Reader’s Digest-Rejected Humor Submissions
.
*****
While I was making my way from the local Walmart to my car, I noticed a woman loading boxes into the trunk. She seemed to be having trouble, so I stopped to offer help.
When I saw that the boxes were full of Halloween candy, I couldn’t resist. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough of those already?” I asked, playfully poking her doughy stomach.
.
-Edgar H. (Submitted Jan. 2003)
*****
My daughter–who, at three years old considers herself to be quite the “smarty pants”–correctly identified a series of animal pictures I was showing her: horse, deer, wolf and bear.
The last one, however, finally stumped her—a pygmy marmoset.
-Val K. (Submitted Jun. 2002)
*****
One sunny day, I was walking in the park with my Boston Terrier. Having just finished a strenuous work-out earlier that morning, I was feeling particularly good about myself. To add to my confidence, I noticed that the entire time I was walking my dog, women had been giving me the eye.
It wasn’t until I got back to the car that I realized why. As I was opening the door, I looked down and realized that I had a huge erection.
-Phil K. (Submitted Jan. 2002)
*****
My ex-husband, Dick, also happens to be a real dick.
…How ironic is that?
-Jessica F. (submitted Feb. 2005)
*****
While preparing dinner, my wife accidentally chopped the entire upper portion of her thumb off with a butcher knife. Hearing her horrific screams, I ran straight to the kitchen.
When I looked at the counter and noticed the bloody mess, I couldn’t resist. “So, I take it we’re having lady fingers for dessert?” I asked, trying usuccessfully to keep a straight face.
-Bill J. (Submitted Apr. 2004)
.
Jessica is on to something here, my Uncle Richard is also a complete dick.
I have a hard time resisting the urge to poke people in their collective doughy stomachs as well.
Funny collection Ms B, really…you know what I’m saying?
I think Jessica might be on to something as well. I have an Uncle named Weiner (pronounced “Vee-Neer”–it’s German), and he happens to be a….well, you know.
Nobody knows what you’re saying like I know what you’re saying, FJ…but then again, it’s not like I even needed to say that.
Tiramisu? is that just a check to see who’s paying attention?
I find them all amusing, but Edgar? I’ve met him and he’s not all that funny. I rejected him too.
I’m with you, DF.
Not only did I reject Edgar myself, I also playfully punched him in his “not so doughy” junk.
ps. You can’t make tiramisu without lady fingers, DF! (Or at least that’s what I was told?)
I had an erection in public once. That is until Edgar poked it and asked the naked woman in the park “Don’t you think you have had enough?”
Hahaha!!
Oh, Bearman, that story could go so many ways…
(Just sayin’.)
LOL bearman you are too much!!!!
My daughters would tell you that 95% of my humor is of the “Reader’s Digest rejected” caliber. No matter. I crack myself up on a regular basis. I feel like every laugh buys me 5 more seconds of living on planet Earth. Excuse me while I go poke myself.
Elizabeth,
To tell you the truth, I think that’s probably just a testament to your intelligence. The reason I’m bitter probably has more to do with the fact that I just “don’t get the joke” half the time.
For most of us it’s either one or the other, but that you are able to appreciate all types of humor (from RD to TL) shows just how discerning you really are.
Val K. is the sort of mother I really admire~too bad Reader’s Digest didn’t!
I wonder how Bill J. is enjoying the dog house?
If only there were more mothers like Val K. Maybe then, children wouldn’t grow up so ingorant to things like “common sense”.
Personally, I wonder how Bill J. is enjoying his tiramisu…
Bschooled, you have managed to do three remarkanle things with your most excellant as always blog:
Made me laugh at 12:26 am, after a hellish day at Chucky Cheese with a 400 pd., five foot tall woman whose only connection is that our daughters are friends, and it’s her (HUGE) daughter’s birthday (she should shop at Sears).
Make me realize that my daughter would not only recognize a pigmy marmoset at the age of three, she would tell you its eating habits. God I love that kid.
Realize that I have a huge erection, which in my case, is an oxymoron.
Or . . . I’m just a moron.
You complete me as always B. I would’ve laughed till I cried, but it’s 12:32 am, so I just laughed. You rock!
Thank-you Dan,
Boy, it sounds like you had a rough night.
I hope that you were at least able to win your daughter’s friend’s mother’s (?) weight in skee-ball tickets. (If the American ‘Chuck E. Cheeses’ even have skee-ball, that is?)
Your daughter sounds like a brilliant girl. In fact, if she has her Father’s sense of humor, I only hope that one day she’ll become a Reader’s Digest Editor, and save the next generation from a bunch of senseless and somewhat anti-climactic “WTFs“.
Thanks B! She’s a gem!
Now it’s 12:34 am. I have no idea why I’m clock watching.
Edgar is continuing to speed date
Val’s a bitch
Phil’s a wanker
(Andy?) Dick is a dick
Bill is now a weekend dad.
Ha!
Oh, those weekend Dads. They amuse me almost as much as “Carol and her safety goggles”…(for different reasons, of course.)
Andy Dick, however, is an entirely different story.
I’m astounded at how remarkably funny these submissions are. I’ve finally come to a conclusion for why they keep getting rejected and what we can do to help these Masters of the Comedic Universe! Maybe these humorists would be better served in the Big Show? The Big Show being a hellacious tour through drug addiction, alcoholism and STD infected small town comedy club gigs.
We’ll just send them to John Lovitz’s club first, to learn the proper voice inflection, facial expressions and timing that will have them earning minimum wage until they finally succumb to cirrhosis and/or syphilis.
