circle in the middle.
Is there room on the cards to add more info? For instance, “It’s not you, it’s your horse-face”. Is there room to add, “and your fat thighs that threaten to start a forest fire everytime they rub together when you walk”.
Also, you should be able to cross out Thanksgiving and insert any major holiday. There is never a bad time to be dressed up as a Pilgrim.
TL,
I must say that I’ve always admired your way with words. I mean, it’s not something I would admit in public of course, but still.
One question, though. Don’t you think the fat-thighs/forest fire threat is more like a statement of the obvious rather than a greeting card? I mean, it’s like if you were to go up to a large-chested woman and say “You have big boobs so you must get around.”
It’s just one of those things that goes without saying.
You’re right about the pilgrim card, though. I was actually going to use “Cinco De Mayo”, but Thanksgiving is coming up and I could really use the extra cash.
Hey, B.
You know I really take you into consideration, right? You are also aware that I was dumped by this girl this past Friday. Now, after this incredible long period of mourning I forgot that biatch and feel like I’m ready to engage in another input and output relationship [I feel so good about this chick that I'm taking risks with my language skills. How do you like the input/output tang? I also made up the 'oil change relationship' term. Cool, huh? I'll submit them at Urbandic.com, how 'bout that?].
Ok, let me cut to the cheese and be straight [not that straight of straight cause I'm straight, you know]: Do you mind if I make some adaptation to the last card? I thought of something like that:
“You make me want to be a more sexually-reassigned man. Would you care for some Ketchup?”
Looking forward for your approval.
Ivan.
Ivan,
I’m actually surprised it took you that long to mourn. I always thought you Brazilian men had the women lined up like pez candy…
Regardless, I’m glad to hear you’re back in the seing of things, while at the same time upping your English “street cred”. I like the input/output lingo, too, although you might want to refrain from using that around computer programmers…they can get very anal when it comes to that stuff. And not in a good way.
And as for your “cut to the chase” (trust me, cut the cheese is an entirely different idiom), I must say that is quite the original idea you have. It sounds like one of those cards that would probably require an accompanying visual…but then again what do I know. I just work here.
Of course you have my approval, Ivan. I like the way your mind works. (I think?)
Obrigado pelo riso,
Bschooled:)
Thanksgiving has a whole new meaning to me now… You really know how to put the holiday into holiday, ya know? Thankfully, I wasn’t drinking a beverage, cause my screen would be toast.
And news! I’ve got a new bloggie, a new focus for the changes going on in my life. And by changes, in no way do I mean “shit storm,” because that would over the top. Let’s just say… I’ve got a new direction and it actually feels kind of good. Putting the horse in front of the carriage and seeing where it takes me.
It’s a new me, baby!
~April
April,
Thanks for the comment, I’m so glad I could give you a whole new outlook on an otherwise run-of-the-mill holiday.
And I have to say that I’m really looking forward to reading your new blog…I have no doubt in my mind that this carriage of yours will take you far.
Bschooled:)
How about
To the one you want to pass all gas too….
I need to take a breath on this one…ahahahahah zman sends
Haha! Oh, Zman, have I told you lately what a funny Olympian God you are?
Once my company goes public, I’m definitely going to need a guy like you on my team. Those Greeks won’t know what hit ‘em!
Bschooled:)
Wonderful Cards, Bschooled.
First of all, if I haven’t mentioned it before, please accept my thanks for promoting the time-honoured tradition of sending cards to friends and loved ones through the mail. It’s a changing world out there, Bschooled, and I admire your gumption, character and stick-to-itiveness.
Sadly, most young people today would feel more at home if you produced “b’s unique sext messages.” A sorry state of affairs I’m sure you’ll agree.
While I enjoyed all of your cards immensely, I was struck by the one that reads “It’s not you, it’s your horse-face.” Am I correct in assuming that this is a rejection greeting card? I’m shocked because in my day young men really prized women with strong equine features. Show me a gal with wildly flared nostrils, gigantic teeth and a braying laugh and I’ll show you a gal with a date to the drive in every Saturday night.
Anway, enough about me.
Wonderful work Bschooled. You continue to outdo yourself.
Your elderly friend,
Don
Don,
Thank-you so much for your kind words.
