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"Hey? Why the Tori Spelling face?"
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*****
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While at a hall celebrating my Mother’s sixtieth birthday, my Aunt, a one-time broadway actress, stood up and walked to the front of the room. After putting a disc into the CD player she turned on the microphone, saying “Happy Birthday Iris. Here’s a song especially for today.”
As soon as she started singing, I couldn’t help but laugh. The name of the song? “Tomorrow”.
-Brian P. (Submitted April, 2003)
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*****
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On the way to my then-boyfriend’s place, I told my daughter I would drop her off at her friend’s house so they could study. Halfway there, she realized that she’d left her homework on the kitchen table. Turning the car around, I lectured her the entire way back about being more responsible.
So you can just imagine my embarrassment when, after running back into the house, she came out two minutes later—her homework in one hand, my diaphragm in the other.
-Karen T. (Submitted Jun. 2000)
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*****
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Because it hardly ever rains where I live now, sometimes I almost forget what it feels like. One day, while visiting my friend in Seattle, we decided to go for a walk outside. Suddenly, it started to rain.
Needless to say, I couldn’t resist. Without missing a beat, I stuck out my hand and turned to her, saying hilariously, “Hey, what the heck is this wet stuff, anyway?“
-April R. (Submitted Jan. 2002)
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*****
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Having learned my lesson the hard way, I know not to bother my husband when he’s watching sports on television. So when I came into the living room and noticed the football game was on, I instead handed him a note saying- “I have something to tell you, just let me know when I can talk.”
It’s been almost three weeks and we still haven’t spoken!
-Dawn H. (Submitted Aug. 2005)
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*****
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While in her first few months of pregnancy, my wife was extremely emotional. Because it was so apparent, we made an appointment to see her Doctor. “Your hormone levels are quite high,” he said, looking over the results of her test. “I’ll have to do an ultrasound to make sure, but I think there may be more than one bun in the oven.”
I couldn’t resist. “Well Doctor,” I said, winking at my speechless wife, “I guess that would explain all the yeast!”
-Chris J. (Submitted Jul. 2007)
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Brian…I think Tomorrow is a brighter outlook song than “Yesterday”
Dawn…just give him a copy of Readers Digest for the toilet. He’ll eventually read your plight.
1. Good point, Bearman. “Yesterday” is a real downer.
2. Hahahaha! Even better point! (Too bad her submission was rejected.)
Dawn will have to print out “Just Making Convo’s” blog…. ;-)
Hmmm…good thinking, TSIB. Or better yet, maybe I could start selling hand-written versions.
“Anything 4 a Buck” has always been my motto….
Miss. B. I have been away exploring this wide brown land, a land of sweeping plains, etc;.
Why did you cut up your wedding cake, into particles no less, you poor thing you, still just shows that the
cake often has more use than a nuptial, I wept at the hidden messages you implied, barely veiled bravery
that made,to me, all other remarks, somewhat lewd.
This is the cost of shared grief.
“While in her first few months of pregnancy, my wife was extremely emotional. Because it was so apparent, we made an appointment to see her Doctor. “Your hormone levels are quite high,” he said, looking over the results of her test. “I’ll have to do an ultrasound to make sure, but I think there may be more than one bun in the oven.”
I couldn’t resist. “Well Doctor,” I said, winking at my speechless wife, “I guess that would explain all the yeast!”
Again, just plain Yoghurt , or if a little playful, with whole strawberries, would even go down with wedding cake.
Your Laird.
My Laird!
Thank-you for weeping at the hidden messages implied in my fruitcake sculptures, Laird. I was starting to think I was the only one who noticed my barely veiled bravery.
Which is odd, seeing as I purposely veiled it in transparent fabric so that people would notice it.
Regardless, I appreciate your keen eye and the fact that you’re willing to share in my grief. Perhaps now my sculptures won’t seem quite so melancholy. (Fingers crossed!) I also appreciate your advice on how to kick my wedding cake up a notch, I will definitely take the strawberries into consideration. Sadly, the Yoghurt is not an option, but only because we don’t have it in Canada.
I mean I guess I could try regular old yogurt, but still…it just doesn’t sound as classy.
Always wonderful to see you, My Laird.
Bschooled:)
I rather like the diaphragm one.
So did Karen T!
