Reader’s Digest “All in a Day’s Work” Rejected Humor Submissions
*****
My boss keeps a close eye on employee expenses. One time, while going through my receipts, the boss asked who I’d taken to lunch on Saturday. Puzzled, I asked for the restaurant’s name on the bill. “La Chaumiere, $193,” he replied. “Oh that,” I laughed. “I’m having sex with your wife.”
–M. Bradley (Submitted January 2004)
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*****
I was working as a customer-service representative in a bank when a young man walked over and was staring at me intently. “May I help you?” I inquired. “Not this minute,” he replied. “I’m just checking out the goods.” Blushing furiously, I said, “I beg your pardon?” He then pulled out his gun and told me to shut the hell up and put my hands where he could see them. I was so embarrassed. I totally thought he was checking me out!
–Name Withheld (Submitted August 2000)
*****
I am part of a professional string quartet that often plays at schools. After one particularly exciting elementary school concert, I received a student’s letter of appreciation. He wrote: “Dear Mr. Pender, Thank you very much for coming to play for us.”
My last name isn’t Pender, it’s Penner!
–R. Pender (Submitted Dec. 2006)
*****
One day while at work, our friendly Receptionist, Doris, had put a bagel into the toaster and went to the washroom. Minutes later the fire alarm went off, and everyone evacuated. When we arrived outside, we realized that Doris was still in the building. Not long after the firefighters arrived, one came out with a burned bagel half in each hand. “I’m sorry,” he said. “We were unable to save Doris. She died from severe smoke inhalation before we arrived. But here’s her bagel!”
–J. Greenwood (Submitted April 2005)
*****
I am a school bus driver and like to chat with the children as we wait for everyone to board. On the last day of school before the holidays, I asked one seven-year-old boy if he had any plans for the break. “Mind your own business, stupid-assed bitch” he replied.
–R. Schneider (Submitted November 2006)
*****
Our construction company often hires local laborers for out-of-town jobs. On a contract in northern Washington, we hired a guy who seemed to have an amazing ability to tell precisely the time of day. Whenever he was asked, he would look up, study the angle of the sun for a moment, then announce the exact time. Everyone was so impressed–until he went blind and lost his job.
–K. Nelson (Submitted June 2003)
You’re amazing, Bschooled!
I thought, hmmmmmm, I’ll tap over to Cool Bschooled and see if anything new is cookin’, and the next thing I know, some of the funniest things ever are making me laugh outloud.
Scary though, after substitute teaching a little last year for volunteer work, I can totally see a student calling his driver a “stupid-assed bitch,” so that one made me hesitate.
But not for long . . . these would be great if read aloud by “Jack Handey”, in his gentle, upbeat voice, in that old “Deep Thoughts” bit (“The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw”).
Hysterical stuff, and often the truth.
P.S. My daughter is going to be a Native American in a Thanksgiving play today, but refuses to call herself a “bloody redskin”, or take scalps with the eagle beak knife I slipped into her lunch pail. We’ll work on it . . . a couple of old John Wayne movies will set her history straight . . . and, perhaps, an hour at the Mohegan Sun Casino, causing her old man to pilfer liqour out the recieving door of a local packy, after losing the house. Standard behavior for a drunken mick and his little Indian. Good holiday times . . . Happy Thanksgiving!
Invasive1,
I can’t believe you brought up one of my favorite “Deep Thoughts” ever. Second only to the following:
“Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind”
Jack Handey= Good times indeed.
As for your daughter, just keep doing what you’re doing, Invasive1. But do it more. I’m sure when she gets older she’ll realize that if she wants to be an actress, she needs to commit to the part.
I swear, kids these days…(if you don’t believe me, ask Don!)
ps. Happy Thanksgiving! We already celebrated ours last month, however since ours doesn’t really count, I’ll get to experience it again through the magic of American television. Can’t say I’m looking forward to Black Friday, though…you guys sure can be aggressive when it comes to your pre-Christmas sales!
Black Friday is proof positive that these “United” States are insane. I knew you would be a Jack Handey person! It only leads to another brilliant comedian you must admire: Steven Wright: “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was suspect.”
Ah yes . . . my actress daughter did well in the play, but it’s hard to explain that damn sign out on the highway, “Exotic Dancing”, and try to sell it as anything but girls having fun . . . dancing! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That Chris Rock is another funny guy, when he says that every dad’s job is to keep their daughters “off the pole.”
And lastly . . . your pilgrims got there before ours? WTF! Next you’ll tell me you celebrate Independence Day on, like, the 1st of July! That’s just crazy talk! Okay . . . back to earth. I hope your Thanksgiving was great, and look forward to your next post.
