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Obviously not like this.

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Is your Boss one of those hard-nosed narcissists who thinks that just because you’re sitting in on an important business meeting (which you shouldn’t really be in anyway because your job is pretty much irrelevant but he asked you to take notes) that means you shouldn’t also have a life?

If so, then you’ll want to read this.

The following guide will show you how you can discreetly use your personal cell phone during company time, without your boss or co-workers noticing.  Feel free to print this off for future reference.

First, you will need to disguise your phone.  This way you can leave it on the table and not have to worry about your boss seeing it and saying, “Excuse me, but would you mind putting that thing away? ”

Since your job isn’t anything to write home about, it’s not like he’ll believe that you’re expecting a call from some bigwig client.

Now, there are several ways you can do this. Thanks to the billions of people trying to get rich off technology, there are now cases you can buy that make your phone look like it’s not really a phone.

Unfortunately, these cases might end up causing more problems than they’re worth.

The following are just a few of the latest cell phone disguises you can buy, along with things that your co-workers might say if you use them.

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What you really need is a cell phone case that people will look at and decide they want no part of it.

I’ve taken the liberty of creating a few options:

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*Feel free to contact me for prices.

Now that you have disguised your cell phone, you will need to change your ring tone.

Get one that sounds like you are talking. Have it say something along the lines of, “Sounds good, Boss!” or “Wow, those projections for next year sure are something else!” (The latter  is particularly effective, as  the “something else” could be either good or bad, depending on the situation.)

This will make it sound like you are really paying attention to what the boss is saying, which is important if you want to be promoted to a job that actually matters.

Next, you need to learn to throw your voice. Take ventriloquist lessons. From this guy.   Obviously this would be considered a win/win, since only will you be saving your own ass, you’ll also be helping to keep the art of ventriloquism alive.

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Also makes for a great trick when carrying heavy boxes.

If you want to throw off your boss even more, ask the guy if he can teach you how to do a British Accent. Unless your boss is British, in which case he might think you’re mocking him.

This would not be conducive to getting promoted to a job that actually matters.

If you really suck at throwing your voice, then forget about the lessons. Just make sure that the meeting is on Casual Friday, and wear a hoodie.

By taking the hood and placing it over your head, nobody will be able to see your mouth moving. But make sure it’s not an ugly hoodie. Have you ever heard of a guy wearing an ugly hoodie getting promoted? Of course not. It doesn’t happen.

You want your hoodie to be stylish, so that your boss will say “Hey, that’s a great hoodie. Keep wearing hoodies like that, and I can totally see you getting a promotion!”

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Because you’re throwing your voice, you will also need to throw your phone. Otherwise, the person who is calling you won’t be able to hear what you are saying.

Remember to always throw your phone into the same corner that you are throwing your voice. Really, this is just common sense.

When your phone rings, distract everyone by putting the attention on one of your co-workers.  Point to the sales guy and say “Excuse me, Boss, I hate to be a tattletale, but John keeps yawning while you talk.” Since normally John is such a keener, this will baffle your boss, thus giving you more time to throw your phone.

As soon as your phone leaves your hand, quickly turn to the guy next to you and pretend you’re in a deep work-related conversation. Unless you’re beside John, in which case just periodically roll your eyes at him as if to say, “Who does this jackoff think he is, anyway?

Now, feel free to speak in a British accent to whoever is calling you.

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Thanks to my helpful tips, not only will you be able to talk to your friends during work meetings, you’ll also get John’s job after the boss fires him for his bad attitude and horrible work ethic!

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*Stay tuned for more helpful tips, which will be available as soon as I finish making them up.

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Comments

29 Comments

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  1. September 16, 2011

    Oh man, did I always want the throw your voice thing. But I think the shipping and handling was like $20000.

    I think if you hold the preparation H up to your face, you are applying it to the wrong end. Now if you could learn to talk out of your ass like my coworkers, it could work.

    • September 17, 2011

      I wanted the money maker. It said if you put a piece of paper inside, a real dollar bill would come out! I was so sure I was going to get rich off that bad boy.

      I prefer to talk out of my buttocks. (Only because my boss says that a real lady doesn’t say “ass”.)

  2. September 16, 2011

    I appreciate these tips.
    I sit through meetings and go batshit crazy with boredom.
    2 thoughts:
    1) That coworker who wants the bacon/chocolate/etchasketch is fucking irritating. It’s totally John, the keener, isn’t it?
    2) Texting. A little less complicated than trying to swing a call. Jussayin’ ;)

    • September 17, 2011

      Good thoughts!