I have to be honest, had someone asked me a year ago if I would ever consider having an “aged” friend, I would have responded with an excessively loud laugh and exclaimed, “Are you for real??? That’s just gross!!!!”
And then knowing me, I would have probably laughed again.
But now I can’t even imagine what it would be like not to have a Senior citizen as a (secret) friend! I guess it’s true what they say…you just never know where this crazy train called life is going to take you.
As for the sext messages, I’m sure I’ll agree as well…which is one of the reasons I quit drinking the hard stuff (as of last weekend). But really, that’s another story…one I’ll likely save for your deathbed (just so you don’t think any less of me right now).
And once again Don, you’ve made me see things in a different light. I guess I never thought about the wildly flared nostrils and braying laugh, I was too busy focusing on the wide-set eyes and funky bangs. Perhaps I can modify the card a little…
It’s not you, it’s your hoarse-face?
Or…
It’s not you, it’s your whores-face?
(I’ll have to get back to you on this)
Anyway, thanks again, Don. You are the best (secret) “old-man friend” I could ever ask for.
Bschooled
bschooled, I’m starting to think we were twins separated at birth or something! (Of course I would be the twin that was born 25 years earlier or something, but that could be a fascinating article in The Enquirer).
Thanks for always making me laugh! (with you – not at you!)
Forget the Enquirer, we should write our own story! What with your talent for writing and photography and my talent for binding books, we’d be famous!
Thanks for the compliment, Talon. I’m lucky to have such a funny and artistic twin sister.
Please supply a gross of the loogies cards for my patients. I’ll pay postage and handling too…
Ha!
What postage and handling? If your patients are really that talented, I’ll be delivering them personally!
It’s so hard to meet a good loogie-hocker these days…
ok maybe we’ll just do the handling then
Deal!
The cards are wonderful, you’ve taken the art of brevity to a whole new level. But, what is missing are the appropriate illustrations- if I might be so bold as to offer a suggestion . Maybe today, while at work, you could do some complementary drawings for the cards? I know you are a skilled artist as well.
DF,
I forgot that you knew how talented I was at drawing. I didn’t want to bring it up, because, well…I guess it’s just the modesty in me. The last thing I want is for everyone to be all like “Geez, is there anything Bschooled can’t do? Now I feel so inferior…”
The truth is, there are many things I can’t do.
-I can’t play the harp
-I can’t read backwards
-I can’t see the forest for the trees
-I can’t hurry love
-I can’t do that on Television (although to be fair, I’ve never really tried)
-I can’t handle the truth
-I can’t believe it’s not butter
See? The list goes on.
But yes, I can draw. In fact, my inspirational stick figures have been the albatross around my neck for years!
Let me whip up a few masterpieces for you. Should be ready around noon….
breathlessly awaiting…
Great list. I am currently working on my own list of all the things I think I can do.. very educational to see what you’re NOT up to.. it’ll help.
Ha!
Trust me, DF, it would help me too! Unfortunately, the only thing I’m NOT up to is writing a list of things I’m not up to…so if I did it, I’d then be up to it and would have to quit!
(…I have no idea what I just said btw)
A wonderful selection of cards, bschooled. I can’t tell you how many people I need to hand these out to, as soon as my time machine is complete. That way I can present them at the perfect moment for this kind of devastation.
Or not. Sometimes some devastation right out of the blue does the trick as well.
“Friend (*not actually a friend, more of an acquaintance, but someone whose horrible personality and general boorishness leaves them with precious few people who will put up with them, present party being one of them… until now)”: Hey, CLT! Great to see you! I’ve just had the most day!
CLT: Hey… you… I was just on my way away from here…
“Friend*: Wait, I have something for you. I wrote it last night while drowning my sorrow with Wild Turkey and Klondike Bars…
CLT: Hold that horrible, depressing and unsettling thought! I have something for you!
You make me want to be a more sexually reassigned woman
“Friend*”: ?????
CLT: Jesus fuck! Where the hell is that other card? The devastating one? To the time machine!!!
“Friend*”: Whaaa….
CLT: Not you! Especially not you. You wait here. I’ll be back. Only earlier. You should only see me once. If you see more than one of me, please let one of me know. It means there is some sort of… trouble.
Thank-you CLT. I always try to give the people what they want, even if they don’t realize they want it.
Co-worker: Why are you always so sarcastic?
Bschooled: Because you want me to be that way.