What’s Independance Day? Where I’m from, July 1 is “Blind-Ass Drunk Day”.
I agree that it’s an unconventional name for a holiday, but it works…
Happy Thanksgiving, Invasive1!
What is up with these editors? Don’t they have a funny bone?? These are definitely as brilliant as the ones I read in the 1977 copy of Reader’s Digest that is a permanent fixture in my dentist’s office and at least equal to the ones in the 1982 edition. (My dentist doesn’t believe in splashing out on current magazines)
I know how you feel, Talon. My dentist doesn’t believe in splashing out on anesthetics, let alone books….he says they’re “harmful to the environment”. You can just imagine how much I enjoyed my first ever root canal.
I could always go to another dentist, but I’m pretty lazy when it comes to switching over all the paperwork. Besides, he’s really personable.
But I digress.
I agree, Talon. I don’t get these editors. I think these humorous anecdotes are just as hilarity-ensuing (if not more), as the ones in the Reader’s Digests my Grandmother used to have, which she would nicely lay out beside the fancy toilet-paper doll cover that graced the back of her old-fashioned toilet bowl.
Maybe it had something to do with the improper use of punctuation?
Bschooled,
What a strange coincidence. I actually submitted a “funny” to the Reader’s Digest back in the mid 1950s. It didn’t get published but I still contend it’s a damned knee-slapper.
“One of the girls in the office has been dropping hints that she’d like to leave the secretarial pool and join the sales team….”
That was it.
In retrospect, it was probably funnier during the Eisenhower Administration than it is today.
A wonderful new feature Bschooled. Looking forward to more.
Your friend,
Don
Don
You submitted to the Reader’s Digest..I didnt know they took submissions that were chiseled in stone he he
HA!
No way, Don. Eisenhower Administration or not, that funny is priceless. And oddly enough, it still rings true today. At least in my office, that is.
Our “Sexetary” (as Phyllis likes to call herself…old people are funny that way) recently told my boss that she was interested in moving up to the Payroll department. Well, you can just imagine how hard we all laughed hearing that! I mean, even though Accounting is now where they keep most of us women nowadays, the thought of a Secretary doing something other than “secretarying”?
Well, let’s just say that story kept us in stitches for a good week.
Keep coming up with them, Don. I have a feeling you’ll hit pay dirt soon. You may not realize this yourself, but trust me when I say that you’ve definitely got quite the keen wit about you.
Your friend,
Bschooled
the secretary in the movie Secretary does a whole lot more than just secretarying
That is one slap happy secretary
One day when I was walking out of a Kinko’s a man wearing a sweatshirt with the hood pulled up walked over to me and punched me in the face extremely hard. He yelled, “That’s what I’m talking about,” and walked away. As I laid on the ground bleeding, I had to laugh because I had no idea what he was talking about.
I submitted this to RD in 2003 and they rejected it…go figure.
Go figure indeed! I totally would have published that story, FJ…
If it makes you feel any better, the same thing happened to me. I once sent them a story about the first (and only) time I ever borrowed my Dad’s bicycle. I was heading to the store, and just as I turned a sharp corner, the front wheel hit a rock and I went flying. I ended up landing on the front bar and canning myself something fierce.
All I remember is lying on the ground in the fetal postition, waiting for the ambulance and laughing my head off. I kept thinking, “Thank God I’m not a guy! And thank God this won’t be on America’s Funniest Home Videos!”
Needless to say I can’t have children now, but that’s neither here nor there.
The point was that it was a hilarious anecdote, and they still rejected me.
Trust me, FJ. Those editors wouldn’t know humor if it canned them and made them barren…
Not familiar with readers digest I dont have children so I dont need to go the pedatricians office…and I am under 60…he he …no no funny stuff…great new edition look forward to the informative posts about what propaganda the digest is printing…zman sends
You’ve been missing out, Zman. I’m under 6o myself, but thanks to a Grandmother who had a penchant for giving these inspiring yet recycled publications for Christmas and Birthdays every year, I was the only kid in grade school who had the sense of humor of an 80-year old Librarian/Chemical Engineer.
I’ll get Auntie D to send you a few copies of these comedy-encrusted (literally) publications along with your book order, just so you can see what you’ve been missing all these years. (Pro bono, of course.)
Always good to see you, Z,
b:)
These remind me of the stories I tell that I find so compelling – and everyone looks at me mystified. I still don’t get it.
We obviously have a lot in common, Pamela.