      1) I don’t want to name names, but yes.
      2) Texting is so last year. I prefer Telepathing. ;)

  3. September 16, 2011

    Your chosen ringtone might cause trouble if Boss just told you his dog died. I’d prefer to have a ringtone which made a fart noise. People would be too busy trying to react like someone who didn’t do it to notice you talking on the phone.

    • elizabeth3hersh #
      September 16, 2011

      How about a ringtone of a slurpy staccato vaginal fart? I guarantee the boss would adjourn for the day!

      P.S. It goes without saying that I have NO KNOWEDGE of the aforementioned suggestion. It has NEVER HAPPENED TO ME>.

      • September 16, 2011

        Is it weird that comment made me crave mexican food? It’s weird, isn’t it? Shit. Pretend I didn’t say anything.

        • elizabeth3hersh #
          September 16, 2011

          Only if there is a correlation between frijoles and vaginal flatulence (cue Mariachi music).

          • September 19, 2011

            If only there were more staccato vaginal fart references and less “swollen nubs” and “churning of the loins” talk, Harlequin romances would seem much more appealing.

  4. September 16, 2011

    Wow – you put a lot of time and effort into the photoshopping for this article! You must not be getting ANY work done!

    It was all worth it though, because it was both A. funny and B. featured bacon.

    • September 19, 2011

      Believe it or not, this IS my work!

      I’m a Subliminal Bacon Marketer. My job description involves tapping into the subconscious of potential consumers so they will go out and purchase those salty strips of goodness.

      Right now I’m self-employed, but I’m hoping to eventually get on with Oscar Meyer.

  5. September 16, 2011

    Who knew talking on a cell phone while in a meeting could be so easy?? Now if I could only learn how to appear interested in what other people say to me, I’d be all set!

    Good read!

    • September 19, 2011

      If that happened, then what would we need computers for?

      Thanks for stopping by, Ed!

  6. G #
    September 16, 2011

    This actually a doable concept. Thanks for the idea.

    • September 19, 2011

      Hey G!

      Trust me, it’s totally doable. Really, the only other option I can think of is to not have a job.

      Good to see you, G:)

  7. September 17, 2011

    Is there an unnatural way of curing genital warts?

    • September 20, 2011

      Yes. Let’s just say it involves a tiki torch, saran wrap, and a longstanding member of the Mbutawa tribe.

      (If none of them are longstanding, then go with whoever has the best gag reflex.)

  8. September 17, 2011

    i’m listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bFh4fG7s-c right now. made me think of you.

    • September 20, 2011

      I’m not kidding, if I ever get married (fingers crossed!!!) this is going to be my wedding song.

  9. September 18, 2011

    The Suppository Camera idea stinks.

    I would have hated myself if I had left that one in the bowl.

    But the bacon phone really gets up our snout.

    Too late to keep going.

    Nice post.

    • September 20, 2011

      Haha! Between you and me, I wouldn’t go for the suppository case either. Mostly because I pride myself on being anal retentive.

      *crickets chirping*

  10. September 18, 2011

    I was just thinking that there should be a pregnancy test app. And maybe you just pee on your phone a little bit and then wait to see whether the little line appears. If we teamed up, you and me could be filthy rich from our lucrative business ideas. Jobs that matter, here we come.

    • September 20, 2011

      Um, are you kidding me????

      Now, grab your Valentine’s cards and get your ass over to Canada. STAT.

      ps. Tell me this isn’t kismet.

  11. September 20, 2011

    Thanks to you I’m going to be soaring up that corporate ladder! Oh and thanks for making me snort my morning coffee with the Prep H phone cover – “fist size.” Oh holy shit.

  12. September 23, 2011

    Oh dear lord, I actually laughed out loud at “other options.” Although I’m not sure I want to hold those up to my face. I’m thinking someone might think I’m doing it wrong.

    I need something that will disguise my phone while I am in court for when I see the absolutely most horrifically brilliant excuses for outfits that the people in their wear, so that I can take a quick picture of them without the judge getting all “I hold you in contempt, $500 fine” on my ass. Can you make that happen for me? Cool, thanks.

  13. Jen #
    September 27, 2011

    Over from Blunt. You are hilarious. Love in particular the Altoids box. Those things are disgusting. No one is going to ask to try them.

  14. October 8, 2011

    Hilarious! I really like the Vagisil cover. No one’s going to ask any questions if you want around with that! :) “The latter is particularly effective, as the ‘something else’ could be either good or bad, depending on the situation.” I’m soooo going to find a way to use this in the future!!

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