Co-worker: Huh?
Bschooled: That’s what she said!
(it loses something in transcript form…the facial expressions and offensive hand gestures is what really makes this dialogue stand out)
And let me tell you, this “Friend*”: of yours sounds like quite the character….seriously, what’s with the all the quotations and that ridiculous symbol? Who does he think he is anyway…the artist formerly known as Prince who was formerly known as something else?
I wouldn’t bother wasting a card on him, CLT, nor would I waste the tank of gas needed for the time machine. Trust me, it’s not as cheap as it used to be.
Then again, I guess if you were back in time, you could get it for as cheap as it used to be…
Your call.
Margaret Atwood’s new book, Moral Disorder shares some eerie connections to your greeting cards. I know you two are drinking buddies and so you may want to have a word with her about this. I think this is the 2nd or 3rd time she’s stolen your ideas, and really, someone has to stop her.
A synopsis of her latest:
Moral Disorder is the story that traces the life of a horse faced character from her 1940s childhood through to the present day as a sexually-reassigned woman. The tale begins with a recently hocked loogie that a young teabagger falls in love with. It’s an unlikely romance – and that’s why it piddles out by page 5. (It really was going nowhere.) 25 pages of poetry later, we meet lead character, Deena Schtick, also a horse faced character – but one of substance and ham dust. She meanders about for a 100 pages or so until she meets Dirk at a Thanksgiving parade. Dirk is a porn loving pilgrim with a nonexistent thyroid problem. 200 pages of shit happens and then they start up a small greeting card company.
Like I said, something needs to be done about her. I, uh, have a melonballer. The old man leant it to me. Margaret lives down the road. I can see her from my window. She’s scaring the children even as we speak… I’m happy to melonball her if you’d like.
Are you kidding me?
Wow…all I can say is that she’s sure come a long way. I still remember her from the “Are you There God? It’s me, Margaret…” days.
Boy, talk about naive!
“What religion am I? Why do I get a tingly feeling whenever I see a bunch of boys running around in short shorts? Why in the heck are these sanitary napkins attached to a freaking belt?”
On and on and on she went…I’m telling you, if you didn’t know better you’d think she’d been born in the 1930’s and didn’t start going to school until she was like eleven years-old or something.
Either that or she was a feral child.
Anyway, even though her book sounds like it might be a little “too coincidental” (except for the ham dust part…seriously, wtf?), it’s definitely got some brilliant underlying ideas. It’s good to see that she’s finally taking some risks with her writing. So no, even though I do appreciate your concern, Alan, I don’t see a real need for you to melonball ‘er at this time…unless you want to, that is?
Far be it from me to stop you from finally getting your money’s worth out of that useless tool!
(btw, I’m referring to Margaret, not the melonball ‘er)
You’re genius never ends B! It’s all clearly evident in your “Things I Can’t Do” List, which we can see are actually amazing additions to your card ideas. Such as:
“You really know how to hock a loogie . . . I can’t believe it’s not butter.”
“FYI, teabagging is not a “schtick” . . . I can’t hurry love.”
It was like a long literary drumroll, or brilliant editing ala yorksbeans. If you add the material from Scott Oglesby into the mix, you’ve got nothing short of a niche card Eden:
“Happy 30th!! That’s 30 whacks with a horse whip for me! . . . It’s not you, it’s your (horse) face.”
Bschooled has once again taken us all to the chalkboard, to teach some valuable lessons!
Bravo!!!!
Hahaha!
Thanks Invasive1, you’ve given me a whole new direction to focus in.
To be honest, I was finding it somewhat challenging to keep coming up with “new and innovative” greeting card ideas. It never even occured to me that I could just use my “old and innovative ideas” and combine them, thereby creating new ideas made from recycled verbiage that won’t end up being destructive to the environment!
I think it’s pretty clear that we’ve taught each other some valuable lessons today, I1. And now I can finally make use of all those stupid reusable bags I keep buying at the grocery store…
We are related. Thanksgiving has traditions that you just don’t mess with. Kind of glad Grandma is too old to join in the festivities. Because, that just got weird.
Weird how?
Family is family, Will…and you have to admit, the lady is pretty open-minded for her age….
HA!
That’s what she said!!!*
(*by she I mean me…see reply to CLT’s comment for clarification)