Just the other day I was telling my co-workers about the time I accidentally went into the men’s washroom instead of the ladies. I walked in, noticed the urinals and was like “What the…? Why are the sinks standing up?” Thankfully it only took me a few seconds to figure out what was going on. Good thing the office was closed, or someone might have seen me!
At the time I thought the story would bring the house down, but looking back I now realize they probably had to be there…
OMFG! That is some inspired shit, bschooled.
It’s true. I worship a Fucking God. And not just any Fucking God, but Eros, the True God of Fuck as immortalized by Marilyn Manson in his crossover duet with Raffi, “Cake and Sodomy.”)
I’ll be here waiting for your followup on rejected Amazing Stories of Survival. Like the guy who was trapped in a mall parking lot snowbank for nearly 22 minutes. Or the woman who ran into not one, but two other women wearing the same dress at an important social occasion. Or the guy who nearly died from a sucking chest wound before remembering that 9-1-1 is free, except on certain cellphones, like his and then died shortly thereafter. (His story is titled “Amazing Story of Near-Survival.)
Oh, that Cake and Sodomy!
Raffi sure does bring the house down when he sings the line “Who said date rape isn’t kind?” in his itsy-bitsy spider voice…
Brilliant idea, CLT. In fact, I think I will get to work on those stories right now. I was actually working on one about this guy who was bored to death during an Engineering meeting, but because he actually died (hence the “death” part), I realized the story wouldn’t be all that amazing after all.
I was all like “Crap! Oh well, back to the drawing bored!” (ha! punny)…
The antonym of sub-par comment as always, CLT.
A truly brilliant idea from a truly gifted word artist. The only thing I don’t like about this post was that I didn’t think of it first. Do you realize the material goldmine you have here? Rejected Penthouse letters, Rejected Santa letters, rejected cover letters, Rejected sales pitches, Rejected Rejects….it never ends.
My only hope is that you’ll partner up with me and we’ll create a Best-o-the-Rejected to be sold on convenience store, impulse buying shelves internationally. This was fucking brilliant. And I’m not just waxing poetic.
Ha! Thanks Scott. Although you may be overstating things a little, considering that the only artist I thought I would ever be was a “Subway sandwich artist”, I am truly honored by the compliment.
Of course we’ll partner up, that goes without saying. And the “Rejected Penthouse Forum” letters idea is ingenious! You should probably be in charge of that area, though. I get enough strange looks as it is when I go to Mac’s and ask for the latest issue of “Playgirl” that they keep behind the counter.
I’d get a subscription, but I tend to move around a lot…
Thanks again, Scott. I’ll send you an email to discuss the logistics as soon as I figure out exactly what the word “logistics” means…
Yea, I forgot about the whole torrid ‘Jared’ thing, sorry to bring up painful memories of lost love. And overstating is what I do. It’s almost all I do.
I’m honored to be in charge of the Rejected Penthouse forum letters. I’ve already contacted their rejection/airbrushing (they’ve been downsizing due to the recession) department and got my hands on one….
Dear Penthouse,
It started out innocently enough. I’m an older, one would even say a genteel man, and she was just a fresh faced girl from the trailer park down the highway. Our affair was hot and steamy, and she would do things that my wife never would. Or maybe never could. Certainly never can now. Where was I? She was like really hot. When she told me that she was going to confront my wife I had visions of hot, steamy threesome’s dancing in my brain. Then afterwards we would all go out for foot-long meatball subs. And maybe some ice-cream. Ice-cream would be nice. Yea. Well, when I found out that she had shot my wife in the face, I was shocked and more than a little turned on. She like… shot a bitch for me! In the face! That’s so hot!
Joey Buttafuoco.
Sorry to butt-in, but Scott and I are friends on Facebook and I have never been able to get Dolores Haze completely out of my head. Totally kick-ass funny Scott.
Okay, I release thread control back over to Ms B…thanks for your forbearance.
No need to thank me for my forebearance, FJ, it’s the least I could give.
Because I’m not familiar with Dolores Haze (I know, wtf?), I’ve been trying to Google her for the past couple of hours now. Unfortunately I can’t access it for some reason. I’ve got a bad feeling that my Company may have blocked Google, believing it to be the gateway drug to Hotmail, Facebook and Twitter.
Safe to say that if it weren’t for WordPress, I’d be bored to death here…
Regardless, if Dolores has anything to do with the creation of this Penthouse letter, then I applaud her. This is the kickassiest of funny, Scott. For real.
I swear, you are the only guy I know who can make the word “genteel” sound erotic and Amy Fischer sound like a catch. (Except for the trailer park part, that is).