No wedding cake will I skewer
or hidden messages seek to fine
a strawberries now that absurd
No upside down cake did the Doctor see
the Reader’s Digest you found
I hope was not in a bowl of yellow
going round and round.
Back to your true post I would go
but I’m shacking with laugher
to much from head to toe.
Haha! Thank-you, Ellis. As always, your ability to turn any situation into poetic verse amazes me.
It also makes me feel somewhat inferior, seeing as it would take me at least a week or so to even come up with a haiku. (And I can’t even guarantee it would correspond to the actual subject matter.)
Trust me, if I ever get my unique card making business specializing in weddings/medical procedures off the ground (fingers crossed!), you’ll be one of the first people I call!
To no wedding do I want to go
and for sure, not to mine
I thank you for the offer
but I’m older, then time
A younger man would best sute you
and not some old goat, like me
Still even if I thought of it
my wife would string me, from a tree
A horse is a horse of course unless of course the horse is the famous Mrs. T
See how far a one dimensional persona can carry you in Hollywood?
from “Saved by the Bell” to “90210″ to your very own reality show and special cover.
Talent.
It’s not really necessary.
Thank-you for giving me my new favorite tongue twister, G!
A horse is a horse of course unless of course the horse is the famous Mrs. T, which would then make it not a horse of course but rather a coarse horse-like whore…of course.
?
Er, sorry about that. I think I may have wrecked it.
I don’t know, I think you got government doublespeak down pat with that one. :D
I’m sorry, B. The funniest thing is the horsey with a Tori Spelling caption. You know it’s just me and something about that horsey . . . and Tori Spelling (and the word “horsey”). Although that’s cruel and unfair to the horsey. The jokes were great, and had that Reader’s Digest style about them, and I know this because my dad used to subscribe, and . . . submit jokes.
Yes. Let’s not go there. He would tell us boys a joke (while binge drinking) and laugh and laugh while we rolled our eyes and fled. Then he would submit a joke and check the mail every day for months – but alas – he never quite graduated from wild, unreadable scrawls on a stained cocktail napkin which usually included profanity and ethnic slurs.
Today he would be called a “niche artist”, or perhaps a drunk Irishman. Hard to say.
Another great post. Wait for it . . . HORSEY!!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I knew you’d appreciate that, Dan!
After scouring the interwebs, I was finally able to find a replacement for the old header, one that I knew would bring back relatively-tame flashbacks for you.
The only problem was that immediately after posting it, I felt as though something was missing.
Turns out that something was this: http://www.pantylinepress.com/plpblog/plpblogimages/tori_spelling_smokin.jpg
So graceful and equine-like, don’t you think? (Or graceful and “horsey”-like, as your obviously humorous father would say…:))
I can’t even work out what that lower limb is in Tori’s photo
I think it’s a reverse-arm.
Thanks B. That link really made my morning (again). Just the sight of Horsey Spelling and a gayly-tossed fetlock . . .
Whoa. I knew a horsey lingo. Where ddid THAT come from.
. . . and now we know. She is indeed. She is, indeed.
Smoking gun HORSEY! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!
And of course . . . I went there.
These would have to be some of my favourite gags and most ridiculous true stories ever! I just cant believe they were rejected.
True story, while waiting at the dentist the other day, I couldn’t see a Readers Digest anywhere, rejected or otherwise. Immediately, I sprang from my seat and called, loudly, so I could give all the other waiting patients a much needed laugh, to the receptionist, “hey, what kind of waiting room doesn’t have a Readers Digest? I’ll tell you, a dreary dentist’s one, thats what kind”. Predictably, no one laughed.
Hahaha! Now there’s the kind of submission that would definitely make the front cover of my Reader’s Digest Humor section, RTS.
Which works out perfectly, seeing as I’ve recently decided to start publishing one.
Well, I guess my Reader’s Digest is more like a Reader’s Digest-ish newsletter, or better yet a “Copy and Paste onto a Generic Email” type of thing, but still. That’s only because I’m lazy.
Great stuff, RTS. I only hope you have more appointments like that in the future. Not because I wish you bad teeth or anything, but because right now you’re pretty much my only contributor…:)
I thought the horse’s hairdo was absolutely clever and looked so much like Tori with her big eyelashes LOL! It’s been a while since we’ve done a proper equine doppelganger, and this one gave me a loud guffaw, much like the sound a horse would make (but at least I didn’t say, “Wilber” and roll my lips). Well done, bschooled! :-D.
