Because I watch Millionaire Matchmaker, I know how frustrating single people can be.

That is why this holiday season I’ve decided to give back by offering the following three gift ideas for those  friends/relatives/third wheels in your life.




Everyone knows that the most practical gift you could give a single man is a foreign bride.

Provided he isn’t anal about trivial things like language barriers and/or identity fraud, you’ll find thousands of marriage-ready brides in the Russian Mail Order Bride Directory.


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Here are just a few of the brides who are desperately looking for love:

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If, for some strange reason, your single person can resist that jewelry, you might want to consider the asian bride directory, as explained below.


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For those of you who were lost after the first “asian,” there’s also a more American-friendly option.





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During the holidays, few things offer as much comfort to a lonely single person as hearing the words,  “Look on the bright side. At least your chances of finding love are better than so-and-so’s.”

The following are just a few of the “so and so’s” you can find on the internet. (Feel free to wrap and place under the tree for that depressed single person in your life.)




Screen Shot 2012-12-22 at 1.21.51 PM copy




Screen Shot 2012-11-05 at 12.33.06 PM copy.



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Keith (aka. “Self-Doubting Pervert/JHL Fan”)


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Guy who messaged me immediately after I joined*
*solely for research purposes

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All Of Them, starting with “Muffin Eyes”

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Girl With Hair Clip On Nose-


I’m guessing she’s inflicting this pain upon her nose to distract from the pain she feels in her heart. That, or because she has nothing better to do.



3. AniMATE


Perhaps the most meaningful Christmas present you can give the lonely single in your life is that of companionship, in the form of a down-filled anime pillow.



Slumber party pillow hugs. Because tickle fights are for girls.


Not only are they great for boys slumber parties (did somebody say pillow fight? LOL), they also fulfill many other roles.

For example:


animepillow copy



I trust these options will help you make your single lonely person feel less single and lonely this Christmas. Oh, and if you’re interested in purchasing your own set of “Muffin Biniculars”, feel free to contact me for prices.


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Post a comment
  1. December 23, 2012

    I especially loved Sar, anyone can appreciate a big girl with a sense of humor. Merry Christmas!

  2. December 23, 2012

    Do you follow this?

    On Sunday, December 23, 2012, Just Making Convo wrote: > bschooled posted: ” Because I watch Millionaire Matchmaker, I know how frustrating single people can be. That is why this holiday season I’ve decided to give back by offering the following three gift ideas for those friends/relatives/third wheels in your life. ” >

  3. December 23, 2012

    Wow, do you know how hard it is to find a guy who likes big boobs? FINALLY!

    • December 25, 2012

      Not to mention a guy who likes girls who like guys who are into big boobs!

  4. December 24, 2012

    Great. Now every time I see a Chinese girl I’m starving.

    • December 26, 2012

      Trust me, it’s not worth it. From what I hear, you’ll only be hungry again five minutes later.

  5. December 24, 2012

    Let’s get the guy into big boobs together with the depressed-looking Black chick and everyone’s happy. And then someone get me an Asian chick and a burger, and let’s call it a day.

    • December 26, 2012

      You want fries with that?

      • January 24, 2013

        Absolutely. Can the Asian feed them to me? This is getting better all the time.

  6. December 24, 2012

    Oh man, I NEED one of those cuddle pillow dates. Where can I find one? And does it come with its very own lonely, sad & pathetic chinaman as well? I think it should come as a set. It would be cruel to separate them, methinks.

  7. December 25, 2012

    I just had a great idea for your last-minute Christmas gift: I think I’ll bake you a pair of muffin binoculars…
    I’m glad I found your blog this year and that we’re Internet friends. You make me laugh!

    • December 25, 2012

      (aka Pascale)

    • January 3, 2013

      If only I’d read this, I wouldn’t have been forced to spy on my neighbors using a pair of giant Christmas wreaths.

      I trust you’ll make up for my oversight with a gaily tassled nose warmer?

  8. elizabeth3hersh #
    December 25, 2012

    Any chance you can re-gift the poetry guy? Thanks bschooled!

    • January 3, 2013

      If only I could, E.

      Unfortunately there just aren’t enough words that rhyme with “You and Him.”

  9. December 26, 2012

    I am happy that they now make hair clips for nose hairs. I can finally accessorize. Anime is out of the question because I keep getting it confused with enema. I don’t know which is worse: The way the doctors laugh at me or the looks of disgust I get from Japanese enema artists. (I think I did it again.)

    • January 3, 2013

      Wait…aren’t nose hairs considered natural accessories for the nostrils?
      Enima, Anime, Animal….really, it’s all the same in your end.

  10. December 26, 2012

    I’m sorry, what? An Asian bride for an Asian what now? Oh man, those pillows. The guy with two on the subway?!! So wish I knew a sad single with a sense of humour. Bit scared to befriend any of those you introduced us to!

    • January 3, 2013

      I don’t blame you, weeza. Even I refuse to befriend anyone I’m introduced to.

  11. December 29, 2012

    Why, oh why, did I not think to look up your blog for those last minute Xmas gift ideas?
    In desperation, the best I could do was a bag of birdseed and some paint thinner.

    • January 3, 2013

      Why the regret? If mixed correctly, your gift could brighten the dinner tables of rednecks everywhere.

  12. December 30, 2012

    If I were single, I would definitely want a mail order bride…as long as I didn’t have to marry her.

    Great post.

    • January 3, 2013

      Don’t worry. In many cases, as long as you keep sending the checks you don’t even have to worry about carrying her/him home from the post office.

  13. January 1, 2013

    Amazing! I laughed… then laughed… and then, well, continued to laugh. Thanks for the random bursts of joy!

    • January 3, 2013

      Thanks, Kiki. Also, thanks for not crying.

  14. January 1, 2013

    hey if alll mail order brides looked like Kat Von D..that business would be thriving……zman sends

    • January 3, 2013

      You’re probably right. Unless the grooms were traditional, uptight male chauvinists, that is. (But really, what are the chances?)
      Nice to hear from you, Z. I’ve missed your sends greatly.

  15. January 5, 2013

    So do you think it’s inappropriate for me to have my anime pillow present during my office hours, faculty meetings, and class lectures?

    • January 21, 2013

      Doc! Sorry for the late response, spent the last 3 weeks on a Guatemalan bus driven by an 80 year old man with cateracts and a fear of speed limits.

      As for the anime pillow, I think it’s perfectly fine to bring it to the office. It’s the kind of accessory that not only makes the work day seem shorter, it also deters procrastinating co-workers from coming by every hour “just to chat”.

  16. January 6, 2013

    Aw man, I’m so bummed I didn’t read this before Christmas. My gifts to a few certain someones would have been so much better – a mail order bride is far more thoughtful than a stupid bottle of wine!

    • January 21, 2013

      Actually, the mail order bride is what makes the wine such a thoughtful gift. Because really, who wants to drink alone?

  17. January 16, 2013

    Damn you are funny!!! Just stopped by for a procrastination reading while on a job. Way better than working!

    • January 21, 2013

      Thanks for stopping by, Timm! I agree. But maybe that’s because for me, working consists of trolling for old rich men online.

  18. February 4, 2013

    God, I don’t miss the online dating days. Not. At. All.

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