Yep, this is going to be big, Scott. You can bet your Buttafuoco on it.
Yes, our little Lolita is like a tick with lime disease. As soon as you pick it out of your calf, you begin to feel ill and perpetually tired. Maybe a little depressed as well. Then you realize that the head got stuck in there.
My suggestion is this; sterilize a razor and some tweezers, and pick that little bitch right out. And see a doctor concerning possible complications…..
Another brilliant post. How do you do it?!
These non-starters remind me of the jokes my daughter told when she was a bit younger. You really wanted to laugh, but they just did not have a punchline. Painful. She’s more or less mastered the art of joke telling, and progressed to writing haikus.
They are all SO bad.
She achieves a zen-like state;
Haiku epic fail.
Hey Fantastic Forrest,
The funny thing is that these remind me of the jokes I used to tell when I was younger as well. They also remind me of the jokes my co-workers currently tell (they’re Engineers), but that’s neither here nor there.
I have to say, that is a brilliant haiku! So brilliant, in fact, that I may have to steal it.
(It’s what I do.)
Thanks for the great comment, hope to see you again!
Bschooled:)
“I’m just checking out the goods.” blahahaha I’d think that too!
During my Uni days I worked part time on a photo shop and this guy walks in and says “Do you sell photo frames?” I went “Dah, you’re friggin surrounded by them fool.” As he walked out his guide dog gave me the finger
.
Haha!
Now that story would sell, Frigginloon. But it would probably go into the “Amazing Stories” section.
I can just see the review now-
“Before I read this story, I didn’t think dogs even had fingers, let alone gave them. Frigginloon proved me wrong. Thanks Frigginloon!”
-Former Non-Believer turned Believer
This post reminds of my stint at a local engineering company. I had an inexplicable crush on one of the managers, let’s call him “Shidan”. One day he was explaining his affiliation with the Baha’i faith. As we were about to part, I told him to give me a “Baha’i Five!” That was the end of our involvement.
Haha!
That is hilarious, M. And what makes it even funnier is that I can totally relate to this story!
You see, I used to work at a local Engineering Company as well, and I too, had a crush on a Manager named Shidan. The only difference was that my crush was completely explicable. (Not in the sense that he was attractive, or even personable for that matter, but in the sense that he was there. And I was bored.) Because I needed something (or should I say “someone”) to distract me from my boredom, I went down the list of possible work-crush options with a friend/co-worker.
Finally, after much deliberation (I’m talking months here), we both decided on this Shidan fellow. If you took into account our other options at the time, you’d understand that it was the only logical choice.
It caused a bit of tension between us at first (mainly because we couldn’t believe we’d resorted to this level of boredom), but we soon got over it, and after pinky-swearing never to tell another soul about being enamored with an elderly bald man with a Hitler-style moustache, we actually started to enjoy the non-existant yet friendly competition for his affections.
But enough about me and my friend.
Anyway, thank-you for sharing that tremendous story with me, “M”. Not only does it sound like we have a lot in common, you seem like the kind of person I could totally chill with…
Bschooled
these were good. my very first thought was OMG, did Donald Mills read the part about the 7 yr old boy on the schoolbus? gee don’t want throw the old guy into tyrade so close to the holiday. that one was funny as hell.
Haha!
You’re right, Lynn. I should probably watch what I post. There are only so many more Holidays Don has left to enjoy…
Thanks for stopping by, Lynn! Happy Thanksgiving:)
That reminds me of a story. When Nike was promoting their “Just Do It” campaign, we had a manager that thought he was being inspirational by overusing the phrase. At the end of meeting, “Just Do It”, at the end of a conference call, “Just Do It”, popping his head in your office “Just Do It”, when he saw you on the elevator in the morning, “Just Do It” So one day my coworker did just just that when he told her to get him some coffee. She smacked him and told him to do it himself.
Haha! Believe it or not, I think I know that coworker!
Was it me?
Oh wait, nevermind, I never worked on a Nike campaign.
Still, it sounds like something I would totally do. Maybe I did work on a Nike campaign and just don’t remember it?
(That’s also something I would totally do.)
Hey, look everybody, its Bschooled and she’s making, you know!!
What? What am I making?
Biscuits?
Waves?
Mountains out of molehills?
The band?
A mess?
Babies?
Life difficult for my parents?
Millions?
My way downtown walking fast?
Decisions?
Learning fun?
Gravy from scratch?
History?
Give me a hint at least…
Hahahaha. Yes Ms B, this is why we come here.