Is your Boss one of those hard-nosed narcissists who thinks that just because you’re sitting in on an important business meeting (which you shouldn’t really be in anyway because your job is pretty much irrelevant but he asked you to take notes) that means you shouldn’t also have a life?
If so, then you’ll want to read this.
The following guide will show you how you can discreetly use your personal cell phone during company time, without your boss or co-workers noticing. Feel free to print this off for future reference.
First, you will need to disguise your phone. This way you can leave it on the table and not have to worry about your boss seeing it and saying, “Excuse me, but would you mind putting that thing away? ”
Since your job isn’t anything to write home about, it’s not like he’ll believe that you’re expecting a call from some bigwig client.
Now, there are several ways you can do this. Thanks to the billions of people trying to get rich off technology, there are now cases you can buy that make your phone look like it’s not really a phone.
Unfortunately, these cases might end up causing more problems than they’re worth.
The following are just a few of the latest cell phone disguises you can buy, along with things that your co-workers might say if you use them.
What you really need is a cell phone case that people will look at and decide they want no part of it.
I’ve taken the liberty of creating a few options:
*Feel free to contact me for prices.
Now that you have disguised your cell phone, you will need to change your ring tone.
Get one that sounds like you are talking. Have it say something along the lines of, “Sounds good, Boss!” or “Wow, those projections for next year sure are something else!” (The latter is particularly effective, as the “something else” could be either good or bad, depending on the situation.)
This will make it sound like you are really paying attention to what the boss is saying, which is important if you want to be promoted to a job that actually matters.
Next, you need to learn to throw your voice. Take ventriloquist lessons. From this guy. Obviously this would be considered a win/win, since only will you be saving your own ass, you’ll also be helping to keep the art of ventriloquism alive.
If you want to throw off your boss even more, ask the guy if he can teach you how to do a British Accent. Unless your boss is British, in which case he might think you’re mocking him.
This would not be conducive to getting promoted to a job that actually matters.
If you really suck at throwing your voice, then forget about the lessons. Just make sure that the meeting is on Casual Friday, and wear a hoodie.
By taking the hood and placing it over your head, nobody will be able to see your mouth moving. But make sure it’s not an ugly hoodie. Have you ever heard of a guy wearing an ugly hoodie getting promoted? Of course not. It doesn’t happen.
You want your hoodie to be stylish, so that your boss will say “Hey, that’s a great hoodie. Keep wearing hoodies like that, and I can totally see you getting a promotion!”
Because you’re throwing your voice, you will also need to throw your phone. Otherwise, the person who is calling you won’t be able to hear what you are saying.
Remember to always throw your phone into the same corner that you are throwing your voice. Really, this is just common sense.
When your phone rings, distract everyone by putting the attention on one of your co-workers. Point to the sales guy and say “Excuse me, Boss, I hate to be a tattletale, but John keeps yawning while you talk.” Since normally John is such a keener, this will baffle your boss, thus giving you more time to throw your phone.
As soon as your phone leaves your hand, quickly turn to the guy next to you and pretend you’re in a deep work-related conversation. Unless you’re beside John, in which case just periodically roll your eyes at him as if to say, “Who does this jackoff think he is, anyway?
Now, feel free to speak in a British accent to whoever is calling you.
Thanks to my helpful tips, not only will you be able to talk to your friends during work meetings, you’ll also get John’s job after the boss fires him for his bad attitude and horrible work ethic!
*Stay tuned for more helpful tips, which will be available as soon as I finish making them up.