Thank-you TSIB! I only wish I could take credit for Tori’s uncanny likeness.
Had I drawn it myself, it would’ve looked more like this- http://asburyandasbury.typepad.com/.a/6a010535893544970c011570a42ddb970c-800wi
(Only the knees would be more “knobbly”.)
That’s a darling horse, bschooled, but looks nothing like Tori. Maybe this is her *after* photo when she gains weight? Just keep it … you never know. ;-)
The point being that if she had worn her diaphragm when it mattered, she wouldn’t be having to put up with her daughter’s lack of focus. With any luck her little homework friend will teach her how to use it so, there won’t be any more of this nonsense to worry about in the future.
You are always the voice of reason, Cooper Green. Not only would she not be having to worry about her daughter’s lack of focus, she wouldn’t have to worry about the extra gas it took for her to drive halfway there and back again.
Then again, it might have ended up causing her to make the same mistake again, only later in life.
…Tough to say.
And here I was thinking dear old aunt was going to do a strip tease :(
Is it me or is there something creepy about a daughter knowing where her mom’s diaphragm is?
Oh my, a dumbass in Seattle.
Hmm, a note you say. I might try that, it would be well worth three weeks of silence !
Grounds for divorce
oh no creepier than my son knowing where my lube is kept……
Hahaha!
Touche, NM!
Haha!
While I agree that’s pretty creepy, FL, I think it would be even creepier if her daughter actually found the diaphragm on the kitchen table…
Bschooled -
I’m always thrilled when another of these “Rejected” posts rolls down the blogtubes. It’s been one of my favorites during my several months of existence, internetically-speaking.
These also-rans are so close to great but yet so far from publishable. I can’t help but think that the phrase “tongue firmly in cheek” would have pushed a couple of these out of obscurity and onto the gilded pages of Readers Digest, where they would have mildly amused literally dozens of people.
A lot might be in the delivery as well. Black and white text is a rather dry format and the proper use of hand gestures and altered voices sometimes makes all the difference in the world when telling jokes.
A good friend of mine from back in the day loved jokes. He would collect joke books and browse the funny papers for new material. He would then corner as many of us as he could and regale us with anecdote after anecdote, all of which would have been highly amusing had he been able to actually tell a joke.
It wasn’t just his monotone delivery or lazy eye that detracted from his attempts. There was also his tendency to inadvertently deliver the punchline midjoke and his frequent inability to include key elements until it was nearly too late.
This often led to jokes suddenly coming to a Hindenburg-esque halt as he would say something like, “Oh, and they were making canoes. Did I mention that?” or “Dang it. The guy was a Welshman. That’s going to make the rest of this make more sense.”
Often several key mixups would occur, leading to a Dada-esque joke that ran something like this:
“Two cowboys are at the Calgary Stampede when they run into a talking horse. At first they can’t believe it, but the horse keeps talking. It asks them if they’ll let it out, as it’s really just a wild animal and doesn’t belong there. The two cowboys look at each other and decide, why not? It seems to be the thing to do with such an intelligent animal… oh… actually it’s an elephant… sorry, not a horse. An elephant.
So these two cowboys are at the zoo talking to an elephant and he asks them to let him out so he can go back to the wild and be free. And the cowboys are like, whatever, let’s let him go. He probably isn’t cut out for the rodeo, being an elephant and all. Then one of them asks him how long before he’s ready to go and the elephant says it will only take a minute to pack his trunk!
…
His trunk!
…
Hahahaha! It’s because elephants have a trunk…”
Well, it’s usually around that point that someone tries to look him in the eye and tell him to practice these a few times in the mirror before unleashing them on an unsuspecting public. He’s spends the next few hours talking under his breath with only a barely audible “pack his trunk” delivered in various cadences, occasionally broken up with barely audible confused questions like, “why the hell would a horse have a trunk?”
I can’t wait for your next installment, bschooled. Thanks for taking the time to dig through the reject pile in search of these bits of comedy pyrite.
Sincerely,
C.L. Tanager
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
!!!!
!!
…?
Sorry, Clifton.