I already feel inspired and hopeful for them and for the world as well. And it got me thinking of new business ventures too! If John Lovitz has a comedy club….anybody can do anything! We should get involved in helping others to reach higher as well…..
The Madoff School of Business Ethics
The Harding Sportsmanship Program
Paris Hilton’s: Acting for Dummies
Proper Meal Etiquette Today with Andrew Dice Clay
The possibilities are endless. We can change the world. You’ve changed my world B. For the ‘way better’ too! Maybe I should open a grammar school?
BTW- I think that Edgar would have made it in if he had included the Pillsbury Dough Boy giggle.
Scott,
Thanks to you, I think we may have finally found our ticket for the “Shame-Face Celebrity” gravy train.
As always, your ideas are like golden nuggets. And you’re right, the possibilities are endless. But I was thinking about it, and why should we stop at endless?
I say we kick it up yet another notch and go into “Celebrity (or Celebrity-ish, depending) Self-Help Ebooks…
“Let’s Age Naturally With Madonna!”-Madonna
“Putting the ‘Ha’ back in Hahaha!”- Tom Bergeron (Special Foreward by entire cast of “Three and A Half Men”)
“Success After Oprah”-James Frey
“Keeping Your Hymen Intact Until Marriage”-Miley Cyrus
“Rapture-Ready Packing Tips” -Marilyn Manson
…So many possibilities, so little time.
Tell you what Scott, I’ll get work on the logistics and you focus on the grammar school. Then after, we can do “trade-sies” so we don’t get bored.
(You know how we are…)
“Rapture-Ready Packing Tips” -Marilyn Manson
That HAS to get recycled…I will try my best to remember the source:-)
Tell you what…I’ll trade you for your “nether regions laugh” reference.
No take-backs, though…;)
Deal!!!
I had that same thought while pursuing the endless summer a few years ago. I thought to myself, ‘why can’t this robbing banks, surfing, skydiving and pot smoking summer just be infinite.’ But then Johnny Utah finally tracked me down until I pretended to surf myself to death.
Anywho, if my ideas were golden nuggets, then your ideas are golden bricks…. No, golden pallets filled with golden bricks!
You are the master.
I am your student.
I stand humbled.
And so profoundly happy that you’re my partner!
Although I’ve never pretended to surf myself to death, when I was younger I did try to F-Bomb myself to death a few times. But all I got was a mouth full of soap and my television privileges revoked.
Looking back, I’m glad I didn’t succeed.
We are eachother’s masters/students/humbled standers, Scott. That’s just the way we roll.
Apparently Bill J can’t tell the difference between a finger and a thumb. I’m guessing he has trouble finding a clitoris too
Hahaha!
…Er, wait a minute.
Don’t they all?
NO!
good for you Dave
LMAO that is too funny NM !
Does Bill normally have a gay face?
HA!
No, but normally his face is extremely crooked…
(ps. Without a doubt, you are definitely my “Yang”.)
Isn’t every guy who is named Dick usually a dick?
Hey Anonymous,
Although I try not to stereotype on Sundays, I think you may have a point.
Maybe that’s why it was rejected?
Doesn’t every anonymous poster like to use cuss words?
That’s the best time to use them!
Here in britland we had a council ban a pudding known as “Spotted Dick” (its a sponge with sultana/currants shot through it, doused in custard) as it was offensive. They remaned it as “Spotted Richard” (!)
So, our neighbour, who is a total dickhead, is known to us as “Spotted Richard Brain.”
Haha! That is hilarious!
Why, oh why, wasn’t I born a Brit?
Bschooled,
One really has to wonder what has happened to the editorial standards at Reader’s Digest. Who on earth can’t relate to the joy of wiping the smirk off some self-satisfied toddler? And who doesn’t enjoy a pithy response to a gruesome mishap with a butcher knife. “All thumbs, not anymore…”
Really, these deserve the widest possible readership. I still maintain that you have a fine book in these lost gems.
Your friend.
Don
I couldn’t agree more, Don. I only wish I knew what that Reader’s Digest Editor was thinking to pass up such pure comedy gold.
However, since he won’t answer my jovial (in the rejected submission sense of the word) emails, I did the next best thing and asked one of my co-workers, a guy I lovingly refer to as “Mr. Wonderbread”. He read a few of the rejected submissions, and once the color returned to his face he said that the reason they were rejected is probably because most people believe in laughing “with” people, not “at” people.
Needless to say, after rollling my eyes and then kicking him forcefully in the groin, I told him he should write that ridiculous answer up and send it into Reader’s Digest.
So, really, I guess I’m no closer to figuring things out than I was before.
Regardless, I just want you to know that I won’t give up. Not only do I owe it to the rejected submitters, I owe it to Don Mills’ everywhere.
(?)
Your friend,
Bschooled
For laughing and such:
HAHAHA!!!
“…and they wake up the next day and they’re on fire!”
Pure comic kickass.
“My ex-husband, Dick, also happens to be a real dick.
…How ironic is that?”
It would be even more ironic if he were also extrremely short.
Ha!
And even more ironic if he told everyone that he was extremely tall!
….Or maybe that would just be considered a flat-out lie.
(Depends on the person, I guess.)
Great post bschooled really made me laugh! There should be someone willing to print this little nuggets of gold!!
Thanks Terri! I couldn’t agree more.
Which is why I won’t rest until I find someone willing to publish these entertaining (and always ironic) little “Did That Really Just Happen?” literary gems.
It’s the least I could do for these entertaining (and always ironic) literary gem writers.
Thanks for visiting Terri,
Bschooled:)