I know how horrible that joke must have sounded to someone who’s never experienced the wonderment that is Stampede.
Unfortunately, having been born and raised in the city boasting this “Greatest Outdoor Show On Earth”, I can tell you that here, the elephant trunk joke is considered to be quite the buckle-buster. Or, at least it beats the other joke/buckle-busters that infiltrate our otherwise barren inboxes this time of year.
Now, while I won’t go into nightmare-inducing detail, I will tell you that these particular “gags” involve the following: Free Stampede breakfasts (the liquid kind just like Dad used to make!), whores dressed as whorish cowgirls, buckles that have somehow been strategically-busted (more often than not with the whorish cowgirl’s teeth), and a co-worker who just so happens to have a video camera on hand.
While the punchline does involve the word “trunk”, the potential for ensuing-hilarity ends up being overshadowed by the realization that the two main characters (who also happen to be your co-worker and boss), are no longer with the company.
Giddy up, indeed.
Regardless, you can rest assured that the pain you felt back then is something us Calgarians feel for ten days every year. (Which I guess would explain the liquid breakfasts.)
Thank-you for the savvy and appropriately-themed-for-this-time-of-year comment, Clifton. Your internetically-spoken existence is truly one of the highlights of mine.
Bschooled.
Bschooled,
I found myself fixated on the retro bangs horsey was sporting trying to figure out who it reminded me of…why, Bettie Page, of course!! And it wasn’t long until I associated her with the “Goodbye Horses” Teaserama:
Before you knew it, I had linked onto the “13 Things a Burglar Won’t Tell You” and I was off to the races (yes, the horse races!!). Actually, it was more like a rodeo since by then I had linked onto the Calgary Stampede to see what that was all about having decided that I had already committed the burglary tips to memory long ago. Next thing you know, my mind wondered off and I was visualizing Bettie Page in cowboy regalia riding a mustang!! My point is that an equestrian look can be quite sexy and you just never know where these posts are going to lead you. Giddyup!!
Hahaha! Seriously, Elizabeth, this video made me believe in the beauty of Equestrians again. I mean, did you see that shoulder roll? Or the way her upper hooves flapped back and forth so gracefully?
You just can’t learn those kinds of moves (trust me, I tried the other night).
They come from within.
b, I really don’t get how these editors pass up these gems!
And isn’t Dawn H. just the most amazing wife? She should have had the fun of seeing her name with initial in print.
That horse’s mane is freaking me out. Truly. Freaking me out! Isn’t it scary when horses have a better hair do than we do? Hey – I rhymed :)
You totally rhymed, T! (You know you’re good at poetry when you can bust out rhymes without even trying…:))
Yes, the horse’s mane does freak me out a little. But to be fair, it does look a lot better than the way she had it in her Beverly Hills 90210 days. (Really, bleach blonde with black roots doesn’t look good on anyone.)
And yes, I’m sure Dawn must be proud of herself. It’s just too bad that she can’t share the exciting news with her husband.
Haha, good ones B. I can’t believe how totally ironic your blog is.
So, a horse and John Kerry and Tori Spelling walk into a bar…
Priceless!
…and the bartender asks “Which one of you is Sarah Jessica Parker?”
Hahaha! Priceless, indeed, FJ. And oh, so ironic. ;)
enjoyed these B!! ♥
OMG,
That yeast crack is soooo funny! ROFL. :) I can’t believe it wasn’t published.
Being pregnant was just superduper but I can totally relate to the hormones – I had them too. Big Time! Lol! Still, totally worth it. My kids are so amazing.
I can’t imagine ever taking Jack to one of my Doctor’s appointments. It would be tres weird. Ha ha. :)
A speechless wife???? LOL. Jack will laugh at that one I bet!
SDM!
So good to see you. I take it you’ve been keeping busy. (No more buns in the oven, I hope!)
From what I’ve heard about Jack, going to one of your Doctor’s appointments sounds like the last thing he’d want to do! And really, who could blame him?
IMHO, his obligation was pretty much over when he reached across your underwhelmed body to grab his cigarettes from the night table…
ROFL!! ;) =P
ps. Let me know what Jack says when you tell him about the speechless wife!!!
The last joke is my most favorite! :)
Hey George!
(Not to be biased against the other rejected submitters or anything, but that one is my favorite too…:))